Presidential Election Time: Policies To Win America’s Vote

Occupy The Government!The presidential election is just days away! This is when candidates start hamming it up and telling us all the great things they will do for us to gain or retain power. My favorite policies are ones that redistribute money from those who’ve earned it to those who haven’t. That rocks!

Given politicians love power, I hereby declare my wish list of things if they promise to do, will buy my vote. Everybody needs to think about what type of goodies you want from the government as well. For those of you who have the privilege of paying federal income taxes, do not let your tax dollars go to waste! You will be thrown in jail if you do not pay your federal income taxes, so it’s important to demand concessions.

Obama and Mitt, if you’re still reading my site (I see those White House IP addresses hit on occasion), think long and hard about my list of demands. Mitt, you should be especially vigilant because my crystal ball says you are on track to lose big time. Obama is doing a much, much better job convincing the middle class he will provide us more benefits. You don’t want to waste all that time and donor’s money again now would you?

TOP 10 WISHES TO GET MY VOTE 

1) Guarantee 100% of Social Security benefits will be there for everybody under the age of 40 by reducing Social Security benefits for all current recipients except for my parents, friends, readers of Financial Samurai who’ve registered for my e-mail or RSS feed, and people I like in general. We must make hard choices on Social Security now! Spread the burden to all, and not just to folks working today who don’t believe they’ll receive Social Security when they retire.

2) Implement free health care for every single person in America and pass the cost on to the Axis of Evil! Goodness knows they can afford it, which is why I didn’t mention Europe. Oh crap, they are screwed, but so happy too! Health catastrophe is consistently one of the top reasons for personal bankruptcy. It is not fair that wealthy people get to jump the line to get rare transplants. We need equality in healthcare because so much of survival is hereditary, except for when we eat lots of donuts and don’t exercise.

3) Pass a law enforcing all Americans to buy at least $3,000 a year worth of products from Bay Area companies. One MacBook Pro 13″ for $1,699 gets you 57% of the way there!  Heck, one unlocked 16GB iPhone 5 costs $700 after tax and people are queueing up like crazy! We need more money pumping into the San Francisco area to kick start wages, increase property prices, and jack up rents. If you are sick of Apple products, then make some transactions on eBay or Paypal to generate some commissions. While you’re at it, ask yourself how can the economy be bad if millions of people can afford products they don’t need?

4) Force all corporates who’ve shown at least 25% year over year earnings growth for the past 3 years to increase hiring by 15%. There is more cash on corporate balance sheets than ever before. Furthermore, introduce tax incentives for small business owners to hire more people instead of penalizing them. The government will hunt the highest income earning people down for not paying 39.6% in Federal income tax, why not threaten to incarcerate the bosses of very profitable corporates for not spending their profits on hiring people now? Bust out the big stick!

5) Increase the amount of bailouts for homeowners to encourage more people to buy homes. We need to jump start the property market, so why not comfort on-the-fence buyers they can’t lose? Moral hazard be damned! Housing and employment are two peas in a pod. Force Fannie & Freddie to forgive more mortgage debt and force banks to reduce mortgage rates for all types of homeowners, not just primary home owners. Refinancing a mortgage takes forever nowadays. Meanwhile, so many underwater homeowners cannot refinance despite never missing a payment. Let’s make greedy banks share the wealth!

6) Raise the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge tolls from $6 dollars to $25 dollars to raise city revenue, reduce traffic, and reduce pollution. There’s a perfectly good public transportation system into the city which more commuters should use. To appease car manufacturers and dealers, create another bailout fund for car buyers to decrease the chance of default. Oh yeah, Detroit got that already, so they better not beat the SF Giants in the World Series, or that’s clearly government favoritism.

7) Slap a 1,000% tariff on cigarettes, thereby increasing a cost per pack to from $4 to $40-$90 per pack depending on brand. I love the baked smell of Lucky Strikes, but alas, if I have to pay $90 a pack, I’m not going to smoke them no more. I’ll go cut some grass in my back yard and smoke that instead for free, baby! Everybody knows smoking is bad for you. Let’s try and eradicate the last stubborn few who believe smoking doesn’t accelerate death. Oh yeah, might as well legalize marijuana since it’s all naturale. When I was in Amsterdam, the Coffee Shops banned tobacco and only allowed weed because of tobacco’s carcinogens. We could learn something from the happiest people on earth!

8) Make the 99 weeks of unemployment insurance permanent so that it helps people who know when they plan to retire to count on additional income for 99 weeks once they do retire! There is no way federal unemployment benefits will not be extended in 2013 if the government knows what’s good for them. In addition to the extension, let’s provide another level of unemployment insurance that goes up to 300 weeks for those who’ve worked in humanity-helping fields such as teaching, no-profit, and personal finance blogging. For all those who like to criticize and complain without providing any content, you get nothing, and like it.

9) Raise federal income taxes on those making more than $2 million a year to 70% and implement a 10% per annum added wealth tax for those with net worth of greater than $100 million. It’ll do nothing to close our budget deficit gap, but it will make the 99.9% of us who don’t make such income feel better about ourselves. Imagine all the self-esteem boost we’ll all have! We should never take for granted our ability to impose our religion, our marriage unions, and our tax increases on others. Shit is fucked up and bullshit, but you are the government!

10) Pass a law imprisoning politicians who don’t do what they say on the campaign trail. Lying is wrong. We must hold our leaders to a higher standard. How else do we plan to teach our children about ethics if little Susie can simply say, “Well, the President said this and did the opposite, so why can’t I?” Oh, and before any new taxes are imposed, how about politicians reform their own pensions first? Yeah, baby yeah!

CONCLUSION

Obama, Joe, Mitt, Paul, all I ask is that you do the following 10 things above. If you do, I promise to vote for you on Tuesday, November 6, and look the other way on other egregious policies. Shoot me a private e-mail if you wish. And to everyone who doesn’t live in California, I thank you in advance for bailing us out just in case we spend way more than we earn again. Go USA!

Readers, what are your top wishes for our candidates?

Regards,

Sam

Sam started Financial Samurai in 2009 during the depths of the financial crisis as a way to make sense of chaos. After 13 years working on Wall Street, Sam decided to retire in 2012 to utilize everything he learned in business school to focus on online entrepreneurship.

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Comments

  1. krantcents says

    If a politician is going to buy my vote, I want something more tangible. Once I vote, they got what they wanted, but I have to wait for the payoff. I like my money (payoff) upfront! How about a cushy cabinet job that I do not have to perform, but receives a great retirement? Of course, cash works too, but it is more traceable, unless it is in an offshore account.

    This election campaign has really soured me on politicians. Too negative and too much fact checking to make sure that each candidate was telling the truth. There is something wrong when there is a debate and the journalist must do fact checking on the answers.

    Unfortunately, I already voted (absentee) so I am in a poor negotiating position.

  2. Rich In The Heart says

    In no particular order:

    1) Don’t constantly bicker or blame past administrations EVER.
    2) Promote more than the 2-party system by funnelling 10% of funds obtained for the Republican/Democrat parties evenly toward the other parties.
    2) Lock SS tax at the current 4.2% for individuals.
    3) If ANY politician is found to have misspent monies illegally, remove ALL lifetime benefits that they could receive, including pension benefits, to place them back into the class of the working class.
    4) Mandate 2 weeks paid sick time every year for all employees around the country that they don’t loose pay when they’re out sick (thus keeping tax revenues elevated and in-step with the ObamaCare plan).
    5) Any unused sick time that Federal and State employees receive be paid at the pay rate that they were at when they earned that time. And cap the sick time that Fed/State workers can accrue to no more than 400 hours.
    6) Mandate all legislators pass a test based only on the Constitution and it’s ammendments, every 2 years. This way they don’t forget why they are where they are.
    7) Raise taxes on cigarettes by 1,000% so that I don’t have to sit at another red-light smelling the cigarette smoke from a lazy smoker who didn’t apparently want their car to smell as bad as their cigarette does. But pay 100% for a one-time event of any smoker that is trying to quit (capped at no more than 6 months).
    8) Put an ammendment in requiring Congress to pass a budget every year that they are in session.
    9) Put an ammendment in requiring that any over-budget expenditures be paid off in-full causing no increase in the national debt, within 15 years of the overspending.
    10) Do all the above within the next 4 years.

    How’s that? :-)

      • Rich In The Heart says

        Trutfully, there are 3 people in my own family – at least – that have stopped smoking in a “cold turkey” way. Some stopped on their last cigarette of the pack, another just because it was a Wednesday, and another because of health reasons.

  3. rubin pham says

    romney and obama can do better by doing just 1 thing:
    stop bashing the chinese.
    the chinese do not cause this recession.
    american financial institution is the cause of this recession.
    most american look at the chinese today just like the german look at the jews in 1939.
    probably romney will start world war III with china because anti-chinese is at a feverish peak.

    • JT says

      I’m going long on McCarthyism in 2012! Congressional candidates here are pushing hard their anti-China policies. Americans are really good at blaming other countries for our problems, whether its Chinese manufacturers or immigrant laborers. I’m tired of it too.

  4. JT says

    I find the whole sin tax thing a really interesting topic in economics and public policy – sin taxes push people away from things that actually save us money. For example, cigaretttes reduce life expectancy, saving us tons in medial care and Social Security. If cigarettes were taxed at an economically efficient rate, cigarette taxes would be negative 32 cents. Next time you see a smoker, thank them for their contribution to society; they’re “donating” $1.01 a pack to the federal government and saving us 1.6 cents for every cigarette smoked. And hey – people grow tons of tobacco where I live, so stimulate my local economy while you’re at it!

    Great post! Politicians have to do outlandish things to win public opinion.

    • Bubba Gump says

      On the same line of thought, should we also thank the really fat people of America? They eat a crap load while the world is starving!

      The overweight and obese are going to take down our health care system and cause the rest of us responsible folks to pay. Why isn’t there a “fat tax” based on BMI?

      If the contestants on the Biggest Loser Can Get in shape in 3 months, why can’t others?

    • Financial Samurai says

      I donno… some smokers do live a long, long time. It is a bummer how their smoking can negatively affect other people’s liberties who don’t smoke. I don’t know why folks just don’t reduce the amount of smoking. It’s expensive, and makes your fingers and clothes smell. Once in a while fine, but everyday?

  5. Kathleen @ Frugal Portland says

    I loved this — number 10, especially. I heard on the news this morning that there are about 800,000 truly undecided voters in the 9 battleground states and that each campaign is spending $1000 per undecided voter on negative campaign ads. Now, if I got a check from a campaign with no strings attached, I sure wouldn’t be so undecided! Or so grumpy from all the hate on the TV!

  6. Mike Hunt says

    Fire Ben Bernanke-

    Pension and social security payment to be 70% taxed above 70K USD a year…

    Allow the importation of medical devices and drugs into the USA- and watch prices drop like crazy.

    Double the quota of AMA applications to balance supply and demand of doctors and salaries will adjust accordingly.

    Make tuition affordable by cutting loans and grants- have gov’t awards for institutions that set up more internet based learning and remote learning, this will drop the costs of education.

    Mandate that health care institutions cannot charge different pricing for different customers and need to list all pricing prior to procedures- failure to fully disclose will lead to significant fines.

    OK, now that I have saved the USA before breakfast I can move on with my day…

    -Mike

      • Mike Hunt says

        Yeah, I figure a $70k / year pension would be the passive income from a $2-3 Million portfolio, which is supposed to be pretty wealthy…

        Maybe it could be a bit more graduated like 45% above 70K, 58% above 100K, and 70% over 120k per year… but the point needs to be made that an expensive pension / SS payout should be taxed more. Why? It’s coming from the same gov’t pool of funds…

        -Mike

  7. Untemplater says

    My main wish would be the end of corruption and the aggravating waste of so many of our tax dollars. I watched an investigative report on the news this week about how much waste has been happening within CalTrans. Jerry Brown had some kind of directive that told them to reduce their fleet to save money, and then some idiots decided they should rent all these shiny new Ford trucks from Enterprise in a loophole. They’re still renting 200 some trucks a month? Really?

    It has cost over 750 grand this year alone for those stupid truck rentals, and what’s worse is they caught so many of the CalTrans workers using the trucks as their own personal vehicles. Driving them to and from work, running errands with them, including taking trips to Nordstroms and places like Costco to buy alcohol. What a scam and WASTE. I want my tax dollars back CalTrans!

  8. Eschewing Debt says

    This made me laugh- great post! Just curious- do you really believe Obama will win? I was certain a month ago that he would win, but now with the election so close I could see it going either way. I guess we’ll know in a few more days.

    I don’t know what exactly I would wish for- perhaps that they put the interest of the American people ahead of their careers, but I know that is just wishful thinking.

  9. JimL says

    My wish would be for a simple tax system in which the government stops picking winners and losers. Have a mostly flat tax (a couple tiers based on income) and then get rid of all deductions. Same goes for corporate taxes.

    Based on the latest information, it looks like Romney will take it. It will probably be mostly even between democrats and republicans as to getting the vote out with respect to their own followers, but the independents are much heavier towards Romney. Also, compare the sampling on each poll. The one’s giving better numbers to Obama show a mix like 2008 and most logical people would tell you that this is flawed.

  10. Edward Antrobus says

    Haha. I think it took me until right now to finally, truly get your writing style. I’ve written you off as too “in your face” but now I really see the (tongue-in-) cheekiness.

    I especially like your last point about jailing politicians that don’t hold to their campaign promises. Maybe that will keep them from promising to do things they have no power to actually do themselves (Romney, here’s a hint: President’s can’t actually repeal laws).

  11. Michael says

    Sam, you and I have very different ideas about government. I am not for universal healthcare for one. I am, however, for the creation of free medical school for those individuals that have shown particular promise, and a reduction of medical equipment through American manufacturing (without unions of course) so that hospitals can have a lower investment margin. Additionally, I am for the government requiring that the hospitals begin to reduce the salaries of the medical professionals as a result of the free med school and stuff.

    The second thing that I am for is the drilling of our own oil. Screw the animals-they can manage on their own like the rest of us. Bring those jobs back to our middle class. Having some of these jobs back can provide help in bringing down unemployment and under employment. This can be a great way to bring prices down in gas and provide revenue for governments through encouraging people to start taking trips again.

    The final-encourage those to get a job or set up programs for them to work for their ‘unemployment’ benefits. Sorta like the CCC in the depression era. Additionally, provide additional tax benefits for those middle class individuals that are working a job and expand into other incomes-like iPhone/Android/Mac apps, ebooks, membership sites and the like (there are plenty of alternatives for secondary incomes)-because these individuals are willing to work for creating a better life. I think these individuals deserve to have an extra break for being willing to expand their lifestyles rather than trying to overly limit their budgets.

    • Financial Samurai says

      I donno Michael. As you get older, and witness people suffering, I think you’ll appreciate the humanity of universal healthcare, even if there are a lot of unhealthy people in America.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      • Mike says

        IDK. I’ve already realized that universal healthcare isn’t something I want. Public option and free med school makes more sense to me. But I guess that is just my opinion.

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