Do you have the fear of being alone forever? I never have because I’ve always been with someone since 14. However, the older I get, the more I meet people who are still single in their 30s and 40s. That fear of being alone forever grows.
When I went to Switzerland this summer I had plenty of time to contemplate living life alone. There was nobody to call in Zurich to hang out with until the wee hours of the morning.
I couldn’t share a walk along the romantic Chapel Bridge at sunset in Lucerne. Nor could I experience with someone the amazingly steep Mt. Pilatus Railway that arrives at the top of Obwalden. Every experience is locked up in my memory. What a shame words nor pictures can do them justice.
The Fear Of Being Alone Hit Me
Although a week of traveling alone isn’t a long time period at all, I’ve realized I fear being alone as much as I fear being broke. I did everything I could after high school to make sure I wouldn’t have to depend on anybody to survive. I’m not sure I can say the same for finding companionship since my family has always been there. It’s like I’ve taken them for granted. I’ve also never not been in a relationship since college as luck would have it.
If I didn’t take companionship for granted, I’d probably be a nicer, more patient person. I’d probably exercise more and eat less lemon meringue pie. I might even try and learn some jokes. Alas, I’ve got a ways to go.
Popping over to Mallorca after Switzerland with nine other people in a villa only buttressed such fears of loneliness. We literally went out every single night to unspoken amounts of fun. We’d sleep in the next morning, make us some jamon with slices of honeydew by the pool for brunch, hit the clay courts after and then relax on a nearby beach before going out all night again.
It was one extreme to another, neither of which I could handle for an extended duration of time. But if I were to choose, I would select being surrounded by interesting people any day.
Relationships Are Straight Forward
If you fear being alone forever, then you must work on your emotional intelligence. We want to spend as much time with someone who likes us as much as we like them. Unfortunately, the pain is unbearable when you discover the other side doesn’t feel the same.
This simple concept is scalable to practically everything that involves another person. As a landlord, I get a huge urge to want to select a prospective tenant who just crows on about how much she loves the place.
At work, all I want to do is sing someone’s praises if they sing back. You can see the harmony demonstrated every time a maitre d greets her regulars. There’s something about reciprocity that generates so much positive energy.
It’s not fair to say that there’s someone out there for everyone if you are already with someone. Yes there are billions of people on Earth, but that just makes folks feel worse when they’ve got nobody.
Break Out Of You Comfort Zone
Traveling has allowed me to re-kindle old relationships and discover new relationships I never thought possible. Traveling takes us out of our comfort zone and forces us to speak to other people much in the same way as a new kid does at school.
For those of you who are able to travel for extended periods of time alone, I’d love to know how you do it. One suggestion given to me by a nomadic traveler was to stick to hostels. Hotels simply close you off to the world, while hostels open you up to endless possibilities. What else?
What about those of you who are more introverted by nature. What are some of things that allow you to enjoy the silence? I understand being an introvert doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with someone. I’m just trying to get some perspective to tame my restless soul.
Perhaps the problem is that I never got to be a crazy 20-something year old after college because I was so busy working so I didn’t have to work forever. It’s as if I grew up too fast and am trying to make up for things now. Does anybody feel the same way? Do you fear being alone forever?
Updates Of Fear Of Being Alone Forever
Update 2/3/2015: I no longer feel lonely. I’m working three consulting jobs and keeping myself busy. It just feels lonely traveling alone for eight weeks. It’s too much! I’ll keep the traveling alone limit to three weeks next time.
Update 11/26/2016: Reading this post now is pretty interesting because I haven’t felt alone since I traveled to Switzerland and Mallorca since the summer of 2013. I went on that trip to find myself. It was one of those passages one goes through after leaving their occupation of 13 years.
Update 2021: My life is full of companionship because I had a son in 2017 and a daughter in 2019. Every day is an adventure. I don’t fear being alone forever. I do sometimes wish my kids would love me more sometimes!
Now, not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for having broken free from the corporate grind. All the sacrifice to get here was worth it. I’m so happy I started this site back in 2009 when the world was falling apart. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d be here, absolutely free to do whatever. I’ve got a loving family and a business that allows me to be present.
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You really have to go out of the United States to find love since most women are certainly so much nicer and very easy to meet, unlike the women in America that are so very horrible and very stuck up altogether. A real bunch of total losers as well.
Well lets face it since it really does take two too tango these days which many of us men really can’t blame ourselves to begin with since most of the women of today unfortunately are nothing at all like the women in the past were since they were the very complete opposite of what these women are today which really speaks for itself right there. Quite a change in the women of today that is for sure which makes it very sad as well. It definitely would’ve happened if many of us good men had been born back then for those of us that really wanted to get married and have a family since many of us today unfortunately still don’t have that at all since many of us aren’t single by choice.
Hah! I’m reading this (and many other posts here on Financial Samurai) after discovering the site last week. This week? I’m traveling solo, taking a “mini-escape-vacation” by myself to Puerto Vallarta. I’m staying at a very nice, modern resort – that is populated 99% by vacationing couples. I believe I am one of *maybe* 3 single people staying here. Ugh. Talk about being the odd man out! But hey, it’s still gorgeous here and it certainly beats sitting in the cold Seattle rain back home…
Someone once said “it’s better to be alone, than to wish you were”. That’s very true. re: the “escape” comment above about this vacation – I’m here because my divorce just finalized in September 2016. This Thanksgiving was the first time without my family and my 2 kids (who are with their mom this year). The thought of being home alone during what was traditionally a very family-focused weekend was a bit too much to bear, so I escaped – and booked a solo trip to the sun instead.
What I realize as I sit here typing this while sitting on a deck on the beach, is that while yes, I miss my children (a LOT) and I miss the happier family Thanksgiving moments (there were plenty) – I do not miss the negatives of what had become a failed marriage. I’m “alone” at the moment, but I’m walking a path towards achieving the peace and happiness that eluded me in my marriage.
So instead of fearing your alone time, embrace it as an opportunity. Make the most of the time, and do the things you want to do. The loneliness will not last forever. :)
Welcome to my site! It was fun to re-read this post 3 years later. Traveling alone for 8 weeks was too much for me. 2-3 weeks is my limit next time. I did make the most of the 8 weeks. Had a blast. But it did make me appreciate more the people in my life even more.
I’m sorry about your marriage Brian. It sounds like you’re looking at the positives, which is great. I have some fears of becoming a father myself and wonder whether I’ll be any good, and whether my marriage will end just like so many other people I know once they have kids. Causation? Correlation? I have no idea.
Writing is very cathartic. Maybe you’d like to share your story on FS? I have an entire category on Relationships here that has done a lot of souls good.
Sam
Related: Things I’ll Teach My Daughter: Pay Attention To A Guy’s House Instead Of His Car
It would be very hard for us Good single men to meet a woman today that is old fashioned since they really Don’t exist anymore which is a very Excellent Reason why we really could be Alone forever Unfortunately.
Yes, living abroad can make you realize how dependent you are on others for happiness. I stayed in Zurich for 6 months, and it was very difficult due to not having friends that shared my American/Midwestern values and the “coldness” of the culture there. This may be beside the point if you were there for 8 weeks, but I can relate to coming back home and having a newfound appreciation for parents, family, etc. At one point I was abroad for a stretch of 1.5 years and I had lost a lot of confidence and self-worth, primarily I believe because there was no one around who really cared about me.
On a different note, school is a great avenue to live in other countries and travel: you have a “legitimate” reason for being abroad and a structured program to help you integrate with other foreigners, find housing, and navigate local registration. Perhaps there are similar programs that don’t need to take place in the context of a university (e.g. local foreign language classes).
I studied in Singapore and Zurich during undergraduate engineering, and then did a master’s in engineering in Shenzhen all through top 10 engineering schools. My point is, you don’t have to sacrifice good instruction, (though I did voluntary sacrifice my GPA..).
Hey Sam – I did a long trip solo (over 2 years). I’ll preface it by saying that at home, I usually surround myself with friends.
You ask how we handle it. It’s really a different mindset. You have to become exceedingly comfortable alone and then you get to a place where you leave yourself open to everything and while the majority of people that come your way will be forgotten, I found that you make some really amazing friends and have some incredible romances when you’re in that travelling mindset.
BTW – I sent you an email, possibly went to spam. I stumbled on your blog by accident and I’m in a similar position to you, having achieved extreme early retirement and through some luck, having hit and exceeded that 200k number you mention. Check your spam filter – be interesting to chat before I hit the road again.
I feel the exact same way Sam. I worked hard through 20’s to save for early retirement and now I am a mere few months away from taking the plunge. I was lucky enough to travel a bit while working due to lenient schedules. I always stuck to hostels as well. Met some cool people that way. Being a worldwide traveler is the key! We all need a home to come back too, but nobody made a real for how long we can be away.
Hi Skye,
Thanks for sharing. How did you find this article? I’m always curious to know.
Congrats on being a few months away from early retirement! I did it for 2 years from 2012-2013 and it was great. I will NEVER regret that time.
Best,
Sam
Do you REALLY want to know how I found you? =P
I literally have been reading your articles for the past 2 weeks straight. I was initially linked from Mr. Money Mustache to your article here: http://www.financialsamurai.com/the-dark-side-of-early-retirement-risks-dangers/
Then, as I was reading, I got getting hot-linked to other articles! Before I knew it I had 20 tabs open! And the worst thing was that each of those articles had embedded links! So even if I finished reading one another five would pop up in its place. This article was literally the last one I read so I felt compelled to at least a comment.
PS, I am also an avid reader of Early Retirement Extreme. Preparation is key for something as life changing as early retirement!
That’s awesome! I’m glad I’ve been able to weaving some relevant and intriguing posts for readers to read. MMM and I have similar philosophies about early retirement, but I’m focused much more on readers making more money. It’s much harder to do. I’ve long thought about focusing more on simple things like extreme savings and such, b/c it’s much easier for readers to follow and do. But you can only save so much. MMM is probably making well over $50,000 a month from his site ironically by teaching people to be frugal.
Any tips for me or what else you’d like to read about?
Hope to have you around. You can sign up for my e-mail feed and monthly private newsletter.
Sam, I’m kind of feel bad because me thinks you had a bad time in Switzerland!!! I’m sorry to hear you were lonely out there. Having good company can really really make or break a trip. Robyn’s advice above is good for meeting people when going on trips alone. I wish you had gone to some of the festivals, I’m sure you would have met some awesome people from around the world.
Hi K, don’t worry about me. I enjoyed my time in Switzerland and the silence that went a long with it. It allowed me to think about things more deeply and appreciate more of everything around me.
This post really resonated with me because I love traveling and generally travel alone, enjoying my alone time. Occasionally I use the time for self-reflection, like when I was traveling around the country by myself for about 6 months. Okay, I wasn’t solely by myself. A friend met up with me for about 6 weeks, and other people I met adopted me so I’d spend a few days with them here and there. For some reason everyone wanted to feed me. :)
When I felt like company, I found it easily enough because most people are friendly if you just start to talk with them. Otherwise, I’d do whatever it was I felt like doing that day. If I wanted to stay in my campsite reading, I did. If I felt like hiking or visiting tourist spots, I’d do that instead. I love to travel alone because there are no set expectations on your time or activities and you can go and see what you’re really interested in seeing without compromising.
I sometimes travel with friends as well. I try to carefully choose other people who will like to see what I’m interested in who are similarly easy-going so there aren’t many conflicts or disappointments in what we see and do. We usually also try to make sure we have some breaks from each other so we don’t get on each other’s nerves and can go to see/do things that the others aren’t interested in at all.
I agree that staying in hostels is a great way to meet people if you’re traveling alone. It’s harder to meet people at a hostel if you’re traveling in a group because then it’s more intimidating for the other people staying there to talk to you, and they may not want to interrupt. I’ve met some amazing people in hostels, especially throughout Europe, and have even kept in touch with some of them.
I’ve also found that signing up for activities, like white water rafting and zip-lining, ends up throwing you in with a bunch of people. That also gives you a chance to talk to some locals and pick their brains about what’s good to see and do in the area. I even went out with one of my guides and spent a day on the beach with him afterward. Chatting with staff where you’re staying is also handy. If you hit it off with them, sometimes you end up with a good friend afterward as well.
Overall, if you are willing to talk to people and be friendly and personable, there’s never any reason to feel lonely even if you’re alone. You never know who you will meet and most people have some amazing stories to share, if you’re interested and willing to listen.
Sam, I really applaud you leaving yourself open with this one. I had to respond. Anxiety seems to increase when we’re alone (even if we have a partner) and everyone has their own brand of fears and anxieties. I traveled alone for a long time in my twenties, before I got married. Since then my spouse and I have traveled a lot.
There’s not easy answer to all of our fears, being alone, running out of money, getting hit by a car, losing our money etc.
When I was in my mid 20’s I put a lot of effort into finding a partner. I was sick of dating and although I wasn’t thinking “marriage” I wanted a decent boyfriend. By joining community organizations, going to singles activities, and creating a plan to meet as many men as I could, I came across my husband. I feel extremely lucky that my efforts led me to my perfect soulmate. Decades of marriage with plenty of arguing, disagreeing, compromising, joking, playing, working, and having fun have given me a wonderful gift.
I know you are creating an awesome life for yourself and handle with aplomb whatever comes your way! Just let the fears go when they creep in! And never believe anything your mind tells you late at night when you are tired:). Your pal, Barbara ps thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your thoughts Barb. I do want to tackle my fears head on. Much of this blog is about introspection so I and perhaps my readers can be better people.
There’s often a hidden meaning in my posts that tries to highlight the inconsistency of things. Hope all is well!
I’m terrible at traveling alone but I remember a trip to Paris I took with my brother once and how when we stayed at the hostel in the Montmartre section and how practically everyone in the hostel was there to meet friends and would hang out in the living room and cook group meals together. My brother and I got invited to hang but we had so much sightseeing to do we didn’t get a chance. Perhaps taking a slow vacation where there isn’t a lot of ground to cover gives you the better opportunity to mingle with the locals? When you have to see so much in a short amount of time, it doesn’t give you the chance to slow down and enjoy the small things.
Being alone is a critical part of growing up. Pity the person who has never learned how to survive on their own.
Only once you know who *you* are, are you ready to share that *you* with someone worth sharing it with. Use places, people, things, whatever it takes, to discover that *you* because until you do, you’re going to be useless to the person you want to be with.
The only thing worse than not knowing that *you* is to find the person you want to be with, but not having discovered yourself enough to realize it when it happens.
Keep searching, but search within yourself first.
I just got back from traveling alone. I joined a program for an outdoor adventure trip in Iceland and went by myself. I joined the program since I knew I would meet other people and in fact there were 4 other people in my age range so we hung out the whole time. I agree that traveling a lone can get lonely, I have back packed before, but staying hostels or doing programs where you will meet people helps a lot.
On a side note, the one real positive about traveling alone is you learn a lot about yourself. It will takes a lot of chahones to travel by yourself and you spend a lot of time thinking (may be good or bad).