Divorce is one of the worst destroyers of wealth. May you never have to go through one. Love birds beware. The following is a guest post from Financial Samurai reader and medical doctor, Xrayvsn. A divorced ruined his life but he clawed his way back.
Divorce.
Few words in the English language can elicit as negative a visceral response as that of divorce.
Despite its increasing prevalence in society, stories of divorce and the subsequent impact on one’s finances are rarely discussed in the personal finance community.
Like the subject of money, there seems to be an unspoken rule that divorce is a taboo subject and should not be discussed by members of polite society.
I think that by keeping stories of divorce, along with the financial and emotional tolls that accompany it, private, we are losing a wonderful opportunity to benefit the greater good.
Years and years of savings and investing can disappear in a blink of an eye, leaving a divorcee reeling and in a financial tailspin.
Because it is often not talked about publicly, many individuals feel isolated and have the daunting task of rebuilding their lives without guidance.
In a hope to break this cycle of silence and isolation, I share the story of my divorce and the emotional and financial roller coaster I was put on so that someone in a similar predicament can gain solace there is indeed light at the end of a seemingly endless dark tunnel.
The Most Contested Divorce Ever
“This was the most contested divorce I have ever presided over.”
That is certainly not a line you ever wish to hear from a very senior chancery judge as he is announcing the divorce decree.
Unfortunately that was exactly what I heard that day, and I have no doubt that it was the truth, for every person I have since shared this story with has agreed that mine was indeed a divorce for the ages.
Find A Nice Indian Girl To Marry
My cultural background is Indian and although I am about as “Americanized” as you can get, having come to the US during my first year of life, the traditions from that culture were pervasive throughout my childhood, courtesy of my parents.
My father was a physician (Internal Medicine) who married my mother almost sight unseen as part of an arranged marriage.
Arranged marriages are steeped with Indian tradition dating back hundreds of years.
Marriage in the old country was often looked at as a business arrangement as families sought to combine with other families to maintain or improve their stature in society.
Arranged marriage worked out for my parents as they had a long and happy marriage of 19 years until my dad passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 50.
Fast-forward now a little over a quarter of a century after my first steps on American soil and you now find me entering my final year of radiology residency.
Although there have always been casual talks from my mother about me “finding some nice Indian girl to marry” for several years prior, it was the fact that I was about to become a “real doctor” that seemed to serve as a wakeup call for her.
Finding The Suitable Life Partner
I truly believe that my mother felt once some real doctor money started rolling in I would be lost to the lifestyle associated with it and the likelihood that she would have an Indian daughter-in-law would be severely reduced.
My mother then enlisted the help of “her global network” to actively try and find me a suitable girl to marry before the opportunity slipped away.
This global search finally produced what they deemed a “suitable match” for me.
This girl was two years younger than me, who was brought up in England and, like me, was a physician (somehow I think this was the only criteria it took for the matchmakers to give their endorsement even though they said they matched our birth horoscope charts as well).
Trying to appease my mother, I reluctantly agreed to see where this could possible take me.
We communicated for approximately three months through emails and phone calls and then it was decided that we should meet in person.
Originally we had both agreed that this would be a no-pressure introduction.
I had expressed concern previously over the phone with her that I would likely be subject to intense pressure from both our families to go ahead and proceed with the marriage from the very first moment we met.
She assured me that this would not be the case.
Related post: Wedding Rules To Follow If You Don’t Want To End Up Broke And Alone
Tying The Arranged Knot
It was the one-year anniversary of 9/11 when she arrived on American soil.
Members from both families descended to my home and promptly placed me in a pressure cooker type situation, imploring me to go ahead and proceed with the first step of an Indian marriage by undergoing a formal registration with her.
I reluctantly caved in to this pressure and not only were we officially registered later that week, but soon after we officially entered the bond of marriage on November 1st, less than two months from our initial meeting.
I was 31 years old and she was 29 at the time.
Unlike fairytales where the protagonist gets rewarded for taking a leap of faith, my leap caused me to jump off a cliff without a parachute.
Trouble In Paradise
Early in the marriage there were troubling signs that cropped up that made me doubt the veracity of this person being a “perfect match.”
I had arranged for her to start in my radiology residency program by agreeing to stay on as faculty during the course of her training (four years).
Things that I will not elaborate on happened however and, within two months of starting this coveted radiology residency spot, she was dismissed from the program.
This created much strife between us as I had vouched for her in the first place and the unceremonious way she was ejected from the program left her with much disdain, primarily directed at me as I continued to have success in my career.
Throughout the remainder of the marriage she would try numerous times to get back into any residency program, regardless of specialty, but was always denied due to the black marks that were now plastered all over her medical records.
Started A Family
Family members, and myself, thought that perhaps starting a family could take her mind off her career troubles and she could instead move on by concentrating on being a mother.
Therefore in 2005 we welcomed our only child, a daughter, into the world.
I thought surely being a mother would give her a sense of renewed purpose in life and reduce the angst she felt of a medical career cut short.
I was mistaken. In fact things worsened as I saw more behavioral issues start to crop up in day-to-day life.
In Indian custom divorce is shunned upon and, as such, quite a rare occurrence. Because of this cultural pressure, I endured my marriage as long as I could.
Another reason why I tolerated such an awful marriage for as long as I did was because of my daughter.
I did not want her to be a product of divorce if I could help it.
It seemed however that even I could not withstand the depths that my marriage sank to, as the behavioral changes of my wife got increasingly problematic.
Related post: Financial Dependence Is The Worst: Why Each Spouse Should Have Their Own Funds
The Beginning Of The End
After eight years, which felt like pure hell, I decided that I could no longer remain married and I filed for divorce.
Part of the reason I decided to file was a close friend I confided in about the situation told me that I was actually causing more harm to my daughter by staying in an unloving and quite tumultuous marriage and having her witness it firsthand.
In February 2010 I officially signed the paperwork needed for divorce proceedings.
This act apparently woke up the sleeping giant that was my wife and a truly vindictive person emerged.
As was previously referenced, the divorce proceedings were lengthy and highly contentious.
My wife found an unscrupulous lawyer who saw me as having “deep pockets” being a successful physician in the community and between the two of them they fabricated so many allegations that I had to defend.
In this watered down version of what truly happened, all I can say is I had to defend myself across multiple court jurisdictions during these proceedings, including juvenile court and federal court, constantly being bombarded with the frivolous allegations this nightmare pairing of two people kept conjuring up.
Nothing stuck or held true with their accusations but since they never received any reprimand or financial disincentive, they continued to carry on unfazed.
Divorce And Finances
The divorce was finalized 13 months from the date of filing and required numerous lengthy hearings throughout.
Because of the lengthy and contentious nature of the divorce, just the legal fees I accumulated alone were staggering.
I was hemorrhaging money each month as all money coming in would be earmarked for my legal defense.
When all was said and done, the damage to my net worth breached $850k:
- $300k+ for my own attorney fees.
- The entire value of our 401k ($140k). The judge awarded her the entire amount to balance the $125k worth of shares I had in my office practice that I kept.
- The entire value of my Health Savings Account ($25k).
- Alimony for 3 years: $75,600.
- Child Support for 6 years before I gained custody of my daughter back: $151,200.
- Equity in two condominiums ($60k).
- $100k cash due 30 days after divorce decree to offset her legal costs.
By this time I had completely depleted my savings and had to pay using credit card access checks.
What I Was Left With After The Divorce
“Do you know why divorces are so expensive? Because they are worth it.” – Willie Nelson
I was left with the marital home which was underwater with respect to the mortgage balance due to the housing crisis that had just occurred as well as my student loan debt.
I wish I could say that I completely washed my hands off of my vindictive ex when I finally divorced her, but unfortunately her lawyer and her had one last parting shot at me that caused me to incur another $225k of expenses when all was said and done.
This brought the financial damages from this ill-fated arranged marriage over the 7-figure mark.
Climbing Back Up The Cliff With Broken Legs
I was truly financially devastated and, at the end of a very painful and emotionally intense chapter of my life, I was running on fumes.
I could have called it quits and fully complete the death spiral I was currently on (believe me I came close on more than one occasion).
But something kept a small spark going in me and that, coupled with the fact that I did not want to give my ex-wife any more satisfaction from seeing me fail, motivated me to pick myself up from the rubble and build anew.
I was about to turn 40 a month after my divorce was finalized.
I knew that I had to do something drastic that would allow me to retire at all, let alone early, as I was essentially starting from square one again.
Hitting Bottom And Rebounding
It was at this financial low point that I saw the financial light.
I developed a keen interest in personal finance, frequenting sites such the Bogleheads, and later Financial Samurai.
I would voraciously read through personal finance books that helped shed light on the financial mistakes I have made in the past so I would not repeat them in the future.
As I employed the tried and true methods championed by these personal finance giants, I not only saw my net worth grow to its pre-divorce levels, but I quickly saw it surpass it by leaps and bounds.
The best revenge on someone who has caused you harm is to show that person that, despite his or her best shot at you, you not only survived but are now flourishing.
Focused On My Personal Finances
I decided to throw all extra cash coming into my household to pay down what remaining debt I had, and became completely debt free April 2015.
I was especially proud of this achievement, as it was just a mere 4 years after I had just experienced my financial lowest point.
By following the principles of saving, living below your means, and avoiding lifestyle creep, I positioned myself to my current financial standing where many would say I have already achieved financial independence status at the age of 47.
I have shared a version of this story on my blog as part of my multipart series, “I Made Every Mistake In The Book” and have received so much love and support from that particular post that I thought others may receive similar benefit.
I therefore opened my platform for readers to share their divorce stories (anonymous or not) in the Divorce and Fire series I created.
Every participant has written back to me expressing the gratitude of being able to release something that he or she had been bottling up inside as well as from receiving encouraging words of support from other commentators.
Advice Before Getting Married
1) Be on the same financial page. It is of utmost importance to find a life long partner that has your same financial beliefs. If one is a saver and the other is a spender you will never make any financial headway, much like a colander will never fill with water despite how much you pour into it.
2) No shame in a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement should be strongly considered, especially if one partner is bringing in a disproportionate amount of assets into the marriage of if there are prior children involved (“blended marriage”).
3) Seek premarital financial counseling. Premarital financial counseling may help bring to light concerns from both parties that can be addressed prior to combining finances.
4) Do not cave into familial/cultural pressures. You are the one that will be living day to day with this person, not them. By trying to appease others like I did, you are putting your own emotional health at risk if you were forced into something you felt inside was wrong.
Know that even the picture-perfect couple likely has something going on with them. Take, for example, Mr. Money Mustache, an acclaimed personal finance blogger who has consistently written for years how his life was so awesome. He’d try and get on as many documentaries, tv shows, and article publications as possible to build a cult of followers.
Yet, behind closed doors, his marriage was falling apart and he announced a divorce. This was despite having a still highly impressionable pre-teen son. Please don’t get fooled by all the curation of perfect lives you see online. They never tell the full story.
Thanks for reading. -Xrayvsn
Protect Your Wealth From Divorce
A divorce is the biggest wealth destroyer. To protect your wealth, it’s best to monitor your wealth with a free financial tool like Personal Capital. With Personal Capital, you can track your expenses, x-ray your investments for excessive fees, and better plan your retirement cash flow.
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Readers, anybody go through a contentious divorce? What are some lessons you’ve learned? What would you do over again besides never marrying that person? Is marriage overrated? Female perspectives more than welcome!
Related: The Cost Of Raising Many Children Isn’t Just The Money
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Anyone here know what a Maglite is? You should look up what happened to the inventor of those flashlights. He didn’t marry the woman he was living with, but she sure managed to divorce rape him as if he had! The info is on the Internet.
Just another reason to not have a steady woman in your life whether you marry her or not. Take heed young men!
#MGTOW!
I got married at 24, divorced at 31, and the only way I managed to come out relatively unscathed is by opening a “Company” that deals in financial assets. On the day of our divorce I had 500k USD worth of shares belonging to a “Company” and not myself and thus saved myself from declaring them as they did not belong to “me”. I never saw a divorce coming but its always better to protect yourself since day one. Better a pre-nup and a trust that owns a company than years of pain and depression. If someone loves you, then will still love you prenup, trust and company included.
Remember the lawyers make more monry the longer it drags out. They have an incentive to keep it nasty and punitive and some are sociopathic and do not care about anything other than their bottom line. Try to find a lawyer who practices collaborative family law if you can. Of course a vindictive spouse is another beast in itself.
I want to share my story for those who believe that divorce and alimony only apply to men paying women. I am a female school teacher, and what they say about school teachers is true, we do not make impressive incomes. However, in my divorce case, I am paying ridiculous amounts every month in alimony for life, my pension, my supplemental account for working above contractual duties, my sick days, my life insurance, my annuities, a large lump sum as an “equalizing” payment….I am sure I have left something out. I don’t even get my share of his Social Security retirement. Our Family Law is outdated and punitive. The one with the most ruthless lawyer wins.
The more ruthless attorney absolutely wins regardless of facts in the case. The legal/judicial system makes a difficult situation exponentially worse.
Very true. Marriage has no upsides to it for a man. Generally, it’s a matter of status for women to be married and not feel “left out”. People change over the course of years and circumstances. For one party to continue receiving benefits just because a relationship was dissolved is ludicrous. It’s merely a means of transfer of wealth abetted by the illegal system. Debtor’s prisons were abolished but seems like they have found a way around it.
You are right in stating that the word contract should be added because interestingly your obligations don’t end after the dissolution of a relationship. There are rarely any penalties for a woman. A good way to keep your wealth is to keep it.
I am a female school teacher paying ridiculous amounts of alimony for LIFE, my pension, my supplemental account earned for working extra duties above those which are contractual, my life insurance, annuities, he even took my sick days.
The current legal system is outdated and punitive to those who have worked hard and awards those who have not. I had no agreement with my ex that he be a “stay at home” parent. He was just a complete mollusk and continues to be so even though we are divorced. For me it is not a gender issue. It is a moral issue. If you are a mentally and physically capable individual, it is your obligation to stand on your own two feet. We are an entitled culture and it is never so clearly depicted as it is in Family Court.
Anytime you hear the work marriage add the word contract to the end of it. Marriage by itself represents romanticised fantasy. When you say marriage contract then it is more apparent what marriage represents: a legal contract. This legal contract entitles a person with a vagina to take continuously take resources from a man without an obligation to provide anything in return. She can even sleep with other men if she wants to.
I am a female school teacher and am stuck paying ridiculous amounts for life! It is no longer a gender issue. My lovely ex-husband gets my pension, my life insurance, my supplemental account for working extra duties above contract, my sick days, a lump sum as an “equalizing” payment, and monthly alimony in ridiculous amounts with no end date.
Thoughts on Mr. Money mustache getting a divorce? It seems strange that for a guy who writes about intentional living and living his best life while being frugal but making millions of dollars and having financial freedom did nothing to save his marriage. It’s not like he had a stressful job or lacked finances. He’s always trying to get on TV and in the newspapers for more fame.
Now it seems like once he has gotten really rich and famous, he decided to divorce his wife similar to JD Roth and get rich slowly once he made millions selling his site.
Heartbreaking about MMM… Truly is. I’ve spend many years reading Pete’s work and am saddened to hear the direction the marriage ended up going. I remember recently reading that he left the house to her, and bought property nearby so that he can continue being close to his kid and living the frugal lifestyle. Just absolutely heartbreaking seeing the all-too-common scenario of men being kicked out of the family home.
But I will say this– as a 29 y/o single male… I realize my numerous shortcomings as a man. I am not better than MMM, Xrayvsn, or countless other great men that have gone through the grinder. Seriously, I am probably never going to be as patient, loving, caring, or any of those other traits as many great and wonderful men before me. I’m selfish and don’t care about anybody other than me. I AM NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL. I’m honest about it. There is no way a woman will tolerate me long-term. But there is satisfaction in being honest with myself. I just like to be left alone and have the least amount of obligation as possible. I find beauty in simplicity.
That being said– if maybe a decade+ from now I think I’ve matured enough to have children, I see myself paying out of pocket for top-of-the-line genetics thru egg donation, and the rest being paid out for a surrogate. Similar to what Cristiano Ronaldo did to get his 2 boys. I know it’s not whats advocated generally, but again, I know my shortcomings and see exactly how it plays out for me long-term. I will learn from Xrayvsn, MMM, Jeff Bezos, and many other countless men and accept the objective reality that I AM NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL.
Most divorces are due to finances, followed by infidelity. If Mr. MMM actual practiced what his preaches on his blog then they might have been living like well below their means. Mrs MMM may have gotten sick of the constant frugality for frugality sack and sent him packing ( most divorced are initiated by the wife fyi). If thats the case MR. MMM is more in love with himself than his family…… Or maybe someone was giving extra marital mustache rides
Thank you for sharing. I really needed this as I have felt I am the only one going through such a horrible divorce. My ex as used every strategy in the book including launching the atomic bomb in divorce proceedings.
I’m so sorry you are going through it. I wouldn’t want to wish my story on anyone (well made the opposing lawyer and my ex).
It was a terrible time in my life and even when it was over it took a long time to pick myself back up emotionally.
I wish you get to end this part of your life and start a new and happier chapter. Keep me posted and you always have someone to turn to because it really does help when someone lent me their ear.