A super motivated boyfriend is great. There’s just one problem, you might have trouble locking him down.
“Why won’t he marry me?” pops up a lot nowadays. Seemingly beautiful, smart women can’t find the love of their lives, and when they do, they can’t lock them down.
Women have it tougher today. It amazes me how some can juggle career and motherhood so well. Those who do deserve a gold star because there are only so many hours in a day.
What’s less talked about is the pressure society puts on men to succeed. Women need to know that men have it rough too. Society expects us to provide, and provide some more!
Ever since I was a kid, my parents stressed the importance of education, so that I can make enough money to support a family and support them. The pressure was latent, but immense making each poor grade or non-promotion that much more stressful. When you’re a teenage boy, frankly all you want to do is chase girls and not plan out the next two decades of your life!
The Super Motivated Boyfriend (SMB) is a curious being. He is a potential gem to any women out there with enough polishing.
Polish him too much and he loses his edge and rolls away. It’s important to understand his ambitions, for once you do, wedding bells won’t be far away!
Five Ways To Get Your Super Motivated Boyfriend To Marry You
1) SMB’s Are Insecure.
SMB’s are terrified of failure given the massive amount of expectations placed upon them since they were kids. The more education they receive (i.e. grad school), the more time and money spent, and the more is expected of them to become great successes.
Some SMB’s are late bloomers, which is even worse because they are playing catch up with peers who’ve already checked all the boxes growing up. Beware of the late bloomer SMB!
Action: Be selfless in your support, no matter how silly his goals are. SMB’s need constant reinforcement that they are doing the right thing, even though you think they’re not.
2) SMB’s Set Target Ages For Achievement.
A classic target age is 30. Where many women shoot to marry by 30, the SMB generally has some type of monetary, or career goal they must achieve by then. SMB’s are often told that by the time they’re 30, they’ll have either made it, or failed completely. Talk about pressure!
What’s important to realize is that the closer your SMB is to 30 without much to show for, the less he’ll likely want to marry you. The other typical age targets are 35, 40, and 45. It’s important to find out what his age anchors are.
Action: Assess whether you think he’ll reach his dreams by 30, or whatever his age anchor may be. If you don’t think he is going to become a Vice President in his firm by then, you should either dump him while you’re still young, or reset your marriage expectations by the corresponding years you think it’ll take for him to reach his goals. The choice is yours.
3) SMB’s Have Big Ego’s, Stroke Wisely.
Despite being insecure, SMB’s often come across as overly confident. Because they’ve been working towards their one goal for so long and with so much effort, any person who doesn’t share their passion will be scoffed at.
It may be the simple smirk during a conversation, or the brush off during an initial meeting once they find out what the other guys does. SMB’s believe they are the best thing since sliced bread and have superiority complexes.
Action: Realize that a lot of his ego is born out of his insecurities. Give your boyfriend constant reinforcement, while complimenting him on his successes. There will always be some other colleague of his who gets paid more, or gets promoted before him, so make him feel like he’s doing a great job.
4) SMB’s Like To Play The Field.
The deadliest SMB is the good looking SMB. He’s confident, motivated, and makes women other than yourself swoon. Meeting a career-oriented, highly motivated man is attractive enough. Add on good looks and it’s game over! The hot SMB is hardest to lock down.
Because they are insecure and know they are handsome, they need even more reinforcement than you can give him. He also needs the attention of other fine ladies who will oooh and ahh at his stature and success.
Action: Let him loose, or else he will resent you. All men have the insatiable desire to flirt with women. You may think you are only innocently inquiring about his whereabouts through your constant texting, but in his eyes every single inquiry is a nag.
The more you inquire, the more you nag, and the more he’s reminded of being in youth prison where his mom doesn’t allow him to go out and play!
Related: Marrying Your Equal Is Better Than Marrying Rich
5) Super Motivated Boyfriends Love Confident Women.
Nothing turns off SMB’s more than a woman who doesn’t know what she wants. If you’re the type of girl who always replies “you choose” when it comes to watching a movie, you have very little chance of becoming Mrs. SMB.
Part of the attractiveness of a confident woman is the counterbalance of an SMB’s own insecurities. SMB’s think subconsciously that if a strong, confident, sexy women wants to be with them, they must be doing something right with their lives.
Action: Have a core group of girlfriends you can always hang out with. He needs to know you can have fun without him. Tell him about your plans with other girls and never invite him. The more you spend time with your girlfriends, the more the SMB wants to spend time with you.
Don’t believe me? Next time you’re with your boyfriend, tell him that you are spending time with your girlfriends one Thursday and don’t ask him what he’s doing. He’ll come groveling to spend all the time he can with you when you return.
There’s nothing more attractive to an SMB than a women who can show her feminine side and kick butt in the board room.
Don’t Let Your Super Motivated Boyfriend Get Away
You may be the most loving girlfriend in the world, but if you don’t understand the pressures and milestone targets every SMB faces, you’re going to have an awfully difficult time locking him down. Having a SMB is both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, your SMB is so focused on making a name for himself that he loses sight of you. On the other hand, if your SMB finally achieves his goals with your support, he will not only emerge as a secure person, he will be forever grateful and want to take care of you forever!
Related posts about boyfriends and relationships:
How To Get A Rich Man To Be Your Husband
The New Rules For Engagement Ring Buying
The Average Net Worth For The Above Average Married Couple
This post was originally published on February 9, 2010. It has since been updated for 2021+. There’s nothing greater than having a partner to spend your life with, especially during difficult times.
For more nuanced personal finance content, join 100,000+ others and sign up for the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Financial Samurai is one of the largest independently-owned personal finance sites that started in 2009. Everything is written based off firsthand experience.
Super late to the game. Its interesting as I think i am dating SMB right now. I wonder if you can help me (assuming if by chance you do read this comment). The guy I am with, we are not in a relationship. We dated for 1 month and he said he wanted to be just friends. He is a grad student at H university in Cambridge/Boston and he is planning to transition to a top consultant firm. So he puts all his energy into preparing for the interview. He is also applying for his green card (which luckily he got after 6 month). I on the other hand are successful to him, (not to myself, i think i am doing very averagely) I work in I-Banking but on the technology side making low 6 figures. I own my own apartment in one of the best neighborhood but only by the help of my mom. He said he cannot commit to a relationship where he feels like he is so uncertain about his situation. He told me he likes me a lot he just can’t be with me until he reaches his goal. And when i read your description of SMB, it fits him to the T. He is highly insecure, but at the same time he is very handsome, he has a complex of being really confident of himself but also extremely insecure at the same time. I on the other hand is in general very positive and extroverted person. I always try to give him as much as encouragement as i can, and support him 120%.
AT first I thought he is just using this as excuse but since we decided to be friend, he would call me every single day, and we will hang out 3, 4 times a week including every Saturday for the whole day. And it has been consistent for 1 year. He will tell me he is not and do not want to date anyone else, which it is true as he does not have the time or energy for anything else. He is not a flirtatious person at all rather a very serious person. besides his job, he spends 3 hours every single day on practicing in additional to various business club he participate in to boost his chance at the consulting firms. He will tell me if he has any free time and if i want he will spend it with me. He will call me and tell me how he did after every practice of the case study and every business club meeting who he met. He will accompany me to all the social events i asked him to. He met all my friends, and he treats my dog as his own. So i hope he will get the job if he doesn’t i think probably I shd call it off base on your blog?
I appreciate your blog and have learned a lot from it, but I must say this article kind of puts me off because of the mold it presents. I’m an 18 year old female, and my life goals certainly don’t culminate in “marry by 30”; I’m the “SMB”! But the way this is written is a little damning. The way to “lock down” a super motivated boyfriend is to not give a shit about locking anyone down and be super motivated yourself, not to be whiny and dependent and google ways to get someone to marry you. What if I want to play the field? What if I am the one setting age based achievement goals? I know you didn’t mean any of this in a demeaning way, and I’m certainly not coming from an accusatory place, I’m just genuinely disappointed by the assumptions. I came here from a link in the “First Million” article because I thought the title sounded a little curious. In any case, I’ll just keep reading, keep hustling, and keep working my way to *my* first million, and anyone else along the way who shows up can just deal with it. Cheers!
I wonder how many women reading this blog would fit into the category of women who are trying to lock down their guys for financial reasons. I’d think that your female contingent would be a lot more financially savvy / set. Would have been more interesting to see this from your own POV – are you trying to snag a woman who’s well off financially? Or are you just presuming that the woman will be more financially dependent?
Also, unless if one person in the relationship is making extremely little money (or not working), there is a pretty significant marriage tax. All the women that I know who are financially savvy are less likely to get married / re-married as a result of it.
Check out:
How To Get Your Spouse To Work Longer So You Can Retire Earlier
The Marriage Penalty Tax: When Does It Kick In?
Scraping By On $200,000 A Year
Sorry you just misidentified what ego is. Its not overconfidence or the act of being “cocky”. Ego isn’t really something we identify with especially if we’ve studied some Theology class that touched upon Buddhism. Its something we suppress. Ego is associated with psychotic behavior. We tend to think it is the underlying cause of most “evil” in this world. Most psychotherapists will tell you people with any ego will lie cheat steal and kill to protect their ego from being identified. If that thing in your head said “That’s not me! He’s referring to crazy people” I have some bad news for you. Your ego just told you what you needed to hear to prevent you from identifying it. That thing in your head is what is limiting you from excelling. Identify it and realize what it does. There are of course varying degrees of ego or the other “I” “me” or “my”. For example there is always someone that everyone here knows that acts like a real jack ass on the freeway. You know the type. Its the guy that wont let anyone pass him. Then there is the other self or possessive my. This is where ego becomes “acceptable” by society’s standard. It simply makes life more interesting and glamorous. Examples of this includes things like “my watch” “my house” “my girlfriend”. Realize these things we think we own really aren’t something we own. We are more or less temporary stewards of them. Simply put its a watch, a house, a girlfriend. The point is no SMB (as you have so delicately put it) will ever identify with the term ego. Simply put we don’t have them. They are dead weight.
I can’t believe I found such a on-point article. My SMB is 29 and I’m 28. We’ve been together 6 months and up until me, he told me gf’s were more of a companion to date and spend time with rather than being a serious committed relationship. I feel completely stuck in that I genuinely love my SMB to bits and when we’re together it’s really great, but I’m bound by his schedule and he even bought me an ipad so we can plan our get-togethers and facetime when he’s away for work. I’d love nothing more than pin him down but as you’ve rightly indicated, these types of people respond to independent, self-fulfilled women which isn’t always me. His age anchor for children for eg is 40. Now for me that’s too late and although i’m reasonably career oriented, 35 is an absolute push for me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if I’m not satisfied with the way things are now (and I certainly can’t even picture a future of ‘us’ in terms of marriage, living together, babies) where can I go from here?! I don’t want to end things as I deeply love him but I can’t see a way to improve the situation for me.
How did you find this article always curious to know?
I think you have to be greedy for yourself and see who else is out there while you wait.
Hi Sam, via google when I typed in something like ‘career-orientated’ boyfriend. I can’t do what you suggest, not when I have the feelings I do for SMB. Thank you for replying, I’ve been reading a little about you and am following you on Twitter. I do feel like I want to talk to him about it but I doubt that although he loves me I believe he would be willing to just let me go – perhaps something I fear more than anything.
The BF just sold his company? Sounds like he’s a good catch. Lock him down! :)
Nice post. But I work hard too, and am very driven to succeed. I am a RN. Very Confident and established. Own my own beautiful home, and have lots of girlfriends. He own’s his own home too. We’ve been together for 2.5 years. Enough already. Men invented marriage, so what is their problem?
Marriage is a bad business deal for guys nowadays. Financially you are on the hook and getting your kids 50/50 is considered being lucky.
SMBs are rational actors, why do you expect them to enter a terrible business deal?
SMBs know: You can either build a family or control assets. You can’t do both. Any assets you have while married can be taken away at any time.
From a 35 year old SMB worth 25-30 million USD. Never married and never will.
Great article! My boyfriend’s definitely an SMB. I don’t see how this is a controversial post – I would have totally have you write this for my blog if I had the chance =p
Thanks for this. My boyfriend is an SMB. I’m a home body. People pleaser. This advice helps me to see his perspective. Nothing offensive about it!
Excellent write up. I don’t see any reason for women to get offended by this post!
Hahahaha. The great thing about the Internet and their blogs: it’s never too late to post. Perhaps this is why my wife and are not getting along too well. I’m super-motivated and she always says, “you choose.”
What the hell was so wrong with this post that Wisebread didn’t accept it?
They felt it would offend women, which make up a majority of their readers. It’s cool, I can see that. They are running a business and don’t want to offend anybody.
Although I don’t think this article is offensive, I also don’t rely on this blog to live.
This is so funny because it sounds like too much work for women to be worth it. And it’s unfair to box all the SMBs this way. You are right in one thing, though. I also believe that confident women who live their lives to the fullest are most attractive to SMBs.
BTW, I’m a 30yo female and involved with a 27yo SMB. We don’t fit the mold you’ve described coz he’s the sensitive partner and I’m the one with the ego to be stroked. And I’m marrying him next year.
Congrats! I guess you are the SMG! Feel free to share your story here and write a post if you wish! I’m always fascinated by these dynamics. Cheers, Sam
ADD-ON: about the ego thing, yes there are plenty of SMB’s that have ego issues, but then there are those of us who see through the “Matrix” (what society would like you to think to control you) – and are making conscious and active choices daily to create the life they want. But I agree there is a fine line with letting ego take over, so awareness must be kept high!
Getting spiritual on a PF blog – ha!
Great post. I guess when I’ve had girlfriends I would be considered an SMB. Especially now that I’m trying to get successful with my personal finance blog and possibly start some other businesses. I don’t want to be tied down and domesticated, that just doesn’t work for me.
I guess I don’t understand what the big motivation is for marriage other than that’s what society says should be done. Marriage is for the family unit and the children.
I often think that women are attracted to a man, want to marry him, but then if he becomes too much of a domesticated dog and loses his edge, women will look for “attention” outside of the marriage. And it works vice verse. But that’s simply because people get caught up in thinking that the other person will “complete them” – which is just media and Hollywood sold BS. Only person that can complete yourself is you, and having a partner is an add on. That’s the only way it will truly work. They can’t complete you, and you can’t complete them.
Good stuff David, and thanks for your thoughts. If you are really serious about building up your PF site, then you should consider joining the Yakezie Alexa Ranking Challenge. https://www.financialsamurai.com/2010/01/20/creating-powerful-friends-the-alexa-ranking-challenge/
Cheers
@ Monevator Yes actually, that is attractive. We would say “Phwoar”. Women find it adorable and recognize the value of long-term relationships, even if they don’t want to be in one. Believe me, it’s easy to get jealous of people in stable relationships, even if you’ve consciously chosen casual ones.
Recently, I was hanging out with MBAs in their late 20s/early thirties. I suppose that they are SMBs. All of them have smoking hot [seriously!] girls in committed relationships and none of them were anywhere near as beautiful as their significant others. They weren’t ugly, but they weren’t Kaneshiro Takeshi. This article explains some of it.
If I ever get married [long way off when you’re a teenager] then it will probably be to one of the SMBs and he will be older than me.
And @Ryan/Planting Dollars yes, she exists somewhere out there for you. And by somewhere out there I mean somewhere in Hawaii you’ll find a girl who’ll do that. Right now, I’m at a point where I’m nowhere near anything serious; Gen Y girls stay in that period for a pretty long time. And that’s why you’ll find a casual girlfriend.
I enjoyed this post! My boyfriend of 4 years is a SMB to the core, although interestingly he is the one who cares about being married and even about the wedding itself. It’s important to him, though, so I try to be supportive even though I think it’s silly (like you say to do!). Our wedding date is something like 2 months after he pays off his credit cards, so that’s his milestone/age hangup. Which is smart, since I don’t want to marry his debt :-) I do the worst at having outside friendships with other women, mostly because I moved to this city to be with him and it turns out it’s tough to make friends as a grownup once you’re not in school anymore! I do try, though.
Oh wow, that’s VERY smart for you guys to set a goal of paying off the credit cards first before marriage. That’s got to be some great motivation for him!
Good luck you two!
.-= admin´s last blog ..The Mental To Physical Connection For A Healthier Lifestyle =-.
@Neal
Congrats on the 23 years! You should write on your site how you’ve made it work so long!
@Bytta @151 Days Off
That’s the beauty of America and having your own site. You can say whatever you want! There is some SMB in all of us males. One of my hopes was so that the article could speak to as many men as possible, and help them help their girlfriends to help their relationship. Hopefully the article has succeeded, a little bit.
@Sandy L
Hmmm… hold to a lower standard than their prospective mate? Why is that? Is it due to laziness that the mate will balance them out or something? You’d think you’d want to really upkeep yourself so you can attract the other mate.
Actually, perhaps you are saying once the mate has been found, one lets themselves go.
@Monevator
OK, will stop doing situps! Tell me, does the bad teeth stereotype exist? Do English folks like bad teeth, or is it not the cultural norm to get braces, floss, and brush regularly?
@ Sam – Washboard abs are partly genetic. If your fat cells are distributed around your midriff, forget it. Have another pizza!
Incidentally, a media chum was telling me the other day that only one UK Men’s Health cover model has ever been from the UK, because they can’t find guys ripped enough here. This chap didn’t have the full xylophone ad set, and apparently the mag sales plunged! So they went back to taking US models from the US mag.
See, we don’t just have bad teeth here in England. ;)
When I read this, I actually thought of your “C students/A lifestyles” article because of the confident woman comment. I actually find people struggle when they try to find a mate that is not their equal. A lazy girl who wants to find a man to take care of her. A fat beer drinking guy wants an aerobicized supermodel.
I don’t necessarily think some people are “too picky” as a previous commenter said of her girlfriends. I actually think that some people hold themselves to a lower standard than they do a prospective mate.
The first thing that popped into my mind when I saw this article was “how come I didn’t know Takeshi Kaneshiro earlier? Duh!” Thanks for that.
Second, I think it’s brave of you to blurt out this macho-oriented opinion. You could have been stoned to death by most female readers.
Generally I agree with Money Funk and Monevator. I would never go out with a guy who’s prettier than me… too dangerous. Most girls think that way. And insecure guys don’t have to be pretty or ambitious.
You wrote: “The idea is to be selfless in promoting others, a key theme I keep going back to. In this case, “others” is the SMB.”
From the get go, I have the feeling that you know too many intimate details about the subject that I’m almost sure you speak from the heart :). It’s you, ain’t it?
I must say, I’ve been out of circulation for a long time. I’d have to say that I am a fairly motivated guy but my wife has never ever pushed me. In fact, neither of us push each other at all. Maybe that’s why we’re still married 23 years later – and our relationship improves daily!
@Kevin@OutOfYourRut
Hi Kevin, yes I have to admit I was nervous putting up this post, but after 4 months of keeping it under wraps, I thought WHAT THE HECK, and what’s the worst that could happen? Someone calls me a name, or says I’m a chauvinist pig or whatever. Oh well. The whole theme of this site is to “slice through money’s mysteries”… or slice through a lot of crap we read and here.
We’re in a hyper competitive society, and I’m just saying that if a woman has been dating her BF for 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 +++ years and wants to settle down…… there may be some issues with the guy that she really needs to understand. Once she does, I am absolutely positive good things will happen.
I don’t know if guys will get offended by this post. Yeah, we are considered more stoic, but hopefully not only does the post help women, it also therefore helps the guy!
Interesting facts/numbers you highlight which I did not think about. And for the record, if I starve myself for 2 days and do 10,000 sit ups, I will have washboard abs! j/k.
.-= admin´s last blog ..Someone Always Farts In A Crowd =-.
Awesome, thought-provoking post! Isn’t it a pity you almost didn’t post this?
So far, I’ve only known you from your comments on other blogs, and what you gave away there was enough for me to conclude you have interesting things to say, but often you’ll keep them to yourself and just stick with agreeing with what others say. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to read that you didn’t post this for 4 months. I’m looking forward to seeing more gems like this post and the one on “the dark side of early retirement!” Let me start by checking out the archives of your blog!
About the content of the post: I can relate in the sense that I’m a guy and I don’t want to settle down and have kids yet because there’s important stuff I want to do first! :-) Yep, career-related.
@Mike
Hmmm, she’s not nice. Might have to find yourself a new gf! lol.
@Monevator
Yeah, another pithy 1600 word post from you on your site. Well done keeping up with your goal of limiting the length to 500! Only 900 words too many, but I have faith in you! Actually, I never counted how many words this post is….. looks like 1,300.. but 200 is the questions and special note part, so that doesn’t count.
@Money Reasons
Thanks for highlighting the quote. In fact, if one reads this post carefully, one will find a lot of interesting innuendos in the phrases i.e. SMB’s have big egos, “stroke wisely” etc. But of course, maybe I’m just kidding!
@Money Funk
Au contraire! The SMB totally wants to settle… perhaps more than any UMB (unmotivated boyfriend) will ever want to settle! He just needs to get his life sorted first, and then as I wrote in the final paragraph, he will cherish and take care of his woman FOREVER! The intensity he has towards work, success whatever simple gets transferred over.
.-= admin´s last blog ..Do “C” Students Deserve “A” Lifestyles? =-.
Sorry about this shallow comment, but..
I think that quote “Polish him too much and he loses his edge and rolls away” is great!!!
But, I do find myself nodding to most of what the Monevator says, especially for a certain faction of the male population…
@Sam – Yeah, you’d never guess at these searing emotional depths from my 1600 word report on last night’s Joseph Stiglitz lecture in London, eh?
I try to watch what people do, not what they say.
@moneyfunk – Agreement in an Internet discussion? Unprecedented!
@Monevator @admin
I LOVE your comment, Monevator! I meant to say, “soothed by flirtatious words (outside of the relationship)”. If I remained the single woman I always wanted to be when I was younger…I would be this type of man. LOL.
And you’re right – he would get bored and move on. I do believe that the SMB is not meant to settle. Unless some situation totally transforms the man’s way of thinking.
@admin
I think her criticism was “stupid.”
Sounds about right.
Sam, this post took guts, I can’t believe someone else wouldn’t publish it. It may offend women, but it’s probably more offensive to men because it reveals a side of some men that while entirely true, isn’t entirely complimentary.
Isn’t it true though that men at all economic levels have traditionally been more reluctant to get married? It’s usually women who drive marriage, and it’s always been. Genetically men tend to more oriented toward the hunt, and the most successful men (according to social norms) tend to be the best hunters and therefore the hardest to marry.
That said, I think there are a number of reasons it may be harder to marry today:
1) As someone said above, the imperative to marry is no longer there
2) Everyone, including women, but especially men, are living in an extended adolescence. A man today “isn’t ready” at 30 to take on what earlier generations of men took on at 20.
3) There are more women than men in absolute numbers
4) Women now outnumber men on college campuses and the gap is growing
5) Fast track/success oriented men in particular are concerned about divorce settlements. The divorce rate is much higher now than it was “back in the good old days”.
Not sure how to quantify this point, but life is more complicated now than ever, and I think both men and women know it and are feeling it. Marriage seemed more natural during slower, more predictable times. We’re all expected to be supermen and superwomen, holding high powered jobs, raising perfect little child protegies, living the high life and doing it all with washboard abs. That’s too much pressure for anyone.
Maybe we all need to relax and leave a few things on the table!
.-= Kevin@OutOfYourRut´s last blog ..7 Reasons Super Bowl Monday is THE Day to Start a Diet =-.
@Brenton Gieser
Brenton, I would seriously be curious to hear what she has to say after reading the article. Just say “no’ to emasculation! lol. Also, if you know she’s the one, ya better lock it down within 5 years! If not, have her come back to this article then.
@Ryan @ Planting Dollars
Super Motivated Bacherlor… brilliant new take! Fantastic SMB ad. I’m sure there are plenty of women in Hawaii who will respond and be all over you!
@Money Funk
Glad you’re honest C! Isn’t flirtation a key ongoing aspect of a healthy relationship though? Yes, it would be worrying to have a really good looking man. But, I would argue it would be worrying to have a really wealthy man with a lot of power. Power corrupts, absolutely!
@Charlie
Aren’t we always right? Slap slap slap. lol.
.-= admin´s last blog ..Do “C” Students Deserve “A” Lifestyles? =-.
@Monevator
WOW! Monevator, tell us how your really feel! I’m impressed with how you laid it all out there. Well done. You get today’s “Feelings Gold Star” for not beating around the bush and telling it the way it is.
Interesting take with good looking SMB guys being “taught by women” to behave the way they do. You have an interesting take bringing up the divorce rate, and people giving you a shout when it goes back down to 20%.
I’m thinking about starting “Mad Money Men Magazine” here if you would like to to be a co-founder or contributing editor/writer. I really feel your passion. There must be some story behind it that’s wanting to get out!
Best, Sam
Money Funk sums it up to be honest, though I’m not 100% sure in quite the way she means.
There’s very little incentive for high value men like this to settle down with one woman, because women themselves don’t really rate the traits of settling down style men anymore – certainly no until they’re well into their 30s. They lust over bad boys and outsiders. (Well, they always did if you look at Austen etc, but marriage and society held back their desires).
Women, honestly, how often do you sit around with your friends saying “Jill’s husband Bob is great. Kind, quiet, uncomfortable talking to flirty women, loves to spend time at home with me and the kids” and then all your friends go “Phwoar!”
Exactly, never.
Money Funk may say men like this are for ‘fun’ but given men are more naturally inclined towards the fun side of the equation, it’s no big hardship for these guys to stay roaming about in fun mode — they’re practically being taught to by women and their behaviour.
(And I speak as someone who is closer to a SMB than the opposite. But I wasn’t always. I see no reason to settle down at all except occasional pangs of love. You might say that’s enough, but is it? Really? It never was for 2000 years).
I always get taken to task for saying stuff like this, but give me a shout when the divorce rate is back down at 20% or similar and I’ll listen.
We’ve made these values, as a society. I’m not saying everyone reading this follows these sorts of values. But as a block the culture does, and the culture reflects people.
Basically, don’t bother making him settle down. One day you won’t find him attractive anymore when he settles – by definition – and he’ll get bored anyway.
If you want a husband, find someone with material husband who happens to be single, not an alpha male you think you can convert or tame.
Well… that struck a chord. Except as an SMB (super motivated bachelor) I just avoid the whole relationship bit altogether. SMB absolutely killed a previous relationship so I’ve learned its almost pointless to be in one.
My SMB ad: Recent insecure college grad shooting for professional shark photographer / successful internet entrepreneur by age 30 seeks woman who’s confident and allows me to play the field. Think she exists? ;)
If I passed this to my girls she would give me a “psshhh…5 tips…u need this article written for you”. So without emasculating myself any more than I already have I’ll just say great post and I’m ready for the next one!!
ha nice, great article. Yes relationships can be quite a touchy subject for some! My advice is to be honest, work on communication and to always listen and consider the other person’s point of view even if you’re convinced they’re wrong and you’re right. :) No one is right 100% of the time.
ha nice, great article. Yes relationships can be quite a touch subject for some! My advice is to be honest, work on communication and to always listen and consider the other person’s point of view even if you’re convinced they’re wrong and you’re right. :) No one is right 100% of the time.
@Jun Loayza
Hey buddy, thanks for reading. I’d definitely like to hear her feedback. Frankly, I think any guy who went to college (or not) and wants to to really succeed, and not just settle for OK has some SMB in them.
Hit me up next time you are in SF. My month quota for going out was kinda reached last weekend though. Ha.
This post spoke to me.
I’ll have to forward it to my girlfriend and see what she thinks. Hopefully she doesn’t kick my ass or something.
My fav is #5. Confident women rock my socks
@youngandthrifty
Glad you enjoyed the post! I actually wrote it pretending like I was auditioning for Cosmo Magazine. Maybe I should have actually really submitted it.
UMB, that’s awesome! Hmmm, maybe i will write a contra post entitled “What To Do With An Unmotivated Boyfriend?” lol. Sweet!
I definitely feel like I’ve made the SMB out to be a slimy bad guy. He isn’t. He’s misunderstood!
Boundaries are a good idea. Women who set them saying “Marry me by 30 or else I’m outta here” just need to really be ready to leave cuz a lot of guys aren’t down with ultimatums, which is what it really is. You know how your parents say don’t do it, makes you want to do it more right?
Thanks for your thoughts. I feel more and more like I understand women now.
@WellHeeledBlog
Hi WH, thanks for your thoughts and insights. I enjoy “novel length” comments from readers! Maybe I’ve made the SMB out to be a prick, I donno. It’s just what I know, and I’m revealing it to the world. I don’t think I’m a prick (maybe sometimes), and I sure would love some emotional support and understanding from my girlfriend. No need to cajole me into doing anything. Just be supportive and understand my own goals, as I will hers.
It’s the women who push and push and pressure the guy to get married, who ironically don’t get married. I’m just trying to highlight the reasons WHY a guy might not want to get married yet at age 29,30,31,32-40 whatever. There’s just a lot of pressure on guys that nobody really talks about. Since there’s so much pressure, marriage just adds to the pressure, which may be too much to take for some SMB’s.
Would you rather marry a guy too early who then goes nuts in the marriage afterwards, or let the guy have his freedom and achieve some set goals and then marry him? I’d take the latter.
In your second comment, you revert back to focusing on the woman again. Yes, this post is meant to help single women who are frustrated with their noncommital boyfriends….. but really, the soul of the post is about the man and his issue.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Sam
.-= admin´s last blog ..Do “C” Students Deserve “A” Lifestyles? =-.
@Jane
Hmmm, it’s sad how time robs us of our beauty, but it’s commendable your friends are holding out for that perfect someone. No need to settle. Maybe they’ll be a lone in the end, but at least they didn’t settle, and have friends and family to support them. Does this sound sad?
@Cynthia
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I would love to be a stay at home dad, and take care of the house and make money online. I think it would be a lot of fun! Good luck in all you do.
.-= admin´s last blog ..The Most Important Tip For Job Hoppers: Join People, Not Firms =-.
P.S. IMHO to get the SMB to ask you to marry him, I think if you set boundaries (read: boundaries, not threats!) then it’ll happen.
Don’t just “wait and hope” that he will ask you. Tell him: “HEY! My eggs are gonna expire soon. I want to get married before I am 30. Propose to me before I am 30 or else I am out”.
I love this post! Especially the picture (drool!). I can’t believe it was rejected. It’s like a post straight out from Cosmo magazine! =)
I think that with SMB’s or UMB (unmotivated boyfriends lol!) or any boyfriend, us girlfriends need to step back and be our own individuals (grrrrl power!). The cliche that you have to “love yourself before you love others” is very true. I agree that 50/50 partnership is really where it’s at.
Besides, I’m actually quite turned off by SMB’s. I think it’s the whole ego thing. I don’t like guys with ego who need their ego stroked (yuck!).
And another thing.. we should recognize society’s influences on people, especially on gender roles. But at some point, you have to be able to start making your own changes. So societal and cultural norms tends to groom women to be less assertive, which hurts us when it comes time for salary negotiations. It’s helpful to understand the cultural background of why many women find it difficult to ask for raises or bonuses. BUT – after I understand the cultural background, *I* have to ask and *I* have to learn to negotiate. A company won’t say, oh, well, women tends to ask for less so let’s recognize that and offer them a higher salary. That’s not how it works.
Along the same vein, society’s influence on men and their self-esteem as it relates to monetary or professional accomplishments is undeniable. And on the whole, women are encouraged to express their feelings much more than men are. But at the end of the day, men has to take the step to understand the background, and then work to make it better. If they want to be better understood and have better communication in their relationships, they have to make the effort. Maybe they’ll read a book on more effective personal communication. Maybe they go to counseling. Maybe they start by talking to friends or their partners.
Sorry to write a novel! :p Don’t mean to hijack your post.
Very interesting post. But I don’t know… I’m kind of with Geek on this. The SMBs in this post doesn’t really sound like people I want to build a life with. I mean – the constant ego-stroking, the “let loose / play the field”, the insecurities. All this says “emotional hand-holding” to me, which is not appealing. Like you said in the comments, marriage should be a partnership.
I hope I treat my partner the way I want to be treated – with love, respect, and good intentions. My job isn’t to “get” someone to marry me, and it’s not to ‘stroke someone’s ego’ and ‘let him play the field’ so that he wants to marry me – it’s to discover with my partner if marriage is what we both want, how do we build a foundation that will provide for a loving and successful lifelong partnership.
Bottom line, if a lady needs to be pushing and cajoling and emotionally hand-holding her man to keep the relationship, then what’s the point?
You make some good points, but the truth hurts. Life is short, and it’s tough to figure it all out and be successful at everything.
I’m happy to work 10 years after college, and be a mom. Nothing makes me happier than being a stay at home mom, and work on some small side business on line. Of course, I need my husband to work and bring home the income. We’re a team.
Society frowns upon men sharing their feelings because it’s a deep seated cultural norm. Women are more sensitive than men exactly because society coddles women. When we get coddled too much, we become overly sensitive and demanding when things go our way. Guys don’t get coddled, and therefore grown up more “insensitive”… even though as you say, deep down, there’s something in them that wants a voice.
Well done.
Fun post and intriguing! FS, I think you hit the nail on the head wrt to guys liking strong, independent women and guys who are not ready to marry until they achieve certain milestones by a certain age.
Women may get upset reading this article, but sometimes the truth hurts. If we women are 25 and waiting for Mr Right to check at least 8 out of 10 criteria, we may go well into our 30’s and beyond before ever finding a man.
A couple girlriends of mine are now in their mid 30’s. They were quite attractive, but you can tell they are aging now. They are super picky and only demand “the best.”. Ironically, the older they get, the lower their chances of finding McDreamy.
@Geek Great to year you are in a 7 year moogamous relationship, as opposed to something else. :p
Glad you aren’t itching to get married. So many women I know are after a 7 year relationship, especially the closer they are to 30.
@Linda
I’m in year 7 of a monogamous relationship. Our taxes would go up significantly if we got married, so we’re waiting until there’s a really good reason (desire for kids, need for joint ownership that is difficult to provide otherwise, terminal illness, one of us starts a business so our taxes would go down instead of up, etc) to become legally each others’ closest relation.
@admin
Still hard to see the appeal of people who can’t deal with the competitive environment on their own. Everyone has their insecurities, but this post is too extreme. I too like a little comfort and support now and then, and have my moments, but I hope I would be able to deal with it on my own. Unsupportive partners who are in fact obstructive are all too common. I see friends getting out of bad relationships all the time, where their sig. other expected all their support and gave none back.
I suppose this is just another example of how sexism hurts men too.
@Mike
Uh oh, what were her criticisms?
@Geek
Yes, SMB’s may “sound” pathetic, but in reality, they are just human beings trying to make it in this competitve environment we live in.
@kenyantykoon
I just coined the term “SMB”, so there was no way of knowing before :) If it’s used in Cosmo, Vogue, US Weekly, or Vanity Fair… you know where it first started!
@Linda
Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I’m just trying to highlght what many guys go through, who are too afraid to speak up for themselves.
@RainyDaySaver
Yes, now you know. The site is very concerned about losing readers, and therefore business. It’s all about money. Good thing, it’s not all about money here. It’s just about sharing thoughts.
Keeping this post on reserve for 4 months has given me tremendous motivation to keep writing until Valentine’s week and reveal.
50/50 partnership is what it’s all about!
@Tracy
Completely agree, hence my second paragraph of the post. The point I’m trying to make is that because it’s frowned upon by men to display their feelings, there isn’t much published with regards to men and their pressures.
As soon as there is something, men get attacked and vilified. It’s OK to write “Get Financially Naked With Your Honey” directed to women, but it’s not OK to write anything for me. I want to change that.
Men have feelings too and also want to find the love of their lives.
.-= admin´s last blog ..Someone Always Farts In A Crowd =-.
Ha, funny post
.-= 20smoney´s last blog ..Home Improvement: Adding Value With Inexpensive Projects =-.
Women are under pressure to succeed in career, mothering, marriage and everything else. And our culture sends the message to little girls that if you don’t marry, you are a loser. It’s a holdover from past generations that is slowly changing.
I now know why this post got rejected! ;)
SMBs never did anything for me. I wanted someone who could make a good living, sure, but not someone THIS into himself who needs this much coddling. A relationship/marriage is a partnership — a woman can stand by her man, sure, but hand-holding is a bit much, no matter how successful he is. I’d rather have a 50/50, supportive partnership (and I do!).
i sincerely did not know that people like me had a nickname and an acronym. SMB…. interesting :)
@Geek It’s good you’re secure and don’t have any complexes. I think the point of the post is to highlight the plight of many men… an unraveling of the orange peel if you will. There’s a reason why men are insecure. You fail to see the real underlying meaning of the post, that it’s tough being a man.
Tell us, are you married? How are you so secure with no complexes?
@Linda
Successful, motivated, and good looking is not equivalent to insecure, superiority complex, player. I simply think women may prefer their successful, motivated, good looking men without little-boy problems as described above.
@thriftygal
+1
@Geek Believe it or not, there are women out there who like successful, motivated men. Someone women even want successful, motivated, and good looking men.
@FS – Thanks for pointing out the pressures men face today. Men are told to suppress their feelings, shut up, and feel no pain. We’re told to just go, go, go and do everything. If women only knew what men have to go through. Maybe now they have some idea after reading this post.
I think the institution of marriage is less important today than it was in the past. In the past it was more or less an economic pact if you take away the emotions involved: she takes care of his house, needs and progeny and he provides for her. Now that women are more independent and can provide for themselves and their children while taking care of a house, there’s less reliance on a man.
And to clarify, society puts a lot of pressure on women to succeed as well. At least, my parents did. I don’t think any rational parent would encourage their daughter to slack off or be a gold digger and latch on to a high-income earning SMB.
These men sound pathetic! Insecure, superiority complexes, needy, and still wanting to play like teenagers. Yuck. Who wants to date ..let alone marry.. a little boy like this!
@Mike
Reporting back – she wasn’t too happy. Hahaha!
Sam,
I loved this post!
In fact, I just emailed this to my girlfriend.