It’s impossible to be a great parent and a great employee or entrepreneur at the same time. Should you pick career or family? Something has to give. I’m sure some of you are disagreeing since you’ve done a wonderful job doing both.
Unless you believe being a great parent includes being away from home for 12 hours a day while your little one gets ignored at a daycare facility, we’ve got different definitions.
And if you’re rich, hiring a nanny to take care of your kids while you pursue making even more money you don’t need doesn’t count as great parenting either. At least if you’re poor, you’ve got an excuse to go to work!
Before every parent reading this post gets too pissed off, let me acknowledge we don’t need to be great at both parenting and work. Being good is generally good enough. But if you want to try to be great at either your career or at parenting, then it’s often beneficial to go ALL-IN.
Time Is The One Constant For Parenting
This is not a post about how to be a great parent because unlike work, parenting is very subjective. There are no titles or pay increases, only endless care you must provide in hopes that your child enjoys their youth, learns new things, and grows up to be a good person.
I don’t have much credibility with regards to teaching others how to be good parents given my 3+ years of experience. So I won’t try. All I can hypothesize is that the more time we spend with our children, the higher likelihood that we may become better parents, all else being equal.
More Family Time Brings More Awareness
Spending more time with your child makes you keenly aware of your child’s unique needs. As a full-time parent, you end up morphing into a bunch of specialized roles.
For example, you basically become an all-in-one teacher, nurse, physical therapist, visual therapist, and occupational therapist. You want to ensure your baby is getting everything he or she needs.
A Parental Ranking System Based On Caregiving
Therefore, we can set up a loose parental ranking system based on time spent caregiving. This is for the good of your child (not yourself). Here’s a look at the parental ranking system from best to worst.
1) Both partners stay at home to raise their child, also with support from relatives.
2) Both partners stay at home to raise their child, while also having work from home work.
3) One partner stays at home and has help from a relative, nanny, fellow parent, or friend.
4) Both partners go to work, leaving their child with a close relative like a grandparent.
5) Both partners go to work, leaving the child with a child care provider.
6) Both partners have incredibly busy jobs that require constant travel for days or weeks at a time.
7) A single parent who has to work, and therefore leaves the child with a relative or daycare (bless y’all for being able to juggle everything)
8) A single parent who is never home and is strung out on drugs, alcohol, or any other type of destructive substance.
Try Your Best To Balance Career And Family
You can be a good parent in any of the above scenarios except for the last one. At the end of the day, you can only try your best and make the most of your current situation.
Remember, this logical parental ranking system isn’t to massage your ego. This ranking system is for your children, not for yourself. If you’re somehow mad at the ranking, then look within yourself in order to recognize your selfishness.
Prioritize Career Or Family?
Before I became a father, I already suspected I couldn’t become a great dad if I continued to work 60+ hours a week in banking. I spoke to plenty of colleagues who worked 60+ hours a week. They all lamented about never having seen their kids grow up.
Many parents, especially working mothers, also told me they felt a tremendous amount of guilt being at the office all day. When I asked why wouldn’t they just take a break from work, they always said they couldn’t quit the money.
It wasn’t just the people from banking who said this. The same refrain was echoed by the people I spoke with in private equity, venture capital, management consulting, and technology.
Despite the good pay, there are plenty of miserable folks. It’s unsettling to feel a constant tug between career or family. Guilt is mentally draining and can really weigh you down if left unchecked. It’s important not to overlook your mental health if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Career And Family Planning
I recognized my inability to simultaneously give my best to both work and fatherhood. As a result, when I was 33 years old I started to seriously plan for a career transition.
This was one year after I had started Financial Samurai. Even back then I could already see its potential to one day free me from corporate bondage.
The whole idea was to have something to do at home while my wife and I took care of our little one together. She would ultimately join me in early retirement. Since time spent with your baby/toddler is a key variable for being a good parent, having two stay at home parents seemed better than having just one.
The 2 – 5 Year Timeframe For Parenting
Dilemma: For years, I thought the best solution was to forsake my career and focus on being a good father. This is one of the reasons why I waited so long before deciding to have kids. I felt I needed to save way more money than I realized because I was never going back to work. I regret having waited so long.
Solution: What I now realize is that if you want to be a great parent, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. Instead, all you really have to do is give up at most five years of your career to make things happen.
Why Five Years At Most?
Age five is when most kids start going to kindergarten. Once they’re in kindergarten, you no longer have to spend all day with them. Given you now only have to drop them off and pick them up, you’re welcome to go back to the salt mines.
If you feel five years is too long of a period to be out of the workforce, you only have to give up your career for two years because age two is usually the earliest kids can attend preschool.
Preschool To The Rescue
A preschool day lasts between 3-9 hours, but it’s usually recommended not to leave your kid in pre-school for longer than six hours or else they’ll be too tired, too cranky, or too homesick.
The only hitch is that pre-school at age two is usually only two or three days a week. Most preschools are five days a week by age 4.
If you don’t have kids, you probably won’t be thinking about these timelines because you’ve got so many other things to think about. We were thinking about things like buying the right home, remodeling, getting a safer family car, life insurance, taking pre-natal vitamins, proper feeding, right size diapers, doctor visits, and more.
But if you know you’ll only have to be out of the workforce for 2-5 years maximum, you won’t have to save and invest as much. You’ll also be able to be more confident having kids earlier, which may make it easier on the mother’s body and safer for the well-being of both mother and baby.
If you exit the workforce for 2-5 years at a younger age, you’ll correspondingly be that much younger when you restart your career. After all, many people who stop work and go to graduate school for 1-2 years seem to have no problem finding work again.
Related: Have A Net Worth Goal Before Having Children: How About $1 Million
Balance For Everything
I know some of you are thinking I overanalyze things. Millions of people just wing it all the time and are fine. Well maybe not, since there are so many messed up kids and divorces.
But this article isn’t for me since I’m already a father who doesn’t plan to go back to work ever again. Let’s check back in 17 years to see whether I’m still as enthusiastic about being a permanent stay at home dad.
This article is for those of you who are considering when is the right time to have a kid, how will having kids disrupt your career, how much you need to work, save, and invest to ensure your family is taken care of, and for those who want to be the best parent possible.
I wish someone clearly explained to me the 2-5 year timeframe during my most gungho career days. I would have been much more serious about trying to start a family when I was 32, instead of trying at age 36-37.
Parenting Is Hard Work
Being a full-time parent rivals the toughest jobs in the world. You need a tremendous amount of patience, endurance, and calmness about you because there is no reasoning with a baby/toddler.
At any moment, she could injure herself or die. I would say in comparison, most jobs are a walk in the park compared to taking care of a baby/toddler. No wonder why so many parents can’t wait to get back to work after their parental leave is over!
Now that I’ve spent over three years as a stay at home dad, I can unequivocally tell you that it was the best time spent. I wouldn’t trade any amount of money to not have that time with my kids. They grow up so fast. Once that time is over, you can never get it back.
Related: Financial DEpendence Is The Worst: Why Each Spouse Should Have Their Own Money
Wealth Planning Recommendation
College tuition is now prohibitively expensive if your child doesn’t get any grants or scholarships. Therefore, it’s important to save and plan for your child’s future.
Check out Personal Capital’s new Planning feature, a free financial tool that allows you to run various financial scenarios to make sure your retirement and child’s college savings is on track. They use your real income and expenses to help ensure the scenarios are as realistic as possible.
Once you’re done inputting your planned saving and timeline, Personal Capital with run thousands of algorithms to suggest what’s the best financial path for you. You can then compare two financial scenarios (old one vs. new one) to get a clearer picture. Just link up your accounts.
There’s no rewind button in life. Therefore, it’s best to plan for your financial future as meticulously as possible. It’s better to end up with a little too much, than too little! I’ve been using their free tools since 2012 to analyze my investments and I’ve seen my net worth skyrocket since.
If You Want To Quit Your Job
I recommend everybody negotiate a severance if you want to leave a job you no longer enjoy. If you negotiate a severance, you can get a severance check, and potentially subsidized healthcare, deferred compensation, and worker training.
When you get laid off, you’re also eligible for roughly 26 weeks of unemployment benefits, sometimes longer. Having a financial runway is huge during a transition period.
Conversely, if you quit your job, you get nothing. Check out my book, How To Engineer Your Layoff: Make A Small Fortune By Saying Goodbye. It teaches you how to negotiate a severance. I first published the book in 2012 after I engineered my own severance. The book has since been expanded to over 180 pages in 2020 thanks to tremendous reader feedback and successful case studies.
This is a silly article based on personal opinion. I didn’t read past the point of your thoughts on what the best order is for parenting. I believe this is all depended on life situations and family’s and some children are obviously in a better spot when they aren’t home with 2 parents. Makes me wonder if you have kids even…. like what lesson would my kid learn if we both stayed home and no one had to work for anything .
Yes, life situations are different. I think most would agree that spending MORE time with you children is better than spending less. If this concept is silly to you, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
But to progress in thought, it’s worth thoroughly reading a different point of view. Otherwise, we’ll just end up stuck in our own echo chambers.
Related: Your First Money Memories Might Dictate The Rest Of Your Financial Future
I am really worried at the moment. I do not want to leave my nine months little boy at home and go to work. My husband is working full time and I have to get back to work for immigration purposes but I am really not ready. I am feeling sick and anxious.
I’m sorry that you are feeling this pressure. I arrived at this article feeling guilty about work/life balance for my 5 year old who began child care at 6 months. I can tell you that finding the right child care is a Godsend. The search will be difficult, but when you find the match it makes a world of difference. The author’s assessment of all child care being essentially neglectful is not accurate. Can you work part time, or set up a schedule that enables you to still enjoy quality time in the afternoons/evenings?
I was surprised to read that kids can join day care as early as 2 years old. I am going to look for a place to bring my daughter to child care. It would be beneficial to get this early education for her.
Thank you for all that you have written, as a mum who had a child at 17 and supporting my husband for him to finish his degree and working non stop, now at age 27 I got my long service leave and we just had another baby and we have decided we are in a financial position where I can be at home and share these moments you mention with my second daughter that I missed the first time. It feels strange not working but it’s so nice to have quality time with my girls and I have returned to university to finish my degree which will take 4 years so I’m glad I’ll be able to have this special time and totally agree, especially if we have another baby. The first five years are so important and time you can’t get back with your children, if you can take the break, humble yourself you don’t need all the best gadgets, cars etc quality time is worth so much more! I always have my first daughter say how happy she is that I’m finally able to drop her off and pick her up. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy sitting at home but then realise how awful I felt missing all those important milestones. Thank you for this honest and raw blurb I really enjoyed reading it and it has given me more reassurance of my decision to return to my studies and be a sahm right now.
I think as well as emotional support, financially supporting your children is extremely important. We have a 2 and 4 year old. We knew a woman who was a SAHM for years and then her husband passed away and she had an extremely rough time financially for a long time trying to support her children. That had always been my husband and my fear and as such we’ve both always held fulltime jobs. We’ve been on split shift for years as well as a year of fulltime grandparent support so neither child has ever been in daycare. I don’t ever judge how one chooses to parent a child and having one person stay away home isn’t always the best option. We have extremely robust 401ks, rental houses and savings accounts as well as owing our own house to help pad our lives if the unthinkable ever happened. We do it all for our kids to ensure they are well taken care of. My husband splits the care of our kids 50/50 so we both put in a lot of time with them during the weekday as well as our own family time on the weekends. This all goes to show that every family’s choices are their own and having one person stay at home is not always the best option for kids. I honestly think the one family income viewpoint is a very antiquated view of the family unit and not one a financial site should be pushing as the best way to raise children.
I only read a portion of this article and it made me feel sick. I think you should put a warning that this is a post for people who believe in “more time spent with parents/family is the best for children”. I am a full-time working mother who needs to work to make living since my husband wouldn’t make enough to support the family. I went back to work crying while my son started going to daycare. I give all my love and time outside of work to him yet feeling the guilt. I am doing best possible I can in the situation we are in, it is extremely disappointed to see someone like you trying to convince others that your decision is the right choice for your children. Should I believe that my son won’t be good enough no matter how much effort we make because of the time not being spent with him as parents? Also, I would like to see where you get the data to create the “parental ranking system based on time for the good of your child (not yourself)”? I just wanted to let you know that you could hurt people’s feelings with your post. I understand that you want to believe and validate (and possibly advertise) your own theory.
It’s just my opinion that spending more time with our kids during the first five years is better than less time.
And if it makes you feel better, so many of my peers who work FT say it’s the quality of time that counts and not the quantity of time.
Feel free to argue what you think is the ideal solution to making money and caring for your children. Thx
My husband got a job in NYC which would pay him decent amount of money. He also got an offer from Chicago suburban with almost equal pay as NYC. We currently live in Jersey and we are immigrants. With the current govt. We could possibly get kicked off. However, I am a doctor from home country and want to pursue my career in USA. While, my husband wants to move to Chicago because he feels he can pay off his debt, have worklife balance and better job opportunities. I see myself doing something with my career in Northeast rather than going to suburbans. I am strongly against long distance. I want to understand why it is only women who need to compromise on her career and aspirations and not men. How do we focus on our career while having smooth relationship. With so much of difference it looks like we can never have kids.
It shouldn’t be women who need to compromise on her career path… it is a sad stigma which our society has created. Chase your dreams, including your career dreams.
It seems that everyone feels entitled to have kids, regardles their fitness (or lack of fitness) for parenting. People who can barely support themselves having 6+ kids, people with serious genetic disorders having kids, people mentally challenged having kids, and the list goes on. I don’t think I would be a great parent, I don’t think I have very good genes, and can’t guarantee I will be able to provide a good life to my potential offspring, so I just decided not having any. Why are so much people unable to develop some critical thinking?
I wondered the same thing before I had kids as well and wrote this post: Don’t Have Kids If You First Can’t Take Care Of Yourself.
But then I had my son, and I realized there is NOTHING you will love more than your children. The feeling is the best feeling of joy ever, which is why people end up having so many regardless of their situation.
Related: What’s The Best Age Range To Have Children?
“….NOTHING you will love more than your children….” I get that, I’m not going to deny that. But let’s assume you have hungington’s disease or any other disease with a high chance of inheritance… will your love prevent your offspring from suffering? who is behaving in a selfish way? just as a reminder, those of us who decided not to having kids are usually labelled as selfish individuals…
If there was a high chance I would pass on pain and suffering to my children, I wouldn’t have children. If there was a high chance I cannot provide for my children, I wouldn’t have children either.
I don’t think people deciding not to have children are selfish. The opposite actually.
Do you have some genetic issues that you feel would severely limit your child’s life? What is your reason for not having children. Do you have someone you love to have children with?
https://www.financialsamurai.com/please-dont-have-children-if-you-cant-take-care-of-yourself-orphans/
I have a serious question to ask of you. What about those parents who have children old enough to go to school but not old enough to stay home when it becomes SUMMER VACATION. Both parents NEED to work do to needing the financial income, NOT because they can’t “Quit the Money” <———I wish that was a "problem" we had to deal with :/
No friends or family that can pitch in to help and no real "extra" money to have children go to a camp or something because they ALL cost money. What to people like us do in this case ???
Great question! If there are no other options, then sending kids to summer camp/summer school is what most parents do. Some parents do have flexible hours during the summer and winter months as well.
This is my situation currently. I have 2 bio kids and 3 step kids and we get them during the summer, the oldest is 11. When my kids were younger I stayed home with them. But when I got remarried my husband youngest was 4. Fast forward 4 years later I’m trying to dive back into the workplace full time and I’m always contemplating on when and how. As Nikki said camp is too much. I’ll pretty much be working just to pay for it. For 5 kids.
Don’t have children if you can’t afford the payments. Just like any other financial responsibility you choose to take on. It’s not like it’s a mystery as to how much it costs to raise a child.
Okay, so having read through this article, I find myself feeling a little frustrated about the arrogance of the author to begin with. For me, this article is based on one persons (limited) experience of parenting and provides a view on what a parent must do in order to be a great parent and if you don’t agree to this view then you are dismissed as primative. It’s a shame because there are some useful (yet obvious) tips on parenting, but the undertone of arrogance spoils this. Please don’t presume your method of parenting is the only way of parenting and you can only be a good parent if you follow this method. Parenting is a very personal and magical endeavour and an open mind should be sought to embrace this important responsibility.
Share what are some of those ways to be a parent instead of just being frustrated at one person’s POV. Thx
Very interesting point of view. I had a career of 15 years working in the IT industry when I became pregnant with 38. I had already switched to a more childfriendly employer, but still worked 80% as Head of Projects.
I was in the middle of kicking-off a major project where I had the lead and steered the ship right until I hit the delivery room on ETA. My project mgmt skills helped me tremendously to plan with my son who was 4 months when he started going to daycare 2 days a week as I reduced my worktime to 50% for a year. Babies sleep a lot, time I spent managing my trusted team and finishing the go-live of my project in budget / in time. I was used to jetlags, which also helped. We moved closer to my parents and in-laws and my husband reduced to 80% thus had a perfect network of baby jugglers to help.
The benefits:
– Several tiers of child support made it easier to travel for business
– Breastmilk storage / electronic breastpump
– childfriendly employers
– great daycare team with groups of 3 kids per nanny.
After son was 1.5 he decided how much he wanted mom and dad at home. When he was 2 he had a best buddy who also was at daycare and he wanted to go all day, so I increases to 80%, later he wanted to stay at home, so I again reduced to 50%, with 3 he joined a toddler music program and I reduced to 60%. Today he‘s in school and I work 70-100% and my husband 100%, though I do a lot from the home office on two home office days.
I used my time away from the shark tank to get into Agile, Scrum and gain more leadership skills, so that by the time son is 10 I can manage bigger departments of several 100 / 1000 employees (been leading teams of up to 250 so far).
Wow… Thats helpful & motivating!
I’m delighted that, with your 15 months of parenting experience, you feel qualified to tell all parents what their children need at every developmental level! I know that you look at couples who haven’t had kids yet and shake your head at all they still have to learn. Please understand- those of us with older kids look at you the same way. Kids don’t need their parents around less when they get to grade school. When they’re babies/toddlers, they really don’t have any clue what’s going on and are generally happy to be with anyone. (This is repeatedly heartbreaking to new parents who need desperately to believe that they’re as important to their babies as their babies are to them, which may be why many refuse to test it out by putting their little ones in a position where they can develop bonds with other adults.) It’s when they’re older that they really need their parents, have complex friendship and morality issues to figure out, behavioral issues and stress and learning issues, have a million school and extracurricular activities that they both need to get to, and want parents to attend. It becomes much harder to balance work and family as kids get older, not easier. Whatever your plan for your future is, it should include that reality.
Makes sense to me. I’m just telling you my perspective of what I’ve learned so far and everybody can make their own choice. Not sure why you are offended. You’re coming to my side not the other way around.
Did you end up pursuing your career and regret not being a SAHP?
Can you share your situation so we can understand where you are coming from? What are some learnings that you discovered that you can share to help other people wondering what to do.
It’s always better to share different perspectives so we can all learn from those who’ve been there.
Thx
Okay so I have 2 kids ages 4 and 8…I work as much as I can just to pay my rent alone, their father left years ago because he did not want to be a father anymore. I receive only 50 a mth in foodstamps, that is all I qualify for and can not quit my job because then I can not afford rent. My parents both passed away a few yrs ago and have no help from my other family members. I am completely alone parenting and making it on my own. I don’t find many ppl in the same type of situation as me because they either have help from family or the other parent in the picture so when I read about single parents I never find the answers to be very fitting. I’m working a dead end low paying job and can not find other work that pays enough and will work with hours I can do because of kids. I pay enough as it is in summer childcare as well as during school/daycare as my youngest is only in pre school pt so I have to pay for the other pt care he gets and morning care for my oldest just to make 40 hrs a week. It is hard to juggle everything. So when ppl say I should do this or that I feel like they just don’t get it, I don’t have time to go to school for myself or to find a man, that’s not even an option when I’m so busy anyways. it’s me and my kids and I have to focus on them as much as I can when I do have the time to spend quality time with them but I’m also lost and unsure of what the future holds for us because ultimately I would love to have a house for the 3 of us and a good paying job but I’m not sure if the cards are in my favor as far as that goes.
Single mom – this author’s situation is clearly vastly different than your situation, but I think you are still in control and the same basic principle can/should still apply. Where is your time/energy best spent to maximize enjoyment from life for your children AND you? Please realize also that you are not alone, but do need to reach out via other channels to receive community support since your parents and ex are sadly not an option. Use community groups, parent groups, neighborhood gatherings, or religious organizations in your local area as a means to connect with others. Creating strong friendships will be a great source of fulfillment and joy as well as a means to share the burden. Human connection is what makes life worth living. Set a good example for your kids with hard work, but also show them how you can thrive regardless of the hand you were dealt. I have no doubt the bond with your children will be greater than most and the respect they will have for you immeasurable.
Your comment reminds me of how important it is to be involved in the community to support people in tougher situations than our own. It’s easy to be laser focused on my own family/safety net and forget all of the other people who need a friendly shoulder to lean on.
So defensive and sensitive. Sorry you’re having such a tough time balancing work and family. Maybe you should pick what’s more important to you and focus?
I would choose family over work any day. If you really believe that kids need more parental guidance as they get older, what the heck are you doing working?
Seems like guilt has really taken over your comment. Nobody’s going to blame you for wanting money over spending time with your kids. Just yourself.
So true!
I have 3 kids and in my first one I worked like crazy since I couldn’t afford it. I missed so much from him that even to this day it hurts. I traded time for money. I worked harder each year to move to a better neighborhood, better school system etc but I wasn’t present on all these -after 5 year old- school years. Missed activities etc. My son was 12 when the rat race ended. I had two more girls 22 months apart. For my other two I decided to stay home because the opportunity arrived and even to this day- they are 12 & 10, I’m grateful for it. My professional career has suffered since it’s been 12 years of staying home but I still consider myself a lucky momma. Parenting it’s not one size fits and I see career driven parent where both work long hours, kids are surviving- they go to school, nannies take them from one activity to the other etc but for me these were the years that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the World. Priceless years!
We are moving soon in a more expensive area so I might have to go back to work but I still feel like I want to be the one present on my kids events not the babysitter. Especially when one of the spouses has a more thriving career that the other , I’ll be the one to be with my kids. Preffesionally I might never feel ‘good enough’ but that’s why we have choices and they differ from one parent to the other.
How can you afford to stay at home with no work. Are you bludging of society who pays taxes ? Thats not a good example for children
Who the hell play pays you guys has bills like I’m a single mother with two boys and I need to go back to school to get my bachelor’s degree because I still can’t live and I own my own home car everything but just putting food on the table and buying them clothes and whatever else they need I’m barely making it who the hell has the choice to stop work
Yes life isnt easy and gets harder. Ive spent my life working away from home my wife and ny children. I dont do this because I want to. I do this so I can provide. Pay for a mortgage pay for electricity pay for water and food. And lastly pay for the best education i can for my children. I hate watching my children grow up over a computer screen for 30 minutes a day. And sometimes I dont see them at all for months. Im lucky I have a loving loyal amazing wife . Who works hard everyday of the week as well. But is home to make breakfast and lunch and send the kids to school. And is home for them in the afternoon. My wife tells me how greatful she is to me for giving her and the kids the best I can. My children ages range from 18 to 5. They are all happy and healthy. Thats all that matters to me. I miss them very very much. But as long as they are healthy and happy thats what matters most. One day I hope that I will have time to live with my children will have the money to stay home. Or maybe one day my children will tell me to come home and say dad its time for us to look after you. And for you to enjoy your life with us and your grandchildren. God bless us all . Show love and serve your wife and children as you would serve your God. Love is service love is patient love is forever.
To Stacy:
I think the writer “with [his] 15 months of parenting experience” has done more research than you. Your though process “when they’re babies/toddlers, they really don’t have any clue what’s going on” is incorrect. Actually there is a lot of research on that subject. They “are generally happy to be with anyone” also incorrect. I don’t know at what age you put your child in daycare or your parenting style which could be the reason your child is happy with anyone. On the contrary my child knows the difference between myself and his father and the rest of the people including family members. Although he smiles at everyone, he always prefers us. I started daycare because I need to go back to the office. He is so unhappy, he stopped eating and doesn’t want to sleep. So if you ask me, they are just like us. Are you happy going to anyone’s house? People are the happiest around people they know and feel comfortable with. Just because we created a society in which we have 9-6 or 8-5 jobs and children need to go to daycare, doesn’t mean is okay for their development. A child’s brain grows 80-90% to full size in the first 3 years of life. My struggle is that I am thinking about quitting my job. The last thing I want is his brain developing by being 11 hours at daycare, the rest sleeping, and seeing his parents one hour a day. No wonder kids have no connections with their own parents and we wonder why. No attachment at childhood, nor later in life, because they spend most of their time at school. To later get home, go to their room to be on the internet/TV.
Thx is for the support! I’ve reached 30 months of experience now whoo hoo! :)
Maybe some of us do not work for money. I have trained to be a scientist my entire life. I work as an educator and a researcher. I do it as a way to use my gifts to serve humanity and because I love it. How could someone take 5 years off from such a path?
If money is someone’s main motivation your premise makes sense but for many of us it isn’t. By the way can you imagine how great my kid feels about having a mom who is a scientist?
Do you have kids? And if so, how did you balance this? 27yo, about a month out of graduating from my Bsc in Molecular Biology (Bit late I know but life happened). Seriously have two forks in front of me – Postgrad or family and this is a real-life question that I just don’t know if I have answers for. I probably won’t know what was the “better choice” ever, all I will know is what was right at the time – but that’ll probably be with 20:20 hindsight. Desperate for other people’s stories on how they managed science/family, women especially.
I would love an answer on that too. I’m a scientist as well.
Hi,
I am a former scientist and I currently teach in NJ. As many have said, sometimes we need to make choices that will affect for sure our work life or family life.
before meeting my husband, I worked in HIV research, I collaborated in 7 papers and for that, I am deeply proud that I could work in what drove me to pursue a career on science. However, once I met my husband and things were getting serious, I though about the idea of having a family at some point. Well, research is a competitive and demanding field and I made a choice that pit my family first. I am now a science teacher and I have three kids. the fact that I am with my kids during the evening and summers and holidays, that, I wouldn’t trade for anything, it is a gift.
do I miss doing research and collaborate in peer review publications? Of course, sometimes I feel nostalgic of the passion that i put in each project that I was part of. However, I see my children and parenting as a learning experience, gathering daily information and providing feedback. I am not a great aprent but I am channeling my passions and love toward my kids!
Im sure you are a wonderful parent, not just a great parent, though it might not feel like it when we are struggeling to balance everything. But just saying that you wouldnt trade summer vacations with then and being with them in the evening says it all, youre awesome!
Personally think it depends and the key is values too. Is it really great for kids I’d their parents are hey with them full time but that’s because the grandparents are being sponged off?
What if money is a real stress. That brings all kinds of tension. And then there are parents who raise their kids in a bubble.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing for kids to see Mom and Dad working. My mom worked as a nanny once and the little girl cried and cried. Her mom was leaving and my mom told her your mommy wants to be with you more than anything in the world but you need socks and shoes! And that’s why mommies and Daddies have to go to work. The little girl remembered that another time and told her dad you’re getting socks and shoes my mom explained and her Dad added toys. It made sense to her. Okay they are going but it’s for a reason. I do need socks and shoes lol.
Eventually one parent got a more flexible job but the little girl is turning out wonderfully. It’s not a bad thing for kids to learn sometimes we don’t get everything we want and about responsibility. Life ain’t always fun. We have to work for things we need.
I am 23 years old with a 2 year old and 6 month old son. To be honest, I needed to read this blog because I am currently out of work… I have been worrying a lot and It has been almost a year that I have been out of work. It is not easy because you need money to supply your needs but I guess that is where side hustles and going back to school etc comes in.
I do find myself rushing to be where I want to be at in life when I should just slow down and take one day at a time and try to make discussion that will better benefit me in the long run than looking for something quick. I have to remind myself this a lot as well. This blog has really made me reconsider some things and feel encouraged.
Thank you so much for your point of view. I became a stay at home father a little over a year ago and have recently had some worries that I am in too deep to ever have a career again (especially since finding out my wife is expecting again, lengthening out our full time at home baby time by 5 additional years). I know it has been beneficial to my kids and have even had notes coming home from school about how awesome the kids are! It’s nice to occasionally be reminded that it’s not going to be forever and I’ll be back to work before long. It’s also a good reminder that the way our kids are raised DOES affect them forever.
Ranking how your kids will turn out based on having the financial capability to do absolutely nothing for 5 years vs. being an honorable hard working member of society is ultra harsh. Your kids will turn out amazing as long as you LOVE them. Not because you worked/didn’t have to work. In fact, children (and mother’s with daughters especially) who have parents with careers are more likely to achieve higher levels of success themselves. It’s called a role model. Going back to work 6 months post-partum was a blessing for me. I got out of my sweatpants and vomit rut, blow dried my hair and took on the world (20-30 hours out of the week). That still computes to being with my daughter over 80% of the time. She is with her dad or my parents while I am at work and yeah every now and then I get a cringe of guilt but at least I do not Resent my daughter for placing me in permanent housewife purgatory. I love her more than anything and can’t wait to see her blossom into an independent successful female far beyond my capabilities- at least I feel I have laid some ground work for her to emulate. Climb that ladder ladies- you’re not climbing a pole! Don’t let this author scare you into becoming your best self. Child bearing years happen to coincide with prime career and furthering education and that’s why there ARE resources like Grandparents and reputible daycare centers. I personally am not going to put my daughter in daycare, however our neighbors son has been since he was one year old and his vocabulary is though the roof- my daughter I can already tell is yearning for more outside socialization which she would get if I put her in a daycare but it’s just not at my comfort level. There are pros and cons to every circumstance.
Thanks for sharing and I’m glad things worked out for you.
This article is trying to address the very real decisions people make about work and kids as couples are starting families later due to cost. Before I had a kid, I thought one or both of us had to give up our careers forever.
But after I had my kid, I realized it was just 5 years of career sacrifice AT MOST. If I knew that 10 years ago, I would have been more motivated to have kids earlier. It’s one of my regrets.
But better late than never.
Related: How To Never Worry About Your Child’s Future Again In This Brutally Competitive World
Re-read this article in 10 years. Your views may evolve over time in ways that may surprise you.
Sounds good. I think most views tend to change over 10 years. How do you think my views will change and what are your views?
So far, I’m happy to have spent the past 25 months being a stay at home dad.
Are you a working mom or a stay at home mom?
https://www.financialsamurai.com/eight-takeaways-on-being-a-stay-at-home-dad-for-two-years/
Nikki – I agree with you. Everyone is better off when mom and dad work and kiddos go to high quality child care and preschool. I find the weekends with my toddler and infant to be physically and emotionally draining. I couldn’t imagine doing it 7 days a week.
From the child’s perspective, sitting around with mom and dad 24/7 is incredibly boring and they don’t learn social skills. Mom and dad react directly then people that don’t love and care about them. Kids need to learn how to make friends and interact with humans that do not provide unconditional love. My sons behavior improved dramatically when he started going to montessori school. He had learned that mom and dad were suckers and he wasn’t able to get away with similar tricks in school.
We believe that early socialization is incredibly valuable, and i cannot provide that exclusively as a stay at home dad. However, once the cost of child care is gone, I would find no reason to continue working if our mortgage is paid off and we have zero child care costs. In addition, school only lasts until 2:30, so unless you are comfortable with your 5 year old sitting around at a school until 6PM everyday, one of the parents has to quit or at least go part-time.
In my opinion, everyone should keep their full time job until the kids start kindergarten, and then if you decide to keep working once all of your major expenses are gone, you have that option. As a man, once you take more than 2-5 years off and are older than 40, you have virtually zero chance of getting a decent paying job again. In addition, I can’t imagine I would go back to being an office slave after experiencing freedom for that long.
That’s a very whack opinion. Why would you reduce working once the child enters kindergarten? The whole point of this article was how to maximize time with your children for their well being. I feel like you don’t enjoy being around children and would rather push em off to the side… Working less in kindergarten means more time for you right? Selfish and completely missing the articles point.
4 got 2 add parents that work full time and bounce the baby between them with no help from ANYONE…YAYYY for still having some color 2 my hair lol!!!!
I had my first when I was 30 working in the government. It was a well paying stable job but boring. When I went back after my mat leave (1 year in Canada), I didn’t like it and I rather spend my time with my baby. I was moved into a bad team and worked for a micro manager. I didn’t really see the point of having someone else spend time with my child while I worked a boring job that took forever for things to happen. Luckily, while i was mat leave, I started to expand on my piano teaching business. When I returned to work from mat leave , I had enough students to keep as a part time job and was working 60 hours a week. Long story short, I quit the boring coporate job and went back to my passion, piano. I have more than enough hours of teaching now ( 30Hours), I can spend all my good hours of the day with my children and teach in the evening when kids are sleeping. My schedule is my own and I can take the summers off. Been following your blog for several years and I totally agree with you !! My best advice is do what you like to do and spend time with your children because that time is precious and no money can buy that time back.
Congrats on building up your side gig to do what you want and have more freedom! I love that. Everybody has some talent they can monetize.
Time is going QUICK with children. They grow up so fast. The 2.5 years you spend with your child before pre-school is worth it. You will NOT regret giving up money for the time you spend with little one folks. I promise you this.
yah so true, i found your blog when i left my job and it only made me more confident about my decision. when i left the government, my co workers didn’t enjoy their jobs but was afraid to leave. i felt like ai was getting the “Get out of jail free card:)” never look back now. and now i’m much happier family life wise and also career wise. i’m doing something i’m passionate about and i also make more money working less hours. it’s a win-win. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice!
Responding to your tweet, here’s a blog post I did this week similar to this topic. I was focused more the finances and planning aspect of it. 18+ years ago, we decided we wanted one parent home to raise our kids (my wife). Long run it was a great decision since my wife passed away when kids were 8, 10, and 12. Had we not made that decision, I would have had regrets that kids would not have known their mom so well.
A Millionaire Next Door
July 17 at 11:01 AM ·
DINK – double income, no kids. This is one way to get wealthy. However, if you plan to have kids be sure to have a plan on how you will deal with the expenses. Childcare is very expensive. Here is how my late wife and I handled it.
We knew we wanted kids when we married in 1999. She was a NICU nurse making about $50K per year when we married. I was making about $50K as an engineer. Combined we were pulling in decent money since we had very few expenses (debt free minus our mortgage at the time). We had decided that she would stay home with the kids when one day we had kids. We took the decision NOT to use or live off her income, only mine knowing that when we had our first kid, we could financially handle it. Until we had our first child in 2001, we put all her income into investments (low cost index mutual funds).
When our first child was born, she quit her full time RN position to stay at home with our daughter. Financially, it was an easy transition since we had not been using her income. This post is not to debate staying home vs. working but to advise those who are younger without kids to carefully plan how you will handle kids financially when they are born.
Finally, the most important point of this post is that if you are married or in a partnership and your goal is to build wealth, you MUST be on the same page. When you read or hear millionaire stories including mine, you will hear them say that their spouse is of the same mindset and on the same page financially. Remember, your home is a business, your business. You are partners in all ways. Regarding money, you must have vision, a plan, a budget, and seamlessly work together.
Oh gosh, my condolences. That time your wife spent with your kids was so precious. I’m so glad she did. Thank you for sharing.
I am in that 2 to 5 year zone now and I was 30 when we had our first son (planned).
I’ve always believed in having kids early. This was helped by meeting a 50 year old man who had a 5 year old son. He told me it was his biggest regret as his struggles to bond and be as playful not being so young.
As for our kids, Mary stayed at home initially and then when when she went back to work, she did in our own day care, which we run as a business. So she has pretty much spent every single day with our sons.
Thinking about that, I’ve missed out alot being the one who went out to earn etc. However, I’ve been fortunate to have a flexible business I run, which means I’ve never missed any key events and I manage to get home to do the evening routines (dinner, shower, reading etc).
Would I ever want to be a full time dad? For sure! But I know for certain that it would take more work.
Thanks for sharing Ken. I wish I had my son at 30. That 50 year old man you met sure woulda helped give me some perspective!
Very cool you guys run a daycare and can take care of your son at the same time. A win-win! I met a pre-school teacher father whose son will join his pre-school next year. Such good synergy.
Really enjoy your blog, have been a fan the past few years.
I’m 45 and after nearly twenty years working my way up the ladder in tech, I am finally taking a break. My son is three and I’m so happy to get to spend so much more time with him. I’ve only been off a few weeks and I’ve already noticed a huge difference in our relationship.
We’ve been lucky with our childcare situation in that my husband has had the luxury to work from home with some sporadic travel (he’s also in tech.) My mom has been taking care of our son during the day, she’s a native Spanish speaker, so we’ve had the added benefit of making certain he’s bilingual. She also has a Doctorate in Ed. and has taught pre-schoolers, so I couldn’t have found someone better for the job. Although, she’s in her late seventies and has had about enough of my long work hours.
I plan to take 2-3 years off from full-time work (Although, I am taking a low residency grad school program, an MFA, I can’t help myself.) Of course, I’m a little nervous about finding my way back career-wise, but I keep telling myself that all I’ve learned throughout my career won’t vanish with me staying at home for a few years.
We live in Southern California and have been saving for a house, so I don’t want to dig too deeply into my savings, since it’s just not cheap here and probably will never be. We’re lucky in that we have a low overhead situation for now and until we buy. So I do plan to dive back in to work, but likely with a career change where I won’t consistently make what I made in tech.
BTW, bought and read your book and was able to package out. Amazing!
All music to my ears! So awesome your mom w/ a PhD in education with pre-school experienced helped out while also have a part-time SAH husband.
And of course, GREAT JOB packaging out! I haven’t used that term before, but now I will.
Spending those 2-3 years off from FT work to recharge and also be a FT mom is a decision you will NOT regret at 45. There is no way you will look back and wish you wish you had still worked before your little one went to kindergarten.
I was just asked to be a godmother for the first time and suddenly I am needing to plan my life differently. There is now a greater chance than previously that I will need to raise a child. I need to get my finances together much more quickly. If this child needs me, then he’ll have been through the trauma of losing his parents and switching countries. I need to be able to take time off to focus on him intently should that happen. I also need to become fluent in the other language he’ll speak. Thankfully, this is just causing me to want to kick the career and savings into high gear so that I can buy more time later.
Fascinating article here about the importance of nurture the first two years of a child’s life. Look at the different brain sizes of the 3 year olds!!
https://www.yahoo.com/news/two-brains-both-belong-three-120608571.html
Look it’s your blog/ but this whole post is completely subjective.
And it’s pretty much completely based on the supposition that you make enough money or have made enough money for 1 or both parents to take a step back. If you do or have, then yes 100%, take the time off if you feel good about your ability to cover the mortgage/pay for children education, etc. But also keep in mind that perspective is reserved for (I’m guessing here) the top 5%?
And I’m most certainly not knocking the other contributor here who elects to stay home. But as a parent it’s frustrating to read someone opine on what is best for anyone other than their* kid.
Maybe I should just take a chill pill and not respond.
The only hypothesis I have wrt raising a child is: spending more time is better than spending less time. I’m not sure how anybody can disagree with this. Yes, I can imagine it may be annoying if both parents work and there is some guilt associated with that. But this is not a post to make people feel good. This is a post about helping with one’s parental plans when juggling a career.
I’m pretty sure they are way more than 5% of parents who have one spouse stay at home to raise a child.
Here is some data from Pew Research 2014 study. But it doesn’t include stay-at-home fathers.
In 1967, 49 percent of mothers were stay-at-home mothers. That proportion steadily dropped through the decades until 1999, when only 23 percent of moms stayed at home. Since 1999, the percentage of mothers who stayed at home began to increase again, rising by 6 points to 29 percent in 2012. The researchers note that recent declines in the labor force participation rate and rising immigration were likely factors in the increase of the stay-at-home rate. They also indicate that the rise in the proportion of mothers who stayed at home will not likely continue because most mothers surveyed would like to work part-time or full-time.
The researchers use demographic data to observe differences between mothers who stay at home and those who have paid employment. Mothers at home tend to be younger than working mothers: 42 percent of stay-at-home moms in 2012 were under age 35 compared with 35 percent of working moms, and stay-at-home mothers are more likely to have children under age 5. In addition, stay-at-home mothers have lower levels of educational attainment and are more likely than working mothers to be living in poverty. Nearly half of the stay-at-home mothers have a high school diploma or less, compared with 30 percent of working mothers, and 34 percent of stay-at-home moms are living in poverty, compared with 12 percent of working mothers.
In 2012, approximately 28 percent of American children—a total of 12.2 million children—were being raised by stay-at-home mothers. On average, mothers at home spend 18 hours a week caring for their children compared with 11 hours for employed mothers. The researchers’ analysis of time-use data also shows disparities in how stay-at-home moms and working moms spend their time. Stay-at-home mothers spend more time on child care, housework, leisure, and sleep than do their employed counterparts, including spending an extra 7 hours each week on childcare.
“This is not a post about how to be a great parent because unlike work, parenting is very subjective. ”
I think you make your own case for why this article is unhelpful.
As someone who grew up in a divorced family, graduated from a top tier university on scholarship and made more money than both parents combined my first year out, there are life lessons along the way that I never would have learned and used as my guide with out good examples of hard work/mental toughness displayed by my parents and others. On the flip side, we wouldn’t be able to give our kids a home in one of the best zip codes (ie schools, resources, an aupare) in the country if we didn’t acknowledge that high paying jobs afford big steps in quality of life.
My wife (38) and I (33) are on the cusp of being able to quit our jobs and afford to pay for college for both our children (2.5 & 5mo), but why should we?
Wouldn’t I be better off showing them first hand that getting up and going to work and doing something you enjoy that provides for your family is the reward in and of itself? Shouldn’t I want my daughter to see her mom kicking ass at life?!
I hope my children realize that there are always sacrifices in life and effort is the real “price” paid.
I hope I leave my children a wealth of mental toughness and a system of rational thinking that helps them navigate life’s twists and turns.
Something tells me they will appreciate that more than knowing their dad was home for their first 5 years of life, which is not me saying I’m absent in their lives.
To answer your question, probably not. I strongly believe that it’s better for at least one or both parents to be in their child’s life for the first five years before they go to school.
They can see their mom or dad kicking ass after they understand what kicking ass in the work place means. But for the first five years, talk to any pediatrician, social anthropologist, child psychologist, etc. and they will agree that spending more time with your children is better than spending less time.
You can’t show kids first hand work ethic if you are not at home. All you’re showing them is that you’re gone for 10+ hours a day when they are home being taken care of by someone else. But you can show them work ethic if you’re at home.
You don’t have to justify both of you guys working full-time jobs to me. Money is a powerful motivator, especially when you don’t feel like you have enough to be financially independent.
This article is intended to help potential parents who are thinking about having kids, but can’t seem to break free from the corporate grind. You guys have already made your choice.
To bluntly say the article is unhelpful is disrespectful and frankly plain rude, especially when you aren’t the target audience for this post.
Being a stay at home parent to young children is a full time job and is absolutely no less “kick ass” or less enjoyable than a job that takes place outside the home. I agree with Sam that leaving to go to a job every day doesn’t really demonstrate how hard you’re working either because they can’t even see you working.
If you like your current lifestyle that’s great. It doesn’t mean it’s the better way. Keep an open mind that there’s more than one approach to when/how/where to work and raise a family.
Hi Oliver,
Parenting may be subjective but science is not. It is a fact that children who have a stay at home parent are less likely to have behavioral issues in school. They are less likely to divorce, less likely to commit suicide, and statistically happier than kids who don’t.
To be fair, a recent Harvard study showed girls with working moms are more likely to be successful in their jobs than girls with stay at home moms. This story was widely reported by the media. What wasn’t reported, the same researcher also concluded that even though they were more successful at work, they polled less satisfied and happy with their lives than children of stay at home parents.
I just don’t understand why people who are financially able don’t hedge their bets when it comes to raising their children. You can give them all the love, support, and nurturing when they need it the most then you can show them your work ethic as they age and can appreciate it.
Thanks, Bill
if you are a lady or proper mother and want to care for your children you must stay at home unless you are too old and have a younger years vocation which will soon not be possible, or are past the best rearing age or might be threatened. or if you need the m/oney badly, but a children´s maid also costs, but with some professions salaries compensate well also in savings
Sorry? What are you talking about? That didn’t even make sense. If you’re going to denigrate working mothers, try to be coherent.
I am a 34-year-old woman with no children, working ~60 hours a week as a patent lawyer and loving my job. My husband is in tech and also loves his job. Neither of us would ever think of working part-time or being a stay-at-home parent. When I read this post and the comments and observe my friends who have young children, it really sounds like having children is an awful burden. We have observed our friends with happy marriages become unhappy and hostile due to having a child. At the same time, they say they love their child but are just stressed out. My husband and I think we should have a kid soon because the window for having children is narrowing each year, but we are not willing to sacrifice our marriage or take time off work. We want to be able to spend time with our child while never having to worry about child care. I have looked up live-in nannies, but I don’t believe any nanny is available to work or be on call more than 140 hours a week. We are able to afford a live-in nanny, but is there a way to get one without paying him/her a six figure salary?
It’s your choice whether you want to spend your time working to maximize your career / income opportunity. If you love it, continue doing so.
It’s a huge decision to have kids. Don’t let anybody sway you one way. The only issue is risk and difficuly conceiving if you change your mind later. After 40 gets really difficult for many people.
Related: When Is The Best Age To Have Kids?
Looks like a good topic for some thoughtful discussion. I’d also like to add my two cents. My spouse and I have two young children. We have tried a variety of care arrangements including: one spouse stays home and the other works full time; two parents work and relative cares for children; two parents work and in-home nanny cares for children; and two parents work and children go to daycare.
For us, the best solution has been two parents work and children go to daycare. We have found the following aspects of childcare to be important to us: provides strong structure and routine for the children, provides opportunities to engage with children of similar age and non-parent/relative caretakers, and provides learning opportunities which emulate the traditional school environment. These were difficult things for us to be able to provide for our child otherwise.
With a relative caring for the children, we found that the children will fit around the schedule of the relative rather than the children having a routine and structured schedule. We also sometimes found conflict between the relative and us, as to how the children were to spend their day.
I think the best scenario for us was to have both parents stay home for 12-15 months. After that, we’ve found that it is in our children’s best interest if they engage in an out-of-the-house structured schedule with other children and nonrelatives/parents.
We spent a lot of time vetting childcare facilities and we were insistent on only looking at facilities which had caretakers with long tenures and bachelors degrees in early childhood education. It was also important for us to find a facility which would challenge our child. This required us to relocate. Certainly more expensive, but we felt it was worth the cost.
I’m shocked at the things are children have been able to do, far before I believed they were capable of doing them. Much of this is do to nonparent caretakers challenging them without our paternal bias and also being able to emulate their older classmates.
Our kids LOVE going to daycare every weekday. If they didn’t, we’d find another option.
Conrad.
How did you manage to stay home 12-15 months? Are you in Europe?
We asked our employers if we could do it and they agreed. We weren’t scared of losing our jobs. My wife got 3 months paid. I actually had to work 10 hrs a week as a contractor for my company. But they let me work from home and during nonbusiness hours. I was ready to walk if we couldn’t come to an agreement.