There are two common ways to marry. You can marry your equal or you can marry rich. In my opinion, marrying your equal is better than marrying rich.
There’s just something to be said about starting from nothing and getting wealthy together. It’s harder to appreciate sudden wealth, especially if you didn’t earn it. Further, it is extremely gratifying to go through struggle and build significant wealth together.
At 45, I’m starting to see more relationships fall apart than begin. But for those that are still lasting, the one constant seems to be that each partner is fairly equal in accomplishment. And that accomplishment isn’t limited to money.
People with similar levels of accomplishment tend to be of similar age, income, education, wealth, and/or experience.
Among the many reasons why people break up, a lack of respect might be reason #1 followed by resentment as a close #2.
Let’s say you’re more accomplished than your partner. You may start to feel you’re losing respect for them if you catch them lounging around too often instead of hustling to get to a top level in something, anything.
If you’re the partner who is lounging around, you may start resenting your partner for being so demanding, especially if they are much older than you. Why be so successful if you can’t enjoy the benefits? You start rationalizing to yourself.
The physical passion only burns for so long until substance takes over. Over time, it’s also easy to take each other for granted.
Marrying Rich Sounds Nice In Theory
As someone who wanted to be rich growing up, I never considered marrying rich. Naively, it never occurred to me that I could marry into a rich family or marry a rich partner to make life easier.
Instead, I just wanted to spend time with an attractive best friend for the rest of my life. There was no strategy on my part.
But if I was clearly told the pros and cons of marrying rich, I may have been less idealistic and more calculated on whom I partnered with.
Instead of locking down an attractive best friend as a life partner, why not lock down a rich and attractive best friend instead! After all, rich people need love too.
Alas, given I’m content with my choice, let me reflect on the good and bad of marrying rich to help those of you who still have a chance or are thinking of splitting.
To get started, check out this fascinating chart below showing the relative likelihood of divorce by income. It looks like the more money you make, the less likely you are to get a divorce.
Pros Of Marrying Rich
1) You leapfrog a generation of struggle.
Tremendous wealth can be created in one lifetime. But building tremendous wealth takes intense work and serendipity. Since we only have one life to live, it’s logical to marry rich at a younger age and relax rather than work extremely hard to try and get rich at a later age.
Not only will you be able to live a longer life of luxury, marrying rich could help pull the rest of your family up the socioeconomic ladder as well. Families tend to support each other.
2) You have a greater chance of getting ahead.
For those of you who have the pride and self-motivation to make something of yourself, having a rich spouse opens plenty of doors. Your rich spouse will have more connections to help you along in your career than the average person.
Rich people tend to have more power to make things happen than non-rich people. If your rich spouse or spouse’s rich family can’t directly help you, they can introduce you to someone who can. The network of the rich is an enormous asset.
3) Only the best lifestyle.
Your rich spouse won’t want to lower their standard of living to your level if you are of average wealth. Instead, they will bring you up to their level. See the movie Crazy Rich Asians as a reference.
Instead of slumming it in 2-star hotels off the main strip, you’ll be staying at a 5-star hotel right along the ocean. Forget about taking economy class like the rest of us. You’ll go first class or maybe even fly private. Your house, food, cars, clothes and leisurely activity will all be of higher quality than what you could have afforded.
Related read: How To Pay For A First Class Airline Ticket Without Feeling Remorse
4) An easier time for your kids.
If you’re thoughtful, then you realize one of the best reasons to marry rich is less for you, but more for your future kids.
We all know that in 20 years, college tuition will become even more unaffordable. Wouldn’t it be nice to write a $100,000 a year college tuition check without pain? You wouldn’t even have to think about contributing to a 529 plan.
If you marry rich, your future kids can take all the after school programs they want. They get to be exposed to every single music, sport, and art activity in order to find their true passion. Instead of reading about the pyramids of Egypt, your family can fly to Cairo and check them out in person.
Further, how great is it to know that even if your kids can’t hack it academically, they’ll still be able to do anything they want due to a sizable trust fund? If you marry really rich, your family can legally buy your kid’s way into a prestigious university.
From an evolutionary perspective, marrying rich helps increase the chances that your bloodline will survive for generations.
5) A way to prove your naysayers wrong.
Somewhere along your life, you will have encountered some doubters. Maybe you weren’t a great student and your peers voted you as the person most likely to end up living in mom’s basement. Or maybe your unsupportive parents disapproved of your previous relationships or areas of interests.
Whatever the case may be, by marrying rich, you immediately prove all your naysayers wrong. Society looks up to rich people, up to a point. Even though you didn’t create your fortune, you’re set for life as your naysayers might have to work their whole lives just to achieve a fraction of your new wealth.
Related: The Marriage Penalty Tax Has Been Abolished!
The Cons Of Marrying Rich
Now that we’ve discussed some of the pros of marrying rich, let’s go through some of the cons.
1) You may never feel like you’re good enough.
The larger the wealth gap between you and your rich spouse, the larger you might feel like a slave to your spouse’s wealth. Given your lifestyle is paid for by your spouse, you’ve got to hold your tongue about many things for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful. However, the more you hold your tongue about things that bother you, the more resentment will build.
I’ve made the case that if a rich person truly loves their spouse, they will make them financially independent as well. This means helping them create their own wealth so they feel just as free.
2) Higher expectations for everything.
Marrying into wealth may mean that you have to hold yourself in a different way. In-laws and friends may raise the bar in which they judge you compared to when you weren’t rich.
If you don’t look amazing and don’t have incredible talents elsewhere (academics, art, music, athletics, etc), then people may think you’re just not good enough for your spouse. If you’re not fit given your ability to afford the healthiest foods and best trainers, they may think you’re lazy.
Further, rich people are expected to publicly donate to as many charities as possible. You’ll be constantly hit up for funds even if you don’t believe in the cause. If you don’t contribute you may be viewed as cheap, even if you have your own projects you care passionately about that aren’t public.
One person I know married into a billion dollar fortune. He escaped to the Amalfi Coast for one year with his whole family because he was sick of being pressured to donate and attend all these public functions.
Judgement about how you spend your money is constant when you’re rich. One commenter in my post, President Biden Wants To Raise Your Taxes If You Make More Than $400,000, wrote,
If a couple is earning $400K and only giving $3K for charity, I have to wonder why they’re working so hard.
To this commenter, paying six figures in taxes and making money to save for retirement and pay for their children weren’t valid reasons for working hard.
3) People may think you’re a greedy gold digger.
The more dissimilar you are in age, looks, and academic accomplishment, the more people will think you married for money instead of love. It doesn’t matter how much you truly love your partner, suspicions will always be there.
When Amal Alamuddin got married at 38, nobody thought she was a gold digger for marrying 55-year-old George Clooney. The reason is because Amal is an accomplished barrister at Doughty Street Chambers, specializing in international law and human rights.
Therefore, if you don’t want to be viewed as a greedy gold digger, you must be successful enough to hold your own. If a couple truly loves each other, they’d make each other financially independent, not dependent.
4) The paradox of choice.
The more money you have, the more choices you get to make. The more choices you get to make, the higher the chance you might make a wrong one.
There’s something to be said for only being able to afford one humble home. You’ll never have to deal with PITA tenants because you can’t afford to buy rental properties.
There’s something to be said about only being able to buy several types of potato chips. Instead, there are literally 50 different types of potato chips at the supermarket now.
We were all set to send our son to a great language immersion program. We were happy and excited.
Then, an impossible-to-get-into preschool notified us and said they had a spot for us. Then we had to go through the process of evaluating whether to upend our expectations and forfeit the enrollment deposit. Unnecessary stress!
Psychologists David Myers and Robert Lane independently concluded the current abundance of choice often leads to depression and feelings of loneliness.
Americans are paying for increased affluence and freedom with a substantial decrease in the quality and quantity of community. Life may be easier and happier if there’s only one way to go.
Related: The Average Net Worth For The Above Average Married Couple
5) You might make your children miserable.
For a moment, let’s forget about the higher expectations society places on someone marrying rich. The expectations placed on rich kids could be so great that it could break them.
Imagine growing up as a rich kid where your parents are CEOs, successful entrepreneurs, Nobel-winning scientists, Olympic athletes, and so forth. It is highly unlikely you will ever come close to matching your parents’ success.
As a result, you might grow up always feeling not good enough since your baseline is so high. In Confessions Of A Spoiled Rich Kid, Samurai Marco discusses how he bounced around in his 30s and 40s without much direction. He couldn’t match his tech entrepreneur father’s success, so he became a vagabond.
Besides family pressure, you’ll also face tremendous competitive pressure from other rich kids who get into the best schools and get the best jobs. Yet, what if you go to Harvard and end up a nobody?
If you’re constantly surrounded by success, you ironically might become the most miserable person in the world.
The Best Case Scenario For Marrying
If you’re lucky enough to find someone you truly love who so happens to be rich, then wonderful! This tends to happen among already rich families who send their kids to the same expensive schools. This also tends to happen if you find love working at a high-paying company.
However, for most people, we know this combination of finding a person you love who so happens to be rich is rare.
Instead, the best case scenario may be if you both start off with very little and build your fortune together.
Imagine if you met your sweetheart in high school or college. You’d get to go through all the struggles of trying to get good grades, a respectable internship, and a job that doesn’t suck your soul, together.
Then in your 20s, you’d get to experience stabs in the back, micromanagers, layoffs, office politics and all sorts of other terrible things that make relationships stronger. Then if you’re lucky, one or both of you will hit your stride, make a lot of money, and freely share your good fortune.
Money becomes less of a stressor when you experience the different stages of personal finance together. Once money is out of the way, you’ll have more time to work on strengthening your relationship.
Be Careful Getting Too Rich And Successful
If you want your marriage to last, perhaps it’s also best not to get too rich. There may come a point where you have so much money that you don’t care if your wealth gets cut in half.
With so much wealth you may not try as hard to be on your best behavior. You might also not try as hard to compromise and make things work with your long-time spouse.
The same thing goes for getting too famous. Your fame might over-inflate your ego as you start thinking everybody loves you when they really just want something you can give them. This adoration may lead you to do questionable things, like hang out with Jeff Epstein on his private jet to go to his private island.
They say getting rich simply magnifies who you really are. However, when you have a lot of temptation due to your fame and vast resources, it may be hard to always do the right thing.
You Just Never Know How Your Marriage Will End Up
Of course we can’t always choose our life partners. Sometimes we’ll have to marry a resume instead for practical purposes.
We must accept that marrying rich isn’t a panacea. If it was, rich and famous people wouldn’t get divorced all the time.
Today’s examples are Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. There will surely be more examples of rich people getting divorced tomorrow.
The fabulous life gets old after a while. The one enduring trait that makes a relationship last is mutual admiration and respect.
Therefore, if you’re able to marry rich, then it’s best to continue working on being highly accomplished at something. Not only is being great at something good for your own self-esteem, it’s also good for your marriage.
Some things I’ve noticed about accomplished spouses who marry rich include:
- Still work at a job, which can seem amazing if the family is incredibly wealthy
- Open their own business
- Start and manage a family foundation for giving
- Regularly compete at high-level athletic competitions
- Master a musical instrument and hold concerts
- Hold art shows of their own work
- Be an extremely involved full-time parent who volunteers a lot at school
Finally, let’s agree that marriage isn’t the ultimate goal, happiness is.
If you’re not happy, then by all means get a divorce. The last thing you want to do is look back at a loveless marriage when you could have found happiness with someone else.
Related posts about marriage:
How To Stop Being Taken For Granted By Your Spouse Once You’re Rich
How To Convince Your Spouse To Work Longer So You Can Retire Earlier
Financial DEpendence Is The Worst: Why Each Spouse Needs Their Own Bank Account
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I married for love, it took me a LONG time to find the right person but it was worth it. I sifted through gold diggers and families that thought I didn’t have anything. I lived simply with rented rooms, older cars and lived like a college student.
My spouse didn’t have much financially but I helped them build their portfolio to a decent 8 figures and counting in the past few years.
I’m in the 10 figures range.
And we still live simply.
Personally, I grew up poor and worked my way up. I’m not wealthy yet, but certainly at least upper middle class. Consequently, I have a lot of mixed feelings on these kind of things, because I’ve seen it from both ends – to an extent. Either way, if you’re getting married I suggest doing it out of love, and when you have mutual respect, goals, and values. If they come with wealth, I’m sure that’s a nice bonus!
In response to the comment about not donating enough – donating your time & money is all well and good, but I understand the desire to put family first. Also, $400,000 is a lot in my area, but its value is considerably lower in larger cities. A household making that much can still have issues based on the cost of living, how many dependents they have, and if there are any extenuating circumstances (like medical issues). Putting everyone who makes above some arbitrary dollar amount into the same category is a bit lazy. Besides, what people do with their money is their own business – if they want to leave it to their family, let them.
Most women nowadays as it is are real gold diggers to begin with, since they just like going with men much older than they really are that have the very big bank accounts. Unlike the old days when most women were very poor and didn’t have much at all , which now they want everything they can get. Very high maintenance women everywhere these days that are also, very greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky, narcissists, and very money hungry more than ever before. That is why it is very hard for many of us single men trying to meet a good woman that will just love us for who we really are, which back in the old days most women were the very complete opposite of today.
Shut up and go back to the olden days if you want to, don’t drag any innocent lady with you
This is often where equality between men and women are overlooked. If a woman is a domestic violence survivor, there is often sympathy for the woman. If the same were to happen to a man and the woman is the abuser, the man will be laughed at or people will not take it as seriously.
People have a negative experience all the time with the opposite sex. It’s about how you deal with the feelings and experience that come with it after and not repeat the cycle. A lot of people will probably need to read books from the Angry Therapist, John Kim, like Single On Purpose or It’s Not Me, It’s You.
Reminds me of the Johnny Depp case.
Love this! I especially enjoyed the part about how “Money becomes less of a stressor when you experience the different stages of personal finance together.” My wife and I met in college and married shortly after graduating and I enjoy the grind of coming together to build our own financial journey and do feel it strengthens our marriage (despite the money arguments).
Happy and stable family life is worth more than any amount of money one could obtain either through work or marriage. Peace of mind, contentment and a partner for life for me is what makes life worth living. Building something together (not only financially) has been incredibly satisfying over the years.
I also love your potato chip analogy. We shop at Aldi alot (not sure they have them in California) and they usually only have one or two options per product vs 50. We love Aldi for the prices, but the simplicity of choice is something we have grown to love. And sometimes simplicity of choice in life can be good too (as long as these are in the right areas)
There is definitely something to be said regarding living a simple life. All my rich friends have very complicated lives. Some have hired house managers to manage all the people that work from them personally.
I can’t wait to give away a bunch of stuff once the Salvation Army opens. I want to declutter and simplify after accumulating too much stuff during the pandemic!
Sam, this post hits the spot. I just worked from 9am to 1am just now and wondered why I didn’t marry rich when I had chances in my 20s. Haha. Instead, I’m dealing with corporate politics, micro managers, toxic work cultures. Is it too late to marry rich in my 30s? :)
Never too late Ceci! :)
As someone in your 30s, you’re still a spring chicken!
And wow… what type of work do you do? That’s a long day! Hope at least you’re making some big bucks.
I work in tech, in a blend of business and somewhat technical role.
I guess I need to spend less time working and more time on baiting a big, rich fish! :)
I enjoyed your comment! The easiest way to land the big fish is by spending more time at the gym and getting ripped. In my experience, wealthy men seem to care about their health and appearance. If you’re serious about your lifts you will be beating them off with a stick- or maybe a barbell- haha! Best of luck.
I think part of the fun is working together to save, invest and build the life you both want regardless of the starting point. I wouldn’t necessarily seek or avoid a partner with a wealthy family, but in either scenario you have a starting point and can work towards building something greater. I hate to admit it – but what would worry me more is a partner with a lot of debt like student loans. I had student loans that I paid off but they weren’t as big as others. I know people from family’s with plenty of money that went to expensive undergraduate school, pursued their masters or law degree, etc. and are drowning in debt.
Interesting. All this is to say… Money plays a HUGE part in a marriage. Whether it causes a happy marriage or a divorce. I think the stat was something like half of all divorces happen cause of money.
What I think is important is not so much how much money someone has, but shared values about money. Having a partner who has similar financial values, savings goals, etc is very beneficial. People who tend to fight about money typically have financial stress obviously, but also differing viewpoints on how money gets spent and saved. Or one person cares about taking care of the couple’s financial health and the other doesn’t.
Aligning as many personal finance interests and values makes a huge difference in marital happiness and longevity. As does mutual respect, some shared interests, and most definitely friendship.
100% agree! I make less than half of what my spouse makes but I’m the one that maxes out my 401k and the kids’ 529 plans. We invest and now file taxes separately because he’s a spender and I’m a saver, which has led to challenges in the past, but after years of friction, I think we’re in a good place. He provides a significantly better lifestyle than I could on my own, and I make enough to save for the things that are important to me. I envy the folks who agree on all of the big things in marriage, but people and marriages are complicated. The thing on here that I disagree with is this quote, “If you’re not happy, then by all means get a divorce. The last thing you want to do is look back at a loveless marriage when you could have found happiness with someone else.” I would just add a caveat that if you’re not happy and have kids, try and then try harder to find a way to become happy, as an individual, a couple and a family. The idea that you can walk away and find happiness in a second relationship when you have shared child(ren) with another person is a bit naïve, but to those who managed to do just that with little casualties, good for you!
I chose a middle class guy over a rich guy simply because he was funnier and was making me happy. Will I regret this decision later on in life when we have a family if we get financial problems? Also since rich guy was also a good man. But whom I chose was better a companion for me. Will it all change in the future when we have problems?
Future may or may not change. Assurance of cannot be given in both the cases.
Marrying someone equal may be risk free.
But in the case where your spouse is of a different status, it is advisable to marry such person only when u are willfully ready to face the odds.
Because in general u have to sacrifice something to get something.
Think, analysis, plan for future financial problem, take advise from a well wisher, take advise from a person who knows all three of u or two of u and then decide.
Once decided, stay strong in the decision. Remember always something will be better than other.
no man in earth can get a better one if he is never going to satisfy with what he has
You have to ask a soothsayer…
Most women nowadays are real Gold Diggers to begin with, since they will only marry for money which makes them real total losers altogether now. Today most women will only want the very best and will never settle for less, now that they have so many very high unrealistic expectations today. And to think how much different women were back in the past when they were the very complete opposite of today, which most women were at that time.
Women were indeed very different – oppressed, having arranged marriages, treated like second hand people. It’s normal for everyone to pursue what they think is best for them and, in this capitalist world, money play a big role.
Then there are many of us single guys that have no wife and family today that we really would have wanted since for us being single and alone is the worst of all. And if women had really been like the past which many of us guys definitely would have been married already, since women in those days were very easy to meet. Today unfortunately most women prefer very rich guys, since they like to be treated like queens which they’re just users and complete losers altogether the way i look at it. That is why love was very real back in the old days, just like our family members had it. Both men and women in those days didn’t have much at all, and had to struggle just to make ends meat as well. Today it is most of the women that have their greed and selfishness everywhere now that have caused this very big mess in the first place, and back then most men and women accepted one another for who they were since that was the way it was in those days. Most women nowadays are very horrible with no manners and personality at all either when it comes to most of us men, and they just have very severe mental problems which a great deal of these women are Bi Polar anyway.
Sorry buddy, this is the dating free market. Not a communist utopia that Jordan Peterson wants where each loser is assigned a wife.
Had a few rough relationships?
Wow The Known Truth, for you to say “most women are gold diggers and losers” tells me what kind of crap mindset you have. Are you married? If so, I hope your wife leaves you. And for the record, I dated 2 different men who were very affluent and I broke things off with both of them when I realized we didn’t mesh well. I could have stayed with either one and never worked again, traveled the world, etc. Instead I ended up marrying a man of my equal (financially) and we have been happily married for 15 years.
Everyone who is happily married is very lucky. I have had many boyfriends of varying economic means.
I always worked and have never made a fortune of money. I rent my own apartment and pay my own bills. Sometimes I find the men around here only want women with great economic means – so they will not be saddled with responsibilities.
You never know which way the tide will turn. I am at a later stage in life now. It would only make sense for me to marry a man of greater economic means than myself. I can just about cover my own ticket.
If he’s up in age and does not have strong economic means, both of us will end up in the poorhouse, probably unhappy.
Financially well off man or no man for me at this point. It’s a myth that only women want wealthy spouses. Men prefer that as well, I find men of modest economic means will not ask me out. I am not a gold digger.
Maybe I’m just not a very good catch, not lovable or simply haven’t found my person yet. Not altogether out of the question seeing as half the people seemed to be divorced who seemed to feel they had found their person.
I remain hopeful and open to all possible eventualities, including remaining single. Not too keen on that, but will be elated if love comes my way.
Everyone sees my comment I want you to see in my words there are very wealthy people and have a lot of opportunities, but there is no person directs this person and there are people in his mind hundreds of ideas I am them that you are wealthy Put a comment and I am serious
I need help actually I fell in love with a girl online and we shared a 2 day relationship but we broke up and became friends after that but this time I again asked about love and she said that she loved me but it all got over and said that she is getting married at a very young age to forget about me and she thinks that I would have never married her though she is extremely rich now should I propose her for marriage or not and I’m not so rich afterall but she is simply mad for me and she even tried to jump off the roof for me but will getting married to her would be a wise decision or should I drop the idea.
Most women nowadays are real gold diggers as it is, since they just love sleeping around with much older men with the very big bank accounts. Real total low life losers those women are to begin with.
I would grow a lot of resentment for my wife if she was a house wife or if she was making less than 40,000 a year. I make 115k a year and my wife makes 60k so I’m quite happy with her and out marriage. But in an ideal would it would be great to be with someone that was more financially equal.
The issue if that you must know what you want in a spouse. I know a few friends that have housewives or wives that make very very little money. One guy is 100% happy because he feels a sense of pride for providing for his family and he love the fact that he holds all the power in the relationship. The other guy just feels a lot of resentment because he is busting his ass every day to finance his own dream of retirement. But his wife is living that dream for him on his dime. I know I would feel like that second guy if I had a wife like that. It don’t not matter how hot she is or how good she is it me.
I never be able to marry someone rich (if that was the only reason I’m doing so). I would always feel inferior to them during the relationship, like I’m not contributing as an equal partner and instead being “carried”. It’s far too risky for me as well. As a woman and “the one who doesn’t make as much”, I would probably have to put my career on hold to raise children or stay at home and if the relationship doesn’t work out… what then?
Besides, I like the idea of building our wealth together… starting from the bottom together. I am enjoying the journey getting there. I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy it as much or feel accomplished if the glamorous lifestyle just happened to me compliments of my partner.
It is true that marrying into wealth sounds like you hit the jackpot, but it does come with cons! The pros and cons you talk about are all something to consider when you marry someone who is financially richer than you! If you can find someone who is has more money than you but doesn’t cause a stress in your relationship then you are one lucky person! I would definitely categorize that into #relationshipgoals haha! This was such a great article, thanks for sharing!
I’ve seriously dated three women. The first two were obsessed with money. Number 1 wanted to “take care” of and control me with her greater resources. Number 2 was angry that I did not earn more and showed me remarkable disrespect while I was taking care of her financially. The woman I’m dating now (and hope to marry) has a similar economic background and trajectory. I’m working hard to earn more so that I can take care of some of her families’ money issues. She does not expect this. I just want to be able to take some of her worries away from her when they just deal with money.
Dear Sam,
I’m an avid reader of your blog. I first started reading after a mentor who is also a personal finance enthusiast told me about your blog. I’ve been reading it and putting your advice into practice. Thanks to your advice and philosophy, I’ve been saving more than 50% of my income, maxing out on 401k, Roth, and after tax 401k, investing in multiple investment properties with my parents. I use Personal Capital to monitor my net worth, and I invested in Realty and Prosper. And I work for one of the big tech companies here in the bay area that provides free food, gym membership, and laundry that allowed me to save more money. Basically, I read your articles and simply try to emulate your practices: save aggressively and invest aggressively.
I love this article about marriage and finance. I just recently broken up with my girlfriend, who is white. She has a certain lifestyle which is different from mine: I like to save money, perhaps a little too much. Growing up as an Asian immigrant, finding love and being in the relationship do not come as natural to me as doing well in school and saving money. I wonder what your take is on this. I recently read Aziz’s book Modern Romance and watched his show Master of None. I recently saw some relatives and friends who got divorced and took tremendous financial hit as a result – it’s so sad because they saved and worked so hard all their lives. My Asian parents just want me to get marriage and give them grandchildren. Relationship, love, and marriage have enormous impact on finance – whether is wedding cost, raising a kid, and combining finance. I know this is not a relationship/marriage blog but I wonder What are your thoughts on all these? Would love to see more articles like this one!
Thanks!
Speaking from experiences, your life will be a lot easier if you married / date someone who see finance, raising kids and marriage 80% eye to eye. I am the same age as Sam, married 12 years with a 6 months old son. Our biggest frictions are our views on managing the family finance and the number of kids to have. I am a saver and want at least 1 kid whereas he is a spender and prefers to be childless. However, he did make a huge effort to listen to the wife, along the way screaming and 12 years later thanking the wife for the decent nest egg and giving him a son (his buddy). Lol. Max. out his 401k every year, built 2 years of emergency fund, brought a primary house in expensive Boston, a rental house in CT and his dream lake house in Maine. All of sudden, his parents and siblings are asking him for finanancial advices. Lol
I really hope he still doesn’t prefer to be childless after birthing your 6 month old son! Congrats!
It’s great that you helped him be more financially disciplined. Marriage is definitely all about team work!
Thanks. We compromised, he gets his lake house and I get a kid. Fortunately, he enjoys fatherhood and can’t wait to teach the little guy everything he knows. In fact, he took 1 month of paternity leave and bond with the little guy while I went back to work. Kids do teaches us unconditional love, renew purposes in life, responsibilities, certain fulfillments and look at life challenges differently.
Very good perspective. I got married at 18… we went to college together as newly weds… both of us broke. A few years later we were both working career jobs and saving 40-50% of our combine income. Ten years later we are still saving 40% of our income and we have been investing all of that money into various assets all along the way and always reinvesting the profits. This is how you supercharge wealth building!
How about crossing the cultural, moral, or religious divide? I’ve also heard a lot of people say that you should marry someone who has the same cultural, morals and religion, in order to have a higher “success” rate at long term marriage. This may be true for the average person, but maybe the average person is not like you or me.
As a highly educated, who lived my 20’s as an elitest going to only the most selective educational programs and career environments, I prized finding someone I felt was different enough from me that I didn’t try measure against.
I valued difference not better.
In the end, I married someone from a different culture, with similar morals but different religious beliefs. While it may have been more difficult to get through certain life issues and challenges, it has certainly made me a better person. More tolerant, open minded, able to look at different sides and appreciate why people believe them, even when I don’t.
I guess I believe crossing the financial “class” lines is the same… “If you want an easy marriage, marry yourself. If you want a better half, find someone who makes you better.”
Makes sense to me!
I’ve never heard of someone saying “lived my 20s as an ELITEST..” can you elaborate on that? Are you saying there was a time you only wanted to be with people who were from your socioeconomic background?
While I understand the rationale here, I would have to disagree. When I married my wife, I was making twice as much as her, and this multiple differential has only grown as she quit her job a year after our child was born, while I continued to move up the career ladder. When she recently re-joined the workforce as a teacher, the multiple of my income to hers went up to 10! In all this time, we have managed to live by the rules we set early on, so this has not created any additional friction. We get into a marriage for reasons other than money so we cannot let money define the marriage later when convenient to one partner. Whether your partner makes similar income or not, they are your equal and should be treated as such. Our rules that work are here in case you are interested: tenfactorialrocks.com/rules-that-work/
Well it’s b/c she gave you something greater than any money can ever buy, and that’s a child. And the job of a mother is the most important job any person can ever have.
So as far as I’m concerned, you’ve got to catch up!
No Sam, That doesn’t make up for the premise of the article. Whether a Mrs. gives a child or not (in my case, it was her choice to be a SAHM), your partner should be treated as your equal. Income similarity as a criterion between partners can cheapen the marriage to a commercial equation. Focusing on it reinforces money/earning power as the defining parameter in the relationship. It is helpful to have money rules within a marriage to keep the relationship smooth, but these rules should apply to both partners regardless of how much one earns. That’s an important point I cover in my article.
Since money is the number one reason why couples split, marrying your equal does seems like the way to go. If both are independent and have similar earning potential, the relationship is more balanced. Also helps if they are both aligned in terms of financial goals. It’s insanely difficult to row a boat if two people are rowing in opposite directions.
I agree. It’s so much easier when both are on board as far financial goals. The saying that “opposites attract” doesn’t apply forever in a relationship. I’m lucky that I didn’t marry a spender. It made selling the FIRE goal so much easier.
I’m fortunate that I’ve found someone to marry (on the second try) equal to me. We share the same goals and passion for similar things in life. We love the simple moments and cherish family, friends and our time. As a plus we almost had the same net worth prior to marriage. It feels to great to be at the same level and be able to enjoy milestones with the same intensity. Best of all, she enjoys all of my jokes and sense of humor. This might sound cliché but I truly married my best friend.
I met my wife in college and we build our lives from zero. I think that’s the best way to go. We have so much shared history that our relationship is strong. She is better in a lot of things, but I’m better than her with a few things too. We compliment each other well. Hopefully, we don’t change too much over the next 40 years.
Marrying rich sounds nice, but I don’t know… I probably feel inferior if my wife’s family is much richer than mine.
We met in college as well, started with ZERO and have built a great life 2 kids, though college on us (grad school on them). We’re both engineers, I took the management track, she’s a high school math teacher (and a good one!). We share everything, and are tracking to exit the RACE in about 3 yrs. We both came from middle class families, grew up in South Florida. I can not imagine a different life. Perhaps the only thing we’d have done differently is start saving a little earlier! I have told my 2 kids that one of the most important decisions you will make if your life is who you marry or spend the rest of your life with!