Saving Our Daughters From Bad Men And A Life Of Misery

Cut Little Piggy At The County Fair

Oink, oink

“What the hell was I thinking going out with him?” the woman cries to her friend as she breaks down in tears. “I can’t believe he’s now with my sister, that asshole!” I couldn’t help but overhear this emotionally destraught woman as I sipped on my lemon water using free wifi. Who knew Starbucks was such a fun place to write?

In a world full of good men, why do women constantly end up with bad men? A man’s biggest fear is becoming a father to a daughter who ends up with a deadbeat loser. If we knew our daughters would always select fantastic men, we wouldn’t be so afraid to have girls! Unfortunately, we are inundated with disaster stories.

Women breaking up with men because they discover they can’t change their man unless he goes through a lobotomy is pretty common. Husbands leaving wives who are mothers to be with younger women is so cliche. It’s hard to imagine it’s been over 20 years since Woody Allen at age 55 pursued 19 year old Soon-Yi. Men are dirty dogs, yet women love us all the same. It’s as if some women are genetically wired to be attracted to trouble.

Let’s go through an exercise to try and understand why women go out with suboptimal men. Altogether this post will have the perspectives of 15 different men and women to better understand “what the hell was I thinking” and save our daughters, sisters and girlfriends from a life of misery. 

FIVE BACHELORS – WHICH ONE TO PICK?

The following are five bachelors molded after real people currently looking for love. Have a read of their profiles and tell me which one(s) you prefer.

Bachelor #1

Age: 30
Occupation: Part-time Grocery Store Clerk
Education: Sasquatch High School
Income: $22,000
Net Worth: $50,000
Personality: Poser, easily jealous, delusional, and crude. Extremely unmotivated to work unless it’s working on his Dungeons & Dragons strategy. Very insecure and enjoys spending 7-10 hours a day behind a computer.
Looks: Spare tire, pimples, looks eight years older than his age, crooked teeth, thinning hair, and could play a child molester in a cop TV show.
Living Situation: Lives with his mother.

Bachelor #2

Age: 29
Occupation: Search Engine Optimization specialist
Education: Junior College
Income: $43,000
Net Worth: $40,000
Personality: Multiple personality disorder. Can be nice at times, but downright evil as well. Does drugs and used to have a big drinking problem. Very insecure because he’s almost 30 and still doesn’t know what to do with his life. All he sees is people his age doing better than him online so he’s constantly depressed. He constantly asks himself: If I am such a great SEO analyst, then why don’t I have my own mega site thanks to my SEO skills? Self doubt permeates through every single pore in his body.
Looks: Thin, 6 feet tall, average looks.
Living Situation: Recently bought a $200,000 one bedroom condo with a $180,000 mortgage because all his friends were buying properties a year ago and he just had to have one too.

Bachelor #3

Age: 41
Occupation: Bartender/Bar Manager
Education: Northeastern University, not to be confused with Northwestern University
Income: $80,000
Net Worth: $220,000
Personality: Intense and indifferent at the same time. Doesn’t seem ready to commit to any woman because he hasn’t achieved his dream of being a bar owner yet at the age of 41. He naturally gets to meet a lot of women due to the nature of the business so that is exactly what he does. He’s a master of keeping multiple women on ice.
Looks: Around 5′ 8″ tall and shaves his head with a blade because he’s balding. He looks like a slightly bigger version of movie actor Jason Statham.
Living Situation: Rents a one bedroom for $2,500/month in Manhattan.

Bachelor #4:

Age: 34
Occupation: Private Equity
Education: University of Penn undergrad, Columbia MBA.
Income: $500,000+
Net Worth: $3 million
Personality: Hilarious, charitable, thoughtful, calls his mom once a week, and worries a little too much given he’s responsible for a lot of money. He’s used to succeeding, which makes him come across as arrogant at times. He’s averaged two different dates a week for the past three years since business school. Guys love to hate him, but overall, he has a good heart and wants to settle down now that he’s turning 35 and had his fun.
Looks: Straight teeth, average height, athletic, charming, did a print shoot for Bass when younger. Mothers love him.
Living Situation: Owns a $1.6 million dollar two bedroom condo in Manhattan.

Bachelor #5:

Age: 35
Occupation: Cardiologist
Education: PhD from Yale, Fellowship from Cornell
Income: $250,000
Net Worth: $100,000, but with huge potential.
Personality: Funny, gregarious, chivalrous, and caring. He wanted to be a pediatrician, but decided to go for a more lucrative field in medicine given he’s spent so much time studying. He’s a little bit of a pushover and lacks some self confidence because he’s getting a very late start in making money having just finished his fellowship at age 35.
Looks: Fit, pretty hairy, tan, looks younger than he is, great smile, has the book smart look.
Living Situation: Rents a a nice $2,900 a month one bedroom as he saves up for a downpayment on a house in Boston.

VIEWPOINTS AS A BROTHER, FATHER, OR BEST FRIEND

The Grocery Store Clerk: Grocery store clerks are some of the hardest working people around. Power to them for working hard rather than complain why the world isn’t fair. But out of shape guys who look like child predators and still live at home with their parents probably should be avoided. The least he can do is try and get in shape, fix his teeth, and find a place of his own at age 30. He doesn’t bother, so it’s no surprise that he’s still single at 30. He’s out.

The SEO Specialist: In a world where search engine optimization is increasingly unnecessary beyond the basics because Google is getting smarter every day, this fella won’t have an SEO career for long. Unfortunately, he recently screwed up his company’s search results and is at risk of getting fired. He’s never held on to a job for more than a year, largely due to his belligerent nature and drinking problem. Despite his deficiencies, girls still go out with him on occasion because he’s normal looking and can mask his nature for the first month. But every girl who has gone out with him before has come away extremely disappointed. He’s out. 

The Bar Manager: Women love bachelor #3 because bar managers at hot establishments are like mini-celebrities. If you know the bar manager, you don’t have to wait as long for service. Sometimes he’ll hook you up with free drinks too if he fancies you. Even though Bachelor #1 is creepy, and Bachelor #2 is an angry alcoholic, the bar manager is every father’s worst nightmare because he knows this bar manager will hook up left and right with other women no matter what. The bar manager is the prototypical guy every woman wants to try and “fix.” Few women ever succeed because he’s got so many options he doesn’t need to change. He’s out. 

The Private Equity Investor: Lots of women love bachelor #4 because he exudes confidence. He’s not afraid to walk up to women and start an engaging conversation. Once they find out he’s in private equity, it’s goodnight Irene because women assume he’s financially secure and they would be right with a net worth of over $3 million dollars. He’s got a nice ride and a swanky bachelor pad in the West Village. This bachelor’s count is over 100, but hasn’t caught any diseases yet. A lot of women wanted to lock him down in his late 20s, but couldn’t. Now that he’s in his 30s, he’s looking to finally settle down and start a family. Potential!

The Cardiologist: This guy is every mother and father’s dream. He might not be the best looking guy of the bunch, but he is certainly better looking than bachelor #1! This Yale medical doctor’s goal is to help save lives. With a multiple six figure income, his net worth growth potential is enormous. He’s a caring man who wants to treat his wife like a princess. The only downside is that he’s a little old fashioned and would prefer his wife not to work, unless she is a doctor herself. Parents rest easier knowing their daughter will be set for life. Marry my daughter!

SO WHY DO WOMEN PICK BACHELORS #1 AND #2

I surveyed 10 women before writing this post and they came back with the following answers as to why some women still pick Mr. Predator and Mr. SEO. On a side note, if you ever want to strike up a conversation with a beautiful woman, tell them you are a writer and have this scenario you’d like her help with. You’ll be amazed at how much great banter you’ll have.

“Well, if you don’t have much going for you, then you’ve got to settle.”

“Maybe they grew up as childhood friends and that’s all she’s ever known?”

“I’ve been out with bad guys before, and it’s because I know deep down there is good in all of them.”

“I don’t care so much about looks so long as he’s funny. But looking like a child predator creeps me out.”

“If alcoholics never get action, and alcoholism is hereditary, then why are there so many alcoholics?”

“The last time a Cardiologist or a Male Model asked me out was never.”

“Women have needs too.”

“Money isn’t everything you know.”

“The hotter and richer he is, the more stressed out I’ll be.”

“Nothing like a trip to the orthodontist and 50 sessions with my personal trainer can’t fix.”

“She’ll learn, eventually. He’s got divorce written all over him.”

“Bald men are sexy.”

“Maybe she’s just not that attractive.”

“Loser women go out with loser men.”

Thanks for the great perspectives ladies! I particularly like the comment about how one doesn’t want an attractive man because she’ll be more stressed out. Furthermore, I never really thought about “‘loser women go out with loser men” because I’ve also thought of women to be much better than men overall in everything.

TIPS FOR WHERE TO FIND GOOD MEN

* Search online. As a result of an imperfect world, women settle for what they can find instead of what they want. But, something awesome was invented within the past 15 years, and that something is internet dating (What if she’s a man, baby?) through websites like OKCupid, Match, and eHarmony. By harnessing the efficiencies of the web, we can quickly lower our emotional and monetary costs when finding mates with pre-screening. The problem with internet dating is misrepresentation where you meet the person and think, “WTF happened to you?

* Relocate. If you are looking for Yale cardiologists, move to New Haven, Connecticut and snag them while they are still lowly paid residents! If you are looking for a multi-millionaire Facebook, Google, Twitter, AirBnB, and Netflix employees, move to San Francisco, California. Dating is a numbers game. The more people you are exposed to, the higher the chance of finding someone you’ll love. Be honest with the area in which you currently live. Is it a mecca where ambitious men come to fulfill their dreams? Or is it a place where men go to kick back, smoke some weed, and live off the government? Washington and Colorado, California is with you!

* Through friends. Some of the best relationships come from an introduction. Your friend has already vetted your potential soul mate, so at least you have that going for you. Successful people tend to hang around with other successful people. Ask your friends who you most admire to make some introductions! Everybody loves playing match maker!

* Charity events. It’s hard to donate to charity if you don’t have your personal finances in order. Fund raiser parties are an absolute gold mine for finding financially able and thoughtful men. You’ll be forced to donate to charity as well, but that’s good for your soul, so don’t be shy. Once you are in the philanthropy circuit, you’re in for a long while.

* Go where you always go. Men go to chocolate festivals, spas, Lululemon stores, and yoga class to meet women. So don’t worry women, you don’t have to change your routine as much as you think because men will do all the work for you. Of course you’ve actually got to go out and be active.

WHAT ARE WOMEN THINKING?

As parents, friends, and siblings, we desperately want what’s best for the women in our lives. In a perfect world all five bachelors would be readily available for you to just choose with a point of a finger. Unfortunately, we live in a world full of inefficiencies where we hear women constantly cry, “Where are all the good men?!” or “All the good men are taken!

With a divorce rate of 50%, it’s up to us to be the objective force that keeps our women from settling. Never stop looking until you find someone you love because you’ll have wasted all those tears and all those years on someone you’ll end up despising if you settle. With more than 3 billion men on earth, it’s highly likely there is somebody for everybody. Even if a relationship doesn’t work out in the end, at least you’ll get half of a lot of money instead of half of nothing if you go with bachelors #4 and #5.

Who are we really to say what will make our daughters happy? Sometimes the train misses a car stuck on the tracks. Sometimes the moon is blue. But until women can start selecting better men, men will always fear for their daughters’ well-being. And until men can stop being bachelors 1-3, then perhaps women won’t be able to change either. Long live free will.

Women, why go out with a bad man when there are so many single good men to sweep you off your feet? Do you agree with any of the comments by women in this post? Why ever settle for a guy who disrespects his mother, yet still lives at home when you can go out with a philanthropist who is saving children for a living? Any hot date for you this coming Valentine’s Day?

Related: Why Single Men Love Growing Old

Regards,

Sam

 

Sam started Financial Samurai in 2009 during the depths of the financial crisis as a way to make sense of chaos. After 13 years working on Wall Street, Sam decided to retire in 2012 to utilize everything he learned in business school to focus on online entrepreneurship.

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Comments

  1. David D says

    Fun post! In response to: “Furthermore, I never really thought about “‘loser women go out with loser men” because I’ve also thought of women to be much better than men overall in everything.”

    IMHO…on average, a cardiologist or other highly paid professional is only dating other highly educated people. I have family members who are not college educated and therefore, are not finding doctors, lawyers, or even college graduates to date/marry. Of course, exceptions exist, but more often than not, we find people close to our education/background levels…these factors help us connect quickly when we meet someone. These people make us feel comfortable when we introduce this person to our friends and family.

    When one is younger than I (teens and early twenties), education/background are not as important, since you are typically not dating to get married. These factors become more important when you are looking for a long-term relationship.

    • says

      You make a very good point. The cardiologist in my example only wants to marry a woman with a Master’s degree or higher. His bigger preference is to marry a medical PhD as well. But how many of us have PhDs? Not many at all!

      There is certainly amount of self selecting going on. But the good thing is, unlike being of Royal blood which cannot be helped, one CAN work on their education if they really wanted to.

  2. Phillip says

    A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

    A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

    Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

    I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.
    I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
    You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
    My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
    I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
    Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
    If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
    I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

    1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
    2) Which age group should I target?
    3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
    4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
    Ms. Pretty

    A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

    Dear Ms. Pretty,
    I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
    My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.
    From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
    Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
    However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.
    Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
    By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”.
    If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.
    Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

    Hope this reply helps.

    signed,
    J.P. Morgan CEO

  3. says

    Haha, fun post Sam. People are funny though. I know plenty of women, including several of my friends, that have issues and sabotage relationships with any decent person. Plus, how about the doctors with their trophy spouses. I’m glad my wife and I are delightfully mid range. If I have a daughter, I’ll just be happy if she finds someone that both treats her well and isn’t self destructive. Again, I really enjoyed your post
    -Bryan

  4. says

    I gotta say, I would reject all your choices. Possibly because I’m still quite young and have a lot of time to weigh my options, but more because #5 is of zero interest to me if he wants to just have a wife, a princess and not a partner. #4 has more potential in this case than #5 but the playboy side is a serious turn-off and indicator of possible bad behavior in the future. Frankly, I want to be the power player (or breadwinner) in the relationship so I’d prefer to have a man who’d fit the traditional role of a woman as a stay-at-home caretaker. I believe plenty of millennial women are also leaning in this direction. Clearly #4 and #5 would also be out in this case. I wouldn’t be tempted by 1,2 or 3 because they clearly aren’t worth my time and energy.

    • says

      I should hope with a long time BF you’d reject them all! What would he say otherwise? :)

      This post is position to think as a parent, sibling or best friend looking out for a woman heading into an interestin relationship.

      Love that you want to be the Power Player in the relationship!

    • says

      Umm… awesome!

      Personally its not all about the husband for me.. although I have a great one! Its what I do with my career. That both our decisions about our lives don’t actually conflict. And hec I like being the breadwinner.

      And BTW – I doubt its because you’re young. I’m older now and the attitude doesn’t go away ;)

  5. nbsdmp says

    Love the post! this is going to come off kind of jerky…but it is my honest to goodness life experience. Essentially I am Bachelor #4…After a bad break up with a girl that I though was “the one” and I did everything in my power to be the “good guy”, I decided to try and experiment in dating. Basically, be the bad boy who is a tad cocky and aloof to any serious relationship but at the same time being respectful and treating women like ladies. The reaction was shocking…trust me when I say women respond to the bad boy. It has kind of shaken me a little bit honestly because although all women talk about is that the want the nice dude, at the end of the day they want to be kept on their toes. I know I’m a limited sample size and there are great women out there…but being the nice guy does not work 90% of the time.

    • Swank says

      nbsdmp: I also know that being the bad boy has resulted in a higher number of dates or attraction. However I don’t think the dating world if you are looking for someone special is a numbers game. I quit the act in college and was just my nice guy self for many years without locating the right one for me up until last year at 31. Trust me man you don’t want to go out with the type of girl that is attracted to the bad boy that treats her unlike she should be treated. This typically is a red flag that she has some issues that will definitely come to a head with in a short time frame in the relationship. My advice is stick to who you are and if that is a nice independent, wealthy, smart dude then be that and only date the gals that appreciate all that being brought to the table and don’t settle for anything less.

      • nbsdmp says

        Swank, I am with you on this…I sort of go back and forth though and how I interact with different women. Honestly though, I’m pretty damn happy as is…significantly happier than my married friends and co-workers. I would bet if we all would take a poll of the people around us in our lives the “I’m satisfied with my relationship” % would be less than 40% of the people out there…For those who are and who have found a great partner, you guys/gals are the really lucky ones! For now I’m just going to enjoy life and not worry about that side of things, but its fun to chat about : )

  6. Austin says

    Someone relayed to me (what sounds like) a good piece of advice she received as a young girl:
    When looking for a partner, don’t compare everyone to an endless list of what you want. Instead generate a short list of the attributes you know you do not want, things which you will not compromise on. You never know who might resonate with you and if you’re not compromising on your core principals your options become more broad.

  7. B says

    Having been in a long-term relationship throughout my late teens/twenties with a stereotypical “bad guy” (who was at least financially successful), I can say now without hesitation I’d never go there again and I’d caution every woman I know that as soon as you spot a “bad guy” (and by that I mean a narcissist/sociopath – those are harsh words but they describe the exact kind of guy you want your daughter/sister/friends to avoid), the only thing you can do is run.

    I don’t regret the relationship with the “bad guy” because I was really young, I learned some hard lessons that only experience can teach and now I will never take for granted the person I’m now dating, who is kind, loving, respectful.

    Also, to the poster above playing the role of the aloof “bad guy”, I think your approach is fine if you are interested in dating several women right now, but I don’t think that approach will form the foundation for a safe and loving relationship. I’ve gone out with a couple essentially nice guys who played that game and didn’t give them a second date, mostly because I’m hypersensitive to that type of behavior. But when I met someone who offered emotional safety (and he matches the description of #4 above to a T, other than he’s a little older and divorced), I stuck like glue. If it doesn’t work out with us for some reason, at least my faith has been restored! Nice guys only.

    • nbsdmp says

      B, I know…that is the sad/crazy part, the rub is that women have actually trained me that I get significantly more positive results being less nice…it sort of sucks honestly that it is like this. I think all people want a challenge & not a boring push over, the trick is finding that right balance.

      • B says

        It’s true – Experience, the must brutal of teachers! Bad boys have sex appeal. Their sex appeal doesn’t last. They leave scars. You learn from them. Nice guy comes along and you can’t help but cherish him. I’ve even made peace with “boring” – if a nice guy provides safety, security, love and companionship, then I can bring the excitement. This, IMO, is a much better formula for a happy life.

  8. Edward says

    I had a good female friend once tell me, “You have a clean apartment, good income, you do all your own cooking, laundry, and ironing–there’s nothing for a woman to do here! You sort of make them feel useless.” So yeah, sometimes slobs win, I guess. I’ll stay single if being a loser in need of a mom is what it takes.
    I’m 43, never married, tall, and as far as I know not socially awkward, a weirdo, or anything else. That whole women dating bad men because “deep down there is good in all of them” is true of many of the logics that I’ve met and a complete load of rubbish. Hey, I’ve met those guys too and they’re just jerks. Dating scene where I live is insanely bad. Current age-appropriate woman’s profile goes something like: “Single mom of three (all from different men), doesn’t want any more. Currently going back to school. A few extra pounds.” So 1) Doesn’t want kids with me but I have to put up with exes, 2) Unemployed, 3) Out of shape. Great–and the selling point there is what exactly? Your uneducated companionship? I get told to move to a bigger city where there’s more successful women. …Sounds good on paper but I don’t like big cities much. Meh, single’s not so bad. And it’s way better than being in something miserable.

    • says

      Sounds kinda rough dealing with 3 exes!

      The question for you though is, at 43, do you want to settle down or no? And if you can’t find the ideal person, are you willing to settle to just be with someone to say goodnight to?

    • Jojo says

      It’s pretty tough. Some women thinks that they can changed the guy. In reality, the majority failed. Personally, I am always attracted to nice, responsible, supportive, possess a certain level of intelligence and husband material types of guys. The bad boy, mouthy or unmotivated type of guys are a turn off for me. I am not stronge enough to deal with excessive of dramas.

  9. MissX says

    I keep asking myself that question…! Why do I insist on finding emotionally unavailable guys that make me unhappy! It doesn’t matter if they are highly educated or not, if they make a lot more money than me or a lot less, or if they are older than me or younger than me… I always tend to end up with the same type of guy.

    Personally, I think it has to do with fear of commitment (yes, girls can have a fear of commitment too) and that fear of commitment was caused by lack of attention/love during childhood. If you are not used to getting a lot of love from your parents, how are you going to handle getting it from a guy?

    So if I had to give you some advice on what to do if you want your daughter to end up with someone who loves and respect her, I’d say make sure you give her lots of love and respect – actual physical contact/hugs and saying “I love you” is essential – that way she’ll never settle for anything less. That’s my theory, at least.

  10. RB says

    These posts are always entertaining to me. I’m always kind of amazed at how women will date bartenders and personal trainers, then get upset when they find out he’s dating three different women. I think you’re giving the private equity guy too much credit. He tends to tell the same ten jokes and give less of a percentage of his income to charity than the bartender, not to mention his odds of not catching anything yet.

    To nbsdmp – You don’t have to be the “bad boy”, you just have to not appear desperate. I recently messed up with the first woman I’ve really liked in a while by making myself too available.

      • RB says

        Hmmmm… The first two are so unhappy with their own lives that it seems unlikely that anyone would be happy with them. The bartender and private equity guys might be ok if they were devoted to her and she was either willing to be the +1 forever or gregarious enough not be overshadowed. The problem with the cardiologist is he’s boring. He sounds a bit like a hobbit – main character, may save the world, but not going to get the girl. But he’s the best choice out of the five. You hope that they can grow to love each other and she has enough space to follow her own dreams…

  11. says

    I’m probably a really bad example, since I’m a 35 year old girl who’s been single most of her adult life (except for the last year and a half). I think there are a lot of misperceptions when it comes to what girls want. I don’t want a “bad boy”. But I have a strong personality, and I don’t want a guy who’s going to just roll over. I want someone who can hold his own in a relationship, and truly be a partner.

    #1 has always been a no for me; he doesn’t bring anything to the relationship. #3 and #4 would also be out; even when I worked in a bar, I never dated a bartender. I don’t like the idea of having to compete for a guy. And, even though there’s typically a double standard for men and women, I’m not easy, I don’t want to be with a guy who is. I’ll admit to having fallen for #2 before; it sometimes takes a while to see him for what he is. There’s no long term potential there though. With #5, it all comes down to personality. Are we going to be partners? Or is he going to roll over and be a “whatever you want” kind of guy? Cause as sweet as that sounds, I want to know I’m building a life WITH someone, not just because of them. There are two people in a relationship.

    • says

      Love your thoughts and congrats for finding your man!

      Thanks for being honest about going out with a schizofrenic alcoholic multiple personality guy! That musta been exciting yeah?

      Partner in crime. A good idea.

  12. says

    Tsk. Tsk. My good friend. If only it were as easy as hooking up with the high valued target.

    The is a missing variable in this post…the personality, looks, and ambition of your theoretical daughter.

    Who says that bachelor #4 or #5 wants to put up with your daughter? What if your daughter is selfish? What if she can’t hold an intellectual conversation?

    It would seem that the assumption is that the women choose the men, but in the case of #4 and #5, they’ll be the one’s choosing the women.

    Cheers!

  13. Shaun says

    I think your assessment here is too logical. Women react to feeling more than anything else. Whats on paper almost doesn’t matter. If a girl meets you is like what do you do and you go on and on about your successful career as a cardiologist, she’ll feel as if you’re trying to impress her and then feel that she’s higher status than you(or how she feels about her last failed relationship with a cardiologist).

    If she asks what you do and you go I’m the lord or Winterfel (game of thrones reference anyone?) it won’t feel as if you’re sucking up to her to get in her pants and it will feel as if you’re higher status by in no way seeking her approval. Try telling a new woman you’re the most low-level profession you can think of next time and see how she reacts, I think you’ll be surprised to find it almost doesn’t matter what you say as long as you own it and act as if you’re 100% happy with it.

    • Meghan says

      Honestly, it matters to me. That was my issue back home in Colorado. Lots of men are there to ski and hike but don’t have high, or even mid-level professional aspirations.

      Here in DC, you’ll find a lot more ambition and it seems like everyone cares what you do before they’ll buy you a drink. Sam, start a dating site. ;)

      • says

        Haha, no.

        Ok, maybe DateAWriter.com or DateABlogger.com

        You don’t like the ski bum types in Vail and Aspen?

        I was going to be one of those guys in Squaw, Tahoe and just live in my place, write in the morning, board midday, hot tub and fun at night. Ain’t so bad!

        • Meghan says

          Sure, but both towns are a bit far from Denver for legitimate dating. Maybe one day, I won’t be tied to large government hubs and can do freelancing from a nice little tow home in Glenwood or Vail.

          • Red says

            Meghan – I live in Colorado and have the same problem, except it’s meeting a woman that I want to share my life with. I’m curious what “ambitious” means to you? I’m not flashy with my money, but I have a career and both a house and condo in the mountains.

            • Meghan says

              It generally means no service industry, working full time at REI, being a personal trainer, or being a whitewater rafting guide and not wanting to do anything beyond that. I don’t want anyone to support me. I would like for them to have an income that’s at least 70% of mine but that’s not a requirement if they’re doing public service, are an entrepreneur, etcetera. That’s not weird, right? I’m 31 and am at an age where I want a little more success than say…when I was 22.

        • Meghan says

          I should clarify my response. Bartending in Vail doesn’t work. Trust me, I have met some good looking bartenders up there.

    • mysticaltyger says

      “Women react more to feeling more than anything else”. That’s a mouthful right there. That’s the problem. Feelings are important, but they aren’t going to carry you in any long term relationship, but so many act as if they will. I think this is part of the reason why so many cultures came up with arranged marriage. They figured out a few thousand years ago that people in their teens and early 20s are REALLY BAD at picking compatible mates for themselves. By the time people figure out how to pick a compatible mate, they are in their 30s — and by that time they’re divorced or with a few kids out of wedlock, or they haven’t had any kids and are almost past child bearing age. The whole arranged marriage thing avoids this set of dilemmas.

  14. says

    I have a daughter and I literally stay awake at night worrying about this situation. It scared the hell out of me, things would be so much easier if I could disapprove the relationship but that will only make her want the loser even more. I have plenty of time to develop my plan as my daughter is only approaching 3 years old, but thanks for the great tips!

    • says

      Marvin, thanks for being honest about how you feel as a father. I fear I will have the same fears, and as a writer, I’m playing out as many scenarios as possible. Probably unnecessary, but at least it makes for some fun blog writing.

  15. Mike Hunt says

    Great post. I have a 7 month old daughter, and we are so far away from worrying about all of these scenarios. Believe me, nothing puts your focus on the present than spending time with an infant.

    I’m sure I’ll just have to trust that everything will work out for the best. It is your child’s life, and not your own. You can’t micro manage everything, although you can try and share life lessons and do your best to be a good parent.

    -Mike

  16. says

    Women date “bad boys” because many times they don’t know all the details to the person’s life and think they can change them for the better anyway – though that never works. Listing these bachelor’s with all their flaws makes it easy to choose number 5 or 6. However, in real life, these details aren’t laid out plain as day making it more nebulous to select the right mate. Thankfully for some of us, we just lucked out!

  17. says

    * Married guy here, so take this with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila ;-) *

    Not to minimize, but modern day dating really sucks. It’s a terrible formula of two people using each other until one of them gets sick of it and peaces out.

    I recommend friendship. Become friends, enjoy each other without the pressures of dating, and then move forward from there. I know that is simplifying things, and biological clocks can be very pushy, but SLOW THE HELL DOWN AND GET TO KNOW SOMEONE before dating. Srsly!

    And as someone who just had a daughter, here’s the key:

    Be the man in her life that sets the standard so high for your daughter that any guy pursuing her will have to eclipse that standard to even consider dating her.

  18. says

    This might sound like bragging but it’s just the way things have gone in my life.

    I never had a “bad boy” phase so I don’t understand the appeal. I’ve had 4 boyfriends, all of whom were good guys, all of whom went on to get MDs or PhDs (and I’m finishing up my PhD). For me it was purely about the dating pool i.e. peer group I was exposed to. I attended highly competitive STEM schools and dated the guys with the highest GPAs in my class – not by conscious design, but in retrospect apparently that was part of what I was attracted to.

    I say all this to reinforce your suggestions about relocating and meeting people through friends. Attending a college with a high male-to-female ratio really worked in my favor. I didn’t even meet guys who weren’t already high-achieving (for that life stage).

    I’m married now, but I still hang out with lots of great guys, some of whom are single. It’s hard for me to hear my single girlfriends talk about the dearth of men when I see so many catches within our common friend group. I guess it’s an attraction or “spark” thing? They (get) friendzoned too early.

  19. says

    Well, it takes time to find the right one. And you kinda find yourself dating #1 or #2’s sometimes. As soon as you realize it, it’s important to cut ties and move on. Many don’t.
    I was particular in my search and found a partner in crime. But he also found me.

  20. Virginia says

    Here is my ideal guy:

    Age: 35
    Occupation: Engineer
    Education: Prestigious egineering univerisity
    Income: $110,000
    Net Worth: $750,000
    Personality: Hard-working and devoted partner. Able to fix things around the house and enjoys cars and Star Trek in his free time.
    Looks: Handsome in an understated way.
    Living Situation: Owns a $600,000 home

  21. says

    I think it gets down to self esteem. If yo have low self esteem, you are satisfied with almost anything. The other factor is simply poor judgment. Both factors have a huge influence on self confidence. It affects the kind of mate you may choose.

  22. mysticaltyger says

    Here’s an old fashioned comment, but I think it’s true:

    –Women go to bed with men too soon! Women are more likely to get emotionally attached to sex than men…so women are more likely to want to stay with a guy after she’s gone to bed with him, even if he’s no good for her. Also, since men can get sex without commitment, they don’t have to worry about marriage to get what they want.

    Another factor at play here is that there’s always a shortage of marriageable men. That’s because I suspect there are more gay men than lesbian women (I could be wrong, but I’m saying this as a gay man myself). Also, there are a lot more men in prison and otherwise institutionalized than women. More young men die from reckless behavior than young women. All of this means the men who are marriagable, and even marginal men, have more leverage. The only leverage young women have is not going to bed with men right away.

    The other factor at play here: There is TOO MUCH EMPHASIS IN OUR CULTURE ON THE IDEA THAT “LOVE IS ENOUGH”. I learned this the hard way, myself. Being in love is never enough. Potential is meaningless. It’s what people actually do that counts.

    The best book I ever read on this subject (great for anyone, but written for striaght women) was “Is He Mr. Right?” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It goes over all 5 aspects of chemistry (of which passion/attraction/being in love is only one aspect). Kirshenbaum says the person you marry has to have a passing grade (They don’t have to be a “10” but they have to definitely pass) in all 5 categories for it to work. Kirshenbaum also concurs with Sam that dating is definitely a numbers game. She says people should be a little bit calculating and if someone isn’t a good fit, they should cut them loose quickly. This is actually the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and the other person, as it prevents a lot of wasted time and heartache for both parties. I wish a book like this had been around when I was in my late teens and early 20s. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache!

    • says

      Coulda sworn you were a straight woman! Welcome!

      So what’s it like in your world then because I just looked up the percentage of gay men in SF and it’s surprisingly low at only 13-14%. If love is a numbers game, does this mean it’s harder for you to find the one?

  23. says

    I think immaturity, inexperience, and low self esteem probably have a lot to do with it. And sometimes it’s hard to see the bad things when you have blinders on. I’ve had to tell a few friends to rethink who they were dating before b/c the relationships were not healthy or worth pursuing further.

  24. Julie says

    Fun article! I was going to pick #5 but then the description said “pretty hairy” so I got grossed out and picked #4 :). Anyway that is my pick on paper, so to speak. But in the real world I am, unfortunately, drawn to the wrong type of person so I haven’t dated for awhile because I don’t trust my choices.

  25. says

    This article is spot on. Unfortunately, there are other possibilities such as women choosing bad men because their parents were not good examples or never sat their daughters down and discussed these types of men and where she would end up with them. Those who are immature, naive, insecure, or very shy will face problems as well. This should be required reading particularly for those whose parents are falling down on their job.

  26. Renee s says

    I must admit that I used to set my standards very low for men. It was a mix of low self esteem and this drive to just be wanted. I was younger (college), but thankfully I realized that I am worth more than what these horrible men had to offer.

    I started becoming pretty selective in my dating (which happened to be mostly online)–haha–they had to be nice to me, talk to me and treat me nicely and like a human being. Those were my selective attributes, haha. You would be surprised how many guys did not live up to those standards! When my standards were low, I would put up with it, but since my standards changed, if a man I was dating was rude or mean–I cut it off immediately–no chances for another date. This led me to go on many first dates. I had all but given up until I found someone on OKCupid that has not only met my standards, but surpassed them in ways I never thought possible. I am so happy that I kept putting myself out there and eventually found him. My dad even likes him :)

    I think that what we need to do to save our daughters from misery is to keep reminding them that they are worth EVERYTHING. They don’t need to settle. The man doesn’t have to be a cardiologist, but has to be respectful and treat her nicely.

  27. Jojo says

    I also meet a lot of women who was raised by their father after their parents divorced. Their father work, cook, clean, fixes everything, attentive etc….they simply raise a princess. The dilemma, their expectations of men were so high, not a lot of guys can reach the standard.

    • says

      I chose to live with my father and am the polar opposite of what you have experienced. Now that I am an adult, I fix things around the house, cook, clean, paint, decorate, pay bills…literally do all that it takes to run the household. And while I do not know (or care to) know how to perform car maintenance, it was me who told my beau a full month ahead of time that the transmission on his truck was going to be dead soon. Not all ladies raised by their fathers are princesses. But, I am a competitive figure skater and like to think I’m well balanced in comparison to those princesses you’ve met :)

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