Finding love gets harder the older you get. Our looks fade. Our patience wears thin. And eligible people are generally taken.
Finding love is a race against time. Don't think your beauty will last forever, because it won't. Don't think your ideal someone will always be out there because he or she will be locked down by another.
There is nothing better than finding someone you love and want to grow old with. As we all experience the plight of the global pandemic, having someone to go through difficult times is also great.
Love trumps money. Make sure you spend as much time seeking love as you do building wealth.
Finding Love Is Difficult
Tracy was 27 when I first met her playing co-ed softball in 2003. She always wore her skin-tight Lululemon shorts and all the guys would stare as she jutted her butt out in a proper stance every time she was at bat.
One game, she managed to get on base four times in a row. She was good! Tracy was a blend of German Puerto Rican ancestry and the guys just loved her, just like how every guy loves Jessica Alba.
After every game, the guys would swarm Tracy to try and get her attention. We’d always go to some bar afterward, and Tracy got all the free drinks and appetizers she wanted. It was evident that the rest of the girls were annoyed with all the attention Tracy was getting. Unfortunately, for them, they weren’t as attractive, so the guys really didn’t care. Shallow right?
Despite all her good looks, Tracy had one big problem. She lacked self-esteem. Whenever someone would complement her, instead of simply saying “thank you” and complement the person back, Tracy would look down to the ground and shy away.
Sometimes, she'd simply ignore him. Her silence often was construed as being bitchy unfortunately. It takes forever for her to open up, but when you finally get to know her more, you realize she’s a nice but incredibly dull person.
Some Background On Tracy
Tracy was a system administrator at a large insurance company where she made a respectable $85,000 a year. She’s been living with her same roommate from college since 2000 in a cozy two bedroom, one bathroom apartment for $1,800 a month – an absolute bargain in San Francisco.
Tracy and I kept in touch for several years until we just stopped communicating at one point in early 2008. I moved on with my life, and I assumed she did as well. It’s sad how we lose touch with acquaintances over time. But, that's what happens when life gets in the way. Maintaining relationships takes effort!
One afternoon, I ran into Tracy on my bus ride back from work. I was surprised because almost 4 years had passed since we last spoke. We started living up old times and I asked her what she was up to.
Surely, at 35 years old, she was seeing someone or was married by now I presumptuously thought to myself. Instead, she was still single and living in the same cozy apartment with her same roommate, who so happens to also be 35 and single.
We rode the bus to an area where we could get a drink and catch up for more than our 20 minute bus ride would allow. Somewhat embarrassed, Tracy told me that she hadn’t been on a date in one year after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. “We were good friends for 5 years until we decided to start dating. That lasted 6 months and now we don’t even talk,” Tracy lamented.
“I felt that once I turned 30, my life was over. Good looking guys slowly stopped talking to me and I can’t figure it out whether it’s because of my age, or because I can’t carry my own in a conversation,” Tracy went on to say. “Really old and gross guys who could be my father's age would start chatting me up. I hated it.“
Tracy still looked good, but I could tell she had definitely aged quite a bit from our days playing softball together. She wore heavy make up to conceal her wrinkles, which simply made her look even older. “You look great Tracy!” I told her, trying to cheer her up. She oozed an insecurity that would deflate the most helium-infused balloon. Even Bobo the Clown wouldn't be able to cheer her up. Her low sense of self-worth somehow made her unattractive.
Being Single Over 30
I don’t know what it’s like to be single in my 30s, but I’d have to imagine that as a guy with a job living in a big city like San Francisco, it could be pretty fun.
Yet with Tracy, she hates every minute of her 30s. She curses the city and her misfortune. She also curses 27 year old girls for taking all the good-looking, available men. Isn’t it ironic that she was that same girl 8 years ago who was despised?
“When I was 27, I got all the attention. I could have practically any guy I wanted. I took my youth for granted because everybody always treated nicely. I felt special and that’s all I’ve ever known. I know that I’m not unattractive, yet I don’t know why I don’t have more self-confidence. Now that I’m older, I have more self-confidence but I have less of a selection. Do I really have to go out with guys in their late-40s and 50s to find someone now?” Tracy asked.
I empathize with Tracy because guys seem to have more selection the older we get while women have less. At the same time, women always seem to prefer dating men that are the same age or older.
I remember my female friends in their 20s always look down upon guys their age or younger because they “weren’t mature enough.” Men, on the other hand are more open to dating younger and older women. As men age, we naturally have more of a selection because our pool gets bigger. Just imagine, when we are 100, we can date everyone!
A Small Window For Finding Love
According to Tracy, there really seems to only be a short 5-7 year window for a woman to find an ideal man before her opportunity fades. Tracy says she and her friends out of college wanted to experience the world, work on their careers and not be tied down by anything or anyone.
They knew they could have the pick of the litter, and only when they turned 27 did they think about settling down. What they didn’t realize was that their beauty would fade, and if they didn’t find someone by the time they were 30, it became exponentially harder to find their Prince Charming since he had already moved on to someone else, and maybe a younger someone, who is much more open to settling down.
With each year that passes, Tracy feels more and more lost. She used to joke about being a “Panther” in her 20s, locking down any man she wants with a simple demure look.
The Cougar Rises
At 35, she admits she’s now a “Cougar”, stalking her weak, older, less in shape victims. Tracy hasn’t lost hope she will one day meet the man of her dreams. She just now realizes that she should have had more confidence and taken advantage of her good looks while she was younger. Tracy is financially secure and has a good career, but she would give it all up to be young again and in love.
Update 11/3/2020: Tracy is now 44 years old and is dating someone. But due to he age, she has no children. She is still working and enjoys playing softball.
Related: The Ideal Age To Have A Baby
Readers, is life over for single women in their 30s like Tracy believes? Why do attractive women sometimes have a very difficult time finding a soul-mate? Do attractive people have a false sense of security? Have you ever treated someone differently because they were more attractive?
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Adele's song “Someone Like You” sums up this post perfectly.
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145 thoughts on “Finding Love Gets Harder As We Grow Older”
Just amazes me the BS post wall women tell each other to increase hopes where there is none available to increase it with. Post wall women who clicked on this should have clicked on factual government statics on this subject so they can move on with their lives and give up on finding happiness with a man. I promise that the men you have a chance with are not looking for you. The ones you do find are going to be un attractive in the looks department so if your low enough to settle for a man you will never look at in person and find attractive thats your only hope. Should have snagged that great guy when you had the chance like 15 20 years ago. You blew it. Single older men are happier being single than single older women in general. Feminism lied to you..
You nailed it.
Very independent women everywhere now, and they think their all that too.
Just look at all the wanna be barbie doll women that really do think they’re all that nowadays, but aren’t really at all to begin with. Total real losers altogether.
Funny how it use to be very easy finding love years ago when women back then didn’t have so many very high unrealistic expectations that they have now these days unfortunately. Most women are very greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky, and very money hungry now more than ever since it is only about them. So with many of these very pathetic women around now, of course it will be very hard for many of us single men to find love today as we get much older. And with most of these women being such real gold diggers these days, which certainly explains it all.
I think Tracys downfall was/is that she fell into the lie, that one needs a man to be happy.
The truth is: you don’t.
For most women it is the opposite, really. Look at studies and you will see that women suffer more often from depression and even die earlier when they are married!
For a lot of women life gets dramatically better, when they get older and realize that they do not need a guy in their life. Of course some (very loud) men on the internet do not want to hear that. You can find them everywhere preaching about “how bad women have become” and “how much they will regret not settling down when young”.
Do not buy into this!
If you so happen to find love with a great person that is awesome!
If you do not find someone who is nice and treats you with respect PLEASE do NOT “settle”! It will only bring you heartache and pain.
And the most important: stop believing your life’s central point lies in romance. Friends are at least as important as a romantic partner and it can be nice to share your life with someone.
— The same goes for men! —
Telling people they will be so lonely and they will so regret their decisions if not lowering their standards and choose someone will just set them up for misery.
I very much hope for Tracy that she will learn how much happier she is when letting go of this concept.
(For some women it might be the wish for children then desire for a man. Remember: you can have children without a man!)
You’re lying to yourself, they didn’t buy into any lie, the natural aspect of starting family kicked in, people who end up alone in their 40s and 50s are more likely to commit suicide or hoard cats which is a form of mental illness, you must be like her and trying to comfort yourself by convincing yourself that you don’t need a partner.
No you can’t, adopted kids may dump you and go search for their biological parents as they are not related to you and don’t carry any of your characteristics, I’ve seen many cases where adopted kids move away from foster parents to find their biological ones, for the last time, Stop trying to spin around nature to fill your delusional thoughts, you don’t win those, the best you can do is lie to yourself.
It is not true. As I recently just turned 30 and I am still single , i am starting to feel desperate. I cant even sleep at night. Most people i know are already married or at least a couple , while i ended a very long relationship 2 years ago cos i didnt want to marry him and i wanted to be alone for a while, only to find out later that i have no idea how to start over dating again , especially when most men around my age are already taken or looking for girls 5 yo younger than me.
Now i am terrified cos i am thinking that i will die miserable and alone with no kids and it is not easy to have a kid by urself and adopting isnt always a good option , cos this kid isnt ur blood so u cant know how things will turn out.
Meanwhile i agree that it is better to be single than to be with the wrong person or in a bad marriage, but being lonely isnt good at all. I am just 30 and i feel despair, cant even imagine how it will be even later when i wont be at all young anymore.
After all ,getting married by stupid love and split apart later will leave you at least with your kids , which i realized now , cos when i was younger i used to say i will never want to have kids.
The real problem is that most women are very picky nowadays, very selfish, greedy, spoiled, and very money hungry as well unfortunately. And a lot of women just want a rich guy instead of just settling down with an ordinary man, and can’t just accept him for who he really is.
you sound like a typical man
You almost nailed it. Maybe you made a little mistake? Instead of ” PEOPLE who end up alone” should be, WOMEN who end up alone? I know a ton of men in their 40’s and 50’s and none of them have ever shown even a tiny sign of unhappiness and certainly none of them have committed suicide.
Her comment reads to me that she has a red pill at her lips and is hesitating swallowing it. Pretty much a red pill rager in the making and soon.
Then again, so many women are Gay nowadays as well.
Holy smokes there are/is a lot of bad attitude, resentment, bitterness and gender-warfare going on in these comments. I considered writing my comment about the comments I’ve seen here, but I’ve thought otherwise.
So here are my thoughts instead. I’m 45 years old and have never in my life been more ready, prepared and eager to find a partner that will last. I’ve had relationships, but only one carried the slim prospect of marriage or an otherwise long-term commitment. That was on her. She was the classic emotionally unavailable, and eventually I had had enough. Ironic, as I’ve often been emotionally unavailable myself. I do not characterize myself that way any longer though. Intimacy is something I long for, unquestionably, despite being perfectly capable and content existing independently.
What is in the past however I’ve learned from it and I’ve grown in the meantime from my experiences and have worked incredibly hard to ensure that *I* could be the best possible partner to someone else. I’m no pushover or people-pleaser nor am I particularly insecure. I am tremendously self-aware however. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, I accept them and I don’t hide my feelings about myself. I do not nor will I ever pretend to be a hyper self-assured person. I have insecurities and I love that about myself. I am nothing but purely honest about who I am.
That said, from my perspective these personality characteristics and others make meeting people and most importantly making a good early impression and giving people a reason to build stronger interest in me challenging to say the least. I believe people in the dating scene are incredibly superficial, or I might phrase it differently, they’re unevolved. Animal instincts trump intellect in the dating world. We’re reduced to animals, working off the ‘scent’ of our prospective partner rather than intellectually determining their worth and value and potential. I have found this to be as true as any other truth in our ‘single’ circumstances. We’re animals in this dating world, nothing more, so unless you have that uncommon ability to attract animalistically you will always struggle.
I will say one more thing as well. Squarely in my mid-40s, squarely in middle age, I do not want to date younger. Certainly an interesting 35 year old will catch my eye, but I’m not targeting that person for dating and beyond. I would never disqualify anyone based on age, so a connection with a younger woman would be pursued further, but I’m not out here in my world seeking out younger companionship. I want someone I can relate to, to connect with, and the chances of that are simply higher with someone my age.
The thing is though, women my age don’t provide opportunities for men like me. I am unquestionably a good looking man, to many at least, but of course not to all. Attractive enough, and definitely compared to other men my age I really have my **** together. I work very hard on maintaining my health, my mind and body. I’m responsible, hard working, successful in what I do, intelligent and reasonably content in my circumstances. There’s nothing tremendously and overtly ‘unattractive’ about me, I believe.
And yet, do I get eye contact? Does anyone demonstrate their attraction? Do women smile at me when I smile at them? Do I ever catch a women looking in my direction? Do women even remotely attempt to know who I am?
The answer is no. They don’t, and I have not in the past nor will I ever in my life harass women that don’t give me a reason to engage with them. So what is a good man like me to do, in a world where women don’t want to know me, are dismissive of any potential in me before I even say ‘hi’ to them? What is a good man to do, in a world, in a culture, in a society where women are conditioned to avoid ‘strange men’ at all costs? What is a good man to do, when nearly all of his experiences in life suggest to him that women are not truly willing to engage and participate in the process of finding a partner?
Live his life, and cross his fingers. That’s all he can do.
A lot of very bitter people that rather be in a relationship instead of being single and alone. Do you blame them? Why would you? I certainly don’t.
Mark- in this landfill of people who have been traumatized by relationships and men (including the author of this article) who clearly subscribe to antiquated views of women (or are flat out misogynists) , your voice is the sound of reason.
I feel for women and men alike in relationships and single because the world is a difficult place and connection with all its uncertainties and vulnerabilities is challenging for even the most secure of us.
I traveled the world, lived in various countries and was lucky enough to complete advanced education. I own my own business and am completely financially independent. I am not selfish or too picky nor have I ever been cruel or inconsiderate in any relationships, or even to men who have casually approached me. I met my current husband at 39, had my first child at 41 and we are still happily married with 2 children. My now husband also was 39 when we met and he had a very negative view of women and relationships due to being very mistreated. It took some work for him to deal with that and be open to the reality of our relationship which is that I didn’t need him for any superficial reason like money or feeling pressured to be in a couple, but because I thought he was a great person and that we could build a life and have a lot of fun together. There was nothing wrong or flawed with either of us except that we just hadn’t met the right person. Everyone’s timeline is different, but love can happen at any time.
I applaud your honesty and vulnerability and am sure that at the right time the right woman would be very lucky to meet you. There is nothing creepy about a man genuinely being interested in who you are or asking you out on a date. Women who respond negatively to this attention are usually very insecure, so please do not take it personally. A great approach that worked on me was a guy came up to me and said he was interested gave me his number and said I would love to take you out if you’re free, but if not i totally understand and just wanted to tell you I think you’re really pretty, gave me his number and walked away. I think the real problem here is articles exactly like this one that make it seem like you’re ever too hold to go after any dream that you want whether it is starting a business or finding the love of your life.
I know this is old but still felt the need to reply. I’m turning 36 in May and I don’t feel that my dating options have changed much (if at all) since my twenties. I certainly don’t think women are “old” at my age and it does get harder, but love can happen at any age. My problem was oblivion. Guys try to hit on me and I don’t pick up on it until much later and then it was like “seriously? Duh!” Her problem sounds more like low self esteem (like you said), which is sad. But no, life is not over at 35, or 45 or 55. I hope Tracy found some form of happiness by now, single or not.
Perhaps practice will make perfect! Glad you haven’t had a problem yet.
Tracy is I think 44 now. She has a boyfriend but not married.
I just wrote this follow up post if you’re interested: https://www.financialsamurai.com/you-will-regret-sacrificing-love-for-money-almost-all-of-the-time/
I hate that phrase “settling down.” Just how does marriage make you “settled”? It doesn’t. If you are screwed up and get married, you will be even more screwed up and affect more people negatively. There is nothing wrong with being single, especially nothing wrong with being single and a woman. Most women (and men) have to make peace with it and stop acting like they are kids. Women have been brainwashed with the idea they are nothing except as relationships to others and hence they think they have to be married and mothers to be happy.
Men, of course, are seen as human beings, not as things, not as relationships to others. Most women never develop real interests, and I am not talking about the very few women in the real world with “glamorous” (read male-dominated) “careers,” which aren’t all that anyway. They have NO real interests apart from seeking relationships. It is all about makeup, beauty, clothes, dieting, cooking, home-based crafts, and other expensive, frivolous stuff that are designed to keep women broke in some pathetic pursuit of the brass ring.
Too many single women these days have very very high standards which is the real reason why love really gets much more harder to find as we get older, especially with their list of demands that they have today for many of us single guys still looking.
I’m turning 35 in a week and don’t agree with Tracy at all. I’ve always gotten attention from guys of all ages, and it hasn’t tapered off. Granted, I LOOK much younger than 35 (last week when I opened the door for a door-to-door salesman, he asked if my mom or dad was home!), and that’s probably at least part of it. But I think confidence is a huge part of it as well. If you think of yourself as dog crap that no one’s going to want, that’s what’s going to end up happening. You get back what you put out there.
At almost 35, I have never once had to look to older men to find someone. I connect better with guys in their 20s, and that’s who I usually end up dating. I care more about personality than looks or money though. I don’t know if it would be different if I actually looked 35, but I’m actually guessing no. You’re only as old as you feel, and I feel as young as I ever did, so it makes sense that the guys I attract are young as well. :)
People having unrealistic expectations, the media heavily promoting interracial relationships has ruined it for everyone.
The very funny thing is that you see the most ugliest men with very attractive women. Very big bank accounts are a plus these days, with the help of so many women that are real Gold Diggers now.
You nailed it.
For anyone who never managed to find ‘the one’, I can confirm it makes zero difference whether you are attractive when younger or ugly when younger or if you do manage to marry. I was uglier in my 20s (bad teeth/jaw that needed fixing, ruined hair and skin due to malnutrition, no money to spend on things like good clothes/makeup/cosmetic treatments, glasses, etc). I’m much better looking now, but still haven’t had any men approach me. And I have a great personality (since I lacked everything else growing up and was forced to develop one). It makes no difference.
I’ve known women who were stunningly beautiful, women who were intellectual geniuses, women who were charming and funny… all struggled to date and find a partner. And out of the ones that did, most are now divorced. At my age I’ve realised there is only a tiny fraction of people that are lucky enough to find and remain in happy, healthy, committed relationships. The rest either never get the chance, have to settle for someone incompatible (for money, kids, whatever reason), end up divorcing, one or both partners cheat, one dies much earlier than the other and they are left alone anyway, etc. I can count on one hand the number of ‘good’ couples I’ve met in my entire lifetime.
Men and women would do better to focus their attention on other areas of their life and stop panicking so much about what everyone else is doing. I worked as a therapist for a while, and trust me you have no clue how miserable a lot of ‘perfect couples’ are behind closed doors. There are a lot of people trapped in marriages that they wish they could get out of. Just learn to love yourself.
That’s just something ugly people say…
And your response is what the incels raging against the world always say. You imagine everyone else is living in some sort of super happy fantasy life with buckets of money, the perfect husband/wife, amazing sex on tap, while you’re missing out. Everyone is doing better than you, life is so unfair, bla bla bla. It’s rubbish. Most people on this planet are struggling through the drugery of everyday life and all the problems and stress that comes with a less than great relationship. You see a tiny fraction of what goes on behind closed doors, as people tend to put on their best face when out in public. Focus on yourself rather than what you imagine everyone else has.
If women had been just like the old days, then many of us single men would’ve been settled down already. Women today are nothing at all like the past, which today they have just too many high expectations unfortunately. And a great deal of these women are real gold diggers now altogether, especially the very high maintenance ones that just want the very best of all.
I’m amazed at some of the remarks in here. At 63, never married SWM, still a virgin, not gay folks, I’ve seen many fine people marry and divorce later for all sorts of reasons. This society makes finding your partner harder than it has to be. Our culture is toxic on many levels. This affects both the quality and types of relationships available to us. I dated five times in my life, first at 35, last at 46. I stopped there. I learned early on I had nothing which would attract women. A woman told me years ago”you’re a nice guy, but you’re not what women are looking for today. You don’t have what they want.” I tried online dating twice. No interest from anyone there. Match.com I posted a profile at age 58, ran it for eight months, and here are the results. I had 1400 views, I contacted 40 people, only ten responded, and not ONE would even meet for coffee. All these were women 50 plus. None of us look like supermodels at that age. I had to stop. My brother married late at 46. He told me “you will miss some things by not being married, but you might not miss as much as you think.” I often think of five girls I met before 30. Sadly I lacked the resources to pursue them when they came along. Of course they moved on. All the women I would ever have married I met before 30. After that I never met anyone again I would consider a good spousal choice. Women have so much pressure to be and do everything–wife, mother, girlfriend, caretaker, career woman etc. They are quietly handed a long list of expectations society has for them. Being a good wife and mom raising your kids is not acceptable today or affordable either. Both sexes have to shop wisely for their spouse, and a bad marriage can destroy on many levels. Women can defer marriage because they have careers. Problem is men disappear as they climb the ladder and their fertility dwindles also. Most of us long for and hope for a partner. Sadly this society launched a gender war that continues into its fourth decade. I don’t think women like, trust, or respect men today. Men want to love and provide for them. We just don’t get the chance to show it very often. If we do it’s often met with contempt, scorn, or disrespect. Read two books: Save the Males by K. Parker and Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb. Great books to read for more on the topic. To close a priest once told me–“It’s not in God’s plan for everyone to be married”. I agree with that, but it’s real tough to accept that on birthdays and holidays when you’re all alone year after year. I’ve seen so many friends pass on. When your circle of friends dies, then you know your time is truly running out. Your best dating years will be 16-30, after that it’s all downhill. Good luck folks. Wish I could start again — knowing what I know now.
It is very unfortunate that we live in a totally different time today since most women are very picky now when it comes to finding love. They just want the very best of all and will never settle for less either since they want MR. Perfect now. And love was very easy to find in the old days since our family members had no trouble at all, and women were the very complete opposite of today as well. Just too much greed and selfishness that these women have today altogether, and very very money hungry too. A very bad time for many of us single men trying to find love these days unfortunately.
I’m a 35 year old single woman, who didn’t consider settling down until my later 20s (28, 29) as well…I also am well-educated and financially independent so I’ve never had to run for any man. Dating has ALWAYS been horrible for me, because I’m very particular.
Although I’m 35, people always think I’m in my 20s, and I get comments regarding My physical attractiveness from both sexes. I prefer to date men that aren’t too far from my age…I get uncomfortable with men that are in their mid 40s because they tend to look MUCH older than I do.
Mid-40s isn’t that old. Do you plan to start a family? If so, I would encourage you to talk to other women over 35 who started a family or tried to start a family. It was hard for us, and you will find it was hard for many others. If you don’t want to start a family, great! Enjoy the dating scene.
Related: The Ideal Biological And Economic Age To Start A Family
Mid 40s isn’t that old – would you say the same thing to a 35 year old man who didn’t want to date women 10 years older?
If i had been born in the old days which i definitely would have met a good woman to settle down with. Today unfortunately women are totally different and very picky when it comes to finding love since most women now want the very rich type of man, and can’t accept any of us men for who we really are since money is very important for most women now.
Woooooow that is 100% FALSE. I dont even know where to start with you. Wealth and money was actually WAY more important “in the old days” because women were basicqlly not allowed to work and support thenselves so they had no choice but to find someone who could support them and their future children. Most of my friends and I have dated guys who were poor and even supported THEM at certain points in time. Women can have good jobs now and support themselves so money is less important. Keep using that lame excuse though if it helps you sleep at night. My advice is maybe actually date women who have their own money and are mature and not shallow. No friend of mine has ever cared about a guys money as long as they were not a totally unmotivated dead beat loser…and trust me my friends and i have dated those types as well. And you know generalizing an entire gender wont get you anywhere in life either. If i were to base my opinion of all men on the horrible asshole shallow douche bags ive dated then i would say that all men literally care about nothing other than how good women are at sex and hoe many orgasms women have with them. Ive litterally been dumped multiple times because i just dont have orgasms from sex which im fine with, despite me being good looking, thin, fun and witty. At least you can CHANGE your money situation. Women cant change the fact that they are a certain age or look a certain way (unless they get plastic surgery) or how many friggin orgasms they have unless they fake it which i refuse to do. Be fucking greatful that youre a male and are still datable well into your 50s. Im a 35 yr old woman and ive basicaly given up all hope unless i go for some 50 yr old man. I seriously cant believe you think most women give a shit about dating a rich person. Thats just straight up bullshit. Youre either lying to yourself to make yourself feel better or youre going after young or immature or shallow women. Maybe actually go for a woman who isnt shallow. We are out there in droves.
For your information most women now are just so very horrible to meet with a very bad attitude problem as well. Very stuck up troubled women that we now have everywhere these days that have No Respect And Manners at all when many of us good single men will just try to start a conversation with one of these Loser women which they will turn around and be so very nasty to us men. What is up with that? Especially when there are many of us men looking for a good woman to settle down with. Did i say good woman? Where are they? Not these days unfortunately.
As a 37 year old man who hasn’t even dated in 5 years since I broke up with my last girlfriend I’d not blame either sex both of us have so much ‘perfect body, perfect mate’ engraved in our heads from advertising it’s hard for us to think of who we could settle for rather than the one you think is the hottest. I’d also blame Tinders ‘swipe life’ culture for reducing dating down to photos and just looks. As recent studies have found such generalizations make users more depress because only a small percentage of all of us fit into that 1-5% category.
I am a 47 year old woman. I do notice a difference of how men treat me differently than when I was in my 20s and 30s. I was always interested in men my own age or slightly older, but now, I find younger men more attractive. It isn’t all about looks. I like the energy of younger men. Some men my age, not all, can be bitter and have resentment with how their lives turned out. Some of them think they know everything. They don’t. I don’t know everything. I am still learning. I have a youthful Spirit. That is what really matters. Some young men are not attracted to me. I believe I am Spiritually years beyond my time and some young men don’t understand that. I have endured a brain tumor diagnosis and a death of a child. Those experiences changed me forever. We need to flip the script. Don’t let your age define you. Let your Spirit define you.
Feminism is definitely much worse than cancer today keeping many of us men single. And there is no cure for this very terrible disease at all caused by women.
Wow, bitter much? And yea pshhh women wanting equal rights sure is a burden for you isnt it!?? Geez i mean it must suck not being able to force women to rely on a man just to be able to eat because now women can have jobs and stuff. I feel so bad for you!!! Meanwhile im over here, as are my friends, looking for a husband since we were in our early 20s and being met with cheaters, douche bags, guys who string us along for gods knows how long pretending they just “dont like labels” and then us realizing they were never serious about us from the get go. I cant tell you how many liars, cheaters, users and assholes ive dated who didnt have the BALLS to be upfront about ANYTHING. Wow feminism must be so hard for you. How DARE women ask to be treated like humans with equal value and rights and intelligence. Women having choices clearly bothers you because you seem like the kind of woman hating douche bag asshole sexist who women wouldnt ever choose to be with so clearly us having choices doesnt really benefit you. I guess after thousands of years of having all the power to treat women like possessions or animals, us getting a little closer to equality feels like youre getting gyped. Oh well sucks for you!!! But heres a newsflash…GUYS ARE STILL DICKS JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. Women are just choosing not to settle for the assholes now because they arent forced to by society and lack of equality. There is still an epidemic of women being murdered and beaten and raped. The number one cause of death for oregnant women is murder. Did you know that? Wow it must really suck to be a man. Pshh what a puece of shit you are. Hey maybe youre single because youre a piece of shit and not because of feminism? Ever consider that? Every woman i know is either married or wants very much to get married so im pretty sure women not wanting to be tied to a man is not the reason your misogynistic bitter ass is single.
To Jess, women like you really are a waste of humanity to begin with. Enough said right there.
Jess, most of you women are very pathetic to begin with.
It is very difficult for many of us single older men trying to find love, especially after being married already for a while. Having our ex wife that cheated on us already makes it even more difficult to trust another woman all over again since i was the very faithful one in my marriage. Now to go out all over again is the worst thing that can happen to many of us men since looking for a woman more our age is tough enough as it is. Not easy at all finding love for the second time since i really hate being single and all alone to begin with.
Are you really that stupid? For you to say that women only date older men is complete WRONG! None of my friends or myself like to date older men, AND that goes for a ton of women i know. I would never date a man older than myself. Why would we when we can date hot guys our own age who have more stamina? Women in their 30s and 40s can easily date younger men or men their own age., only weak minded, self conscious women think otherwise. Strong minded women that know their worth will have no problems dating and keeping the attention of men in their prime. And when I say prime, I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about young men with stamina who women actually find attractive. I really hate to break it to all these middle aged and older men who think that younger women are falling to their feet while women over 35 are left alone, you all are so ridiculous! I actually feel sorry for you. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to try to spend my hard earned money to buy the attention of the opposite sex, or to be a man living in a fantasy that younger people actually find me more desirable than younger men. Listen all you older men, younger women DO NOT desire you period! I’m not saying that there are no younger women dating older men, but there are not nearly as many as you would like to believe, and if they are it is usually money driven. I am almost 34 and know that I do not have to date older men, I have tons of men trying to go out with me because I’m attractive and know my TRUE self worth in the dating pool. And trust me, my dating options are not going to be limited any time soon, no matter what any man on this board would like me to think. For any women over 40 that sees this, don’t listen to men! They are soooo jealous of young men and their youth that they try to make themselves seem so lucky that all the younger women really want them, which is BULL! And these men can’t stand that women of all ages can easily attract young men. That’s the real truth! I’m sure there will be haters who read this, and while they’re on here trying to deny this, I’ll be out having fun! With a young, hot stud…
Cougar alert! Oh boy! There must be a lot of weak minded women then if this is true. I’m that young stud and I will say nay! This exact post is the reason why men of all ages will pass you on eventually. You need to reflect…
Most women today are real feminists since they really are just men haters altogether. Very smart for a man that is still single today, to just stay single since marriage isn’t worth it anymore. Been there.
Yup, I’m 41 and it’s mostly younger men who are interested in me. The older ones tend to be financially secure but they look tired, have wives already. The ones my age are either not available, have issues or are exes trying to get back with me. It”s definitely harder as I dont go out as much but I’m hopeful Ill meet the right person one day.
Take advantage of all the hot young men in your age range. Just be sure you don’t get pregnant or get an STD from one of them. Older men are usually more careful. Also they might value you for more than just sex too. At some point in time, you will age out of your dating pool. It happens sooner than you expect usually.
Well i really do have to say that men that were looking for love in the old days certainly had it very easy since they really had no trouble at all meeting a good woman which unfortunately today is a very different story altogether for us men now.
As a 32 year old woman who gets as much attention as ever (and a lot of it from younger guys, and NO not just because they think I’m an easy lay – they know I’m not into casual sex), I call bullshit on all of this and am sick of women being bullied into believing that they have to be married by 30 or else probably end up alone. Guess what? I would have LOVED to be married in my 20s. But it just didn’t happen. And that doesn’t mean I have to give up on finding my happily ever after or that I have to settle for someone I don’t really want just out of some misplaced fear of ending up alone. I’m not looking for a provider and father of my children, I’m looking for a best friend and a partner, someone that I truly cannot live without. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for anything less.
I got married at 37, after finding my husband at 35. He was more than worth the wait! I had wanted to get married in my 20s too but, I just didn’t meet the right person until later. In his 20s and early 30s, my husband was with the wrong person for him (but is glad he didn’t marry her, or he would have gotten one nasty divorce). There’s really nothing I could have done to get married sooner, when my husband wasn’t available to me earlier.
I’m glad I married the right person at 37, rather than the wrong person in my 20s (only to get divorced and end up back in the dating pool in my 30s anyway). Meeting later in life also helped us be better partners for each other, when we were more mature and had learned from prior relationship mistakes. There are benefits to later marriage too.
I’m a 42-year-old highly accomplished and intelligent man who will never marry, even though I can make a woman fall in love with me in about 10 minutes of conversation.
No one ever bothered to see things from a male perspective. Here’s the truth about women:
In their twenties, women rudely reject guys like me, and get their V widened into a yawning chasm by felons, drummers, and other assorted “men” of uncertain provenance. They march around in pink pussy hats, attempting to destroy Western civilization through Facebook and Twitter. They make work miserable through endless touchy-feely “initiatives.” They make false rape accusations after bad break-ups.
When they’re no longer attractive, they look for Mr. Right. We turn them down, because we don’t want to end up like the dad in this video: https://youtu.be/XKfm723mISo
We don’t want sexless marriages where we spend endless time on the corporate treadmill, only to have half our stuff taken away by the courts during the divorce (half of marriages end in divorce, and women initiate 80 percent of divorces.) During divorce proceedings, the woman makes baseless allegations of abuse, through her scumbag lawyer, whom the man has to pay for. Once she gets alimony and child support, she shacks up with a drug-addicted ex-con, in the house her husband paid for. She uses the children to make her husband’s life a living hell, until he commits suicide (the leading cause of death for men under fifty.)
Men who can’t afford to pay child support go to jail. Which other debt can put you in prison?
No, thanks. I’d rather spend my time in beautiful villas in Bali. By myself. No selfies required; I don’t have to impress anyone.
When I see a woman, I follow the Buddha’s dying advice about women: Don’t look at them. If you see one, don’t talk to her. If you must speak to one, be mindful and maintain self control.
Women can go suck the big one. Just not mine.
I don’t date women over 30 yrs old
It’s a bit of a stereotype, and the post had an air of spite. 30s are way better than the 20s in just about every respect, sounds like Tracey just hasn’t found whatever it is that makes her feel good about herself, everyone has good and bad points, everyone. No one is going out with older guys that remind them of their father, everyone I know the later they married the better quality their partner. If Tracey is hot (older or not) she can still get a great guy, the old farts leer at everyone all the way down to 12 year olds. It’s not her that’s the problem, it’s the mad dash everyone makes around 30 to settle down that has dwindled the pond, it gets restocked again later when half of them get divorced. some are more of a slow burn socially, they can’t compete with the manic social butterfly types, they tend to marry later when everyone calms the hell down and stops running around chasing the latest greatest thing, when she does meet someome he’ll be a total gem, right about the time half her friends marriages are falling appart.
Well that is the real truth.
The real problem for us single good men that are still looking is very hard now that much more women today are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, which really speaks for itself.
Part true, part false. Life is not “over” for her, but definitely she’ll not be the center of attention anymore. She’s simply paying the price of refusing everyone who approached her and shooting them down, crushing their dreams and moving on to enjoy the attention from the next poor guy, who sincerely hoped he’s going to get a chance for a dream girl.
It’s almost over for her because of guys like me. A couple years ago I’d die for a girl. As I aged a bit and got my life together, and got rejected repeatedly and solely for “coming on too strong”, I learned my lesson. I’m either gonna be with someone I really like, who appreciates me or I’ll die single. For some, dealing with desperation is lowering their standards. For me, it was becoming willing to die a virgin if this is the price. So yes, if she still insists on a 6’3 filthy-rich Brad-Pitt looking guy, she will never have him.
As a matter of fact, I never bought a free beer to a girl I didn’t know. I do pay for first dates, but I’m not going to pay for you (even though I can afford it) just for the mere chance of a date.
I’ll give my advice to guys: have respect and demand it. No girl, no one, no person is ever worth demeaning yourself or jumping through hoops for. You’re better off single. Extend your invitation, but if they don’t respond and reciprocate, go away and never look back.
I wonder if this “Tracy” knows she’s been publicly ripped apart on a blog for going on four years now. If so, I wonder how much different her side of the story might be. An awful lot of unflattering, extremely pessimistic assumptions are being made about this woman. Would SHE say she “hates every minute of her 30s” and “feels more and more lost” “with each year that passes”? Or are these hopeless sentiments just words the blogger is putting in her mouth? Because most people of a certain age–men AND women–understand there’s more to life than their relationship status, and though they may be disappointed that they’re single, they don’t spend every minute of every day obsessing over it. They go about their lives working, spending time with friends and family, and doing the activities they enjoy just like–gasp–coupled people do. Some of them even come to realize that they appreciate various aspects of being single and that married people are often miserable themselves but in different ways. Even if “Tracy” never realized this, it seems unfair and presumptuous to paint her as if she couldn’t possibly have an ounce of happiness in her life just because she’s single and, on this particular occasion, chose to share some things that bug her about it.
I also don’t think anyone has the right to sit in judgment of someone else as “incredibly dull” when that’s entirely subjective. For example, a jock type might be completely bored with a nose-in-the-books nerd, but that same nerd might be very attractive to an academic type. My guess is that “Tracy” spent too much time hanging out with a crowd that wasn’t a good match for her particular personality. If she’s quiet and sensitive, well, there are actually men who like that, but maybe they’re not as likely to frequent sports bars.
Finding a life partner has a lot to do with luck, but it also has to do with understanding who you are, what kind of person you want, and what kind of person wants you. It’s not a one-size-fits-all deal. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that. Even still, some people will end up single because they never married, some will end up single because they divorced, and some will end up single because they were widowed. That’s a substantial number of people who are going to spend large chunks of their adult lives single. Yet somehow most of them manage to go on living and even enjoying life the vast majority of the time. If that’s not the case for “Tracy,” let’s not assume she’s representative of all or even most single women her age.
You can have all the self confidence in the world. Truth is, it’s not on the cards for all of us. If you rarely meet a person you connect with at the right time, place or at all you may just have a smaller potential dating pool. Best thing is to keep up the enjoyment of other areas of your life and don’t let your career come at the expense of them. Maybe someone may come along….but you’ll be happy either way.
I wonder whatever happened to her? Well, it’s possible to find love in the 30s. At 35 I’ve found love with a terrific 40 year old man who I adore. Before that, also at age 35, I dated a lot of men ranging from 29 to 42 (most were in their 30s). I’m realistic enough to know that I’m cute on my best days, but never have been nor ever will be a super hot Victoria’s Secret model either (and I’m at peace with that). If I can find love even as a mildly attractive (but not hot) woman in her mid 30s, it certainly is possible for a former hottie. I succeeded by being realistic and going for men within my “league” (who I find attractive, but also aren’t GQ models either).
Perhaps in the long run, finding love is easier for someone like me, who has been attractive-but-not-hot all her life. For me, the transition from my 20s to my 30s wasn’t that radical and didn’t require as much of an adjustment. I never routinely got chatted up by good-looking men and never turned that many heads, so I can’t miss what I never had. Whereas, getting used to that and then not getting it would be a shock to the system for a former hottie like her. Jim Courier once said how once you get ranked up to #1, it’s not like you can move up to #0, and that’s very true! Once you’re at the top, often the only place to go is down. Tracy started off at the top so maybe the only place for her to go was down. Of course, it’s also possible to maintain your position. However, with age it gets harder to be as good looking as you once were. I hope she overcame that negativity and is at peace now, single or taken.
The good old days were the best and so were the good old fashioned women back then, and it was certainly much easier finding love which today it is Not.
I’d hardly call a woman anywhere in her 30s a “cougar.” The connotation is so negative. (A leathery, cigarette-smoking hag crammed into ill-fitting jeans with an animal-print shirt, reeking of booze). And 30s is YOUNG, if one has taken great care of one’s self. I’m a man turning 50 in one month, and no one would believe I’m a day over 40, and I’m far, far more fit and in shape than almost anybody at any age. There’s a price to pay, of course. I’ve paid it all my life, since age thirteen: fitness over momentary gratification. One needs self-respect and discipline, and that’s apparently almost extinct today. My girlfriend is 46, and her form just blows most 20-somethings away. There’s no comparison. She’s no gym rat: she (was) a figure skater, has two kids, and chose to keep her body perfectly fit by doing simple exercise and practicing common sense. All her peers are so far gone, they look like they’re 65…worse in a way…65 year old people used to have a normal form.
Unfortunately, the default these days…80% or more of the people I see, anywhere are anywhere from flabby and soft to morbidly obese. Official statistics are way behind the reality concerning fatness.
And that’s just pathetic. It took only two generations for people to go from fit to blobs. Now even kids are just lumps. My ex of six years is turning 38 this year, and she’s far more beautiful than almost anybody I ever see. She’s not the athlete my current girlfriend is, just blessed with great genes, and some self control! She is feminine and really never exercises. She simply doesn’t over-eat. That’s it. Simple. Between her and a 30 lb. overweight 22 yr. old with bleach blonde hair and pancake all over her face, and that gut roll hanging out? Please. Age? Not the issue. Self-respect and basic discipline is the issue. Then we can get to intelligence, morals, work ethic, heart…but when one is starting out with one foot in the super sized grave, gaining 5-10 lbs. a year? Game over.
Can you give an update to Tracy?
Googled in single at 30 or something along those lines. :)
Gotcha. Well, don’t give up hope! Finding someone is a numbers game, so you’ve got to really put yourself out there. You might enjoy or hate the other articles I’ve written in the Relationship category. Enjoy! :)
This is really depressing to read…I turned 29 a few months ago and I would have loved to be married by now but spent too much time with a guy who is now on the road to settling down with someone else. We were together when I was 18 to 25. Since dating has been hard due to lack of experience and it is disconcerting to hear that it will get harder due to factors outside of my control but my fault for giving my youth to the wrong guy.
But 29 is still young!
How did you find my post btw?
To Em, it is very sad for many of us for both men and women that are having a lot of trouble connecting with one another. Many of us men do need love as well as women, and no body wants to be alone since it certainly hurts a lot. I am 60 years old, which it makes it much worse for me since i don’t have children either. I was married at one time before she cheated on me, and i was a very good husband too which it wasn’t good enough for her. We were together for 15 years before this happened to me, and i will go out and hope for the best. Good luck and have a good holiday.
I think it’s hard to find a good man at any age. I also have found as I have gotten older (going to be 40 this year) that it doesn’t matter if you are a ravishing beauty or you have the best personality or an education or success or whatever else. Men will choose trash rather than a good woman. It’s the same “Good Girls and Bad Boys” argument with the gender roles reversed. I was with a man for two years who treated me horribly because I lost 40 lbs and quit smoking. Barely a year later he met and married a woman twice divorced with two children – then three years later she divorced him, ran off, married husband #4 and has since divorced husband #4. Who’s the better one now?
30 is still considered young. I would have expected Tracey to be closer to the age of 50 with that mindset. It sounds as though she just failed to connect with the right person for her chemistry. If she was open to a relationship early on, and was honest with herself, if the right man at the right timing, might have approached, who valued the same things she did, it’s likely a completely different outcome might have resulted.
However, my guess is that Tracey didn’t find the stars lining up in the right order, so-to-speak, for this to even occur. I think Tracey’s only mistake was spending time with the wrong men in social circles, who weren’t available, were not interested in being available, otherwise, with her being a catch, some man would have done so quickly.
It might be said that attractive women find it hard to establish satisfying relationships because they are busy dodging glances, come-on lines, and the like and learn to naturally learn to keep their guard up, always waiting for the right guy who isn’t trying to sell them on bogus. Always have a guard up no doubt makes them appear snobbish, unapproachable, and vain, when quite the opposite is true.
The key to finding love at any age is to work on developing the trust that has been broken. We violate the number one rule we need to win people over when we throw up walls to keep them out. People don’t stay where they do not feel welcome. We give off subtle signs to people by our tone, our gesture, our expressions that say,”I am worth getting to know”, or “stay away…danger…do not cross ever!” These in my opinion are the only two signals people pick up on. One is warm, sincere, friendly, engaging while the other might be a variation of alarming, or cool, aloof, disengaging, noncommited.”
Love can be found at any age, the person in search mode just has to check the signal output. Making adjustments in thoughts, beliefs, and expectations can influence the success one finds in their search. You are constantly drawing and repelling others on a daily. What do you find yourself doing most? Dodging? Drawing? Check your signal. Are you happy? Does your attitude smile when others walk by?
I work with brides, planning weddings and getting to know women in all phases, stages, and ages of life ready to take the vow. What I have found is that the majority of older women who are getting married still believe romance happens, yet are a bit more reserved and tempered by life, while young brides are full of zest, life, and see everything as a possibility. Both have something in common though, that is, they still believe and have made themselves approachable to the opposite sex. Herein lies the key to finding a man at any age.
30 is young, but it gets harder and harder. There is this cliff I see at 35 where it starts really becoming difficult.
Check out this post: https://www.financialsamurai.com/why-single-men-love-growing-olde/
Meaning that even though Tracy was attractive at 35…she couldn’t date a 35 year old, she had to date old men in their 40s and fifties.
I have wondered this myself. I just turned 30. I got more attention between 24 to 27. I tried online dating and a lot of old men were trying so I filter ed them out. I think men my age now are more interested in women in their 20s than their own age. When you are in your twenties, you have the widest range. I was married around 27 when I still had a lot of attention. When I turned 30, it competely stopped. My husband is actually in his forties but looks like his twenties. I feel for women who have to date men much older than they are because men only want women in their twenties.
I think it’s because women conditioned men to only date younger women since women only date older men!
wow…I am 31 and right now I think it is the best time of my life… I am financially stabe now and start to enjoy my life. I travled twice a year interenationlly. Going to Russia tomorrow for one week.
Before I was focus on school and work..now I can focus on fashion and makeup and art and music. Going on 1 date every week…since I am still trying to meet the right guy… but meanwhile I do enjoy my single life and live at the moment…
hopefully she feel better…and I do not mind dating younger guy at all… since men do die earlier than women. (I used to sell life insurance).
Everything is easier and so bright when you’re young. Just be prepared for the ups and downs.
Wow, that’s depressing. I just turned 30, and I have never been attractive. I couldn’t get a date even when I was 27.
Don’t say that Sara! I’m sure you are attractive and will find someone. Just put yourself out there. A hundred rejections are worth it if there is that one love found.
Sara.. there is someone for everyone.. you just have to get out there! My good friend just got married and he just turned 29. He finally met his wife when he was 28. I also have a bunch of friends who are in their 30’s who haven’t found the right one yet.
The key is to take risks.. “a hundred rejections are worth it if there is that one love found”.. very good!
Ummm…. getting married at 28-29 is not an example of hope for folks!
I know our generation is getting married a lot later than our parents did.
I was just saying, he got married at 29, close to the same age as Sara. My sister got married at 31.
At dinner last Saturday night I asked my husband how he felt about Jessica Alba…he isn’t interested in her. He likes pale skinned women. I am pale.
Tracey did not seem interested in a relationship…just the fan club. Very interesting. Not everyone really wants to invest and I say INVEST the time and effort into a relationship. Marriage takes far more work than I have ever dreamed.
As for Mr. Super Frugalette, he is two years younger. I met him when I was 26 and we married right before I turned 30. However, I wanted to be in a meaningful relationship. I was not looking for a fan club. Thus, she could look for guys who are a couple younger…
As for most women, physical looks are only part of a guys erotic capital. The game changes the minute he opens his mouth. I am a sucker for intelligence. I always had a crush on the smartest guys in the room…even from a really young age. My 7th grade crush now has a Ph. d as well as Mr. Super Frugalette.
I think perhaps her problem is she looking for perfection, instead of looking logically for a mate. Perhaps she believe the movies that she saw when she was young and though that since she was special, the ultimate man would come and sweep her off her feet. I’ve see other women do this.
But then again perhaps she’s like Jessica Simpson. I thought she was incredible hot and watched her former reality show, jealous of her then husband. After watching a few episodes, I felt bad for her husband (it was obvious he was more intelligent) instead. I would hate to have a wife like Jessica, even if she is successful.
Back to your friend… If not waiting for a magic movie moment to happen, perhaps she should realize that the problem is her. Maybe she should try to change? Perhaps a friend like you could tell her what to work on, or perhaps a female friend that she admires and know her?
Women tell me what you said all the time…. they grew up with the Fairy Tale mentality, so they sit back and wait. Sometimes, they cannot be found.
It’s kind of like blogging…. it’s nice to think you’ll get your big break eventually, but it’s much better you go out there and create your own luck!
Her life is no where near over regardless of whether she was 30, 35, 40 etc. her life was over at the age of 27 when she couldn’t enjoy a compliment. My guess she was not so good looking from the ages of 13 to 18, and never established the self esteemed needed to survive the dating world.
Being hot will only get you a few (alright maybe more if REALLY hot) dates. But an intelligent guy will get bored *eventually* lol
All the guys did get bored after a while. It’s the substance that needs to take over after the lust has faded. I’m sure now she is working hard on her substance out of necessity.
Hi Sam! I think I understand Tracy. She hasn’t exercised her personality much because until now, she has n’t had to. I don’t think she’s a mean person, just a clueless one. Let her find out her interests, and follow her heart. Many people have said similar things – let her read, get involved with helping others. Let her start being productive, contributing member of society in the way that appeals to her, best. By following her heart, a path will open up. As far as women and age, love and romance, I don’t agree – attractiveness is more than having good skin. It’s something from within, coming from a life worth living. That attractiveness has nothing to do with age. Of course beauty helps but it can only go so far. Let her learn to develop the other parts of herself that she’s been neglecting and all the pieces will come together! Good luck, Tracy! And by the way, I married at age 38, my husband is ten years older, and we have two great kids. She has time, but let her get started.
That’s really great to hear you married at 38! Nice!
I wish Tracy the best.
Perhaps she will find someone equally boring & they can be comfortable together! She just broke up with someone, so she is able to be in a relationship for some time. She could learn to do her makeup better, but I bet she’d benefit from reading a few books too.
Maybe, I donno. The more I think of it, the more I realize her personality is what’s really hurting her.
Sam, ask your readers to email you if any one interested in Tracy, Play a match maker. 35 is not too old, its still prime
Nothing wrong with being a dull person… I think there’s too much pressure on everyone to be “unique” or “interesting” when we’re all just trying to be unique or interesting the same exact way and conform.
However, what’s important is that you are happy and comfortable with where you are, and it doesn’t sound like she is. If she is really as hot as Jessica Alba I doubt she’ll have any problems even at her current age; she just needs to enter the right mindset and stop looking like she’s trying to cover something up with all of the makeup. If anything I think my girlfriend looks more beautiful now than she did 6 years ago, sans makeup.
Men and women are simply programmed differently, and women’s fertility starts dropping off in the 30s while men are fine into their 60s and beyond, so that’s why it’s different, as unfair as it may be. However, 35 is not a death sentence. LOTS of guys out there willing to date hot older women.
Some of personality can be changed, but some you just can’t help it. I think she needs to break out of her current life style and shake things up. It is not easy to change things when you need willpower to do so, but if you’re forced to do so by circumstances you’d be amazed at how people can adapt.
She WAS hot like Jessica Alba, but now no more. It’s kinda of sad, because we’ve all moved on, yet she stays the same, living with her friend in the same 2 bedroom apartment for the past 10 years.
We’ll see I guess. She’s not that cheerful and lacks self-confidence, which bums guys out after a while.
Definitely don’t think she’s a lesbian as I know a couple guys she’s dated, but who knows in the long run!
Of course life isn’t over for single women in their 30s. It seems like people are waiting until much later to get married anyway, so it’s probably pretty normal to be in your 30s and single. I imagine that attractive people are just used to people treating them nicely. They assume that’s just how people are, not that their looks have anything to do with it, so when things change a little it can be a shock.
It sounds like Tracy needs to find something she’s really passionate about and get involved in something outside her normal circle. Focus outside herself, and maybe get some help with the self-esteem issues. (Or at least learn that the only acceptable response to a compliment is “thank you”.)
Perhaps the luckiest people are the ones who grew up unattractive, but at some point in their 20s, they turn beautiful.
Saying a “thank you” back is really the best response and a returned compliment.
I think that is absolutely untrue, because it happened to me. I was the ugliest most awkward kid through high school, and nobody ever let me forget it. In elementary school I was bullied, from that age up kids matured some and I was just shunned. I blossomed my freshman year in college but I still had the mindset of “the ugly kid”. I had/have a dull personality like Tracy, and that has persisted throughout my life. So the normal script of any relationship with any guy was – he liked what he saw, but after pursuing me for awhile realized there was “no there there” and disappeared. At least now I’m 56 and being post-menopausal have no use for men accept for car repair and home maintenance. Believe me girls, menopausal loss of libido is like being unchained from a mad man.
When you see a beautiful male or female who is actually interested in everyone and everything around them, it usually means they’ve discovered a secret: being that way makes them a sucessful human being. Humans who are still “beautiful” in their 40s 50s & 60s have this secret down, and don’t need wrinkle cream.
Love it Joel. I think you are exactly right!
“Just imagine, when we are 100, we can date everyone!” You wish!!! LOL
Ahhh, you picked up on that favorite line of logic. Nice one!
Sam, sounds like she really opened up to you in the time of having a drink!
It also sounds like she didn’t learn much from her 20’s, hopefully she can figure it out and work on improving her attitude and personality.
I’m sure you can help her out!
Maybe! That’s why I wrote this post. She doesn’t know, and will never know.. so any words of wisdom from the community I will share back w/ her.
I think the key is that she is willing and wants to change for the better. If she is not ready for that then no amount of giving suggestions is going to help.
All true, unfortunately. Tracy’s best chance as others have said is to ramp up her personality, but it will likely be tricky so late in life, especially as it sounds like she coasted on her looks when she was younger.
Her other problem is she’s in the critical years of competition, due to her diminishing window of fertility. Her best bet is to find an older man who has made some mistakes but is capable of doing it right, now — easier said than done.
It’s a horrible reality that nobody likes to hear, and the fact is society has made it worse. It used to be structured so that people would marry young and then move on in life, but now we all think we can stay young forever — until we discover we can’t. More haves, and more have nots.
Women have benefitted hugely in their 20s — nor more chaperones to the ball and having one suitor and that’s your lot — but they suffer in their 30s and 40s. The good news is they tend to be happier in their 50s and beyond (stronger social networks etc) though that may be pretty hollow for Tracy right now.
Poor thing. One can say she did nothing, but flaunt her beauty, but being objective, why work on anything else when everything is being fed to you on a silver spoon? I thought the same thing when I was younger, look at all the beautiful people living the high life. They do it because it’s been proven that we all treat attractive people better. If we were in that position, most would probably end up doing the exact same thing! I agree, in the long run, these beautiful people have a window. When their beauty fades, they are left with their other attributes. Sadly, most never used or developed them because they were a one trick pony who relied on their good looks.
Personality is also quite innate imo. We are either born with a friendly, very open personality or not. You’d think she’d be able to develop it more given so many people come up to her, but perhaps not. I don’t know why her self-esteem is missing. Some guy might have wronged her bad.
Stacy should go back to church where she can learn her infinite worth and also find men who’s heads are turned by character, not fading looks.
n a way, I do think that the ‘beautiful’ people are at a disadvantage in the long term. Yes – maybe they get more opportunities now – but as many stated above, looks go away with age and unless you develop the rest of yourself, you lose.
That said, I believe it is harder for anyone to meet up as they age. Different stages in our lives provide different opportunities. It seems that generally we have more social groups when we are younger (plus more of us are unattached when younger).
Whatever her issue is, she needs to look to the future and make her way towards it on her own path.
The more beautiful you are, the more choices you have. It’s the paradox of choice, which leads to unhappiness. If all you had was that one path, you’d make the most of it and be happier imo!
Totally true, being beautiful means you spend your early years “dating” instead of developing interests and working on yourself, it’s easy to be on the oxytocin train and just netflix and chill the important years …meaning if it didn’t work, you’re pretty fucked.
I’m the eternal optimist; so here’s why I think Stacy’s gonna be just fine.
Right or wrong, she’s attractive – so there’ll always be opportunities. Next, if she wants a guy her age, there are tons of guys in their thirties getting divorced right now. 7 year itch. I know many people that got into marriages too young and their second marriage is much stronger – the right one. I’m not glamorizing divorce and I don’t envision my wife or I ever divorcing, but this is the reality I see in late 30s/early 40s guys/gals. Plus, the guy she meets now might be much more financially secure and she’s still young enough to have kids for another few years if it works out. Perhaps she’s also being too selective? Usually very attractive women don’t go unnoticed that long; we’re a visual species.
I like the optimistic outlook! I’m gonna read more about this 7 year itch thing you speak of.
That’s sad for her that she feels this way. Life is not over at 35, not even by a long shot. Every day can be enjoyed, and provides its own gifts.
As for meeting people, there are folks that get married at all ages – all the way up to 60’s and 70’s! For her to think that all the “good” people are gone for her is beyond ludicrous. Tracy needs a paradigm shift, and needs to stop clinging to her rigid structured view on how life is supposed to go. Then, life can be as good and happy as she chooses it to be.
I think there really is a different mindset of what life is like for single men at 35 vs single women at 35. I hope to read more perspective from women.
Tracy is screwed because Tracy is an empty shell. When she was 27 she made all the women hate her because she totally relied on looks to base a relationship on, and just flaunted herself around. Regarding men, What kind of man are you going to attract when wearing those outfits and you are also incredibly dull? I bet a guy she would love to meet now is not the kind of guy she would have given the time of day to back in her twenties. The fact is, looks can come and go, and they almost always ‘go’ as we get older. Tracy needs to develop the inside and allow people to see her flaws on the outside.
I have never had a huge self esteem, but one thing I always did was welcome just about anyone into my life. I did t judge, if I liked the person, then we hung out. I am guessing Tracy only accepted the company of the finest men.
I think many people can find love in their thirties, but people like tracy may never be satisfied.
That’s the thing though….. she didn’t make the other women hate her when she was young on purpose. They just did. Wasn’t her fault she got more attention than others.
It must be tougher though for attractive women to NOT find someone after than 27-35 year old window closes since they have higher expectations.
Well she wore those skin tight pants for softball that seemed to attract the men and such. Based on your description, she was looking for attention…
In your post, you state multiple times that she couldn’t find good looking guys her age. Maybe her standards are too high? What is good looking to her might be insanely good looking to someone else. I am not saying she should be chasing after a Gilbert Gottfried type, but maybe she just isn’t giving the right guys a chance.
Lululemon is all the rage now for athletic women here at least in SF. They are the yoga type pants that also help shape the butt.
I’m sure as time goes on, she will have to correspondingly lower her standards as she herself fades.
I’m not sure you worded that right…. I don’t think she should “lower her standards”. She needs to stop being quick to judge whom she might be attracted to. There has to be some attraction, but very often you don’t become attracted to someone until you get to know him/her. Physical attraction is much more than what a person looks like the first time you meet him.
Also, as time goes on, single people aren’t likely to lower their standards because they realize that being alone is better than being with someone you don’t love.
And she herself is probably not fading, only her superficial beauty may be.
How does one stop being attracted or not attracted to someone?
It’s a feeling, not a matrix.
I didn’t say “stop not being attracted to someone”…… I said “stop being quick to judge”. What I mean is…. when you first meet someone, you don’t necessarily notice they are attractive. It’s only when you take the time to get to know them that they become attractive to you. It happens all the time. But if you don’t take the time to get to know the person’, you’ll never know it.
And, yes, I totally agree.. it’s a feeling, but it’s not always love at first sight.
“good looking guys here age”.
Is she blind? There are tons of mid 30s SINGLE guys who aren’t bad looking. But then, if looks is all she’s apparently after … what can ya say.
Wow. Where to start. I married at 28, so I can’t really assume I understand Tracy’s perspective. However, if she feels old at 35, what the heck is she going to feel like at 40?! 35 isn’t old at all (I’m 39 so I can say that with ease!).
It sounds like she really needs to focus on the good things about herself and build her self-confidence. She needs to focus less on her looks and maybe more on her inner-self. If she’s still very attractive, like you mentioned, then there’s some other barrier preventing her from meeting a nice guy. And there’s nothing wrong with dating younger men (not that I’d know, but if I were single at my age, I’d go for it!)
5 years in the future always feels old. Remember when you were 15 and thought 20 was old?
It’s hard for folks in a loving relationship to fully understand what single folks are going through I think. This includes myself. Sometimes, we are just unlucky in finding someone.
i agree that her attitude is whats killing her chances not her looks
She should accept it and try going out with older guys. There are plenty of older good looking gentlemen like me. :) I’m off the market though.
She has to be a bit more proactive and look around a bit, join an internet dating site. It’s a big change from her 20s when everyone is chasing her and she can pick an choose, but she has to face reality. I think men in their 30s want to date women in their 20s.
Joe, I will apologize to her for you being off the market!
I’m 27 now and I already feel like I’ve missed my chance to find someone. All my friends have partners– partners they met during or just after university– and are now starting to get married. I don’t live in a small town either, I live in London. The only men that give me the time of day are men in their 40’s and 50’s going through a mid-life crisis. I can’t figure out why men my age (the very few single ones I know) aren’t interested
Hmmmm…. I’m surprised you feel that way since 27 is quite young in my book. I would think that in a city like London, there would be tons of late 20s to mid 30-year old guys looking.
Who are the 27-35 year old guys hitting on?
Its never to late to find someone. My first husband passed away when i was 36. Two years later i met my second husband. A very sweet handsome loving man, weve been married 10 years now and it still feels like we are newlyweds. Its all in your attitude.
Stacy, you really lucked out when you met your second husband. But for many of us men that came from a very bad marriage since we had our Ex Wives that cheated on us unfortunately, which now it makes it very hard for many of us trying to find love all over again. And i know other friends that had this happened to them as well. Love was very easy to find in the past since there was a lot more commitment in those days, compared to today. A great deal of marriages did last as well. Today for many of us men, it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Was it self esteem or something else? Beautiful women do not have to develop their other skills like personality, knowledge and humor. As you said, her beauty got everyone’s attention, but she did nothing with it. Now she comes across jealous and bitter, neither of which is attractive. Life is not over at 35, but she would have to change her outlook and more.
I have a friend who’s turning 40, very beautiful, and an attorney. And miserably single.
When someone we know is getting married, we don’t even want to be the first to let her know.
A trade off… super education and a successful career……. or to find that someone.
You mentioned that her personality is rather dull. I think that could be why she’s had problems along with low self esteem. She should try to be less focused on dreaming about finding a guy and more on finding her passion in life. Once she has happiness of her own I’m sure she will naturally start to attract guys that are interested in her as a person which is more important than looks. Unfortunately looks fade for all of us over time but personality can always shine. -Sydney
Yes, her personality really is kinda dull. It’s almost as if it’s stunted in some way. Good point in being happy with oneself before being able to attract others.
I would have to agree with David. Well said man. Love can be found at any age, but one has to A) get out there and do something about it B) change their attitudes/actions C) expectations needs to be lowered.
Money and careers will always come and go, true love is hard to find. What’s the point of having all the money and toys if you have no one to share it with.
The concept of this terrifies me sometimes, and I’m only 24!
It gets more scary at 29!
I wouldn’t overly focus on it. Just make sure you network and meet folks to have that healthy nexus of friends. You never know who you might meet!
Being an older guy married for 22 years, I guess I never would have thought of the issues that you raise. It is too bad that this had to happen for Tracy. I am somewhat concerned for my daughters as they get older. As a father, I want them to be safe and secure and happy whatever life sends their way.
Wow, way to depress me on a Friday morning! At 28 and single, I’d like to think I’m not in some kind of race to remarry in 2 years or spend my life alone, but it does feel that way sometimes. That said, I’m in no hurry. I tried dating after my divorce and it was a disaster! I’ve learned that it’s most important to be happy being me first, and if a relationship happens, that’s great. If not, I’m okay. The last thing I want to do is rush into a second marriage and end up divorced again.
I’ve never had to deal with being super attractive, so I can’t speak to that aspect of this issue. I do know that some of my most attractive friends have a harder time finding someone because they’re too darn picky! Instead of looking for someone they care about, they’re more worried about finding someone who “matches” them in terms of looks. It’s easy to waste a lot of time with that kind of mindset.
Sorry Andrea! Hope you’re feeling better now that it’s not a Friday :)
I wouldn’t hurry if I were you. Been there, done that! Besides, you have a great kid and have a lot on your plate. If it happens, it happens!
Of course life is not over for Tracy or any other single woman in their 30’s – all they need to do is change their attitude/actions!
You wrote – “She curses the city and her misfortune.” I say, leave the city and go anywhere else in the world. Regarding misfortune – change whatever she is doing?
No one can change their past, however, everyone can change their future!!!
Of course I have treated people differently because they are more attractive. I will also admit that I have treated people differently because they are less attrative. I am not proud of these things but am being honest.
Thanks for your honestly. It’s so interesting how we operate.
Changing attitudes and actions could be it……………… I guess when you want it bad enough, you will change.