Why Do Women Go Out With Deadbeat Losers?

doggieMen are dogs. If you give us an inch, we’ll take a mile.  But, if you put us on a leash, we’ll gnaw it off and go even more crazy once we’re free.  There’s a fine balance between loving your man and smothering your man.

Young and Thrifty wrote an entertaining post entitled, “When Being Generous Doesn’t Pay Off“, where she chronicles her deadbeat ex-boyfriend’s expectations of always assuming she will pay for everything.  She reveals that he was a high school drop out who never held a steady job. Y&T is clearly an intelligent  and kind woman who has since found someone much better.

Which begs the question: With a male world population of 3+ billion, why on earth would any woman ever settle for a deadbeat loser?

THE REASONS WHY WOMEN GO OUT WITH DEADBEATS

Settling for a deadbeat loser is like settling for a job you hate. There are way too many people who hate their jobs and keep on doing them, just like there are way too many women who settle for men who treat them poorly.  What is it about non-ideal situations which makes us keep carrying on, doing nothing to change?

My theory is that in the beginning, most women don’t know the guy is a deadbeat loser. He probably is reasonably attractive and tells a good story about his current situation and his ambitions. Obviously, he will be on his best behavior during the wooing process. It might take one week, or it might take many months, but until a consummation is made, guys can be very charming! By the time a woman hooks up with the guy, only afterward will she see his true colors.

Her “oh, shit” moment comes at a time after she’s given everything to him. As we are generally all optimists, a woman believes she can salvage the relationship and change him for the better. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tries, she can’t teach a gorilla how to put down the toilet seat, pay for dinner, and write her sweet notes of nothing. It’s too late, and eventually, the relationship fades.  In retrospect, every woman who has gone out with a deadbeat loser realizes the case. “I don’t know what I was thinking“, is a phrase that always comes up.

WHAT’S IN OUR HEADS

* We don’t believe we are worthy. Above all else, I believe that the reason why we settle for someone suboptimal is because we believe we aren’t deserving of more.  This is utterly disappointing and ludicrous.  You don’t deserve to be mistreated or taken advantage of ever!  You deserve to have someone love you back as much as you love them.  Those who ask for promotions get promotions.

* We’re afraid to be alone. Life isn’t worth living if there’s nobody special to share it with.  I’d rather be a median waged person with a loved one than be a lonely billionaire in the long run.  It’s irrational to think that you will die alone given the population of the world today.  Every day, we have the opportunity to meet a hundred people if we want to.  It just takes initiative.

* We think we can teach a dog how to speak. If there are five “must haves” such as humor, compassion, motivation, spontaneous, cultured and he has three out of five, the temptation is to settle.  Perhaps over time, you believe he’ll be able to develop the other two must haves and be that ideal guy.  You’ll be able to change him for the better, which is hardly ever the case.  The problem with this thought process is that he might actually lose one of the three must haves, and then you’re really going to feel bitter for wasting your precious youth on him!

* We’re afraid to get hurt. If we never try meeting other people, we will never get rejected.  It’s truly disheartening when someone else doesn’t show you the same interest as you’ve shown them. Guys get rejected left and right because for some reason, society has told us we always have to initiate. Rejection doesn’t get that much easier to deal with after a while.  Instead, we settle for what we have or just being a lone. That’s sad, because time isn’t on our side. The older women get, the smaller the pool since women refuse to be with men younger than them, whereas it’s everything goes for guys!

* We’re losers ourselves! I never thought about this until readers kept on mentioning that deadbeat women tend to go out with deadbeat men. Society always sees men as losers, and women as misguided. I guess there is equality for all, after all!

“ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE ALWAYS ALREADY TAKEN”

One of the best excuses women tell me for not wanting to be with an attractive guy who has all she wants is that she’s afraid she won’t be able to hang on to him. She’s afraid other women will be all over him, while she’s also afraid as she grows older, he’ll stop wanting to be with her.

This type of reasoning is very hard for men to understand because guys think they might as well be with the hottest and nicest woman possible in her prime, and lose her later than have someone less appealing.  Guys also love it when their woman gets all the attention from other guys. I guess it’s because guys ignorantly believe their women will never cheat on them. Of course, we all know women cheat on men as much as men cheat on women.

YOU DESERVE IT

Because there are likely millions of people who wish they had better, you have really no fear of never finding someone you’re compatible with. Online dating sights have increased your probabilities 10 fold because by just several clicks of a button, you can search for that compatible someone.  Compare the scope now vs. 20 years ago.  It’s night and day!

Settling is such a weak thing to do. It screams of insecurity. You have a right to be happy because someone out there will truly value who you really are!

Updated as of 10/22/2013

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Regards,

Sam

Sam started Financial Samurai in 2009 during the depths of the financial crisis as a way to make sense of chaos. After 13 years working on Wall Street, Sam decided to retire in 2012 to utilize everything he learned in business school to focus on online entrepreneurship.

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Comments

  1. Victoria says

    I just want to voice another view of this debate. Some women like losers because they like to be in control. It is not the loser “using them for sex” as stated above, but the other way around. Not all women have bad self esteem or are trying to fix a man. Why is it that a man can date any loserish woman he wants yet no one posts about that? Yet if a woman chooses to sleep with a man with little life ambition but a great body, then all of a sudden she “can’t let go” and “has a mommy complex”. It’s a double standard. If men can use women for sex then I (a woman) can do the same too!

  2. Stacia says

    I know I am really late replying to this, but as a female who was engaged to a deadbeat, I feel the need to comment.

    I met Mr X on a music video set that I was a makeup artist for. At the time he seemed like everything I at 22 (albeit a very young 22) wanted. He worked full time, liked music, and was a Goth. I didn’t feel superior to him due to his lack of education or work (I had qualifications and completed secondary school, he dropped out), and I did not feel the need to ‘change’ him. I encouraged him to pursue his talent in art however, and remember telling him that working in a chafe at minimum wage was only fine if he intended on becoming the worlds best barrista, or it was his passion. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with Mr X and he was originally very emotionally supportive. Problems arose when we both went back to study. He refused to get a job, and mooched which resulted in us (me) going to in to NZD25k of debt. Not an ideal situation. Eventually I realised that at 32 his ways were essentially set in stone. He was happy living off of the student benefit, spending everything on alcohol and partying, not focussing on a school and failing. So I left. I knew I could not change him, and other than general support and encouragement partners give, never did. I am very self confidant, but didn’t look down on him. I guess it came down to being young and stupid and wanting a goth boyfriend.
    I am now 27, and am still dealing with the consequences of being with a deadbeat. My studies have gone on hold as I put paying back debt at upmost importance (most came from him not paying rent in favor of partying and getting tattoos) and have nearly payed off everything working a job I hate. I can’t believe how stupid I was, but it taught me incredible life lessons and has given me rocket fuel to try a succeed in the future, despite being 3 steps backwards.

    Sorry for the essay. I have dyspraxia so hope I expressed my view clearly.

    • says

      Thanks for sharing Stacia.

      It’s common to look back at our younger selves and ask what were we thinking.

      Also, I wonder if simple horniness plays a roll when we are young, overriding rationality.

  3. Very Serious says

    with so many very High Maintenance women that are out there today, they are the ones that are very horrible to meet because they really think they are all that. most of these type of women are looking for a man with a very large bank account, and just can’t accept many of us men for who we are. I would certainly say that they are really the Big Losers. very obvious why many of us men can’t meet a decent woman anymore, and we’re Not To Blame.

  4. wondering???? says

    I see this girl I know,
    shes a letter carrier,and is attractive. shes ben thru two divorces and now i see her with a scroungy guy thats unkept and no personality,and an attitude,
    she says hi to me in the market, but shes with him and and i can tell that he’s bad fron no talking and scroungy looks’
    what is wrong with this woman anyway.
    Im so tired of these woman around here that settle for low life’s,

  5. Yackeline says

    Yeah this article sounds 100% Legit! I feel bad for a lot of these girls, especially the ones that have to have my leftovers, my ex is a dead beat daddy, cower, fake, pedophile, mentally slow, loser. I mean this guy blackmailed me to stay by his side and threaten to kill himself if I left him (he has scars in his arms for me to blackmail me), he even got me pregnant on purpose to wrap me around his finger (I know this is personal but he never let me know when he did “you know”), when he had me there and I needed him, he cheated “he didn’t think I would find out”. I love our child but wow!… I feel so bad our baby has to have such poor excuse of a man for a father.

    I would never date a dead beat father! I think so low of men who don’t take care of their own child, PEOPLE you can ever trust that type of men if they do that to their own blood and flesh imagine what they would do to you. They just want to get laid and have fun also have some help with the bills (if they are loser without any higher education).

    FOR girls who date dead beats; It is so true that dead beat fathers make up a lot of lies and make their child’s mother sound like the bad guy, like they are crazy, and they say that they don’t let them see their kids. When really this is all a way to cover up for the scum bags and loser that they are. Ugh makes me sick!

    • mc says

      females won’t come out and say it but for some of them, it’s unfortunate, it may well be that the loser is what they want or their insecure…..

  6. Eric says

    People go out with “losers” because they don’t need to hold themselves accountable. Their own less than decent behavior is thereby justified. Being with a good person removes your own justification for being selfish. The dead beat loser won’t dump you for joining them in the gutter.

    Also, girls who only like bad boys are full of it. Real bad guys don’t want you to know they’re bad, see … they’re up to something …. usually for $$$. They’re looking to keep a low profile & stay out of jail. Like good men (not nice guys) they are busy.
    Some real outlaws do embody being a bad boy, like real bikers. They don’t have time for a girls BS either. Their reputation precedes them.

    The rebel they like is really a show off willing to play a girls silly games, they also are the type to attract the attention of the police, ending up in jail & doing the whole rebel image thing. The girls who like bad guys don’t even know who the real bad guys are. They just want some attention. They deserve each other.

  7. Johnny Lahmon says

    Men are dogs ? No, we’re not. This website is so misandrist, it’s ridicules. This is oppressive to men.

    • bongstar420 says

      Men’s behavior is the result of female selection pressures over millenia. Most women will only have sex with men who behave certain ways and most of those behaviors are correlated with Testosterone levels. It just so happens that those behaviors are are also correlated with a host of other behaviors that make actual relationships impossible.

  8. a1rh3ad says

    I lived with a deadbeat pothead woman for 8 years. I loved her so much because she was intelligent, witty, and had a passion for many of the things I liked. The only problem was that she was extremely lazy and never applied herself. She expected me to do everything. She never offered any emotional support and ended up being more of a roommate than a lover, and a bad roommate at that. She would sit around and play MMOs constantly and not want to do anything else. I tried to play with her but I didn’t have the time to spare and when I did I was too mentally fatigued from work so I would sit with her and ask questions about the game. I showed interest in it and would congratulate her accomplishments. She then started acting like she didnt want me around. I noticed her hiding conversations from me. She was becoming friends with her guildmate and they talked on Skype every day. I figured there was no harm in it because he lived all the way in Sweden. I was wrong. I caught them havung Skype sex one night. She revealed to me her plan to move to Sweden with him abd they would meet on Valentines day. I felt so bad. I’m now in a relationship with my highschool sweetheart. She treats me well and is more responsible but she’s not quite as smart. Her treating me better makes me happy but I still feel like something is missing. I like a woman who I can debate politics or philosophy with, not someone who debates about what happens on Real Housewives. She treats me better though, so im happy in this relationship. I can keep the philosophical debates for my friends.

    • bongstar420 says

      She sounds really feminine to me. Though, maybe you should encourage her to do what you have specified was the probable outcome. If she is so smart, why doesn’t she realize that her replacement “relationship” is totally untenable? How many “relationships” that start out like hers actually succeed-very few.

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