When my son was born in 2017, I decided to focus on being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child’s growth. So I figured, why not spend that time with him?
It wasn’t a difficult decision since I hadn’t had a day job since 2012. The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, ego, happiness, and sanity.
I believe being a stay-at-home parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world—far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking. So I’m confident it’s harder than most other jobs too. At the same time, it’s also the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. But that chapter is now over.
Also, for full disclosure, my wife is also a stay-at-home parent who does even more childcare. So relatively speaking, I got it easier than solo stay at home dads.
For men considering becoming stay-at-home dads during their child’s early years, I want to share some perspective before you take the leap. This applies equally to women thinking about leaving the workforce to be stay-at-home moms, but with a male twist.
This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at-home dad. The reason is obvious in the end.
Recommendation: As a parent, you most provide for your children and keep them safe. Therefore, it's imperative to get a term life insurance policy per parent that lasts until the kids are adults. You can check out Policygenius for a free, customized quote. My wife and I both used them to get matching 20-year term life insurance policies at an affordable price when our kids were one and four. The monthly premiums I pay are well worth it for the peace of mind alone.
Some Important Truths About Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)
Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD. If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better.
1) You’ll Be Part of a Small Minority
If you’re not used to being a minority, you may have a difficult time fitting in as a SAHD. In my eight years here in San Francisco as a SAHD, I estimate only about 5% of dads I meet are the primary caregivers. The same is true in other big cities like New York.
Here’s my rough breakdown of childcare providers I've observed from going to playgrounds, parks, museums, activities, and schools:
- 60-70% — Nannies (100% women).
- 10-20% — Au pairs (100% women).
- 10-20% — Moms
- 3% – 7% — Dads
SAHDs Must Learn to Adapt to Awkward Situations
As a minority, you’ll need to blend in and sometimes navigate cultural or gender-specific topics and conversations.
One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park. We were going for a nice stroll when the group decided to take a break underneath the shade of a nice big tree. We rolled out our blankets and cradled our babies, when suddenly, breastfeeding started. I felt awkward even if the moms did not, so I left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife. Since then, I stopped joining mothers’ walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife.
Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included. You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority. It’s important to get used to moments of isolation—and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort.
Another time, a nanny’s toddler was crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies. I offered to help play with the toddler while parkour class was going on, but she gave me a cold glare and said, “No, I don’t need your help,” before scolding the child. That was the last time I offered to help a stranger’s child out of fear of backlash.
2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek
In our status-conscious world, being a stay-at-home dad is still an anomaly. Unless you’ve built a company or already reached the pinnacle of success in your field, few people—both men and women—will give you much respect. They might be polite to your face, but that doesn’t mean they’ll invite you into their social circles.
Among working men, there’s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners. As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment.
Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers. Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider.
Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment. Any lingering insecurity about your role can show up in how you speak and carry yourself to the outside world. Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you’ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at-home dad.
The solution to this insecurity is to have a project of your own—something you're actively building or working toward. It doesn’t have to generate income; it can be what I call a “trust fund job,” where the focus is on activity, not profit. The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don’t feel like your entire worth is tied to being a parent.
3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try
Marriage plus parenthood is hard. There's a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children. Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse. You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you're running on empty.
As a stay-at-home dad—while the vast majority of fathers work outside the home—you’ll do far more of the childcare in comparison. You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it. But here's the truth: nobody else cares as much as you do—because they’re your kids, not theirs. That’s why fatherhood must be intrinsically motivated. If you’re constantly looking for external validation, you’ll be disappointed.
No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated. Your spouse may take you for granted, and it’ll hurt. But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships. It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us day in and day out. The key is to acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise.
Maybe your wife had a brutal day—her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a product she poured months into flopped. After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you’ve done at home. Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she's running on empty.
Marriages are never 50/50. Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling.
At the same time, you might also take her hard work for granted. After the 20th 6:30 a.m. client call, the 21st doesn’t seem like a big deal. But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming.
When these feelings creep in, pause and reframe: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay home and raise your children. Odds are, they’d love to trade places sometimes—to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work. Unless you’re DUPs, someone has to earn the income and keep the family’s healthcare covered.
Appreciation can fade in the daily grind. So remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you’re both making—for your children, and for each other. Regularly go through the things you are grateful for.
4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting
The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career. Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay home or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn’t worth it. Those in the middle face the toughest choice.
I’ve given up millions of dollars in income to be a stay-at-home father. This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai.
Since my son was born in 2017, I’ve deliberately chosen not to work full-time on the site. Had I committed 40–50 hours a week, I’m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more products to sell. But instead, I chose to maintain a 15–20 hour workweek—hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep—so I could spend as much time with him as possible.
As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family. Further, I've had to delay reaching financial independence once more.
All Or Nothing Is Not Ideal
As someone who helped kickstart the modern FIRE movement in 2009, I waited to have children until I could care for them full-time. I didn’t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s. I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34.
But this all-or-nothing approach risks delaying parenthood too long. Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them. Losing parents before a child turns 25 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable. Since you’ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible.
Luckily for older parents, there’s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18. Because, as we sadly know, once our children reach 18, about 80-90% of all the time we will ever spend with them is already behind us.
Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings
Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won't seek more money and meetings now that I have kids.
If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target without a steady job, so be it. I’m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income.
Let’s break it down: If I earn $250,000 a year but pay $50,000 for a nanny, my income is $200,000, but really less due to taxes. Imagine sitting in 3 hours of meetings every day for 261 workdays — that’s 783 hours annually. No way! I know this because I consulted part-time for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter.
Now let's jack up that income to $3 million a year at a hot AI company after paying for a nanny, but before taxes. Since I'm a big wig now, I'm in meetings for 5 hours every day for 261 workdays – that's 1,305 hours annually. Forget that.
You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time. So choosing your children over more money and career progression is logical.
Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)
We’ve covered the hard truths—feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted. But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at-home dad. Let’s dive in.
1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad
If you’ve been with your wife and child since birth—attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest—it’s impossible for her to say you weren’t there. You’ve earned your stripes.
When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits. She’s less exhausted and more emotionally present. And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for extended stretches becomes even more valuable.
As time goes on and you build up “credits” from the time and effort you’ve put in, you’ll also feel less guilty about asking for personal time—whether it’s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip.
2) You’ll Likely Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids
A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children. Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role.
But in my experience—and after speaking to hundreds of dads—there’s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength. Kids may not remember anything from ages 0–3, but they feel your presence. And after age three, their memories become clearer and deeper. That’s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways.
You can reinforce those early years with photos and videos, reminding them of how involved you’ve been since day one. That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on.
3) You’ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner
Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child’s development. That’s fine—if those teachers are excellent. But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair puts her phone away while engaging with your child.
I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn’t know how to read. I couldn’t help but wonder—how is that a surprise if you’ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years? Unless, of course, he hadn’t been. That’s the kind of thing a stay-at-home parent would likely have noticed much earlier.
Being a stay-at-home dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early—before they grow into bigger, costlier problems down the road.
4) You’ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage
After a long workday, it’s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out. During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones promo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions. It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at home.
But as a stay-at-home dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher. You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up. That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it’s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills.
5) The Days Are Long, But You'll Be Able To Slow Down The Years
Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly. But if you're a stay-at-home dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won't feel as bad missing so many precious milestones.
If you can, give being a stay-at-home parent a go. You won’t regret trying it. Like any tough challenge, giving it a shot means you won’t be haunted by “what if.” You really only have to sacrifice your career for five years at most.
If five years feels too long, consider going back to work once your child starts preschool (around 2-3 years old). Kindergarten typically starts at 5-6 years.
Start Small and Build Up
Take full advantage of your employer’s parental leave (usually 1-4 months). After that, reassess if you want to return to work or continue as a stay-at-home parent. If your finances allow, I say go for it. The growth between 6 and 24 months is truly incredible.
Typical Developmental Milestones for Babies And Toddlers (0-24 Months)
0-3 Months
- Lifts head briefly when on tummy
- Follows objects with eyes
- Begins to smile socially
- Makes cooing sounds
- Grasps reflexively when objects touch palm
4-6 Months
- Rolls over front to back, then back to front
- Sits with support
- Reaches for and grasps objects intentionally
- Begins babbling (ba-ba, da-da)
- Shows interest in food, may start solids
7-9 Months
- Sits without support
- Crawls or scoots
- Pulls up to stand using furniture
- Transfers objects between hands
- Says first words like “mama” or “dada” (not always specific)
10-12 Months
- Cruises along furniture
- May take first steps independently
- Uses pincer grasp (thumb and forefinger)
- Waves bye-bye
- Understands simple commands like “no”
- Says 1-3 words clearly
13-18 Months
- Walks independently
- Climbs stairs with help
- Stacks 2-3 blocks
- Uses 10-20 words
- Points to desired objects
- Begins using spoon (messily)
- Shows affection to familiar people
19-24 Months
- Runs and kicks a ball
- Walks up and down stairs holding rail
- Stacks 4-6 blocks
- Uses 50+ words and begins 2-word phrases
- Follows two-step instructions
- Begins pretend play
- Shows increasing independence
The Value of Witnessing Milestones
Being home means you witness all these priceless moments firsthand. Others may see these milestones as ordinary, but to a parent, they’re little miracles — rewards for all your effort.
Seeing my son roll over for the first time felt like watching him win Olympic gold. It’s that gratifying. Plus, being there means you get those video memories to treasure forever.
Interestingly, nannies and au pairs often keep milestones secret from parents so the parents feel like they were the first to see them. That’s emotional intelligence in action — making tired, maybe guilty parents feel more joy. What parents don’t know won’t hurt them.
6) You'll develop greater patience and empathy
When you first start caring for your baby, all the crying can fry your nerves. After three months of trying to soothe my son, I couldn’t take it anymore. My wife stepped in—and she’s been leading the charge ever since. One helpful strategy I discovered: wear AirPods while changing diapers or feeding. You’ll still hear your baby, but the volume won’t be as overwhelming.
Because you need to show love and care to your children, you'll learn to literally get down to their level and try to understand what they’re experiencing. This kind of compassion and empathy carries over to how you interact with adults as well. You’ll naturally become more patient, since reasoning with grown-ups is often easier than reasoning with toddlers.
The next time someone hurls an insult your way, you might find it doesn’t sting as much—because as a parent, you're constantly being disrespected anyway. Instead of getting upset, you may even start wondering what kind of childhood the insulter had, and feel a sense of empathy for why they’re being so rude. This kind of mindset has helped me a lot whenever I receive particularly nasty comments. I'm far less combative now.
One day, in the middle of dinner chaos—with your kids squirming, refusing to eat, or bouncing around the living room—you might find yourself surprisingly calm. You’ll pause, look around, and realize just how far you’ve come.
Why I No Longer Call Myself a Stay-at-Home Dad
The thing about being a stay-at-home dad is—it doesn’t last forever. Once your kids start full-time school, your role naturally shifts. With six extra hours a day, you suddenly have space to pursue other things: exercise, freelance, consult, start a business, or just catch your breath.
This transition is a golden window. I know dads building AI tools, volunteering at school, and picking up creative projects. I recently gave a talk on personal finance at my child’s after-school program—it was both fun and fulfilling.
Once my second child entered full-time school, I no longer felt right labeling myself a stay-at-home dad. With more time between drop-off and pickup, I returned to writing and am now focused on achieving financial freedom again by the end of 2027—and writing another book.
Still, I stay involved—tutoring my son each evening and being present whenever needed. But I also feel a strong urge to stay productive during the day. A life of just tennis, lunch, and naps feels hollow. I crave purpose.
Being a stay-at-home dad is unconventional, but deeply rewarding. If you’re financially able, I highly recommend doing it for the first 2–3 years of your child’s life. It’ll challenge you—and change you. But the extra time with your kids is priceless.
Readers, any stay-at-home dads out there want to share your experience? What did you do once your kids started school full-time? Why do you think more men don’t take on this role—especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners? Has this post made you consider giving it a try?
Suggestions For Parents
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Every parent should have an affordable term life insurance policy—especially those carrying debt. Getting life insurance is an act of love for your children. During the pandemic, my wife and I secured matching term policies through Policygenius. Once we had coverage in place, we breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing our kids would be taken care of, just in case. Life insurance provides a critical layer of stability for the household if the worst were to happen.
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I have 3 kids ages 5 and under. I work full-time as a lawyer, and side hustle as a landlord, adjunct professor and blogger.
By far, the hardest job is being a parent.
Sam did a great job explaining why it’s so challenging to be a parent, especially in today’s world. It’s mentally and physically draining. We care so much for our kids and want them to be healthy and happy. We’ll do anything in our power for them to help make that happen.
I think it’s that emotional layer that makes the job of being a parent so hard. With every other job, you can more easily separate emotions from work.
I’m not saying we don’t have any emotions attached to our jobs. It’s just that I’ve never felt the same emotional attachment to any client, tenant or student that I have for my kids. It’s just different when it’s your family. The desire to not screw that up is more intense than any pressure at work.
I respect SAHD so much. I think about it a lot. Am I brave enough to become a SAHD? It takes courage to make that leap. I’m working up towards that courage.
Powerful post. Thanks Sam!
Matt
Hi Sam! Thank you for the article. I’m grateful that someone is writing about the benefits and the challenges of a stay-at-home dad.
The role of stay-at-home dad was not a path that I had planned on. Previously, I had been very focused, somewhat narrow mindedly, on my vocation. I had been a Navy Helicopter Rescue Swimmer and Crew Chief, and had been working towards being a Navy Chaplain. However, I was medically separated, and after things didn’t go well with a church that I pastored, I found myself unemployed in rural South Carolina during the pandemic in the Spring of 2020. That’s when I became a stay-at-home dad. Little did I know that I would continue on the stay-at-home dad path for the next five years and counting to my two daughters, now ages 4 and 6.
With my background, staying home with the kids was way off the map. My first career was full of machoism and bravado and a common saying was, “Your family didn’t come with your seabag.” In the context of Christianity, I was aware that many saw the role as not ideal or outside of traditional gender roles. Regardless of background, as you point out in your article, I was a minority out in public.
My daughters and I especially stuck out when my youngest was a baby and my oldest was toddler. I would sometimes get around by pushing my toddler in a stroller and carrying my baby on my chest. There were some pretty strong reactions. One group of high school boys couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw me pushing a stroller and carrying a baby. Their mouths dropped and they could barely walk upright when they saw a grown man pushing a stroller and carrying a baby. On other occasions, I experienced being gawked at, or glared at.
What kept me going at it over the years? I interacted a lot with the question, “What does it mean to be a provider?” From one angle, maybe I was not being a provider by not being the primary breadwinner? Early on in this journey, I actually got an evening job. My thought was that I could avoid childcare costs, and earn some cash in the evening, and that was a good financial contribution at the time. After a year, I qualified for really good family healthcare with a low deductible, and no premium, and am less than a year from vesting for the pension, and my employer is also providing tuition reimbursement that I am using to work on a new bachelor’s degree. After factoring in childcare and fringe benefits, I would need to make about $70,000 per year in a 9-5 in my Pittsburgh to match my evening job and stay-at-home dad role economically. If I switched to a 9-5 that I’m currently qualified for in Pittsburgh and said that I’m doing it to be a provider for my family, I would be lying because, more likely than not, I provide more economic value through taking care of my kids and working my part time job. The reality is that stay-at-home parents, whether moms or dads, are indeed material providers. Stay-at-home parents provide materially through childcare cost avoidance, helping kids get dressed, and preparing meals to name a few. But there is more to provide than material goods to children. Kids need love, affection, and attention, and that care and affection is valuable from Mom and from Dad. In my case, I was able to provide the most attention, love, and care to my daughters by being with them during the day and working and evening job.
Why do you think more men don’t take on this role—especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners?
I think the way stay-at-home dads are perceived plays a role. I think there are some dads out there who could make a great contribution to their families as a stay-at-home dad, but maybe don’t because of what they believe about the possible perception of others.
Even though being an outlier might be a challenge, and might not be well perceived by some, continuing on anyway can be a good opportunity to grow as a person. For me, continuing on as a stay-at-home dad provided personal growth because I learned to be fueled by my inner conviction of the best way to care for other human beings, my two daughters in in this case, rather than being fueled by the admiration of others that often comes easily with careers and jobs. As a result, we were able to be ourselves and have a great time as a family.
What did you do once your kids started school full-time?
My plan is to finish up my bachelor’s degree in accounting during my youngest daughter’s first year of kindergarten, then start in the accounting field. So, rather than re-enter the same field, I’m using the time as a stay-at-home dad to get momentum for a new career when my kids are both in school.
Hi Sam! Thank you for the article. I’m grateful that someone is writing about the benefits and the challenges of a stay-at-home dad.
The role of stay-at-home dad was not a path that I had planned on. Previously, I had been very focused, somewhat narrow mindedly, on my vocation. I had been a Navy Helicopter Rescue Swimmer and Crew Chief, and had been working towards being a Navy Chaplain. However, I was medically separated, and after things didn’t go well with a church that I pastored, I found myself unemployed in rural South Carolina during the pandemic in the Spring of 2020. That’s when I became a stay-at-home dad. Little did I know that I would continue on the stay-at-home dad path for the next five years and counting to my two daughters, now ages 4 and 6.
With my background, staying home with the kids was way off the map. My first career was full of machoism and bravado and a common saying was, “Your family didn’t come with your seabag.” In the context of Christianity, I was aware that many saw the role as not ideal or outside of traditional gender roles. Regardless of background, as you point out in your article, I was a minority out in public.
My daughters and I especially stuck out when my youngest was a baby and my oldest was toddler. I would sometimes get around by pushing my toddler in a stroller and carrying my baby on my chest. There were some pretty strong reactions. One group of high school boys couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw me pushing a stroller and carrying a baby. Their mouths dropped and they could barely walk upright when they saw a grown man pushing a stroller and carrying a baby. On other occasions, I experienced being gawked at, or glared at.
What kept me going at it over the years? I interacted a lot with the question, “What does it mean to be a provider?” From one angle, maybe I was not being a provider by not being the primary breadwinner? Early on in this journey, I actually got an evening job. My thought was that I could avoid childcare costs, and earn some cash in the evening, and that was a good financial contribution at the time. After a year, I qualified for really good family healthcare with a low deductible, and no premium, and am less than a year from vesting for the pension, and my employer is also providing tuition reimbursement that I am using to work on a new bachelor’s degree. After factoring in childcare and fringe benefits, I would need to make about $70,000 per year in a 9-5 in my Pittsburgh to match my evening job and stay-at-home dad role economically. If I switched to a 9-5 that I’m currently qualified for in Pittsburgh and said that I’m doing it to be a provider for my family, I would be lying because, more likely than not, I provide more economic value through taking care of my kids and working my part time job. The reality is that stay-at-home parents, whether moms or dads, are indeed material providers. Stay-at-home parents provide materially through childcare cost avoidance, helping kids get dressed, and preparing meals to name a few. But there is more to provide than material goods to children. Kids need love, affection, and attention, and that care and affection is valuable from Mom and from Dad. In my case, I was able to provide the most attention, love, and care to my daughters by being with them during the day and working and evening job.
Why do you think more men don’t take on this role—especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners?
I think the way stay-at-home dads are perceived plays a role. I think there are some dads out there who could make a great contribution to their families as a stay-at-home dad, but maybe don’t because of what they believe about the possible perception of others.
Even though being an outlier might be a challenge, and might not be well perceived by some, continuing on anyway can be a good opportunity to grow as a person. For me, continuing on as a stay-at-home dad provided personal growth because I learned to be fueled by my inner conviction of the best way to care for other human beings, my two daughters in in this case, rather than being fueled by the admiration of others that often comes easily with careers and jobs. As a result, we were able to be ourselves and have a great time as a family.
What did you do once your kids started school full-time?
My plan is to finish up my bachelor’s degree in accounting during my youngest daughter’s first year of kindergarten, then start in the accounting field. So, rather than re-enter the same field, I’m using the time as a stay-at-home dad to get momentum for a new career when my kids are both in school.
You lost me when you said being a stay-at-home parent is harder than a 60-hour per week investment bankers job. It’s just not true. More important maybe… but not harder.
How long have you been an investment banker and how many months or years were you a stay at home father? I have yet to meet a stay at home dad who says that work is much harder. Was it difficult to go back into investment banking and get some more compensation when you returned?
I’d love to hear your perspective! Thanks
Great post! I’m currently half-way through my paternity leave (4 months generously granted by the employer). Around here many dads work 80% to have a daddy day every week. That would be the best of both worlds, but alas, quite hard to make it work in tech…
Great post Sam. I believe our kiddos our similar in ages (mine are 5 and 7) so I’m always interested in reading these posts.
The isolation as a SAHD is real — groups of women tend to put up their guards when there’s one random male around, which I can’t blame them for. It’s like having one woman on a men’s hunting trip or bachelor party. The dynamic shifts. Your story of the breastfeeding moms is hilarious and extremely relatable.
Every homeschooling book that I read is targeted towards women. Most chapters begin with “You’ve got this mama!” or “You birthed these children—trust your motherly instincts.” It’s kind of funny now, and I’ve learned to simply laugh at it. Many homeschooling conferences (e.g. Wild and Free) are strictly women only, so I do feel like I miss out at times. And the homeschooling groups / co-ops around here are entirely women as well, so the isolation has continued in that sense.
I’m a freelance graphic designer and limit my work to 5-10 hours per week (before my kids wake up), earning $250-300K each year. So I’m still the primary breadwinner, which makes most folks assume my wife is the homeschooler. Nobody views me as a SAHD, even though I’m with my kids all day, every day. Perhaps the best of both worlds? Or maybe the worst of both worlds? It can feel like if you’re earning well, your caregiving / homeschooling somehow becomes invisible.
With all that said, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I absolutely LOVE every day with my kids. SAHD life, and certainly homeschooling, isn’t for everybody. But for me the rewards massively outweigh the costs – the isolation, and the cultural stigmas.
All the best to you on the new chapter you’ve entered into, Sam. And happy Father’s Day!
Awesome you’re able to generate $250-$300K/year working only 5-10 hours a week before the kids wake up! Sounds like a dream scenario to me. You’ll have to provide some insights into how you do that, b/c I would venture to guess 75%+ of dads would sign up!
Moms definitely deserve more support and kudos given they have to carry, birth, and deal with so much more health and emotional things with children. But it’s also nice for dads to get some love and support once in a while too.
Happy Father’s Day!
I wish more dads are involved in parenting, but the norms, perception and reality don’t line up. Men still generally make more money than women, so it make more sense financially to have the women to stay home rather than the men.
Women are catching up in career and salary, so parenting even in early childhood becomes a shared responsibility. Some of my colleagues shared the parental leave with their partner: Each took 6 months off instead of only one taking 12 months off. (I live in Canada. The parents are eligible for 12 months of parental leave.) Many men take their kids to and from school. The family duties are never 50-50, but the work is no longer only delegated to women exclusively.
That’s good to hear. Perhaps if there was more support for a stay at home dad‘s or equal parental leave, that might help.
I think in retrospect, the ideal amount of time to stay at home is two to maybe three years. That’s a long enough to care for the most delicate time of growth, but not long enough where you get completely shut out of the industry forever if you want to get back in. After all, people will go to business school for two years all the time.
The optimal timeoff without shut out of the industry depends on the field.
I had a female co-worker who complained how the Canadian standard mat leave was too long. She’s a sales person. A year-long leave means her clients goes to another person. When she got back, she needed to establish the relationship with her new clients. She’s from a country that the standard mat leave was 3 months. With a 3 month break, she could push pause on her clients and work with the same clients when she got back. Note that her job was heavily commission-based so the lack of clients meant no money.
I agree that 2-3 years is good to see the child development milestones before the kids start preschool.
An excellent piece, and I don’t even have children. Well done.
Thanks for reading.‘Tis life.
I don’t know if I could continue to be a stay at home parent after the kids go to school full-time either. Yes, there are household chores, and scheduling to do. But after that, then what? I think it’s important that we all find some purpose outside of our kids once they are at school full-time.
You also don’t want to invest everything in your kids and turn into a crazy parent. That would be bad.
I’m not sure how some SAHP just go to the club, play tennis, and brunch everyday. Seems meaningless after a while.
So many great insights. It’s true that the vast majority of daytime caregivers are nannies. And finding one you can trust who is actually dedicated to the role takes time and patience. There’s a huge range of quality and care out there. Props for dedicating so much time to your kids. I’m sure your positivity, engagement, and smarts have had a lasting impact on them.
I appreciate all your writings both for finance and child rearing. I elected to be the SAHP since my wife has the career with stability while mine was lucrative but no security at a startup. We have made it to 13 months and now have a nanny for two days and daycare for three because of my new job. I actually made it a whole year with a paycheck and able to be a SAHD. The last few months became super rough as more was put on my plate due to my boss/friend who passed away and the nature of a start up company. I left that employer and am moving to another company with more stability. It has weighed on me that I’m giving up but I know that the break is needed for my own sanity as well.
Having a nanny has been a game changer and I still work from home. I have some balance and get to see my kid during the day. Kind of the best of both worlds. We wanted to have a nanny for the full 5 days a week but where we live its hard to find a good nanny and we already had one that had reliability issues out the gate. Daycare is cheaper as well but I do feel guilty sending our child there. They can only watch so many kids at once but the up side is they get exposure to other children and you realize that it is a privealge to have the SAHP and nanny option. Hopefully we will find a nanny that can be full time and we can avoid the daycare route full time.
The time spent with your child is precious and fleeting. I view the ability to enjoy the time I have with them as engaged vs drained is a plus by having the help of a nanny, the career I enjoy and the paycheck to get closer to FI before our child is 5 as a major consideration. My work is a passion and highly rewarding. Having that helps me to be a better parent. It doesnt last forever rings true on the times when they are tough and the realization that they won’t be this little forever. Stricking a balance is the idea and enjoying every moment, regardless of the mess is the goal.
My tips for a SAHD:
– Find a network
– Take time for yourself when you can and get support when you need it
– If it doesnt work dont consider it a falure, adapt, change and move on.
Thank you for sharing your story—there’s so much here that resonates. It takes a lot of intention and sacrifice to be a stay-at-home parent, especially when your own career is demanding or unstable. I’m glad you were able to survive and give it a go.
It’s not giving up at all to make a shift for your sanity and long-term well-being. If anything, it’s a wise, proactive move. Burnout doesn’t make anyone a better parent or partner, and the fact that you’re still working from home and getting those meaningful moments with your child during the day is huge. Like you said, kind of the best of both worlds.
Totally hear you on the daycare vs. nanny dilemma. The guilt is real—but so is the reality that social interaction in daycare can be incredibly beneficial too. And yes, just having the option to even weigh nanny vs. daycare is a privilege not lost on most of us.
What you said about being “engaged vs. drained” really hits home. That balance—however imperfect—lets us be more present, and more joyful, in the fleeting time we have with our little ones.
Your closing tips are spot-on: build a network, take breaks, and don’t view a pivot as failure. Just evolving to the next stage. Appreciate your reflection—and congrats on making a courageous, thoughtful transition. Wishing you continued balance and momentum toward FI!
This article speaks to me. In the 1970’s, after Beatlemania and all that entailed, John Lennon famously became a “house-husband”. He seemed quite happy with that decision – just listen to the classic song “Watching the Wheels”.
In my 20’s and 30’s I also had a finance career, long hours, flights, etc. Challenging and rewarding. Saving, investing, passive income, and real estate made it possible to let go and focus on my young son and daughter. My wife is very supportive. Being involved in passion projects, non-profit boards, and teaching part-time help mitigate some awkwardness.
There is something to be said for having freedom to choose what you do with your time. It is pretty incredible.
Being the only dad at school drops is everything you say, though!
What a great perspective—thanks for sharing it. John Lennon’s “Watching the Wheels” is such a perfect reference. There’s a quiet confidence in stepping off the treadmill when you know what matters most, even if others don’t fully understand it.
It sounds like you’ve created an intentional and well-balanced life after the grind of a high-intensity finance career. The fact that you made financial independence possible through saving, investing, and real estate is inspiring—and being able to pivot toward passion projects, teaching, and spending real time with your kids is the ultimate reward.
I’ve definitely noticed a little more Dads do drop off and pick ups over the years. Some have been let go, while others retired, while still, others are in transition mode. There are also more female breadwinners now.
I will say, it still does feel a little bit awkward to meet another stay at home dad, or a “kept man” as some call it. It’s not like some instant connection and kindred Bond as you are also curious and skeptical with that Dad’s situation.
Great perspective on the dynamics of stay-at-home parenting and support systems.
As someone who writes about UK personal finance and family budgeting, I found your take on the costs of childcare and the emotional shift of stepping away from being a SAHD very relatable.
It’s interesting how cultural expectations differ between the US and UK when it comes to nannies or au pairs — here in the UK, access to that kind of help is often more limited, which adds pressure on working parents.
Thanks for sharing the honest reflection. It’s something many of us (especially dads) don’t talk enough about.