Growing up, my dad would grab a quick breakfast with us before vanishing into the workforce. He'd resurface after 6pm, visibly depleted. The highlight reel of my childhood memories: throwing a ball around the backyard, some genuinely fantastic family dinners out, and the times he watched me lose tennis matches and declare, “you're just not good enough.” Ouch.
There's this eternal tug-of-war dads face between time and money. And I'll make a controversial claim: dad guilt is actually worse than mom guilt. Stay-at-home moms don't lie awake wondering if their kids are being neglected, because they're right there, not neglecting them.
Working moms, however, likely carry a heavier burden of guilt, given that nothing in human experience quite matches literally creating life. But I'm a dad, so I'll just write from my perspective.
Before we go further, let's establish which kind of dad you are. Because this post is not for everyone equally.
Type 1: The Dad Who Has To Work
You know who you are. The mortgage isn't optional. The kids' school isn't free. You're on a plane again not because you love airport food but because someone has to keep the whole operation funded. You miss bedtimes and school plays and feel genuinely terrible about it.
This section is for you, and the news is good.
Type 2: The Dad Who Craves Money, Status, and Prestige
You also know who you are. You just got back from two months away on a “big project” while your wife or partner ran the household, attended every soccer game, handled every fever at 2am, and quietly held everything together. You came home with a carry-on full of airport chocolates and some extremely strong opinions about your sacrifice.
Or maybe it wasn't work at all. Maybe it was a boondoggle in some exotic location you'd been posting about since the trip was booked. Or a weekend driving exotic cars with your friends while your kids waited the entire week to spend time with you.
Whenever there's a school event, or really any room with other adults in it, you arrive with a fresh highlight reel ready to go. The racing. The trips. The deals. The big portfolio gains. Nobody asked, but here we are ten minutes in and you're still going about how great your life is while your children become more distant.
Your LinkedIn says “Founder,” or “Senior VP,” or “Managing Director,” or, most entertainingly, “FIRE Dad.” Your dinner party conversation is a greatest hits album of personal achievement, not the uncomfortable email sitting in your inbox from your son's teacher about his poor behavior in class.
This section is also for you, but not in a positive way.
Dads Are Doing Twice The Childcare Their Fathers Did
Now let's look at some charts that show how dads today actually compare to the previous generation. The data comes from an article by Aziz Sunderji and Derek Thompson, two dads who did the research.
For wives or partners out there rolling their eyes because their husbands still aren’t doing enough, at least progress is being made.
Here's something genuinely encouraging, mostly for Type 1: dads today are doing 2X the childcare of the previous generation. Where is this time coming from? Less TV, fewer books, and the real miracle – 82 fewer minutes of actual office work per day.
COVID delivered one gift that keeps giving: the work-from-home era, where “working from home” is a phrase used with tremendous creative freedom. For three years I played midday pickleball with fully employed adults who were, technically, on the clock.
The chart shows 38 more minutes of working from home, which leaves a suspicious 44-minute daily gap of not working. Some of that time appears to be going toward the kids.
Dads are also doing 29 more minutes of housework per day. Slow clap.
For Type 2, this data is less flattering. Because if the average working dad is finding 44 extra minutes for his kids while also, you know, actually being home, then two months in Vietnam “disrupting the supply chain” is a choice, not a necessity. Own it or change it, but don't instagram it.
Dads Actually Enjoy Childcare More Than Watching TV
Dads rank childcare above television and hanging out on the enjoyment scale. Of course they do.
Watching your kid roll over for the first time. Letting go of the bike seat and watching them just keep going. These are not things you trade for a Netflix binge or a networking dinner. Introducing a child to something new and watching it click is more satisfying than any promotion or bonus. But here's the catch: you have to actually be there to feel it.
Type 1 dads get this instinctively, even when work won't let them act on it.
Type 2 dads have theoretically heard of this phenomenon. Some have even mentioned it in a toast at a friend's wedding. The actual experience, however, requires presence – the physical, unglamorous, repetitive, deeply ordinary kind that doesn't make for a great story at Davos.
Big Props To Moms For Doing The Harder Childcare
This chart spoke to me because it's accurate. Moms are still handling the doctor's appointments, the homework battles, the invisible logistics that hold a childhood together. After age one, I began hating taking my kids to the doctor's office, so I stopped going in.
To not feel like an absentee father, my personal contribution to pediatric healthcare is concierge transportation. I drive, I drop off, I find parking, I wait outside for hours like a very attentive driver, sometimes with snacks. Is it the same as being in the room? No, but it helps alleviate my guilt.
Dads have quietly mastered the fun childcare. Three hours at the pool or the tennis court is far easier than two hours in a waiting room keeping a restless kid occupied. That's the real labor, and moms are still absorbing most of it. This was my biggest blindspot during my eight years of being a stay at home dad. The time spent is not the same.
Type 1 dads: this is the area to improve. Block the calendar. Do the homework sessions. Sit in the waiting room. It's not pickleball but it's the job.
Type 2 dads: your wife / partner has been doing all of this, plus your share, for months. The airport chocolates were a nice thought, but obviously not good enough.
Dad Guilt, Dismissed (For Those Who Earned The Dismissal)
If you are genuinely grinding to keep your family afloat, the guilt you feel about not spending more time with your kids is real but the verdict is undeserved. You are doing what's necessary to provide and the data shows you are doing more of it than your own father did. Hold your head up. Being a financial provider and doing more childcare is a double win!
If you are working well beyond necessity, and you are missing your kids' lives not because you have to but because it feeds something else — the status, the prestige, the identity, the feeling of being important somewhere — then the guilt is not a bug. It's a feature. It's correct information. Listen to it.
The time with your kids is not a renewable resource. Work the passion before they wake up, after they sleep, while they're in school. The hours in between are not yours to monetize.
And if your wife or partner is telling you that you're not doing enough, before you forward them the data to win the argument, ask yourself which type of dad you actually are. The data defends Type 1. It does not cover Type 2.
Alright, Type 1 dads. Puff out the chest and lift your head up high. You've earned it. Give yourself a trophy with a cookie in it.
Type 2 — the door's open. Come on in. Your kids are still here.
Dear dads, do you feel proud seeing the data that shows you’re doing more childcare than the previous generation? Or do you still feel the pressure to both provide financially and be more present at home? How has your wife or partner helped ease that pressure?
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Seeing that dads are doing twice the childcare of the previous generation is a huge win. It shows that the post-COVID work-from-home flexibility is finally being used where it matters most at home.
I understand that some dads want less involvement at home, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to equate earning money with doing their share. Financial contribution matters, but it doesn’t replace being present or engaged with your kids. Treating income as a substitute for involvement reduces parenting to a transaction rather than a relationship.
To me, the bigger issue isn’t just fairness—it’s motivation. A father shouldn’t only participate out of obligation or because it’s “his turn.” He should genuinely want to spend time with his kids and be part of their day-to-day lives. When that desire is there, the division of labor tends to work itself out more naturally.
If that desire isn’t there, it’s not really a logistics problem you can solve with better systems or clearer expectations. It usually points to something deeper—burnout, disengagement, different values, or even discomfort with the role itself. And that’s a much harder thing to address than who does what around the house.
What about the financial pressure a dead faces if he is the only one earning income though? After a 10 hour day at work, and 50 hours a week from Monday through Friday, it is easy to get burned out and not be as present or as involved with childcare.
I went to a conference last Tuesday and was wiped out by 5 PM. My energy to be the normal energetic, fun, loving dad to my children after picking them up was certainly depleted. If I had to go through that five days a week, man, I can totally see that taking them out for 5-6 hours on Saturday and Sunday would be truly hard.
It is true that I’m married to a unicorn. He goes into the office 5 days a week and then comes home- makes supper if I haven’t – does houseworks and plays with the kids. He gives his all to our kids on weekends too. If I’m working 12h shifts, he takes care of the kids including taking them to hockey, and soccer, and birthday parties and whatever other plans are going on. And we are talking about 3 little kids. He also always looks good.
We are in position to FIRE and sometimes it does feel like it’s all too much or we should outsource, but then we recall why we decided to go back to work.
I guess that’s why I’m gently pushing back at the narrative- and I wish to highlight the point in my earlier post that even if the husband is a primary financial contributor, if he truly committed otherwise the natural division of labour is implicit.
Sam, as always, very much appreciate your article. This is THE question for type 1’s. Whilst covid was a terrible time for many, for those with young kids it was a rare moment to bond with so much time together. Now as getting back to the office increases, expectations of performance are very high, kids getting older with their increasingly busy school and activity demands, this whole magical time is just passing by. Often I find myself reminiscing on those days. Very often. The diametrically opposed opposites can tear you apart. Every second not with kids, is painful, missing key events. Every moment away from the office, leaves a void to be filled with issues that need to be resolved at a later date. I’m sure the illusive balance is in there somewhere. Ultimately it seems people make up their minds either scaling back work commitments, or lean into their jobs and enjoy the ride. Either way, there are regrets at the end. In many ways, I wish it was as simple as just go all in at a at work with no regrets. But it isn’t. For me, I try to get home one evening early for pick up and fun activity. 2 morning drop offs which i know the kids remember. Then we spend all weekend together. I wish it was more and hence the constant reassessment if this is the right path. I’m sure people have got it figures out better than me!
Every parent is constantly trying to figure things out and do the best they can with the situation they are in, including myself.
It’s that internal emotion of satisfaction or guilt that acts as our guiding light to adjust our actions. But it also helps to be aware of what other parents do to get a reality check.
As I talked to more dads, and how little they do. I wonder dad told me I shouldn’t have shared the results in the grade wide chat. He said he was already getting enough grief from mom’s, I’m assuming his wife, for not doing enough. So I just told him to start taking his son to school and picking him up from now on, which he never does. And his response was, “that’s what we hire Help for.”
It’s pretty amazing! Do more and get less grief. So simple but so hard to do.
Everyone’s different I guess. But for me, the fact that you have been able to buy more time with your kids and your health is amazing and by far the more admirable goal. That is the purpose for buying the index funds and investing in the real estate at the timings you have suggested all the years (huge thank you btw!). If people have no interest in buying more time and freedom, then I can see why they wouldn’t have much interest in investing, just keep working until your final day! The thought of waking up at 60 and realizing you missed your kids growing up just fills me with gut renching dread. Recently I stepped up the hours at work and its so hard to not see the little guys as much as before. It does feel like an all or nothing choice, retire early or keep on the grind. There has to be a middle ground somewhere I guess!? Still searching…
Dude, we had our first kid in 1984 and our last in 1994. 4 kids and a mom who decided she did not want to work for Corp America left me with one choice – climb the ladder and meet the demands of my spouse and kids. My kids loved the business trips we went on together, the cruises we did from the money that I earned, and also loved the fact that they could skip out on chores since Dad was in EMEA for a week. I taught my kids the basics of home mgmt and how to use tools and avoid paying huge bills for plumbing, add-on work, and basic electrical. Every one of them – including my token female daughter- can repair their homes, pull and replace a toilet or sink, and replace a switch.
They were taught electrical with a 110V circuit ON. ADHD erases when the result of not paying attention gets you zapped. Oh, the token female was what we guys called Jess until she turned 13 and went crazy on us and demanded equal rights…She could beat up all her brothers and did.
Yes,, I was a shitty dad because I wanted my kids to have more and wanted them to know, from my example, that if you are willing to work hard it pays off. They are now all happy and well into 6-figure incomes with solid savings and investments from our effort as parents, and never working at our house for free.
Operational chores were required. Then all other tasks we needed done were put out for bid. The cheapest solution offered won the deal and could subcontract with bros and sis for help.
Parents today are too soft, and many of their 9-year-olds are too. Kids do not even know the difference between a Phillips head screw driver and a T-25 bit.
Heck, most of the parents have no idea. All of my kids knew all screw and bit types by age 9. Can your 10yr old go grab you a 4MM socket and a 1/2 inch open end wrench?
Thanks for sharing your situation. Sounds like a win!
“ 4 kids and a mom who decided she did not want to work for Corp America left me with one choice – climb the ladder and meet the demands of my spouse and kids.”
If there is no other choice, there is only one way right? But did you ever feel resentment for having the entire financial responsibility placed on your shoulders? Or is that what men just had to do when you were parenting? And did you have to wrestle with any guilt being away from them? Is there anything you could’ve done better as a father, if you could rewind time to when they were born?
I am learning that a lot of fathers do not feel guilty being away from their children for weeks and months at a time, which enables them to be away from their family for weeks and months at a time. So it’s something that I’m learning to adopt as well to get more balance.
Yes, they know the difference between flathead and philips screwdrivers. I take them to fix up the rental properties every time there is turnover. But I do worry about raising soft kids, that’s for sure.
https://www.financialsamurai.com/rental-property-maintenance-with-your-kids-solves-two-problems/
Those points aren’t wrong, but I think the framing is too simplistic. While its definitely important to be intentional about how Type 2 dads spend their incremental time, I don’t think all the extra time beyond having enough is bad. Don’t spend those finite years of your kids’ youth chasing highlight reels to brag about, but at the same time there’s a level of “selfishness” that’s important for your own self identity as well as setting an example for your kids. You want your kids to live their best life? Then you should also live yours (which sometimes includes a level of achievement and success). Giving up everything for your kids creates an unbalanced level of pressure that’s also unhealthy (for them and you).
I definitely don’t think giving up everything is the right call. There is a balance involved.
I live in hyper competitive San Francisco. A lot of dads can’t help but share their fabulous achievements when you meet them. Not a lot of chill time, compared to boast time.
One dad told me he spends about four months away from his wife and son, doing leisure things with his buddies. I am impressed, but also surprised he wouldn’t miss his family. I’m also impressed his wife lets him go for that long.
Very interesting article and I’m a huge fan of this site. One point (as a type 2) dad is that we provide more than ‘chocolates’…. Private ski lessons aren’t cheap. Nor are Prada dresses! But more seriously, the article ignores that we live in a capitalist society, and if you can provide a great start for your kids and the support what they need financially, this ought to be factored in alongside emotional support. If you are doing a hard job you enjoy and earning a lot of money for your family, investing in best in class core skills and global experiences for your kids, it’s almost irresponsible to be sitting at home and excessive amount of time. Would you rather be washing the dishes, or outsource this for $20 and hour and use that time to generate multiples of this for your family? Maybe the cleaner and the quality time safari holiday is a better combination? Why the fetishism of minutes spent doing housework? Maybe there is an assumption that if the husband is doing it the wife must be, but this isn’t always the case. 50/50 is great, I agree, but you didn’t mention the mortgage! Being a present father is obviously key, but as Madonna observed, we are living in a material world, as this Type 2 dad is proud to put the whole family in pole position. Just an opinion.
It’s a great opinion and I appreciate it!
And yet, when I shared the findings in a parent group, so many of the moms rolled their eyes or made fun of the data. It is a fascinating social experiment and I’d love to hear what your wife and her working mom friends think.
With the rise of dual income households, the childcare and housework still falls, predominantly on the women. So this is where the disgruntlement comes from – to feel like you constantly have to work to provide to pay for expensive housing and tuition, and all that stuff, while still having to do more of the childcare work is aware of the tension grows immensely.
Does your wife or partner have a full-time job?
It would be surprising if stay at home mom was constantly annoyed and disgruntled by their husband who works 60 hours a week and provides for their lifestyle, especially once the children go to school full-time. But believe it or not, it does happen all the time! And that’s the beauty and messiness of marriage and parenthood.
Even if a father does so much in terms of their day job and also childcare, it still is often not enough.
Thank you for the reply. Wifey has a very chill non-profit work from home four days a week job. After tax, it pays for about 2/3 of the full time nanny. She works because she enjoys it and (like most of her friends, many who have zero job and 1-2 nannies) she finds full time parenting rather dull.
I worked from the age of 21 to 43 at one of the large bulge bracket banks in London/Manhattan. I got increasingly fed up with it and got ‘laid off’ as part of a large cost cut : telling my boss he was an idiot probably didn’t help! When working I was home quite a lot (it was investing not banking) then when I was ‘between jobs’ for six months I was home all the time. I was pretty miserable and probably not a great dad. Then two years ago I started a very intense gig at a hedge fund, with a lot of travel. I’m at home less, I’m very challenged, a lot happier, and I’m focused on quality time with the kids. I understand that I’m lucky to have this choice. I guess wifey and I both choose to have a job and have an optimal amount of time parenting, which isn’t 100% of the time. The only person that probably has any right to be annoyed is the nanny, but she isn’t because we compensate her fairly. We are grateful for her, and she is grateful for us.
I guess in summary I’m not sure time equals quality (in parenting or dishwashing). There are a lot of people in different circumstances and there are probably a billion types of dad, not just two. But I would say, if anybody who goes to Davos has a wife at home doing the dishes I’d be quite surprised!
i think the real answer might be that being away from your kids for a premium economy compensation package in a ‘grind’ job isn’t worth it. Go big and interesting or stay home. Additionally a happy dad is a good dad (in my sample size of one). Best to radiate joy most of the time than be dull company a lot of the time. The irony of all the ‘FIRE’ stuff for me was that once I had enough money to be financially comfortable not working, I discovered that (for me) there was no intellectual/emotional comfort in not working. Maybe that’s just my Type 2 dad side, but everybody is different.
I do think this is an uncertain world and giving your kids economic security is important. Will your kids remember you being at the school run? Maybe. Will they remember their inheritance that enabled them to buy a house or start a business or deal with a medical issue of their partner? I’d hope so. I think at the least we can agree that giving kids emotional support (with time) and financial support (within this capitalist construct) are both very important. Additionally I think it’s good for my son (and daughter) to see a man that’s growing and working hard, versus one that electively staying at home and doing the dishes. In truth, I think my wife might like that guy more as well.
I’ve loved your posts for many years. Thanks for all the thought provoking articles which I always enjoy. Much love.
re: Will your kids remember you being at the school run? Maybe.
My husband was in Little League baseball for many, many, MANY years growing up. In all that time, he does not remember his Dad going to a single game. Not one. Now, I don’t know their game schedule, and hubby certainly doesn’t remember, but I’m sure there must have been at least one game in all that time over all those years that his Dad could have attended. Very sad.
re: Will they remember their inheritance that enabled them to buy a house or start a business or deal with a medical issue of their partner? I’d hope so.
A monetary inheritance from my husband’s Dad? What inheritance? The only inheritance hubby obtained was his Dad’s old Timex watch. Hubby’s Mom even asked him, “Why do you want that? It’s not worth anything.” Ummm … cuz it was Dad’s watch that he wore every day and I want something to remember him by … since I certainly don’t have any memories of him attending any of my Little League baseball games.
Sounds like a great gig! You may enjoy this post: The Creation Of Trust Fund Jobs.
https://www.financialsamurai.com/trust-fund-job/
I think at the end of the day, if your children are happy and parents don’t feel guilty about their current arrangement, but I actually feel good about their efforts, that’s all that matters!
To each family their own ways.
I think a lot of dads feel this tension but don’t talk about it much. Providing for your family is a real way of showing care, even if it doesn’t always look like being there all the time.
Finding the right balance depends a lot on individual circumstances, priorities, and what each family values most. Thanks for sharing the data points and perspectives.
Very interesting article. I wonder if mums are just more suited to childcare, especially the hard bits. Most nurseries and primary schools up to a certain age are almost exclusively staffed by women. There must be a reason for that surely? I think Mums handle kids illnesses etc better than dads also. Not really sure of the reason why.
It is not that men don’t care – perhaps they care/ worry too much?!
Maybe probably. If I were to grow something in my body for nine months and burn them, I would feel like I would have an even more intense responsibility to care for the child. That seems completely rational and normal biologically.