Seeking approval is what so many of us want from our parents. Unfortunately, I never got much approval from my father growing up. Instead of being encouraging, he was often critical. Even to this day as a 44-year-old adult, he is a critical father of my work.
Due to the criticism my father constantly gives me, I’ve decided to be much less critical with my two young children. Instead of criticizing, I will be support. I’ll show them what’s wrong and how to get better. That’s what a father should do.
Seeking Approval From A Critical Father As A Teenager
My father would always tell me, “You’re just not good enough,” every time I would lose a tennis match in high school. He eventually made me want to stop practicing so hard to see if I could make it to the next level because I was afraid of his disapproval. I asked him to stop coming to my matches, even though I went 10-1 senior year because I was worried he’d show up for that one loss. Losing is already a painful feeling. To then have your father be disappointed with you is terrible.
I remember coming home one day all proud of my 92% math final score. Instead of congratulating me he asked what happened to the other 8%. I stayed up all night for weeks studying because I’m pretty bad at higher level math.
I still don’t know the purpose of Calculus in every day life. All I wanted was a high-five for my efforts. Once again I disappointed my father, but this time I didn’t fade. I tried harder in school because I wanted to prove to him and to myself I wasn’t a failure. I needed options.
But I realize no matter what I do, I will never live up to my father’s amorphous expectations. He never told me what occupation to follow or how much money to make or what type of person to marry. He let me figure things out for myself, which is something I do appreciate. Unfortunately, I don’t understand exactly what he wants out of me and that’s frustrating. Best I go ask.
A Compliment And Then A Criticism
He recently shot me an e-mail telling me, “Congrats on trying a new site design. Should be awesome once kinks are worked out.” The problem is, I just stayed up from midnight until 4 am working out all the kinks. I was exhausted.
I decided to redesign Financial Samurai to make it brighter and more professional looking. Readership via tablets and phones is going up, so I wanted a “responsive” site that adjusts to the size of the screen for better readability. I figure why not do an update since it’s been almost five years. My only issue is how the site looks on a mobile phone. I like the old look better but so far there’s no way to have both.
Change is hard for people to accept, especially the older we get. I was excited to get my father’s out of the blue e-mail, but upon re-reading his words now I should have known what was coming. Because he enlarged his font size to massive on his screen, the right side column of my site disappears and he doesn’t like the layout as a result. Once he went back to regular font size, things appeared normal. Not good enough though.
Here Comes The Criticism
Then he said FINANCIAL SAMURAI in the header looks “counterfeit” and therefore unprofessional due to all the “white scratches,” even though this is the same font I’ve been using since 2009. The reason why I kept this font is because it reminds me of battle tested armor. Building wealth over the long run is not easy as the financial crisis has shown. Temptation to splurge also gets heightened the more you have.
We talked for 28 minutes about all the things he was dissatisfied with about the redesign until I couldn’t take it anymore. He did begin to soften towards the end as he said, “I better go. I think I’ve said too much.”
I was once again so sad that he was so critical and utterly disappointed with my efforts because I try very hard when it comes to my work. It’s difficult to please everyone all the time, but my father is someone I would like to one day please if no longer for my tennis and academics, then for my career and entrepreneurial endeavors.
I didn’t understand why he had to be such a critical father. I was doing well on my own. I took a leap of faith after 13 years in banking to do my own thing. Financial Samurai was growing. Why to try and support m?
Parents, Please Encourage Your Children
If you are a critical father reading this, please send your kids some words of encouragement sometimes. Be proud of your children. Wrap your suggestions for improvement in a blanket of kindness. Think back to the time when you struggled to make something successful on your own. Your kids will appreciate everything you say and work that much harder to make you proud.
As for me, don’t worry. I’ll get over the hurt as I already have by writing this post. Writing is cathartic for the soul if you have some torment.
I’ll experiment with more font types for the header and keep doing my best so that one day he might say, “Good job son,” and mean it. I’m not sure why he can’t just say nice things, but on the positive side, if it wasn’t for my father being so critical I don’t think I would have tried as hard.
I Don’t Want To Be A Critical Father To My Kids
When I originally wrote this post back on January 4, 2014, I wasn’t a father. But I started wanting to be. Now I have a son and a daughter whom I love so very dearly.
I promise I will ALWAYS be encouraging. I will do my best to keep criticism to a minimum. And if I do criticize, it I will follow it up with a compliment.
A critical father makes kids fearful of screwing up. A critical father also causes kids to not try new things. I always want my son and daughter to try anything they want. If they fail, who cares? Not trying is actually the biggest disappointment.
Related posts:
Man Up Dads! Time To Be Better Fathers
Career Or Family? 5 Years Is The Most Career Sacrifice You Need
The Average Amount Of Time Spent With Children
Nature vs. Nurture: How Important Are Parents To Our Success?
The Importance Of Being Consistently Uncomfortable For Progress
Readers, do you have a critical father who never seems to be satisfied with your accomplishments? What are some of the things they’ve said or done that hurt? What did you do about the situation? Why do you think parents are so critical of their kids even though they know they work hard and know their words are painful? Do you think it’s more of an issue with something happening to the critical parent than yourself?
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I get this. I am so tired of being afraid of messing up all the time because as soon as I do my Dad lords it over me. When I was growing up he was always pointing out little things like leaving pens on the floor, towels folded the wrong way etc. as a teenager I became incredibly stressed out over remembering all these little nuances that needed to be kept immaculate. My Mum and I used to tidy up together and remind each-other of things so that we wouldn’t have to see each-other get into trouble.
Now that I’m older it’s even worse because Dad expects me to know things that I can’t seem to grasp or remember. He gets especially angry if he comes home and finds the windows open or closed depending on the weather. Mum and I try to remember and remind each-other but it’s not easy to remember everything. The worst thing lately, is that Dad’s taken to accusing me of things that I haven’t even done, which is so much worse than anything I’ve ever had from him. I am apparently the culprit of messing up the laundry and loosing his tools, which, I am actually a tidy person by nature, so I would never mess up and lose (on purpose) my own things let alone someone elses.
Just wanted to let you know, you definitely aren’t alone. My father is the same way with the little picky things. Putting a dish in the dishwasher in the right location or taking a quick enough shower or keeping the curtains closed are all some of the things that make my dad angry if they are not done properly by me or my mom. It is so frustrating. I just was accepted to a college and into their honor program and there was no congratulations or acknowledgement of how hard it is to get into those kind of things from him. A head nod was all I got. It’s hard but we both need to stop looking to our father for approval. You aren’t a disappointment and neither am I. Even when our dads make us feel like we can never do anything right. I’ll be praying for you and I hope things get better:)
My parents were born in 1936. My father had a difficult relationship with his father. My father was emotionally unavailable. He was hypercritical, a perfectionist, and practiced tough love. My father was a good provider, but my mother was cheap. I received only praise from people not in my family. My father once asked me why I was so negative.
I’m a perfectionist. I know I have qualities that I learned from my father. I try not to treat people the way I was treated. My oldest sister has a Ph.D. Meanwhile at 50, I never finished college, I have no friends or relationships, and I can’t keep a job.
I’m not looking for pity—this is cathartic. Please remember what can happen to people who are emotionally abused. Years of therapy has not undone the damage.
I’m facing the same thing, but at 30. No matter how much I work on all that lovely baggage, I still have my father and mother whispering in my ear that I’m not worth anything. It is rediculously hard to fix child abuse and neglect.
Keep at it. We have to be able to beat this some day.
Really good article! I seem to have had several conversations about this very topic as of late. It is interesting, my father and step-father were both very critical and I did end up becoming an “over-achiever” which I think was attributed to me wanting their acceptance. Yes, I am happy for the “tough love” that helped me be successful, but the question: what is success? Trying to get someone’s approval your whole life is an exhausting endeavor, and we as a society attribute success with money, power, and maybe the white picket fence, 2 kids, and two car garage. But, we all know this success does not guarantee happiness, which should be our ultimate gauge of true success. So, is it really all that “helpful” for fathers to be so critical? For us to become such over-achievers? I think, at the end of the day, it wouldn’t hurt parents to be tough, encourage their children, but man, give them a high five every now and then. At age 40, I have come to the realization that no matter what I do, my father may never feel happy with my accomplishments. And, the truth is that it is not my problem, but his. He has to struggle with his own feelings of inadequacy and learn to no longer project them on to me. Parents need to learn that their children do not define their own success in life either. If we can all take a deep breath, love a little more and accept a little more, maybe we will not all have six figure salaries, but we will may live much healthier, happier lives. That, in the end, is a real measure of success anyway. P.S.–being a webmaster myself, your site looks great!
Hello Sam! I’m Priscila, from Brazil. You need to read “The Middle Passage” from James Hollis. After that you can also read “Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men.” from the same writer. These books will really help you. Not solve the problem, but to understand it in a way you never imagined before.
I feel your pain! But would have to say you lead by example. Your words are very inspiring and thought-provoking, and provide strength to everyone that looks up to you. Thanks so much!
Thanks for your comment and support. Hope your situation gets better over time too.
Hi, I have a father who appears uninterested in my life and perhaps it’s just that our values are different. Parents encouraging focus, hard work and discipline should go hand and hand with displaying love, support and approval. Sadly it appears they are often mutually exclusive. I am now 53 and still deep down crave the interest and approval of my father for the small achievements I have made in my life. Sadly I know this will never be forthcoming. It’s just the way it is. I am slowly learning that maybe we can’t get to tick all the important boxes in life and it is important to come to terms with this rather than necessarily looking for a resolution. Not easy if you’re still wrapped up emotionally which I guess I still am. Just my take on it all for what it’s worth.
Well done for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Nigel. I empathize and understand. I’d keep trying to have that heart-to-heart conversation with him and see if you can chip away. Good luck and thanks for stopping by my site.
I just read alot of your website over the last two days. This is my first post.
I’m not sure what your Dad is dealing with. Maybe he thinks being hard on you is what he’s supposed to do. My Dad is kind of an awesome, always supporting wise genious type. I kind of lucked out.
What I wanted to say us that you are obviously a smart, accomplished, caring, awesome person. Any father would be proud of what you have a accomplished. That is just an objective fact. I know you want the most important man in your life to day that, but I don’t think he will. Doesn’t make you any less awesome.
Thanks B. Appreciate your thoughts. I think he wants what’s best too. He just has a difficult time communicating kindness.