Relationships Archives - Financial Samurai

Things I’ll Teach My Daughter: Pay No Attention To A Guy’s Fancy Car And More

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Father and daughter walking on the beach

Back in 2016, I wrote this post expecting I was going to have a daughter. Therefore, I started thinking about the various things I’d teach her growing up wrapped around personal finance.

I was nervous about how to be a first-time dad, especially to a daughter. I had one friend in her early-30s perpetually go in and out of terrible relationships. The last thing I wanted was for my future daughter to go through 15 years of breakups.

Instead of having a daughter, we had a son in 2017. Therefore, my thoughts were shelved until the end of 2019, when our daughter finally arrived. Hooray!

I’d like to revisit this topic and offer additional points. But first, a story.

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Solving The Housing Affordability Crisis By Providing Subsidized Housing

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I’ve got an efficiency idea that could do my community some good: Provide subsidized housing to those who may need it the most. Given times are more difficult during a pandemic, being able to provide affordable housing may be very beneficial.

The remodeling in my new home is almost done. I could move into my new home and rent out my old home for a lower rate to help ameliorate the housing affordability crisis in San Francisco.

With the median house price at roughly $1.6 million and the median rent for a two-bedroom apartment at roughly $4,400, it is very hard for teachers and other essential workers to live in the City.

Spending at most 30% of your gross income on housing is usually what determines your affordable housing. Therefore, a teacher would need to earn roughly $128,000 a year just to afford a $3,200, one-bedroom apartment.

Given the average teacher’s salary in San Francisco is closer to $70,000 – $80,000, what ends up happening is that teachers either rent a room in a multi-bedroom apartment, rent a studio, live 30-60 minutes away, share a space with a partner, or do a combination of the above.

Without affordable housing, it’s hard to retain teachers over the long term. With higher turnover, our children and our communities tend to suffer.

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A Lack Of Emotional Intelligence Is Costing You A Fortune

Posted by Financial Samurai 44 Comments

Recently, I’ve been daydreaming about life before COVID-19. As an extrovert, I generally enjoy plenty of human interaction. However, sometimes, I come across folks who completely lack emotional intelligence.

When I come across such folks, I immediately begin to wonder what happened? Is the lack of emotional intelligence a parental failure? Is it a failure of the school system? Or is a lack of emotional intelligence genetic, no matter how much tutelage one gets? Please tell me if you know the answer!

Let me share three examples of how a lack of emotional intelligence cost these people some money. One example also cost a friendship.

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Increase The Value Of Your Professional Network By Befriending These Five Archetypes

Posted by Financial Samurai 21 Comments

Your professional network is incredibly valuable in order to get ahead. With a strong professional net work, you will have more professional and personal opportunities. More people will root for you and want to support you. This posts shares how you can increase the value of your professional network.

For 10 years I acted as a mentor to incoming analysts or associates at one of the two investment banks I worked for.

Being a mentor was rewarding and a way to help younger folks navigate the often terrifying waters of a cutthroat work environment.

One of the main pieces of advice I gave was this: You should spend as much time selling yourself internally as you do externally. 50/50.

What I noticed during my career was that those who zoomed up the corporate ladder always seemed to have the strongest networks, regardless of whether or not they were the best producer.

The majority of people hate to network. They believe hard work is enough to get ahead. Unfortunately, from a career and financial perspective, networking is vital if you want to outperform.

There is no true meritocracy.

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Dear Minorities, Use Racism As Motivation For Achieving Financial Independence

Posted by Financial Samurai 108 Comments

When I was a kid, I used to be very combative when it came to fighting racism. Part of the reason had to do with attending international schools in Asia until I was 14.

Kids from all over the world can get pretty nasty towards each other along racial lines, even though you’d think the opposite might happen in a diverse group.

I took up martial arts and learned ways to cripple my opponents in a fight if necessary. It’s just in my personality to stick up for myself and others, even if it means going to the hospital or jail.

It’s easy to dismiss racism as no big deal if you’re not a minority. You don’t experience the same slights, perceived or otherwise, that frequently come your way. It happens at work, or in the grocery store, or on an airplane, or when you’re standing in line anywhere minding your own business.

Over time you become inured to the insults, but the sting never goes away. It just gets buried. You move on.

Now that I’m an adult who has gone through the system to finally have enough to live life on my own terms, people have stopped pissing me off as much.

I don’t have to kiss someone’s ass to get ahead, nor do I have to sacrifice any shred of dignity to make more money. I’ve really got nothing to complain about, so I don’t.

But when I see bullshit incidences like when a white woman called the cops on a black man after he simply asked her to leash her dog in Central Park or when a white police officer murders a black man by placing his knee on his neck for over five minutes after he cries out multiple times for help, I am outraged!

These types of situations keep happening over and over again. We need to make our voices heard. We need to share our experiences. We need to make people accountable for their actions.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a black man living in America, but I do want to share some perspective on what life is like as an Asian minority living in America. Racism was a big reason why I decided to save so much and aggressively work on my passive income streams.

The desire to have absolute choice and be beholden to no one was and still is a huge motivating factor.

I hope by sharing my experiences with racism others will share their own experiences as well. Ultimately, I hope to encourage those with racist tendencies to realize how much their actions hurt others so they can finally stop.

Every single hateful encounter I experience offline or online is from someone who has something difficult going on with their financial or personal lives. I believe that if more people at least can get their financial lives in order, some of their hate for others will slowly melt away.

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You Will Always Regret Sacrificing Love For Money

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You Will Regret Sacrificing Love For Money Almost All Of The Time

My old boss, let’s call her Lana, who is now my friend, invited me to her house party. It wasn’t her house, but her new boyfriend’s house. I was thrilled for her because, at 54, she had gone most of her post-college life without a steady boyfriend.

She graduated with honors from Columbia University and then received her MBA from Dartmouth. For the next 30 years, she worked 60+ hours a week to climb the ranks at Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, and then Morgan Stanley.

In 2002, at age 37, she made Managing Director and continues to be a big wig on Wall Street today. I wouldn’t be surprised if she regularly clears at least $1.5 million dollars a year.

When I first met Lana, she was the most focused and intense woman I had ever met. Even after going through 50+ interviews with various people on the floor and interviewing with her twice, she still wanted to interview me one last time over coffee. She was meticulous. She also correctly suspected I was a misfit who might not fit the firm’s culture.

Although she grilled me like a wagyu burger, we became friends. I think our Chinese heritage helped us connect.

She would tell me about her ski trips to Whistler or to the Swiss Alps where she randomly met some guy. She always beamed with joy when she’d talk about her encounters. She’d shed her image of a hard-charging Vice President and seem like a school girl falling in love for the first time.

After one trip, I remember her telling me she’d met a Tunisian gentleman, whom I immediately started referring to him as “The Tasmanian,” an ode to the Tasmanian Devil who had swept her off her feet. Unfortunately, that relationship lasted for only six months because it was too hard to maintain a long-distance relationship.

When I caught up with Lana at her new boyfriend’s house party, she told me she was finally incredibly happy. I asked her if she could rewind time back to when we first met in 1999 what would she do differently.

She responded, “I would have absolutely focused as hard on my love life as I did on my career. I was so focused on making Managing Director as a female person of color that I overly sacrificed my personal life. Once I made Managing Director, I felt like I had to work even harder to prove my worth. As you know, the higher you go in finance, the more at risk you are of being cut.“

Lana went on, “I have all the money I will ever need. But for about 20 years, I didn’t have anybody to share it with. It felt pointless working so much. Yes, I was able to spoil my mother by taking her out to the nicest restaurants and bring her on amazing vacations, but it’s different you know? I would be willing to give up all of my wealth just to have found someone like my current boyfriend 20 years ago.”

I told Lana that I empathized with her situation. I, too, was overly focused on my career in my 20s and early 30s. I was so focused on getting promoted that I sacrificed my happiness and health. At least with Lana, she made MD.

Because of my focus on career, I didn’t propose to my girlfriend until 10 years after I met her. I couldn’t propose without feeling like I was on the right career path. And because I proposed so late, we only had our first child in 2017, 19 years after our first meeting.

I went from one extreme of working intense hours for 13 years to another extreme of leaving work behind so young. Having a more balanced work / love life probably would have been better.

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Love or Career: Which Is More Important?

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How do you choose between love or career? Both could last a lifetime, but perhaps not simultaneously. Yet some lucky people find and manage both beautifully. Which is more important in the long run? Let’s study an example of one woman’s struggle deciding between love or career. Her name has been changed for privacy.

Sacrificing Love For Your Career

Linda shines at Davis Polk & Wardwell, one of our nation’s most prestigious law firms. Just eight years after Yale Law School, at the age of 34, Linda achieved her life long dream of making partner.

At last I have arrived, Linda first thought to herself. She spent countless hours in school studying late at night to get perfect grades and build a perfect resume. That was five years ago.

One day while working on an important case, Linda walked by the pantry only to overhear her associates whisper about her. She couldn’t quite catch everything they said. But phrases such as, “She’s almost 40,” and “Is she still single?” zinged her ears.

Never one to doubt herself, Linda kept going for the rest of the week. This case is my priority; it’s my mission, she kept saying in her head. Her clients are fighting a hostile takeover from a competitor, and it’s her job to defend them.

Breaking Down And Feeling Lonely

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If You Love Your Spouse, You’d Make Them Financially Independent

Posted by Financial Samurai 83 Comments

If you love your spouse, you’d make her financially independent.

Depending on someone for money is a terrible feeling. Imagine being a grown adult still living at home with your parents. Every time you go out, you’ve got to ask them for a couple bucks to buy a loaf of bread or more likely, beer money to hang out with your buddies.

Now imagine marrying someone, giving up your job to raise a family, and being entirely dependent on your working spouse for all your spending needs. A common situation, but is it ideal?

It’s one thing to depend on someone for money as a kid. It’s another thing to be dependent on someone as an adult after getting a college education and marketable work skills.

For all this talk about the desire for financial independence, it’s odd that some couples aren’t willing to establish separate financial accounts to allow each other more freedom.

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How To Get Your Super Motivated Boyfriend to Marry You

Posted by Financial Samurai 70 Comments

Kaneshiro Takeshi = Super Motivated Boyfriend

A super motivated boyfriend is great. There’s just one problem, you might have trouble locking him down.

“Why won’t he marry me?” pops up a lot nowadays. Seemingly beautiful, smart women can’t find the love of their lives, and when they do, they can’t lock them down.

Women have it tougher today. It amazes me how some can juggle career and motherhood so well. Those who do deserve a gold star because there are only so many hours in a day.

What’s less talked about is the pressure society puts on men to succeed. Women need to know that men have it rough too. Society expects us to provide, and provide some more!

Ever since I was a kid, my parents stressed the importance of education, so that I can make enough money to support a family and support them. The pressure was latent, but immense making each poor grade or non-promotion that much more stressful. When you’re a teenage boy, frankly all you want to do is chase girls and not plan out the next two decades of your life!

The Super Motivated Boyfriend (SMB) is a curious being. He is a potential gem to any women out there with enough polishing.

Polish him too much and he loses his edge and rolls away. It’s important to understand his ambitions, for once you do, wedding bells won’t be far away!

Five Ways To Get Your Super Motivated Boyfriend To Marry You

1) SMB’s Are Insecure.

SMB’s are terrified of failure given the massive amount of expectations placed upon them since they were kids. The more education they receive (i.e. grad school), the more time and money spent, and the more is expected of them to become great successes.

Some SMB’s are late bloomers, which is even worse because they are playing catch up with peers who’ve already checked all the boxes growing up. Beware of the late bloomer SMB!

Action: Be selfless in your support, no matter how silly his goals are. SMB’s need constant reinforcement that they are doing the right thing, even though you think they’re not.

2) SMB’s Set Target Ages For Achievement.

A classic target age is 30. Where many women shoot to marry by 30, the SMB generally has some type of monetary, or career goal they must achieve by then. SMB’s are often told that by the time they’re 30, they’ll have either made it, or failed completely. Talk about pressure!

What’s important to realize is that the closer your SMB is to 30 without much to show for, the less he’ll likely want to marry you. The other typical age targets are 35, 40, and 45. It’s important to find out what his age anchors are.

Action: Assess whether you think he’ll reach his dreams by 30, or whatever his age anchor may be. If you don’t think he is going to become a Vice President in his firm by then, you should either dump him while you’re still young, or reset your marriage expectations by the corresponding years you think it’ll take for him to reach his goals. The choice is yours.

3) SMB’s Have Big Ego’s, Stroke Wisely.

Despite being insecure, SMB’s often come across as overly confident. Because they’ve been working towards their one goal for so long and with so much effort, any person who doesn’t share their passion will be scoffed at.

It may be the simple smirk during a conversation, or the brush off during an initial meeting once they find out what the other guys does. SMB’s believe they are the best thing since sliced bread and have superiority complexes.

Action: Realize that a lot of his ego is born out of his insecurities. Give your boyfriend constant reinforcement, while complimenting him on his successes. There will always be some other colleague of his who gets paid more, or gets promoted before him, so make him feel like he’s doing a great job.

4) SMB’s Like To Play The Field.

The deadliest SMB is the good looking SMB. He’s confident, motivated, and makes women other than yourself swoon. Meeting a career-oriented, highly motivated man is attractive enough. Add on good looks and it’s game over! The hot SMB is hardest to lock down.

Because they are insecure and know they are handsome, they need even more reinforcement than you can give him. He also needs the attention of other fine ladies who will oooh and ahh at his stature and success.

Action: Let him loose, or else he will resent you. All men have the insatiable desire to flirt with women. You may think you are only innocently inquiring about his whereabouts through your constant texting, but in his eyes every single inquiry is a nag.

The more you inquire, the more you nag, and the more he’s reminded of being in youth prison where his mom doesn’t allow him to go out and play!

5) Super Motivated Boyfriends Love Confident Women.

Nothing turns off SMB’s more than a woman who doesn’t know what she wants. If you’re the type of girl who always replies “you choose” when it comes to watching a movie, you have very little chance of becoming Mrs. SMB.

Part of the attractiveness of a confident woman is the counterbalance of an SMB’s own insecurities. SMB’s think subconsciously that if a strong, confident, sexy women wants to be with them, they must be doing something right with their lives.

Action: Have a core group of girlfriends you can always hang out with. He needs to know you can have fun without him. Tell him about your plans with other girls and never invite him. The more you spend time with your girlfriends, the more the SMB wants to spend time with you.

Don’t believe me? Next time you’re with your boyfriend, tell him that you are spending time with your girlfriends one Thursday and don’t ask him what he’s doing. He’ll come groveling to spend all the time he can with you when you return.

There’s nothing more attractive to an SMB than a women who can show her feminine side and kick butt in the board room.

Don’t Let Your Super Motivated Boyfriend Get Away

You may be the most loving girlfriend in the world, but if you don’t understand the pressures and milestone targets every SMB faces, you’re going to have an awfully difficult time locking him down. Having a SMB is both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, your SMB is so focused on making a name for himself that he loses sight of you. On the other hand, if your SMB finally achieves his goals with your support, he will not only emerge as a secure person, he will be forever grateful and want to take care of you forever!

How To Get A Rich Man To Be Your Husband

The New Rules For Engagement Ring Buying

The Average Net Worth For The Above Average Married Couple

This post was originally published on February 9, 2010. It has since been updated for 2020+. There’s nothing greater than having a partner to spend your life with, especially during difficult times.