A female friend asked me over a drink one day whether I had any tips on how she can lock down her husband forever. I immediately started imagining her throwing her hubby in a dark cage after sunset and maniacally laughing as she twisted a thick key to keep him hidden from the world. Her husband is a wealthy fella who is charming enough to have a whole lot of extracurricular fun if he wanted to. She’s attractive and successful as well, but still she has fears.
My friend’s situation reminded me of a UC Berkeley study that found wealthier people are more prone to cheating, taking candy from children, and failing to wait their turn at four-way stops. This is pretty obvious if you think about the correlation. When you’ve got more money, you’ve got more options. When you’ve got more options, you’ve got more temptations. When you’ve got more temptations, the chances of fulfilling those temptations goes up.
Men who know you’re the best thing they’re ever going to get are much less likely to cheat. They’ll probably appreciate you much more, be more attentive to your needs, wash the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the floor, take out the trash, keep the bathrooms clean, give you foot massages, buy you flowers every week, take you on romantic trips to Target, and maybe even let you go out for drinks with your handsome physical trainer. Nirvana right?
I’m always on the lookout for any type of correlation between relationships and money because the topic is so fun! Several years ago a blogging buddy sold his personal finance site for $4 million dollars. Soon after, he divorced his wife and decided to travel the world with another woman. Coincidence? Or did money give him the courage to break free? It’s like Obamacare allowing millions of Americans to no longer be tethered to a job they despise anymore. Screw you boss! I’m outta here!
Let’s discuss three strategies women can deploy to lock down their men and create happier relationships.
ADVICE FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO KEEP THEIR MEN
The highest chance for a woman has of losing her man is when he is between 32-52 years old, depending on age of marriage. At 32 years old, a man is finally coming into his own after 8-10 years of work. He still looks relatively young and is probably finally where he wants to be in his career. He’s making more money and can afford a car and probably an apartment as well. He’s much more confident than he was in his 20s. I put the upper limit at 52 just because of the confluence of age, fitness, attitudes towards dating, and fading energy. Many of the playboys I know get this “what the hell am I doing” moment after reaching 40 and 50 if they are still single.
Most men are average to below-average looking compared to women. But if you give an average man some money and some platform shoes, he’ll feel better than average. And if you give an average man a lot of money, then he may start thinking he’s God’s gift to women.
If you’re insecure and feel that your man is going to stray, then I suppose you can sabotage your man’s wealth building efforts by talking bad about him to his bosses and colleagues. You can secretly syphon money out of your joint bank account. Or you can prevent him from sleeping so he’s grouchy and doesn’t perform well at work. But that might make you guys both miserable. Instead, here are three better ways to keep your man when it comes to money.
1) Make more than your man. It doesn’t matter if your man is making a tidy $200,000 a year. If you are making $225,000 a year, your man will feel a little bit insufficient. He wants to at least make the same. The poorer you make him feel, the more you can control him. It’s much rarer for men to have sugar mamas. If a man stumbles across one, he will hold onto her for dear life. I’ve got a couple friends who married female doctors and they give me high fives every week when we meet up in the middle of the day for tennis. I’ve got another friend who married into mega wealth and his life revolves around throwing parties, taking private jets to the Super Bowl, raising money for charity, taking care of his children, and traveling the world. He is never going to stray from his wife because he doesn’t have his own way of making a steady source of income!
2) Come from a wealthier or more powerful family. If you can’t make more than your man, then at least come from a wealthier or more prestigious family. If your parents are CEOs of multi-national corporations or won gold medals at the 1984 Olympic games, your man will feel extreme pressure to try and make himself worth more to you and your parents. It doesn’t matter if he’s already perfect. What matters is that he won’t feel perfect, and will therefore be more appreciative. Coming from a family of politicians or a politically connected family also does the trick. Power is often more intoxicating than money because less people have power.
3) Demonstrate amazing talents. If you can neither make more money than your man nor come from a wealthier or more prestigious family, then you must develop an amazing talent he both admires and envies. Figure out what type of lessons he took growing up. Maybe he always wanted to be a violinist, but failed after book five of the Suzuki Method. Maybe he wanted to be a painter, but was peer pressured into only playing sports as a man. If you can be that amazing musician, dancer, or artist, he will have an enormous amount of appreciation for you. Do something well that he enjoys, but doesn’t do well himself.
CONSIDER LESS WEALTHY BUT KIND MEN
If you are fearful of a dishonest boyfriend or husband, perhaps the best type of man to keep forever is a lower income fella who is average looking and kind. A sixth grade teacher making $60,000 a year who likes to play softball with his buddies is a good example. Teachers are inherently caring, but are woefully underpaid for what they contribute to society. It’s much easier for you to make more than $60,000 a year than to try to outdo some private equity guy making $1,000,000 a year. Those guys get so much action it’s unbelievable.
Money emancipates many men. No longer do they want the average looking woman even if the men are themselves below-average looking. They want the super model. No longer do men with money show tremendous patience at four-way stop signs. They’ll barrel on through because they think they are now better than people like me who drive Honda Fits.
You can’t totally fault guys for eating too many cookies when a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies are taken out of the oven and presented to them every day. You can only understand their temptation and try and make them smell a sizzling steak instead.
Finally, it may be better to find a man who has already been wealthy for many years because he’ll have grown accustomed to his wealth. Men who start off with little money and suddenly have a lot are ones to watch out for. Such a man is going to work through all his demons and desires until he finally returns to center. Sometimes you’re just going to have to trust your gut and hope for the best. What matters most is if he still loves you at the end of the day.
I recommend everybody be an independent person and stay on top of their own finances. Check out Personal Capital, a free financial tools software that allows you to track your net worth and optimize your finances. It’s one of the best tools you can ever use to growth your wealth. I’ve been using it since 2012 and have seen my net worth surge higher since.
Related Posts:
How To Get A Rich Man To Marry You?
Should I Get An MBA To Find A Wealthy Spouse?
Photo: A kiss on Waikiki beach during sunset, 2020.
So true. I have been my ex-hb through 5 years of PhD. We were both very poor and lived on 1800 a month from the PhD stipend. However, as soon as he started working for the hedge fund (finance), he started cheating. After a month on his first job, he went to a business trip to Frankfurt and hired an escort. This idiot did not even use a condom first time and gave me an STD. He has been hiring escorts for 2.5 years without me knowing till I caught him when he finally did it in Boston (before he only stuck to his business trips hiring escorts). I caught him when I was 5.5 months pregnant and I almost lost the baby. The worst part: for the all last 2.5 years he has been cheating, we were trying for a baby. Eventually, we did IVF. He cheated before IVF, between IVF cycles, and after the IVF when I was pregnant. I am especially angry because it is one thing to cheat and another thing is to decide to bring a baby knowing that you are cheating. Also, infertility was his problem and not mine. I wish I could say I wasted 7 years with him but I am having a baby so I am glad at least something beautiful came out of this relationship. Becoming rich makes men cheat.
I was having a conversation just a couple of days ago with some co-workers about the fact that wealth doesn’t make people bad, but it does have the power to magnify their unsavory characteristics. An unfaithful poor man may not have the money to woo a mistress, but if he’s unfaithful at his core, he’ll find other ways to do it.
I think it’s pretty funny that you posted this article, considering how un-PC it is! However, I do think there is a lot of truth in what you say. I lived in Hong Kong for 4 years, and I saw what all the finance guys were getting up to. My husband is not in finance but he makes a pretty good income. I don’t want him to make more!! (Even though it would be fun to have more money.) It’s even worse in HK and Shanghai than in the US because Being a foreign man there adds extra desirability. *Sigh* We were there when we were younger, but if we did our Asia expating as 40 year olds I’m not sure what would have happened. So many of my old friends have ended up divorced. And, I should mention that we are in love and very happily married! But, it’s so hard to resist constant temptation….
Interesting take on the subject. I love it when the emotion of the situation is taken out of it and we can look at it as objective as possible.
Right now, I’m the breadwinner, so hopefully my fiance decides to stick with me after all ;)
Sam,
Your way overthinking this. All women have to do to hold onto the majority of men, “rich or poor” is 3 simple things. Cook, sex, and fun.
In all of my friends marriages that have not worked at least 2 of these things were missing. I cant think of 1 person I know who got a divorce that was getting fed, having regular sex, and having fun with their spouse.
I would change the order (priority) to sex, fun ,food… never was a big foodie
I guess I will weigh in on the issue at hand.
It seems quite obvious to me. A certain percentage of the population is prone to cheating (male or female). With increased money comes increased opportunity to cheat with less effort and risk. Therefore it follows that as a percent, wealthier people will tend to cheat more than less wealthy people who have less opportunity and more risk of getting caught. There are always outliers but the greater the sample population the clearer the bell curve becomes.
Any attempts to “lock down” someone (or keep yourself attractive, attentive etc.) to keep them from straying may work for a while but if they are naturally prone to it, and they have the means to increase opportunity and ease of execution it will eventually happen in my opinion. And by “prone” I mean they lack the willpower to resist their self indulgence urges in every case. Everyone has attractions, fantasies, infatuations – that’s normal, but not everyone acts on them consequences be damned.
The comments back and forth is way more interesting than the original blog…
Sam, why do I have this sneaky feeling that you deliberately lit this fire to sit back and watch the show (and continuously throw fresh fuel on). Did you need a little distraction from your day job?
We’re not in financial Kansas anymore toto!.
You got me! I do enjoy reading from the community. That’s part of the fun of blogging.
LOL!!! Folks really fell for it this time!
“Most men are average to below-average looking compared to women.”
Do you live in the US?
A high percentage of girls at most clubs will be fat and a similarly high percentage of guys at the same club will be jacked.
Due to the high number of fat girls, I would be shocked if female attractiveness is higher than male attractiveness in the US.
The women here in Hawaii are beautiful. Have you ever been? I’m here right now and all I want to do is eat right and get in better shape because of what I see.
No – want to go in the future though!
I’m excited for you then. You will be amazed. Where are you living?
Let us all know when you get that dream job writing for Cosmo. Toodles!
My phone is ringing off the hook! Always good to diversify genres as a writer given it’s a tough and competitive world out there.
Wow…. Sam,
I don’t know where to begin with this article?
Since you are a man (and I presume not gay), I don’t think you are qualified to describe the physical attractiveness of men. I think you will need female opinion for that.
As far as the longevity of marriage? That is such a complex subject. There are so many factors involved with this issue. People change as they age (both physically and mentally), and the marriage relationship also changes.
Is money a factor? Sure! But I don’t think it is the primary issue. I can certainly say that having a high earning or more talented wife will not necessarily stop a husband from straying. If the husband has opportunities to stray; it is more likely to occur.
Also….. You seem to be discounting the fact wives frequently stray. Probably more often than husbands stuck at boring corporate jobs (with long hours in pointless meetings).
Folks don’t have to listen to me, even though it’s so obvious. They can listen to the studies done by psychologies and doctors all over. Click the link to check out the graphs.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/201101/women-are-more-beautiful-men
If beautiful people have more daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable, then it follows that, over time, women become physically more attractive than men. This indeed appears to be the case.
The logic of the generalized Trivers-Willard hypothesis (gTWH) suggests that physically more attractive parents are more likely to have daughters than physically less attractive parents. As I explain in earlier posts, the data from both the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) in the United States and the National Child Development Study (NCDS) in the United Kingdom confirm this prediction. Physically more attractive parents are significantly more likely to have a daughter as their first child than physically less attractive parents.
If beautiful parents are more likely to have daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable (such that beautiful parents beget beautiful children and ugly parents beget ugly children), then it logically follows that, over many generations in the course of human evolution, the average level of physical attractiveness among women should gradually increase and the average level of physical attractiveness among men should gradually decrease. No matter what the initial sex difference in physical attractiveness (whether men were more attractive than women, women were more attractive than men, or there were no sex differences in physical attractiveness), given long enough time, the outcome should be that women are on average more physically attractive than men are.
Earlier studies indeed show that women are on average physically more attractive than men both in Japan and in the United States. The analysis of the NCDS data replicates the sex difference in physical attractiveness in the United Kingdom.
As you can see, girls are on average physically more attractive than boys are. A majority (56.03%) of the girls are either “attractive” or “very attractive,” whereas the comparable figure among boys is much lower (41.75%). In fact, a majority (51.21%) of the boys are “about average.” Nearly twice as many girls (19.53%) as boys (10.51%) are “very attractive.” It therefore appears that, both in the United Kingdom and the United States, women are indeed more physically attractive on average than men are, at least partly because beautiful parents are, and have been, more likely to have daughters.
Money or no money, people find ways to cheat because there’s always opportunities that are not solely dependent on money. It’s like the Fraud Triangle.
One thing money can buy is access to more opportunities. For example, if you can afford a guest house or an empty apartment in a foreign land, it makes everything a lot easier.
It appears to me that when you reach a certain level of enlightenment in your life, your attraction to people depends way less on their outward, physical appeal and more on what their character is. I would think that a marriage is much more likely to succeed when both partners are committed to growing as people, and want to help each other improve, not view it as a game with “every man for himself” and the one with the hottest, youngest spouse wins ;)
The application of financial logic is probably not the best solution to moral quandaries. The hope of retaining any long-lasting real relationship by any financial means or solution is truly nonsensical.
You can put time and effort in to a financial based resolution but it is likely futile since your effort is going in to solutions that won’t produce the desired result. This is behavior based and while financial wealth can play a part as mentioned in the study above… any person with a self-perceived high self-worth will justify unethical behavior in their mind.
The study might have some truth to it, but in this country only less than 5% of people make that kind of money, so the info is a bit skewed. I also read somewhere a few years ago that around 70% of men have cheated in the past, and who do you think they are stepping out with, the other 70% of the women population. Everything in this life is a risk, and marriage is not the exception. I think cheating is more a personality thing, and less of an income thing.
Glad you guys have mutual feelings! That’s wonderful!
I wonder if it feels worse when a woman cheats because she feels emotionally disconnected, or for a woman when a man cheats because he’s simple looking for variety.
Sounds like your friend has major trust issues and insecurity. The most important factors for a successful relationship is trust and compatibility. Her relationship is missing trust if she’s asking you that question.
Er, yes. That much is obvious! Solutions? Let’s focus on solutions and actions.
Tell her to see a therapist or a relationship counselor to deal with her trust issues. If her husband is also your friend, then she shouldn’t be discussing this topic with you. If he’s not a friend, then you can offer to be the guy who she can cheat with.
A simple solution: Prenup, with teeth.
Say, every year each put in actual cash of 15% of income into a “Dont Stray” pot. When one cheat the other take all the pot balance and that balance will be excluded from later divorce lawsuit. Then the pot start again from zero.
Sounds like a fun game! What if one spouse earns 10X more than the other? Same 15% contribution of income, or should we go progressive tax government style?
To be simple I would use straight flat “Dont Stray” tax of 15% apply to the gross income. The nominal amount in the pot is adequate for the one who earns less –the woman.
But if she really wants to punish her wealthy man, a progressive “Dont Stray” tax rate same as the Fed Tax Rate can be applied to the gross income, no deduction of any kind. This hurts the wealthy man more.
It truly depends on the man – wealthy or not. Even the poorer ones can cheat! Money is an easy catalyst – but I think more importantly men tire of women easily, and this is because they can and they need more – either to satisfy their lust or intellectual need. Everything around us is made to tempt them, and they don’t have moral or social obligations to cater to that anymore. Women are too obsessed with their looks they go overboard to please everyone except the person who matters at home. I have seen women stoop low to love and be loved. I am concerned that love should not be bought this way. I dont think earning higher than a man is gonna keep him intact either- nor I would like someone to stick to me because of money i have or some form of control. Then that is not a relationship I want to be in. There are many others who are comfortable with unbalanced arrangements and to those, I feel they are walking on edges – and don’t be surprised if they fall over. I have no pity for those for they made their own bed. Love should be love and people should know what they are commiting to and be ready to stand by it or leave when things dont work.
Did you have to “out” JD Roth like that? …..and he didn’t get 4MM for his blog. Get your facts straight Sam.
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Perhaps his previous relationship had issues and he saw this moment as a good time to cut things off. Someone as ingenious and as bright as JD wouldn’t have just made that drastic change based on the financial windfall that he received from selling his blog.
Huh? I wasn’t referring to JD at all. I think you’re confusing GRS with the hundreds of millions of other sites on the web. The site that was sold is health / lifestyle related that receives over 1.3 million page views a month.
And if I was referring to JD, then are you not the one “outing” JD by writing JD’s name? You put me in a pickle here approving your comment, but it’s fun to hash out. There are lots of similarities in much of what we do because there’s such a large population.
And if that’s what JD is doing and both men and women respect him for seeking what he wants, then more power to him.
Way to go!
Don’t be offended by my critisizm, I think you do a great job on a lot of topics. But I think you’re way off base on this one.
I’ve known a few cheaters and some of them are jerks while others are fairly respectable guys that love their wives but want a little variety occationally. And for the record, I don’t cheat, but I’ am interested in the psychology of why guys risk their marriages and sometimes ruin thier lives for a little action. I think that most men are eather likely to cheat or they are not. But there is a small percentate, maybe 20-ish% of men that aren’t likely to cheat but might be convinced to do so and feeling untrusted or manipulated by their wives might just pust them over the edge. And the passive aggressive attitude, or some might say manipulation, that you’re suggesting just might push that 20-ish% into the cheater camp.
My opinion is that women should be careful about who they marry. They should marry a guy who is willing to discuss thier concerns and fears instead of discount them as silly women’s worries. They should get pre-marital counselling and not marry a guy who is not willing to do that and talk about issues and concerns like this. The best advice I heard about marriage was that love is a verb, not a noun or adjective. It’s an action. You choose to love someone, you don’t fall in love. You fall into infatuation with someone and infatuation wears off.
Twice during my six year marriage my wife has found a pair of panties in our house that didn’t belong to her. I have no idea where they came from. We’ve had house guests, house sitters, stayed at other people’s houses during our vacations and vacactioned with other people. I have no explanation for their appearance but that’s a hard thing to dismiss if you don’t have trust. But I listened to her concerns, we talked about it and the second time I even tried to find the source by asking a few people that have stayed in our house or people we’ve vacationed with recently. she trusts me and we got through it. But if she were listening to people who were telling her to passive aggressively manipulate me, it would have been much more difficult. She also makes about 10% more than me (woo hoo!) and I don’t think that factors into whether or not I would cheat. I just think cheating is a really stupid thing to do when you have so much to lose.
Paul, thanks for sharing.
Given she makes 10% more than you, perhaps you don’t know it, but that could very well be the reason why she has locked you down! You’re not going to mess up your relationship b/c you see her as an equal if not more!
Interesting story about finding a random woman’s underwear in your house. I guess guilty or innocent, deny, deny, deny is the takeaway I’m getting if you aren’t caught in the act?
No, you’ve got it wrong. We got married at 35 and 36. By that time I was smart enough to know that if we were going to make a marriage work it would take 100% committement on both our parts and we’d each have to give up some things and certainly one of those things would be seeing other people, that’s kind of a no-brainer. I just happend to marry someone with good career potential in the petro industry so her salary has grown faster than mine. I made more than her when we got married.
As for the panties thing, I’m not telling someone how to get away with it. I don’t do it so I don’t have to get away with it. But this weird thing happened twice and if I didn’t listen and validate that her concerns are important and if she was being influenced by others to not trust me by passively aggressively subverting any attempt I might have to cheat, then it would have been much more difficult to get through it.
Your advice in telling women how to get their husband to not cheat after they’ve selected him is off the mark. I’m saying they should choose a husband who won’t cheat by discussing it with him and getting premarital counselling. And for those who are already married, its not too late for discussion and marital counseling isn’t just for failing marriages. Infidelity is the second largest cause of divorce and I suspect it occurs at some point in 25% or more of marriages. That’s not something to be taken lightly and any guy worth his salt will listen to his wife’s concerns.
Although it sounds like good advice to have a discussion by telling the other spouse “don’t cheat on me” in order for the spouse not to cheat on you, we all know that actions speak louder than words. I discuss and ask people not to do stuff all the time, but very seldom does anybody ever listen to me all the time.
But all in all, yes, having an open discussion to discuss and understand one party’s concerns is very important.
My comment is from the perspective of someone who has been cheated on. My first husband was the most loving and attentive he could be with me. We were really happy and didn’t even have a lull in our marriage when the cheating started. I was the only one working throughout our six year marriage so making more money didn’t keep him from straying. He was an older college student who seemed to take forever to graduate. My ex definitely had attractive qualities despite the lack of money. He was intelligent, spoke five languages, handsome, athletic, thoughtful, romantic, and sentimental. He prided himself on his integrity so when I confronted him about the affair he was truly ashamed. I honestly don’t believe that my ex was seeking for an affair. I think he was intrigued when he met his mistress and he liked the excitement because he was a person who always had a need to keep experiencing new things, like how he loved to travel all over the world. In addition, she is probably more intelligent than I am being that she was a graduate genetics researcher at Stanford at the time. A year after our divorce, we were still friends while living on opposite ends of the U.S., so when the mistress (now his wife) called me to let me know that he had suddenly died I was in utter disbelief and sadness because I thought of him as the love of my life. During that call his wife did something thoughtful for me. She said that my ex had mentioned how much I loved making flower arrangements (it’s true, I plan on opening a flower shop one day) and asked if I would like to make a flower arrangement for his casket. This conversation showed me that the two of them had a good relationship and that she was a kind person, similar to me, actually, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that my ex ended up with her. It hurt less to know that he didn’t throw away our relationship for someone insignificant.
Nevertheless, I was so depressed after my ex’s death that I didn’t date or socialize for two years. I’m now married again after dating my husband for four years. I’m still the breadwinner in the relationship and I do believe that my husband thinks I’m a great catch because I do make a good income, can cook, am fun, and keep it exciting in the bedroom. I don’t worry about my current husband cheating on me because if he does then he truly doesn’t love me and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I’m not valued.
I think Sam’s advice is good but there are no guarantees because it does come down to each individual’s needs. Figure out what it is that is most important to your husband and keep him really happy with those areas.
The premise of this post is offensive. Two people who truly love each other and are committed shouldn’t have to worry about “earning more” or “coming from a powerful family.” My husband loved me when I made $11 an hour as a nanny while I studied and he loves me the same now that I make considerably more. Likewise, I loved him when he made $9 as an administrative assistant and had thousands of dollars in credit card debt. And now that he has a regular job and a nice income, I don’t love him any more.
Believe it or not, some relationships aren’t based on money or power at all- they are based solely on love and respect. Any man I had to worry about cheating on me would be out of my life immediately. And any woman who is trying to “lock her man down forever” needs to take a serious look at what she’s fighting for.
Although, like you, I was offended by my friend asking me such a ridiculous question, I still wanted to help her find some solutions.
“Shouldn’t have to ” is easy to say, but how do you deny how someone feels?
I’m surprised you don’t believe in the UC Berkeley study about how wealthier people tend to cheat more and disregard the rules more.
Perhaps there is a disconnect because the post is talking about a wealthy couple? I’m not sure how much your husband has made or is making, or what is the maximum you’ve made before. In this scenario, the couple pulls in over 7 figures a year and the husband earns north of $750,000 a year.
That might be the difference. We have never made anywhere near 750K before!
Still, I stand by what I said. My husband wouldn’t get googly eyes for other women just because we earned that much. And if he did, I wouldn’t try to trap him. You cannot trap someone who cheats anyway. And I don’t understand why a woman would try to trap someone who is prone to stray. I say don’t let the door hit you on your way out!
It’s hard to know what we don’t know. We all think our loved ones are saints until something bad happens. Lots of money does bad things to good people.
I recall one of your posts about never revealing how much one made. Since you know your friend’s income, did you ask them? If they just told you, it would seem to be just completely boasting at $750k/yr, with combined over million as a couple.
It wasn’t boastful because everybody in the circle makes or has made the level before.
And people can figure out pretty easily what the minimum general income level people make after X experience, and Y level.
I think Sam is right. Sounds like your husband earns a nice middle class income. Ergo, he is not a wealthy man or breadwinner who feels the greed and sense of superiority that money produces in certain men. As a result, it’s hard to comprehend what this woman is going through. I guess ask your husband what happens if he ever starts consistently making multiple times more than you.
Ummm…..no. I will not ask my husband that ridiculous question. “Hey honey, are you going to want to bang other people if you start earning more?”
Awkward. Oh, and I currently make more than him and he has never asked me that ridiculous question either.
Let me tell you how it plays out. He’ll say something like, “Of course not! What kind of question is that? You’re the only one for me!”
I’ve never known a cheater to proclaim to his spouse that he plans on cheating beforehand. Have you?
And of course your husband won’t say what’s really on his mind. 1) You make more than him, so the risk to losing his sugar mama is higher, and 2) He’s not rich, so he doesn’t have that sense of entitlement money brings.
LOL! Dear police officers, in robbing a bank at 2:35pm. Cya there!
I’m siding with Jenna on this one. You can’t truly know what someone is going through without being in their shoes.
I don’t think anybody goes into a marriage or relationship thinking they will be divorcing.
This may not be the dumbest internet conversation I have ever had, but it’s up there. =)
Let me go out on a limb here and say that neither one of you are happily married. Not every man or woman out there thinks with their genitals. I, for example, have no interest in men other than my husband. And he will never read this thread, nor does he need to. The thought makes me want to vomit and that’s exactly how it should feel when you really love someone.
Wow interesting blog Sam ! I have to admit that I know ALOT of men who have cheated ! It didn’t matter the money..It’s just that ALOT of men think with their little head downstairs .. then the one upstairs. It’s sad really! Men or women if you don’t LOVE someone and find it easy to cheat..then they should NOT be together! I’m a massage therapist and I have heard alot of stories from alot of men! I feel like a shrink to these men when they tell me . I just tell them get counselling if they love their wives. I guess because they are stressed out and feeling guilty they get more massages to try to relax! Don’t figure! I digress!
I agree with Holly on this one. My husband and I loved each other when we made minimum wage and we are happily married now with 2 kids and making 6 figures. Do we look at other people? Of course, we definitely look if there are attractive men and women on the beach while we are there. Would we cheat? I wouldn’t and I highly doubt he would either. We respect each other and help each other out. We are the team that is raising two kids and enjoying life together. The other thing I agree with Holly is if he did stray, why would I try to keep him?
That’s right
Glad to hear I’m not alone in this, Kristy. People who have never experienced a truly happy and fulfilling marriage just cannot grasp what it means to have that kind of love. People love to imagine that other people would cheat if given the right circumstances but that is simply not true. Many people would not, and many of them have no desire to.
You’d keep him because you wouldn’t know.
I would know…we talk all the time and have a mutual respect for each other. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to keep it from me. That being said, I don’t think he would cheat in the first place.
I know this was two years ago but these chick’s can’t be thathere naive lol
Funny article, but men generally cheat because they’re more biologically prone to do so. No matter how beautiful a woman is at first, it doesn’t take that long for most guys to tire of a woman’s looks. It’s almost always about temptation between the current/previous and a new woman for the guy. Money and fame just brings more options for the average and unattractive looking man, that’s all. Most women typically cheat on guys, because they’re not all that into the guy to begin with or they feel emotionally disconnected and neglected from him.
As for women being more attractive than men, you’ve got to be kidding right? I would say the level of attractiveness is probably equal. Only caveat is that the best looking guys tend to be gay though for some reason though.
If you want to decrease your boyfriend/husband to cheat, snag an engineer instead. I used to work in engineering and it’s about 95% guys only, so chances of him having female contact is almost zero at work. He’d have to actively work at finding a woman to cheat with versus other professions where gender disparity isn’t so skewed. The downside maybe a dull, but stable life.
Finally, if there’s a huge difference in finances and age with a couple, both likely knew what they’re getting into and wanted from the relationship unless one of them is completely naive.
I am married an engineer and one year later I found out he want to marry another woman… long story short, I let her keep him and I enjoy the rest of my life.
Definitely not kidding with a higher percentage of attractive women than men on a similar comparison basis. I’m surprised you don’t think there’s more an emphasis on beauty with female humans, just like there’s more of an emphasis with beauty with male peacocks. It’s just evolution.
Sociology is reeks of anecdotal opinion.
Little to none of these beliefs can be verified or quantified meaningfully.
– men generally cheat because they’re more biologically prone to do so
– the best looking guys tend to be gay
– women typically cheat on guys, because they’re not all that into the guy to begin with or they feel emotionally disconnected and neglected from him
etc
Most candid post of the year?
My takeaway is that, given the evidence that bad behavior (cheating and, seriously?, taking candy from children) is more common when wealthy, perhaps there’s a prudent limit to the amount you might want to earn or attain. Whether you’re the husband or wife, or the big earner or not, it seems like something that puts your marriage at risk is a bad idea. Marriage trumps money, easy.
Unfortunately, no matter how much one tries, relationships get old and variety is necessary to keep things spicy and exciting.
I do agree that wealthy men or women have much more selection than average people. Why else do you see really unattractive people with money hook up with very attractive people?
I think I read an article that men are more likely to cheat on a high earning spouse because they need some outside source to validate their masculinity, so I’m not sure that trying to make more money as a power play wouldn’t backfire. Also, I would think that a wealthier partner would be restrained by the threat of losing half their net worth and paying alimony. Probably the best solution is to marry someone with similar values and strong character, whose parents, siblings and friends are in happy marriages.
That’s interesting psychology! I can see the merit to that. Hence, perfect income equality might be the solution. A million for you, a million for me a year. Perfect.
Danger! Danger! In my experience, there are a few rules that will minimize this issue…
1) Once married, you have to lose your friends of the opposite sex. It shouldn’t be that way…but it is that way.
2) No alcohol or nighttime events. Things happen at night, and with alcohol.
3) No meetings without another spouse present.
4) No long phone calls or texting.
5) If you find yourself having communication you would be uncomfortable explaining to your spouse, or theirs, that is a red-flag. Same with omitting that contact when talking with spouse.
6) If you do have an exclusive social friendship with the opposite sex, you are implicitly giving your own spouse permission to “meet for drinks” with a person of the opposite sex. Would it matter to you? What if that friend was younger, cuter, made more money than you, played tennis better than you?
One thing I (and my spouse) both know is that if we meet up with a friend of the same sex, there will be zero chance of somebody getting blown or fingerbanged.
Not saying I agree or disagree, but this made me LOL.
It’s almost 2015 JayCeezy! Men are allowed to hang out with women over copious amounts of Hennesey and not have to feel ashamed.
What matters is who he or she comes home to at the end of the day, is it not?
Hahahaaa! FS, you are right, it is 2015 and perhaps my attitude would fit in better in the times of “Sense & Sensibility.” And, you were in a GROUP when this question was posed to you. Much different context, when a personal question is posed intimately or publicly. In that case, have another round!:-) The fact that this person would voice the question in the first place is a big “tell”, though.
A thought this post gave me, was that guys just want to come home and be treated kindly, be appreciated, and not regarded as a “human-wallet.” Women want to be respected, have their opinions and concerns heard, and not feel like they are constantly being measured. If either one spends significant time “getting out of the house”, there is a problem in that house.
One predictor for a man cheating is his willingness to spend money. The more parsimonious, the more faithful. The more profligate, the more likely to stray. My thought is that this is not based on income, as much as it is “what do I have at stake?” Divorce statistics come in around 50% overall, but (like income) there are outliers that skew the figure. The greatest chance for divorce is in the first two years (14%). Those previously divorced have a much larger chance of divorcing again.
As for the UC Berkeley studies, please take them with a grain of salt. It smells like it was “outcome-based”, who would think to do the study in the first place? I have been involved in several of those ‘university research studies’ and they are great examples of GIGO. For myself, I would never disrespect my wife. We are truly the only ones who have each other’s backs.
I like this theory! “One predictor for a man cheating is his willingness to spend money. The more parsimonious, the more faithful. The more profligate, the more likely to stray.”
You could be right. And that’s why I enjoy talking about relationships and money. There’s always something to think about, and always something to improve upon with relationships and money. But improving upon money is easier, b/c it is just a money count. Relationships, harder to assess, but the most rewarding of the two.
“Only men need to be loved, sweetheart. Women need to be wanted.” – Gemma Teller, Sons Of Anarchy
I was introduced to a couple last year that’s close friends with one of mine. They are quite a pair and do way too much PDA. Anyway, the husband, who was her fiance at the time, makes good money and works a steady job. The wife on the other hand has never worked a day in her life and has no interest in working whatsoever. However, she has no qualms spending thousands of his money every week on designer clothes, makeup, salon appointments, paying for her friends, etc. Her response to her girlfriends whenever any type of spending related matter comes up is, “oh Chris will pay for it” even if she hasn’t discussed it with him. Hmm
She also didn’t bat an eye when she planned a six figure destination wedding that “required” her to fly out three times during their engagement period to talk to vendors and work on the arrangements. It seems like they are happy now because they’re always all over each other, but I have to wonder how long the husband be able to take her spending all of his money so casually as if it’s never going to run out. She certainly doesn’t meet any of your three items above. So even though I wish them the best, I have my doubts of the long term stability and happiness of their relationship.
Every couple is different though. But my advice for any woman who’s in a serious relationship is always have a plan B to fall back on if things don’t work out with your partner. One of my favorite lines from the Wear Sunscreen speech is:
“Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.”
Perhaps he likes that she is willing to take a second rank role in the relationship. Some men, not all, may derive a feeling of importance if they can spend lavishly on their fiance/wife/her friends.
Funny how the sunscreen song gives such advice. Very true!
I don’t see your friend’s relationship lasting. Beauty fades and guys lose interest. There has to be substance and independence.
Indeed. Any wise person would tell you that.
I love this article as there is some real honesty in it! A man with money is more likely to be an alpha in nature and lead his life, which could lead to more female options for sure! There are a lot of other factors in attraction and relationships besides $$$, but there is a correlation.
As for advice to any women in any relationship I would say that they should not lose sight of the fact that physical attraction is a top contributor for any mans attention. It’s is so un PC to say this in a feministic culture, but ladies you need to take care of yourself, look good, and take care of your man sexually if you want him to stay with you. This is the giant gorilla in the room that is ignored frequently…don’t ignore it or if your husband sees other options he is more likely to stray…
Nah, all I want is a woman with personality and who can make me laugh :)
The sign of a mature man.
Um, what? In what country do women look better than men? America, really?
Yes
This blanket statement comes across as just a ploy to get a reaction or to get the agreement nod from women. It’s akin to saying something similar to “there are so much more smarter women than men”. I believe majority of people would agree that there are equal percentage of good looking, average, and unattractive looking people of both genders in any society.
Don’t think so. It is scientifically proven that women are more attractive than men due to estrogen.
And male peacocks look better than female peacocks. Evolution, my friend.
Every country on Earth.
You are going to catch hell on this one, Sam. More stereotypes in this post than Carter has little liver pills.
Male or female, rich or poor, the best way of finding a person with whom you are likely to have a long and happy marriage is to look at the family. Are the parents happily married? Do you want your marriage to emulate theirs? Is there a happy, loving family-oriented environment in their home? Are the siblings married and still together?
Divorce, adultery, and unhappy relationships in the family of the potential spouse mean there is a lot of history to overcome to make your relationship work. You might be able to overcome the odds, but you will have an easier time with a partner from a stable family.
True that
Eh? Don’t think I’ll catch hell for trying to help my female friend and probably thousands of other women who are wondering the same thing. Based on the number of tweets so far in the first half of the day (100), people are interested about the topic!
Good advice on stable families though.
One of the great benefits of income equality between women and men is exactly what you discuss in this post. With more women earning the same or more, there’s an even greater mutual respect between the two, which allows for a stronger and healthier relationship.
I hope readers see the truth in your advice. So much of a healthy relationship is having mutual admiration for each other’s work.
I’m pumped about gender income equality too. Because lots of female colleagues now work from home, I don’t feel bad working from home anymore, and neither do many of my other male friends. It’s a win for sure!
This is why I’m so particular about who I date. Who I date leads to who I’ll marry. The woman I marry better be AMAZING so I don’t think one day “…I could do better…” and then try to make ‘better’ happen.
The trick is to be picky, but not too picky, otherwise folks end up single and sad and alone! Life is so much better with someone to spend it with.
You are setting your expectation way too high. I’m sure someone is tired of sleeping with Scarlett Johansson. Even the most amazing woman will not be very amazing after 15 years. It’s better to have someone you are really comfortable with and can share your journey through the ups and down.
Joe, does your wife know that your ideal woman is Scarlett Johansson and that you think about her all the time?!
Better tell your wife she is still amazing after 15 years! Blogger to blogger man tip!
I think both a man and woman can lower the chances of cheating by not settling into the relationship too much. Don’t take your spouse for granted, and try to keep things interesting – hobbies, activities, travel, and sexually. After several years with someone, this takes thought and effort. But people reading this site seem to have the capacity for effort.
Also I wonder if money causes those personality traits you mention, or money & those traits are just correlated. Maybe a little of both.
I think money tends to push people towards arrogance and nefariousness, at the margin. The UCA Berkeley study demonstrates this.
I’ve caught myself grumbling about stuff I wouldn’t have grumbled about in the past. But maybe it’s because I’m just older and time is more valuable.
Wow Sam!
That’s an interesting comment. If you don’t mind; I would like to hear more depth in regards to your thinking here?