If you want to succeed long-term, make sure you are working mostly for intrinsic rewards not extrinsic rewards.
I believe the right balance for success is to have >70% intrinsic motivation and <30% extrinsic motivation. If most of the reason why you are doing something is due to extrinsic motivation, you will likely burn out and fail.
The goals of this post are to:
- Help you keep going even if you want to quit
- Identify what will help you succeed
- Share the difficulties and insecurities of being a creator
- Highlight how maintaining a good relationship takes constant work and empathy
- Share the pressures parents face
The Desire For Too Much Extrinsic Reward
The other day I got upset with my wife for a selfish reason. I had spent four hours taking both kids to the beach, then to dinner, then to the playground so she could have some alone time to do her own thing. She needed time to pack for our big move and also unwind.
When I returned, she said “Thank you for taking the kids out,” which I appreciated. But she didn't acknowledge the latest podcast episode (Apple, Spotify) I had released that morning. I had spent about two hours prepping and recording the episode. So I was bummed when it seemed apparent she hadn't even listened to it yet after being away all day.
Ever since I learned how to interview people using Riverside.fm, I've been more excited about podcasting. The range of people I can speak to is unlimited.
My intrinsic reward is getting to speak to fascinating people about their lives. Spending a fun time at the beach with my kiddos should also be reward enough. However, my extrinsic motivation of gaining recognition from my wife and gaining more positive reviews drags me down.
The next day, a Friday, I took the kids out to the playground for a couple of hours in the morning before leaving them with mommy to watch a tennis tournament. I figured, after having published a new post that morning before taking the kids out, I had earned the privilege of spending time with my friend at the tournament.
As a stay-at-home father, I feel bad when I'm not taking care of the kids when they are out of school. However, this tournament happens only once a year and it is my favorite event. While some dads golf or fly to New York City for the U.S. Open for a week. I drive 35 minutes north to Tiburon for four hours.
Asking One More Time
When I returned from the tournament, my wife was visibly tired. Our kids are a handful. Both kids have screamed and cried multiple times every day for their entire lives. Her nerves were fried.
Instead of being thankful she took care of the kiddos all afternoon while I watched tennis, the first thing I asked her was whether she had read my post from that morning. She had not. Once again, I was bummed.
But then I realized something important. The reason why I hadn't asked about her well-being first was because I was trying to overcome my guilt for leaving her with the kids.
By asking her whether she had read my article, I was trying to justify to her that I had already contributed to our family. And by being disappointed, I could gain further credit the next time I wanted to decrease my childcare duties.
From this experience, I also realized that in order to succeed long-term, you need to be willing to do the work without any recognition, praise, or accolades. In other words, to achieve your goals, you must put the desire for extrinsic rewards aside.
Make Sure You Are Working For The Right Reasons
Every artist wants people to see their work. Every podcaster wants people to listen to their episodes. And every writer wants people to read their articles and books.
Creators often put so much effort and heart into their work while exposing themselves to ridicule, that receiving some positive affirmation goes a long way toward helping us keep going.
In the beginning, I used to mainly write for myself because I was afraid of losing all my financial gains during the 2008 global financial crisis. Over time, I evolved into writing mostly to help others solve their financial problems. Then once my wife left her job and our children were born, I began to write to earn more money to support my family.
But that's the problem. Extrinsic rewards don't hold up for long. If I mainly wrote on Financial Samurai to make more money, I would have quit a long time ago!
Related: Blind Spot For Fathers Who Think They Are Doing A Good Job
Examples Of Extrinsic Rewards That Start Feeling Empty
Besides money, other examples of extrinsic rewards include prizes, awards, grades, promotions, social media followers, and media mentions.
How many times were we thrilled to have gotten a promotion at work only to feel nothing several months later? How many times have you achieved something great after years of work only to experience a trough of sorrow after?
These letdowns occur because extrinsic motivators were greater than 50% of the reason why you were doing something. Dial it back in order to minimize your disappointments.
Writing to partially support my family creates an expectation that my family should appreciate my work. It also creates an unnecessary burden on my wife to always keep up. Given I'm a prolific writer, sometimes it's hard to read and listen to everything I do. Parenting a 3.5 and 6.5-year-old all day is exhausting when there's no school.
Writing helps journal history, which I think my family will really appreciate when they are older. This has been a key intrinsic motivator of mine to write so consistently since 2009.
However, they didn't ask for me to chronicle history. I am the one who decided to take on this active income opportunity and nobody else. Hence, I should expect extrinsic rewards to keep me motivated.
Intrinsic Motivation Is The Key To Long-Term Success
You can achieve short-term success by seeking extrinsic motivators such as fame, money, status, and power. But unless you've got self-esteem issues, it's hard to keep the momentum going long-term.
Since starting Financial Samurai in 2009 I have surpassed my writing goals.
- Goal 1: publish a new post three times a week for ten years.
- Goal 2: publish an ebook on how to negotiate a severance.
- Goal 3: publish with a traditional publisher a hardcopy book on making better financial decisions
I could not have succeeded without intrinsic motivation. I write mainly because I enjoy the process. Writing helps me understand myself and it helps solve financial and life problems many of us experience. Writing also creates a nice community of interesting people on Financial Samurai who share their perspectives.
But now I have a new long-term goal: publish at least two posts a week until the year 2042, when both kids graduate college. Just thinking about 19 years of consistently writing every week sounds exhausting! All the more reason why I need to focus on the joy of writing, not the money, not the search engine rankings, and not the accolades.
I also need to stop expecting my family and friends to read and support my work. If I do, I know I'll inevitably be disappointed because everybody has their own busy lives to lead. And when I feel disappointed, the chances of me quitting go way up.
Status, Fame, Power, Money Are OK Motivators
Extrinsic motivators like status and power drive people to succeed. Just be careful not to make these motivators much greater than 30% of the reason why you are doing what you're doing.
If you do, you might eventually experience an emptiness inside, like I experienced after publishing my book, Buy This Not That. After working hard for two years and the book landing on the WSJ bestseller list, I felt a huge letdown a week later.
Based on my expectations, the accolade of getting on a national bestseller list was not worth it based on my expectations. Luckily, I had enough intrinsic motivation to complete the book because I'm always up for a good challenge.
After publishing my book and doing so many video and podcast interviews to market the book, I happily reverted back to my private life as a stay at home dad. The extrinsic motivators of fame and fortune dissipated.
Onto The Second Book
I'm in the process of writing my second book about building wealth. This time, I'm doing my best to remove all expectations of making it a national bestseller.
Instead, I'm mainly writing a second book because I have more to say to help others achieve financial independence sooner. I learned a lot from writing the first book, which I'll incorporate in my second book.
The second reason why I'm writing another book is because I want to set a good academic example for my kids. I figure if they see me writing and ultimately publishing a book, they'll take their reading and writing more seriously as well.
The book advance, an extrinsic motivator, is another positive no doubt. It'll help pay for college and health insurance. However, goodness knows there are easier ways to make money than by writing books!
With artificial intelligence stealing writers' content by not providing any attribution or traffic, writing for a living is getting harder. I feel fortunate to just have a publisher offer me a book deal.
To Succeed, Fight The Urge To Be Recognized
We all want to be recognized for the work that we do. However, if we expect too much recognition, disappointment will surely follow. Therefore, it's best to not expect any type of recognition from anybody.
If you need support, then join a group that shares your exact same passion. Relying on your friends and family who do not share your same enthusiasm will inevitably lead to disappointment.
In conclusion, it's worth asking yourself these two questions:
If you never get paid or promoted for the work you do, will you still do it?
If you never get an award for your creativity, will you still create?
You've found your ikigai if you answered yes! And for those of you who answered no, then continue searching for your reason for being. It's out there. You just have to keep searching until you find it.
Reader Questions And Suggestions
How do you differentiate between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation? Do you think you can achieve and sustain long-term goals with mostly extrinsic motivators? How can we better support our loved ones if we don't share the same interests? How do you succeed without accolades?
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I quit my job this year after a couple decades with a Fortune 50 company, mostly because my answer was a strong “heck no” to Sam’s question as to whether I’d continue doing my job if I weren’t paid. It’s not like I was *suffering* in global terms, just the usual boohoo stuff for big corp jobs that pay in the middle six figures – stress, long hours, nasty commute, etc. And yes, I used Sam’s How To Engineer Your Layoff book https://www.financialsamurai.com/how-to-engineer-your-layoff-make-a-small-fortune-by-saying-goodbye/ to help ensure I walked away with a package that gives me plenty of time to think about the NEXT THING (thanks Sam!). I always tried to put clear boundaries around “what I can be paid for” and the other circles in the ikigai venn diagram, but in the last 5 years the work circle munched too much of the other circles so….
For now, the NEXT THING is to “achieve” nothing. I’m focusing on time with the people and activities I love to allow my head to slowly unwind itself from the corporate mindset and explore different ways of thinking. So far, achieving nothing has kept me very happily busy. I make my wife breakfast every morning, take long walks with the dog, hang out with the (adult) kids, babysit my little grandson, read & consider entire articles of interest instead of just scan them, travel, play lots of sports with friends, spend more time managing the rentals, overhaul financial plans, optimize some investments, get closer to 8 hrs of sleep nightly, work on learning or improving a couple languages, explore current options for getting back into tutoring k-8th grade kids, and I try to connect with at least one person per week from my former industry, specifically the people I genuinely respect and like as humans that I was “too busy” to spend much time with.
My wife and I are in our early 50s and don’t have enough passive income to retire, but can earn much less and still retire before 60. My wife is more risk averse than me, so raised the eyebrows when I quit, but ultimately said, “You do whatever you want, just remember I’m not staying in a J.O.B. a day past my 59th birthday, at latest, and I expect you to pull your weight in hitting our passive income goals.” Fair enough.
I’m too old to care much about many of the extrinsic rewards related to other people’s approval of my choices. At my age, people with opinions about me keep dropping dead. When I was younger, I wanted to prove myself, so I did some cool stuff, but now that stuff is mostly useful for torturing our kids with stories or giving myself a “remember when” pep talk when I’m tempted to shrink from a challenge.
Have I found a way to balance ikigai (reason for being) with gettin’ paid? No, nor so I see a practical and engaging way to do it that gets me to financial freedom faster than some kind of job using my decades of job experience. I realize that “what I can be paid for” (profession/vocation) is supposed to part of ikigai, but as long as a J.O.B. pays 4X or 5X what I love doing, seems the best path is to just do a kinda interesting job for the next 5ish years. Maybe I’ll just take a gig that gives me more free time than the last one and pays maybe 3X what I love doing, and after 7ish years I can mostly retire and play Twister for the rest of my short life on a perfectly balanced ikigai graphic. I’m wary of starting a business at this point in my life because, from what I’ve seen, any business that will net multiple six figures takes years of long hours doing a lot of stuff I don’t love.
For now, I’m lying on a couch in a little cabin by a deserted beach in the middle of nowhere typing this overly long “comment” on my phone. I’m going to give treats to a couple stray dogs and go for a hike. This evening I’ll drive past decaying mobile homes into a small town, like I do every night while I’m here, to buy teriyaki from a man who works 7 days a week 365 days a year except when he leaves to buy supplies from the big city. I’ve worked hard to earn choices, but many have worked harder and have fewer choices. Some have worked less and have more choices. Life isn’t fair. As is the case with many FS readers, I’ve been lucky so far and I’ll do my best to appreciate the love and beauty in my life. I can’t fully control what comes next, but time spent well now is a great foundation for the NEXT THING.
Love it Tom! And congrats for unwinding and not achieving! Hope you enjoy this time off for a while.
Good on your wife for setting her foot down and not working past 59.
Please keep me updated on how you feel, 3-6 months from now!
Thx
Thanks Sam! I’ll keep you posted.
Have some fun and buy that teriyaki guy a day off.
Really excellent post. There is another Japanese concept called Shokunin – essentially being the spiritual obligation one has to society to be the best they can possibly be at their craft. I’ve found this to be a powerful driver throughout by career journey – it aligns well with Ikigai.
I think your post also really complements the post you did a while back on how if you live well, you circumvent poor markets and poor societal morale – so much of which comes from the drivers of power, status, and resource accumulation. It’s really true that if you live well, nothing else really matters.
So, when you are a services professional who is no longer working for pay, is your Ikigai (1) what you love; (2) what the world needs; and (3) what you are good at? Ikigai x 3/4? Some have told me that’s just allowing others to take advantage of you since you are not getting paid any more. But if you apply your skills to those who cannot afford to pay and who have the need for your services, it feels rewarding – – not like exploitation. Especially if you set limits and leave plenty of time for family, exercise, friends, travel, reading, trying something new, whatever.
I have learned through long experience that being thanked is a rarity.
If something is worth doing, do it anyway.
Yes, which also means everyone has the power to easily stand out and feel better relationships by simply acknowledging someone’s work or telling the person. Thanks.
Unfortunately, we tend to take everything for granted after a while. Only when something is gone, that we truly appreciate what we had. But then that’s too late.
While this intrinsic value sounds great, it’s important to acknowledge the needs and stage of life of individuals. For someone on survival mode, neither intrinsic nor extrinsic matter. They just need to survive. When an individual goes past survival mode, which is a luxury for that kind of person, they can consider other issues.
True. Are you currently experiencing survivor mode?
Hi Sam,
I hear you, I enjoy writing on my blog about happiness, but my husband never reads my work. I’m fortunate that my friends do, though, and I enjoy interacting with readers and meeting new people through the blog.
I used to do a podcast, but the production work was just too much. Maybe when I have more time, I will go back to podcasting. What software are you using for your podcast?
Your work ethic inspires me. I don’t make money through my newsletter yet, still trying to figure that out, so you inspire me there as well! One of your other posts encouraged me when you said that mental health blogs can earn money.
my husband and I talk about your posts regularly. I always appreciate your contrarian perspective and honesty!
Thanks for reading and listening. I use libsyn to upload my recordings and Riverside.fm to interview people.
I’m not sure people realize or appreciate how much work podcast entails. But I encourage people to try and order to find out!
This reminds me of when I was learning how to play piano growing up. Initially I started lessons because I asked to learn. After a while, it became a drag because I wasn’t playing music I liked. I was learning what the teacher wanted me to study. And I was practicing out of force by my parents. It became a frequent battle that ultimately led me to quit lessons.
The good thing is that I had at least learned enough so I was able to teach myself songs I wanted to learn from that point onward. Once I had control to learn what I wanted, my desire to get better increased. And I really started enjoying piano again.
It really takes wanting to do something from within and enough autonomy to stick with it long-term.