The presidential election is just days away! This is when candidates start hamming it up and telling us all the great things they will do for us to gain or retain power. My favorite policies are ones that redistribute money from those who’ve earned it to those who haven’t. That rocks!
Given politicians love power, I hereby declare my wish list of things if they promise to do, will buy my vote. Everybody needs to think about what type of goodies you want from the government as well. For those of you who have the privilege of paying federal income taxes, do not let your tax dollars go to waste! You will be thrown in jail if you do not pay your federal income taxes, so it’s important to demand concessions.
Obama and Mitt, if you’re still reading my site (I see those White House IP addresses hit on occasion), think long and hard about my list of demands. Mitt, you should be especially vigilant because my crystal ball says you are on track to lose big time. Obama is doing a much, much better job convincing the middle class he will provide us more benefits. You don’t want to waste all that time and donor’s money again now would you?
TOP 10 WISHES TO GET MY VOTE
1) Guarantee 100% of Social Security benefits will be there for everybody under the age of 40 by reducing Social Security benefits for all current recipients except for my parents, friends, readers of Financial Samurai who’ve registered for my e-mail or RSS feed, and people I like in general. We must make hard choices on Social Security now! Spread the burden to all, and not just to folks working today who don’t believe they’ll receive Social Security when they retire.
2) Implement free health care for every single person in America and pass the cost on to the Axis of Evil! Goodness knows they can afford it, which is why I didn’t mention Europe. Oh crap, they are screwed, but so happy too! Health catastrophe is consistently one of the top reasons for personal bankruptcy. It is not fair that wealthy people get to jump the line to get rare transplants. We need equality in healthcare because so much of survival is hereditary, except for when we eat lots of donuts and don’t exercise.
3) Pass a law enforcing all Americans to buy at least $3,000 a year worth of products from Bay Area companies. One MacBook Pro 13″ for $1,699 gets you 57% of the way there! Heck, one unlocked 16GB iPhone 5 costs $700 after tax and people are queueing up like crazy! We need more money pumping into the San Francisco area to kick start wages, increase property prices, and jack up rents. If you are sick of Apple products, then make some transactions on eBay or Paypal to generate some commissions. While you’re at it, ask yourself how can the economy be bad if millions of people can afford products they don’t need?
4) Force all corporates who’ve shown at least 25% year over year earnings growth for the past 3 years to increase hiring by 15%. There is more cash on corporate balance sheets than ever before. Furthermore, introduce tax incentives for small business owners to hire more people instead of penalizing them. The government will hunt the highest income earning people down for not paying 39.6% in Federal income tax, why not threaten to incarcerate the bosses of very profitable corporates for not spending their profits on hiring people now? Bust out the big stick!
5) Increase the amount of bailouts for homeowners to encourage more people to buy homes. We need to jump start the property market, so why not comfort on-the-fence buyers they can’t lose? Moral hazard be damned! Housing and employment are two peas in a pod. Force Fannie & Freddie to forgive more mortgage debt and force banks to reduce mortgage rates for all types of homeowners, not just primary home owners. Refinancing a mortgage takes forever nowadays. Meanwhile, so many underwater homeowners cannot refinance despite never missing a payment. Let’s make greedy banks share the wealth!
6) Raise the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge tolls from $6 dollars to $25 dollars to raise city revenue, reduce traffic, and reduce pollution. There’s a perfectly good public transportation system into the city which more commuters should use. To appease car manufacturers and dealers, create another bailout fund for car buyers to decrease the chance of default. Oh yeah, Detroit got that already, so they better not beat the SF Giants in the World Series, or that’s clearly government favoritism.
7) Slap a 1,000% tariff on cigarettes, thereby increasing a cost per pack to from $4 to $40-$90 per pack depending on brand. I love the baked smell of Lucky Strikes, but alas, if I have to pay $90 a pack, I’m not going to smoke them no more. I’ll go cut some grass in my back yard and smoke that instead for free, baby! Everybody knows smoking is bad for you. Let’s try and eradicate the last stubborn few who believe smoking doesn’t accelerate death. Oh yeah, might as well legalize marijuana since it’s all naturale. When I was in Amsterdam, the Coffee Shops banned tobacco and only allowed weed because of tobacco’s carcinogens. We could learn something from the happiest people on earth!
8) Make the 99 weeks of unemployment insurance permanent so that it helps people who know when they plan to retire to count on additional income for 99 weeks once they do retire! There is no way federal unemployment benefits will not be extended in 2013 if the government knows what’s good for them. In addition to the extension, let’s provide another level of unemployment insurance that goes up to 300 weeks for those who’ve worked in humanity-helping fields such as teaching, no-profit, and personal finance blogging. For all those who like to criticize and complain without providing any content, you get nothing, and like it.
9) Raise federal income taxes on those making more than $2 million a year to 70% and implement a 10% per annum added wealth tax for those with net worth of greater than $100 million. It’ll do nothing to close our budget deficit gap, but it will make the 99.9% of us who don’t make such income feel better about ourselves. Imagine all the self-esteem boost we’ll all have! We should never take for granted our ability to impose our religion, our marriage unions, and our tax increases on others. Shit is fucked up and bullshit, but you are the government!
10) Pass a law imprisoning politicians who don’t do what they say on the campaign trail. Lying is wrong. We must hold our leaders to a higher standard. How else do we plan to teach our children about ethics if little Susie can simply say, “Well, the President said this and did the opposite, so why can’t I?” Oh, and before any new taxes are imposed, how about politicians reform their own pensions first? Yeah, baby yeah!
Obama, Joe, Mitt, Paul, all I ask is that you do the following 10 things above. If you do, I promise to vote for you on Tuesday, November 6, and look the other way on other egregious policies. Shoot me a private e-mail if you wish. And to everyone who doesn’t live in California, I thank you in advance for bailing us out just in case we spend way more than we earn again. Go USA!
Readers, what are your top wishes for our candidates?