Growing up, my dad would grab a quick breakfast with us before vanishing into the workforce. He'd resurface after 6pm, visibly depleted. The highlight reel of my childhood memories: throwing a ball around the backyard, some genuinely fantastic family dinners, and the times he watched me lose tennis matches and delivered his verdict — “you're just not good enough.” Ouch.
There's this eternal tug-of-war dads face between time and money. And I'll make a controversial claim: dad guilt is actually worse than mom guilt. Stay-at-home moms don't lie awake wondering if their kids are being neglected, because they're right there, not neglecting them.
Working moms, however, carry a heavier burden of guilt, given that nothing in human experience quite matches literally creating life. But I'm a dad, so I'll just write from my perspective.
Before we go further, let's establish which kind of dad you are. Because this post is not for everyone equally.
Type 1: The Dad Who Has To Work
You know who you are. The mortgage isn't optional. The kids' school isn't free. You're on a plane again not because you love airport food but because someone has to keep the whole operation funded. You miss bedtimes and school plays and feel genuinely terrible about it.
This section is for you, and the news is good.
Type 2: The Dad Who Wants Everyone To Know How Fab He Is
You also know who you are. You just got back from two months away on a “big project” while your wife or partner ran the household, attended every soccer game, handled every fever at 2am, and quietly held everything together. You came home with a carry-on full of airport chocolates and some extremely strong opinions about your sacrifice.
Or maybe it wasn't work at all. Maybe it was a month in some exotic location you'd been posting about since the trip was booked. Or a weekend driving exotic cars with your celebrity podcast friends.
Whenever there's a school event, or really any room with other adults in it, you arrive with a fresh highlight reel ready to go. The racing. The trips. The deals. The big portfolio gains. Nobody asked, but here we are ten minutes in and you're still going about how great your life is while your children become more distant.
Your LinkedIn says “Founder,” or “Senior VP,” or “Managing Director,” or, most entertainingly, “FIRE Dad.” Your dinner party conversation is a greatest hits album of personal achievement, not the uncomfortable email sitting in your inbox from your son's teacher about his poor behavior in class.
This section is also for you.
Dads Are Doing Twice The Childcare Their Fathers Did
Now let's look at some charts that show how dads today actually compare to the previous generation. The data comes from an article by Aziz Sunderji and Derek Thompson, two dads who did the research. It's always nice to see more dads support dads, as there is a dearth of support compared to the support I see for moms.
For wives or partners out there rolling their eyes because their husbands clearly still aren’t doing enough, at least progress is being made.
Here's something genuinely encouraging, mostly for Type 1: dads today are doing 2X the childcare of the previous generation. Where is this time coming from? Less TV, fewer books, and the real miracle – 82 fewer minutes of actual office work per day.
COVID delivered one gift that keeps giving: the work-from-home era, where “working from home” is a phrase used with tremendous creative freedom. For three years I played midday pickleball with fully employed adults who were, technically, on the clock.
The chart shows 38 more minutes of working from home, which leaves a suspicious 44-minute daily gap of not working. That time appears to be going toward the kids.
Dads are also doing 29 more minutes of housework per day. Slow clap.
For Type 2, this data is less flattering. Because if the average working dad is finding 44 extra minutes for his kids while also, you know, actually being home, then two months in Vietnam “disrupting the supply chain” is a choice, not a necessity. Own it or change it, but don't instagram it.
Dads Actually Enjoy Childcare More Than Watching TV
Dads rank childcare above television and hanging out on the enjoyment scale. Of course they do.
Watching your kid roll over for the first time. Letting go of the bike seat and watching them just keep going. These are not things you trade for a Netflix queue or a networking dinner. Introducing a child to something new and watching it click is more satisfying than any promotion or bonus. But here's the catch: you have to actually be there to feel it.
Type 1 dads get this instinctively, even when work won't let them act on it.
Type 2 dads have theoretically heard of this phenomenon. Some have even mentioned it in a toast at a friend's wedding. The actual experience, however, requires presence – the physical, unglamorous, repetitive, deeply ordinary kind that doesn't make for a great story at Davos.
Big Props To Moms For Doing The Harder Childcare
This chart spoke to me because it's accurate. Moms are still handling the doctor's appointments, the homework battles, the invisible logistics that hold a childhood together. After age two, I began hating taking my kids to the doctor's office, so I stopped going in.
To not feel like an absentee father, my personal contribution to pediatric healthcare is concierge transportation. I drive, I drop off, I find parking, I wait outside for hours like a very attentive driver, sometimes with snacks. Is it the same as being in the room? No, but it helps alleviate my guilt.
Dads have quietly mastered the fun childcare. Three hours at the pool or the tennis court is far easier than two hours in a waiting room keeping a restless kid occupied. That's the real labor, and moms are still absorbing most of it. This was my biggest blindspot during my eight years of being a stay at home dad. The time spent is not the same.
Type 1 dads: this is the area to improve. Block the calendar. Do the homework sessions. Sit in the waiting room. It's not pickleball but it's the job.
Type 2 dads: your wife / partner has been doing all of this, plus your share, for months. The airport chocolates were a nice thought, but obviously not good enough.
Dad Guilt, Dismissed (For Those Who Earned The Dismissal)
If you are genuinely grinding to keep your family afloat, the guilt you feel is real but the verdict is undeserved. You are doing what's necessary to provide and the data shows you are doing more of it than your own father did. Hold your head up. Being a financial provider and doing more childcare is a double win!
If you are working well beyond necessity, and you are missing your kids' lives not because you have to but because it feeds something else — the status, the prestige, the identity, the feeling of being important somewhere — then the guilt is not a bug. It's a feature. It's correct information. Listen to it.
The time with your kids is not a renewable resource. Work the passion before they wake up, after they sleep, while they're in school. The hours in between are not yours to monetize.
And if your wife or partner is telling you that you're not doing enough, before you forward them the data to win the argument, ask yourself which type of dad you actually are. The data defends Type 1. It does not cover Type 2.
Alright, Type 1 dads. Puff out the chest and lift your head up high. You've earned it. Give yourself a trophy with a cookie in it.
Type 2 — the door's open. Come on in. Your kids are still here.
Dear dads, do you feel proud seeing the data that shows you’re doing more childcare than the previous generation? Or do you still feel the pressure to both provide financially and be more present at home? How has your wife or partner helped ease that pressure?
Recommendation For All Dads
If you're the dad who shows up — at the doctor's office, the bike ride, the waiting room with snacks — then you already know what's at stake. Make sure your family is protected even in the worst case scenario with an affordable life insurance policy.
Policygenius lets you compare term life insurance policies from top insurers in minutes, at rates that won't require a second job. Because the most responsible thing a present parent can do is plan for their absence.
My wife and I got matching 20-year term life insurance policies through Policygenius after years of searching. Our one regret is not locking in 30-year policies right before the kids arrived, when we were younger and the rates would have been kinder. But we can breathe easier now knowing our kiddos will be provided for, no matter what.
