Financial Samurai

Rock Balancing in San Francisco

After my parents pep talk in the 9th grade, I realized there were two things I had to do in order to survive high school: 1) use my brains and 2) develop some pythons.  In other words, getting good grades, joining student government, and being a history buff wasn’t enough.  Sure, I may have an easier time getting into some fancy college, but how was I supposed to get into girls?  “Hey pork chop, did you know that General Lee surrendered on April 9, 1865, marking the end of The Confederacy and the Civil War?  Lez go out tonight!”

“Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue played incessantly in my head at the time.  Frankly, I can’t imagine it being much different for a lot of other teenage boys.

I made it a rule to balance the mental with the physical by playing sports.  As a teenager,  I had a strong fear that I was going to be stuck in nerdom if I didn’t.  I was a study machine who needed balance.  The sports that attracted the most groupies were football and basketball, but I was too chicken sh*t to bang down low.  I chose tennis instead, which had decidedly less groupies.  Good thing all you really need is one!

In the 11th grade, this cute girl slipped a note in biology lab with a cut out from Teen Magazine entitled, “You Know Your Boyfriend Is A Keeper If..“.  To my surprise, #1 said: “Your man is the captain of his high school varsity tennis team!“  Shwing!  As captain of the HS varsity team, needless to say we had a frolicking good time….. studying for our biology lab final of course.

THE OLDER THE WISER, PERHAPS Read more…

This is a guest post by the Lean Life Coach who writes at Eliminate the Muda! [mooda] about how to improve life and personal finance through the application of proven business management techniques that originated with great Americans such as Henry Ford and Benjamin Franklin.

Fighting to Survive

Would you gargle with a floor cleaner?

Originally invented in 1879 as a surgical antiseptic, Listerine was later diluted and sold as a floor cleaner. The Lambert Pharmacal Company, maker of Listerine, was not a wild success, selling a little more than $100,000 per year of their concoction. In 1921 Jordan Wheat Lambert initiated a new marketing campaign advertising Listerine as a cure for “cronic halitosis.” In less than 7 years annual revenue exploded to $8 million.

Just as a small side note, “Cronic Halitosis” was a fake medical term! No doubt, a few of us have an occasional issue with bad breath, but it was not considered a major societal issue until this groundbreaking marketing plan. Not only did the Lambert Pharmacal Company create a new product they even created a new medical term that is commonly accepted to this day.

The objective of any business, big or small, is not only to make a profit but also grow. Doing so requires a focused approach towards obtaining and more importantly retaining a customer base. This of course requires marketing and advertising.

Years ago a company would develop a single marketing campaign and blast it to the world at large; “Buy our widgets.” A successful campaign might be profitable for decades while a failed effort could doom a company.

How Far Will They Go? Read more…

After a long week, the last thing either of us want to do is cook.  We don’t go out because of the rain, and delivery for the 3rd time this week is out of the question.  Inglorious Basterds arrives in the mail, and we just seek something sufficient and efficient to eat.

Unfortunately, as we raid through the cupboards all we find is peanut butter, with no bread and spaghetti with no sauce.  We also find stale crackers, and a pound of dried pumpkin seeds, but that’s it.  Drats!  Good thing I keep looking, because I find my canister of protein powder which I forgot I had.  The filthy drink contributes today.

We pour stale crackers onto our plates, along side two heaping spoons of peanut butter.  To wash it all down, a lumpy and not so delicious vanilla protein shake each.  It was nostalgic, eating like college kids again.

FIVE KEY TAKEAWAYS Read more…

Everybody was quietly watching the puppet show at the Asian Art Museum when I hear a “boooooooP!” What was that, I think to myself as a stench waffles in the air.  Someone must have farted!  I look around to see if I can identify the culprit.  Then I notice others looking around, with some staring right at me!

“Not me!” I silently voice with my lips as I point towards a kid rolling around on the floor in front of the stage.  “Probably the kid!” I mime again with each crease of my lips extending more exaggerated with every word.

Once the show was over I tap the kid on the shoulder and say, “Hey buddy, you got me in a lot of trouble with the adults.  The bathroom is over there!”

“Sorry sir, I was just farting.  Everybody likes to fart right?” replies the kid with a big, teethy smile.

“You’re right buddy, listen to this one!” KABOOM!  I let one rip right next to him.  We laugh and go on our separate ways.

THE MORAL HAZARD OF AMERICA Read more…

The government introduced new legislation to tax all “big banks” 0.15% of their assets to recoup about $120 billion in TARP money.  What’s interesting is that the government is also taxing banks who did not receive TARP money, while conveniently leaving out AIG and the auto industry!

Three Takeaways From Asymmetric Regulation:

1) Because the government is imposing a tax on assets for all big banks, they are encouraging all banks to take excessive risk and accept hand outs in the future.  If a non-bailed out bank is getting punished, why not join in on the fun too?  Friends at government-owned Citibank all went down to the Rose Bowl using free $500 face value company tickets ($1,000+ in the after market) with tax payer’s blessings.  Meanwhile another friend who works at a non-TARP bank can’t spend more than $100 for a client dinner total, without having to get approval.  Message to friend: tell your bosses to party it up if Citibank is having a great time!

2) AIG is exempt from new taxation because AIG is 80% owned by the government.  If the government punishes AIG, they are punishing themselves.  Federal government employees are raking it in, and I’ve spent about one hour so far learning how be a $170,000 a year Department of Transportation employee if my blogging career doesn’t make it in three years.  So exciting to have such a lucrative back up!  Back off people, the job is mine!

3) The auto industry, which has paid back absolutely nothing, and is the biggest contributor of the $120 billion in tax payer losses is protected because the rank and file auto worker is deemed more precious than the rank and file finance worker.  I’m all for helping out hard working people who had nothing to do with the collapse.  But, what did your local TARP bank teller do? Nothing, just like the factory man at GM had nothing to do with the latest horrible design and corporate strategy of the 2010 Buick LaCrosse.  Remember when GM executives flew in their private jets to the Congressional hearings?  We need to support private jets for auto execs like we need to support higher taxes for more pork spending.

CONCLUSION Read more…

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a recovering car-aholic.  Funny enough, the way I deal with my addiction is to go to the BMW dealer!  I also go to the Audi, Mercedes, Honda, Land Rover and Porsche dealers too, but only the BMW dealer is on my way home and has an easy parking lot to leave Moose unattended.  I wonder if they cut out the free popcorn and diet cokes because of me.   Hmmm.

Over the past 3 years, I must have visited the BMW dealer at least 65 times to the dismay of the sales people.  They must have a code word for my type, “cheap bastard” or “stop wasting my time you poor SOB” maybe, but I don’t care.  Nothing thrills me more than sitting in a brand new, over-priced automobile and inhaling that unbeatable new car smell!  After every experience, I deftly try and avoid the salespeople and pick up a new brochure so I can extend the enjoyment at home.

In fact, as a joke I wrapped up the latest Land Rover LR4 brochure for Christmas and gave it to my wife.  I told her she should expect a nice shiny black on black beast when we get back to San Francisco.  She was kinda amused, not really.

If the salespeople insist on going for a test drive, who am I to argue?  But, I make it a point to only waste the time of the most eager of sales people beavers.  The fun of gunning a $80,000 BMW M3 every other month is such a thrill!  Besides, I hear they get a little commission for every test drive anyway.

NEW OBSESSION Read more…

The answer depends on if your name is Saddam Hussein, although proponents would say no proof was ever found!  You hear so many stories of consumers up to their eyeballs in credit card debt, and I’m just wondering WHY?  Credit card debt is the most expensive debt out there, second only to usurious rates of loan sharks.

Perhaps the reason why is because credit cards are ubiquitous.  According to the US Census Bureau, there were 173 million credit cardholders in the US in 2006, using 1.5 billion credit cards?  That’s right, the ratio is almost 10 credit cards to every one user, with transaction volumes of over $2 trillion a year!  No wonder the US consumer gets in trouble, and why credit cards are such big business!

My view on credit cards is quite simple: Use credit cards only to your advantage, and never let them take advantage of you!  Whenever you see your credit card misbehaving, you should think to yourself “Bad boy!  Bad, BAD!”  I think my wife tells me this sometimes, but I try and tune it out.

Joel is hosting a $500 American Express giveaway, and gosh darnit, I’m entering to give myself a chance to win.  In “You’re Rejected!  How I Use Rejection To Motivate Me Every Single Day,” we discuss how success is a numbers game.  The more you put yourself out there, the higher the chance you have to succeed.  Here’s my attempt to win and use the proceeds to buy toys and clothing for underprivileged children this winter in San Francisco.  The program is called “Toys 4 Tots.”

TWO MISSLES IN MY WALLET Read more…

Let's Partay!

After all the media attention on Tiger Woods’s prenup, I thought it appropriate to finally share this post with you.  Enjoy!

As soon as I got into work one morning, my female colleague blurted out, “OH MY GAWD! GUESS WHAT?! “

“What? Hrmmm,” I replied as I was still groggy eyed after last night’s client dinner.

“I was on the same plane as Gavin Newsom (Mayor of San Francisco) and he sat in economy with me!  He is SOO cute and yummy!  So tall and handsome, he’s going to do great things for California and our country!” she gushed.

The funny thing is, she was complaining just earlier this year how bad the “Care Not Cash” legislation turned out, and how he was contributing to the big overspend problem we have here in California (we’re broke).  I can still clearly remember how mad she and her friends were when the story broke that Gavin cheated on his wife with his campaign manager’s wife! YOWZA!  Gavin was the next Bill Clinton!

Phrases such as: “Men are pigs!” “Men only think with their smaller head!” “You guys disgust me so no, you can’t have some of my salad!”, were bantered around the office for weeks.  My friend was a hater for life!  Even the guys on our floor, who usually joke about stuff like this were shocked.

So what really happened between now and then, to make my colleague fall head over heels in love with Gavin Newsom?  Furthermore, how is it that after violating a key “MAN CODE” (don’t sleep with your friends girlfriend/wife) does he get re-elected soundly, and has a popularity rating higher than ever?

5 REASONS WHY GAVIN GETS AWAY: Read more…

Tonight’s the night we find out who wins the World Series of Poker Main Event! The showdown is between Darvin Moon with 59 million chips and Joe Cada with 136 million chips.  Despite the chip differential, players know that things can turn quickly in heads up poker.  Anybody with enough patience, and a good amount of luck can win!

I’ve imagined winning the WSOP countless times. Each time I ask myself two questions:

1) If I had to choose between winning and only getting the WSOP bracelet or losing but receiving the prize money, which would I choose?

2) What would I do with $8.5 million bucks?!

The answer to question #1 is easy. I’d take the money for sure!  I’d then use $10,000 of the prize money to have a jeweler craft an exact same replica.  It must feel unreal walking around as the champ, but I’d rather have financial security any day.

The answer to question #2 is a little bit harder, but much more fun! First of all, we can painfully reduce the $8.5 million by 50% to get our after tax proceeds.  $4.25 million is still a lot of money, but gosh darnit, that sure sounds a lot less than $8.5 million! Read more…

Must Feed The Addiction!

So here I am at Starbucks, testing to see if being here among the bustle of loungers helps gives me writing inspiration.  They say it’s good to get out of the house once in a while to recharge the soul.  I take the first seat that’s available, and what do I notice?  Hanging on the side of the chair, hidden behind the backrest is a white purse.  I look around wondering if someone had dared claim their space with something so valuable.  Several minutes past, and I thought to myself definitely not.  A poor woman must be frantically back-tracking where she could have misplaced her purse.  Eventually she would return, or will she?

As I waited, I felt like a culprit.  I didn’t want to take the purse and give it to the front counter.  For what if in that instant, the woman popped into the store and saw me?  I’d be implicated as the thief and would have to explain myself.  Maybe she was simply taking a long time in the bathroom after a venti mint mocha frappuccino and had a very large husband to boot?  I was trapped, and felt like I was on candid camera, being tested on what I should do.  The temptation to open the purse and reveal any treasures was not great.

Read more…