After reading Sam’s How To Prevent Your Wealthy Man From Straying, I’ve been thinking a lot about my own situation. You see, I’m the mother of three boys, and I’m the wealthy one in the relationship. As a government employee, I make about $78,000 a year, but my wealth really comes from my parents, who left me about $2 million dollars in real estate and investments when they passed away last year.
My husband is a finance professional who has floundered around in the finance industry for the past 15 years. He’s never worked for the larger, more prestigious banks, but always the lower tier financial institutions that never got any respect from clients. My husband isn’t the most handsome or the smartest man in finance, but he is very gregarious and sociable. Clients like him, they just don’t take anything he has to say seriously, if you know what I mean.
Let’s call my husband Jim. Part of Jim’s job is to travel around the country to wine and dine clients and make sure they are receiving the service they need. He usually goes for a couple days. One trip, I noticed his clothes smelled like female perfume. I’ve got a keen nose and knew it was Eternity for Women.
When I asked Jim why he smelled like CK’s Eternity, he shrugged. He said that the perfume probably rubbed off on his clothes after hugging his female client goodbye. He explained they all went to a bar after dinner. Fine, whatever.
In The Middle Of The Night
Then one evening, I was awoken by couple text message bings on Jim’s phone. He was snoring fast asleep and I’m a light sleeper. I couldn’t unlock his phone to read the message, but I didn’t have to. The text message popped up on the homescreen automatically and said, “What are you doing honey? I miss you.”
I stayed awake for hours staring at the bedroom ceiling wondering who this bitch was. The name said, “Steve Eliz” which didn’t make much sense. Incredibly, right before I was about to go to bed his phone bings again! This time, the message was from “Steve Tracy” that said, “When are you coming down to visit me again.”
That bastard! “Steve” was essentially a fake name where he’d start to categorize the women he was going out with. Their real names would be Steve’s last name.
I woke Jim up, pissed, and asked him about Elizabeth and Tracy. He first said he didn’t know any Elizabeth or Tracy. And then he said Steve Eliz and Steve Tracy were friends he met on his travels. He then admitted after shaking off his groggy cobwebs that Elizabeth and Tracy were just two girls he met when he went on his last business trip to LA. They were just “friends” he met when he and his clients were out of town, but he didn’t want to put their full names in because I might get the wrong message!
I knew Jim was bullshitting, but I didn’t want to confront him any longer. Maybe he really was just having an innocent conversation with other women.
I’m used to Jim going out 2-3 times a week to entertain clients. But what I’m not used to is him not coming home. His first excuse was that he was too drunk to drive home, so he passed out in his car. Fair enough. But then the frequency of passing out in his car increased to once a week. When I told him to just Uber it home, he retorted that he would then have to Uber it back to work. Why waste $90?
Then one evening when he wasn’t back by 1am, I texted him asking where he was. He said that he was staying at his friend’s place in the city. So logically, I called his friend up and asked whether Jim was there. The friend said “No.”
I Know He’s Cheating On Me
I know Jim has been cheating on me for the past 10 years, but I’ve never caught him red-handed. I also know the women he’s cheating with are just laughing behind my back as he buys them lavish gifts and buys them plane tickets to meet him wherever his next business trip takes him.
The problem is, I feel like it’s impossible to divorce him due to the SHAME I will feel for my three sons, and the embarrassment I will feel from my friends and relatives. We had an amazing wedding with over 300 guests. How could I let them down? How could I let my boys down and explain to them daddy was a cheating bastard who doesn’t care about mommy anymore?
It’s hard enough raising three kids, let alone as a single parent. Jim and I have great moments together during the weekends where we spend time together as a family. He treats me and the boys well when we’re together for the most part. He’s just a philandering, asshole when he’s not with us.
If we divorce, we’ll have to spend money on lawyers. I’m also afraid that I’ll have to split my inheritance with him. If we divorce, I’m afraid my boys will hate me because they love their daddy and don’t realize what daddy is doing behind our backs. Boys have a special bond with fathers that I’m envious I cannot replicate.
Divorce seems like the messiest way out of an unhappy married given so much is at stake for me. I know I should leave him, but I’m afraid of living a life alone as a 42 year old woman.
The Pros Of Getting A Divorce
- I no longer have to feel like a fool for letting him betray me.
- I no longer have to listen to his lies as he explains where he’s been.
- I no longer have to feel ashamed for living a failed marriage.
- I no longer have to get laughed at behind my back by the women he’s with and the friends who know what he’s doing.
- The kids can hopefully understand one day the importance of being an honest person.
- The sooner I can break free, the sooner I can move on with my life.
- The sooner I can break free, the less he’ll take of my parent’s money.
The Cons of Getting A Divorce
- I’ll have let down my family, friends, and children.
- I’ll feel like an embarrassment to family, friends, and children.
- Lawyer fees are expensive and things could get very contentious.
- There’s a small chance he might actually not be consistently cheating on me. Maybe I’m wrong? Innocent people are wrongly incarcerated every year.
- It’s very hard to raise three kids by myself and I will need to hire help since my parents are no longer living, and I can’t count on his parents to baby sit anymore because that would be way too awkward.
- I’m accustomed to paying the bills, raising a family, going on trips, working, vacationing and all that as a married woman for the past 10 years.
- I’m afraid of being alone. And I think it will take a ton of adjustment.
- I don’t think I’ll be able to find anybody else at my age. Maybe, but I know it’s going to be hard. Who wants a broken woman who is 42 years old with three kids? Hopefully there is someone out there, but I don’t know.
Has anybody gone through such a situation before where they knew they should leave their spouse, but was too afraid to do so? What are some things you might attempt first before going through a divorce? We’ve already had couples counseling before.
Thank you for allowing me to share my situation. I hope to get some insights from the Financial Samurai community!
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My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, an unplanned pregnancy, a registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dances, and after the birth of a child we had to forget about them altogether. But I thought that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what. The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But there was not enough determination. Largely because everything was normal outwardly: we almost did not quarrel, did not live in poverty, the way stabilized over the years, the child grew up. But there was nothing in common.
At first we chatted a lot: where did you study, what do you do, how do you look at the world, who are your parents and friends, what kind of music do you listen to, what books do you read, what films do you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about. But over time, the topics have exhausted themselves. Both became clear – there was nothing to discuss.
Sometimes it came to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, the dialogue did not work out – it was more like consultation. The husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting bored.Communication should mutually enrich. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build together. When one constantly pulls the other along with him or when people follow different paths, the vital chatter gradually disappears.
It’s now 3 years later… does anyone know what Michelle decided to do?
Michelle – I am separated with 3 kids. I am so much happier separated. Our issues were not about trust, but other relationship problems.
We share custody and co-parent effectively. The kids are doing great. We still do some events together as a family.
The actual separation was of course a difficult period… emotions ran high and there was a lot of stress. We used a mediator to help us reach a separation agreement.
For me the biggest concern was around the children. I sought professional advice and also did a lot of research. Once I was confident the children could still be happy and successful, I was comfortable moving forward. My ex and I planned carefully how to tell them, and how to support them during and after the separation. This has worked out well.
I think it’s important that each parent supports the kids’ relationship with their other parent. I also think parents should not discuss private relationship issues or complaints about the ex with their kids. Children need to feel safe loving both parents, without any pressure to choose sides.
Financially… The cost of living alone is of course higher, and I also must pay child support to my ex. But the big plus has been that I can now make all my financial decisions without having to consult anyone else. I am a saver and my ex was a spender.
I hope everything has worked out for you! If you read this, let us know how you are doing.
Get the poor bugger some help. If you haven’t figured out yet that those years of floundering have affected his self esteem, well … then you’ve also affected his self esteem. Life is messy.
I’m sorry for your unfortunate situation. I am going through a similar situation. I am almost divorced after a year of separation. I have 3 children ages 14(boy), 10(girl), and 3(boy). I’m hearing a sadness and hopelessness in your post. I just went through the absolute worst and best year of my life. BTW, I am a 33 year old female. My ex cheated on me and I was going to divorce him quickly, but he begged for my forgiveness and then got me pregnant. So I stayed 3 more years with him mostly due to being pregnant and taking care of a baby. We still had some good times after that but I could never quite shake the distrust.
Eventually I realized I was fantasizing about a life I didn’t have and felt so empty inside.I too in some ways thought it might be hard to move on.I feel attractive for my age but we all have our insecurities, not the least of which was having 3 children. Unlike you I didn’t have a healthy income to raise my children with. The financial struggle has been the most real to me. I have worked my ass off the past year and wished I had more family help… They live far away and I am stuck now due to custody issues. All that being said, while I have not realized financial success yet, I am getting there and starting to see a glimmer of hope, starting to dream again. The battle you will face is probably not the one you are anticipating. For me it has been nothing less than an extreme mental challenge… I have learned that keeping a positive mindset and mastering my own thoughts has been the key to putting my life back together. At some of my lowest points I didn’t have the will to live anymore. One of the higher points was being validated by a man who not only told me I was beautiful but kissed me in such a way that made me feel so alive again. (It does feel good to be validated by others!)
I have found a wonderful man whom I’ve been dating for 6 months… He treats me amazing. We are taking things slow intentionally.
All that being said at the end of the day, you will look in the mirror and realize you are the only one you can depend on and you will most likely have major trust issues. Good luck and many blessings in whatever you choose. There is no right or wrong choice just many different paths to take!
Sorry to hear about your situation. I was 49 when I found out that my ex was cheating on me. He wanted to have an open marriage. I said no, and filed for divorce. We had been together for 28 years. We have 2 girls, one 20 and one 8 at the time. It has been 3 years and I can tell you that it was the best decision I’ve ever met. For me, cheating is a deal breaker. There is no shame in standing up for yourself. Refuse to be a door mat. People respect you for having the courage, strength and integrity to look out for yourself and your children. For the divorce, we split everything 50/50, and I found that being on my own, I am able to save a lot more money, and have been able to build up a very comfortable nest egg. I’m sure the fact that I’ve worked during the marriage helps. Please believe in yourself! Your children will admire you! Best of luck!
I find it telling that you included his professional shortcomings in this, as well as the fact that you don’t consider him attractive or intelligent. It is likely that he is insecure about not being the breadwinner in the family; that coupled with your contempt for him may be contributing to his behavior. As PK noted he may be trying to prove his desirability to himself and to you, since it seems he isn’t getting much respect at home.
I’m very sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I wish you the best of luck.
While I think it’s a very safe bet he is cheating on you, I would recommend finding out for sure. Private detectives are quite cheap, and if he’s being as indiscreet as you describe it will take one about 1/2 day to confirm for certain (if you go the route of a divorce, this will be a tiny drop in the bucket of professional fees). Also, it would be nice to know for sure if, down the road, he protests his innocence and blames you for the divorce (sorry to dredge up dark scenarios, but he could say you made up the cheating stories b/c you didn’t want to share your parents’ estate – divorce seems like it can get gloves off very quickly). People make think this is a stupid and wasteful move, but going from 99.8% certain to 100.0% would be worth a few hundred dollars to me.
And I do think his indiscretion is a signal – sometimes people want to get caught. If he is cheating, it’s a horrible thing, but perhaps he knows all too well your thoughts re: his professionalism (and looks, and intelligence) and wants to “prove” someone can actually like him for who he is. Or maybe (my .2% above), he’s making all of this up. Hearing his side – hopefully with a marriage counselor – would be a nice thing, even if you do end up divorcing.
I wish you the best of luck.
Bottom line, you’re scared. Your life is on autopilot and pleasant. You have a nice place, nice kids, nice family, nice social standing, and you are so terrified that could all be mucked up. You’re more worried about what everyone else will think of you and your standing in the community and with your family and how you will be viewed than about what this is doing to you. Just look at how you laid it out in the pros and cons, disappointing family, shame about what people will think, what the kids with think, etc. Those are all excuses to keep you from experiencing the scary side of living alone and being divorced.
You know what isn’t on the list? Getting a permanent STD like Herpes. Getting a nutcase woman wanting to be the lady in his life stalking you or more importantly your kids. Getting a call from a woman wanting him to start paying palimony for their love child, money that should be going to YOUR children. Having your bank account and your parent’s inheritance get slowly sucked dry to pay for his infidelity instead of helping you and your kids. Or best of all, having him find someone else and dumping YOU after cleaning out all the money and bank accounts.
Get a lawyer, get a privite investigator to track him on his trips a few times to get definitive evidence. Verify via the PI and Lawyer that he hasn’t been hording money or isn’t in staggering debt that he’s hidden from you. Start separating the money now before he does it for you, because he will. Even if you are willing to give marriage counceling a shot, go to the lawyer and PI first to get as much evidence to know what exactly you are dealing with. He may wait a year, or five, or ten. Heck, he may be waiting until the kids are adults before dumping you. But guaranteed when he sees an opportunity to go, he will go and take it all with him. It takes two parties to make this work. He has no, zero, zip, nada, incentive to make your marriage work beyond what is going on now. You busted him ten years ago and have done nothing.
So he has nothing to fear. He can keep enjoying things as they are until something better presents itself or until he decides to end it. You think you have everything to fear, but that’s the problem. Your own insecurities are caging you into living a life ruled by fear, fear of being alone, fear of being shamed, fear of his anger, fear of loss of social standing, fear of ridicule.
It’s your life, you have to decide how you want to live it.
I am sorry this is happening. Whatever the reasons he cheated, he cheated and you should end this. My biggest concern is how he risked your safety by cheating. Imagine if he got HIV, or an STD and then gave it to you. He was willing to risk the life you had for fun.
Not my business, but were you two having sex atleast once a week, going out on dates a few times a month? Do you eat dinner as a family together often? Attend church, talk, laugh and have fun? I would imagine this marriage has been over for quite a long time and is more of a friendship/roomates/ rasing the kids relationship.
You didnt fail, things happen. When the crap hit the fan he cheated.
Good Luck
Go over to survivinginfidelity.com. Start posting there. Read “Love must be tough.” I was scared as heck to be alone. I know the fear can be paralyzing, and the fear of what everyone else thinks can be paralyzing. I let that hold me back for a long time. I thought everyone will be so disappointed…my aunts and uncles, everyone who traveled, I’ll look like a failure. The reality is that you are not the center of the universe, and nobody really cares that much about your life. It is YOUR life and nobody is going to look out for your interests other than you. Especially not your husband. He’s got it good, doesn’t he? I would refuse to help him keep up the charade and have his playing on the side. They say you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You need to get his respect and pretending everything is just fine will simply cause him to lose respect for you. See the lawyer. You don’t have to do anything, just learn what your options are. Once you have that firmly in place, I would tell him that he is completely allowed to date as much as he wants, but not as your husband. He has to choose. You know he’s cheating, don’t get caught up in needing “proof”. You’ve got your proof. You may not have all the details but you know. Best of luck.
I disagree with those who say divorce is no big deal, implying that it won’t hurt the kids. In most instances, staying in a bad marriage is the lesser of two evils when you factor in the effect on the kids. Kids whose parents divorce have more discipline problems in school, have shorter life expectancy, and are more likely to divorce and/or have unstable relationships themselves.
I do agree Michelle should see both a therapist and a lawyer. But I think making the best of this very bad situation means making long term divorce plans and plotting this out very carefully…and ideally waiting until the youngest kid is at least 18.
I hope you can seek professional counseling for the two of you (and maybe individual counseling too) and really get to the point of having open and honest conversations about everything. We have heard one side of the story (and it doesn’t sound good), I wonder what the other side might be. Not saying that in a snarky way at all, by the way, but there are always two sides.
Ultimately, putting aside whatever we think represents right or wrong (and I think the cheating is never acceptable), it’s about shared commitment to each other and the marriage. I’m hoping the two of you can work through these difficult times and come though it stronger. All the best.