Much has been written about the high cost of having kids. Spending $300,000 – $1,000,000 per kid through high school is a lot of money. However, less has been written about how having kids may make you richer and a better person. Let's change the dialogue with this article now that I've been a stay-at-home-father of two for five years.
If I could rewind time to when I was 25 years old, I'd slap myself silly for focusing so much on my career. The future me would tell my past self to put more effort into my relationship and start a family by age 35 at the latest.
I had my first kid two months before my 40th birthday in 2017. Although I felt like I had snuck in through the backdoor by being able to say I had kids in my 30s, I really started five years too late.
Up to age 32, my main focus was making money and climbing the corporate ladder. For the next two years, my focus was on figuring out how to escape the rate race.
Once I broke out, for the next five years, my main focus was on making sure I survived without a job. The whole idea of adding another human being into my newly free, but precarious life wasn't a priority.
But if you're thinking about having kids, I encourage you to have them sooner, rather than later. There is no greater love than you will have for your children. And it is impossible to know such love until you have them.
How Having Kids Can Change You For The Better
If you don't have kids for whatever reason, all good. I was in the gray zone forever where I could not decide. This article is mainly for those who are considering having children or who are currently parents.
There is no doubt that having children puts a strain on your relationship, finances, and career. The first six months of a baby's life is especially brutal for first-time parents mainly due to a lack of sleep and plenty of worries. Your child may have a health issue or a disability that may make you fear the worst. You just never know.
However, over time, the positives far outweigh the negatives. As a perpetual optimist, let me share with you the reasons why having kids can make you richer and an overall better person.
1) Having kids will increase your WILL to survive and thrive.
During the 4th trimester, mothers turn into superwomen, feeding their babies every 1-3 hours 24/7. Frequent feedings are a must, otherwise, your baby will suffer. Without something so precious to care for, it's impossible to operate on this little sleep for such an extended period of time. But as a parent you will do it out of love.
Fathers can do their best to keep up by providing alternative sleep schedules to ensure the baby is fed, changed, and safe. For example, during the peaceful morning hours while both mother and baby are asleep, fathers can stand guard. Bottles and laundry can be washed. Food can be prepared. And the baby can be soothed and carried to the mother when it's feeding time.
Once a parent gets through the first six months of a baby's life, almost any difficult challenge in the future will no longer seem as daunting. As a result, a parent's work productivity goes way up once their parental leave is over. Going back to work can often feel like a vacation from parenthood.
If you've been finding it harder and harder to get out of bed each morning, having kids will push you to do better. There is no greater motivator than having someone to live for.
Once my daughter was born in 2019, I knew my wife and I would have less free time. Therefore, I started getting up around 4 a.m. regularly to write. At first, it felt painful waking up bleary-eyed. However, it had to be done for the sake of our family and what I wanted to accomplish on Financial Samurai.
When you want to give up, just the thought of disappointing your kids will give you the energy to keep on going.
2) Having kids will likely make you richer.
There's a great saying, “Have children and the money will come.” The reason why is because we are hardwired to do everything possible to take care of our family once we become parents.
Sure, roughly 34% of children grow up in single-parent households. But that doesn't mean the single parent isn't doing everything possible to earn and provide. The best worker might very well be the single parent because there is no other alternative. Further, the data also means 66% of parents stick together.
When you have kids, you will be more motivated to make more money to survive. Therefore, you will be willing to work longer hours and take more calculated risks. Further, you'll spend more time learning about personal finance and investing. As a result, you'll likely save and invest more so you can eventually stop having to work so much.
Unfortunately, all this focus on making more money can often come at the cost of spending less time with our children. As a result, there's this constant battle between work and family. Figuring out how to balance both is the hardest challenge.
Even if we know we have enough money to never starve, having children makes us want to create an even bigger buffer from financial disaster. It's easier to fail and start over when you're single. But failing with kids is terrifying. So we do everything we can to make sure we don't.
Renewed desire to make money
One of the main reasons why I left a high-paying job in 2012 was because I no longer cared about making lots of money. If I did, I'd still be working!
However, once my son was born in 2017, the money dragon within me awoke. I started planning for rising health care costs, future preschool tuition, diapers, clothes, college, etc. As a result, I told myself I needed to make an extra $5,000 a month. I hadn't withdrawn a dollar of retirement funds since 2012 and I wasn't going to start withdrawing given my optimistic economic outlook at the time.
Within a couple of months, I had figured it out rather easily. I switched ad platforms, drove for Uber, entertained more business partnerships, provided 1X1 personal finance consulting, and taught tennis privately and for a high school. I now had a reason to earn more. And you know what? It felt great.
Once you have kids, you will unlock potential money-making endeavors you had never thought of before.
Your nesting instincts will go up
Another way having kids will likely make you more money is due to your increased desire to buy a home. The desire to rent goes down once you have kids given you want more living stability. The last thing you want is for your landlord to hike your rent or ask you to leave during the first years of your child's life.
As a result, you start aggressively saving and investing for a down payment. Even the most anti-homeownership people soften up once they have kids. Once you buy your primary residence responsibly, you are then neutral real estate. Shorting the housing market by renting long-term is a suboptimal financial move.
Five to ten years will go by and you will have more home equity than you anticipated. The combination of rising home prices and paying down principal will sneak up on you because you're too busy raising your children. Forced savings ends up being a great thing for the average homeowner.
You will invest more responsibly
Having kids will also make you care a lot more about your investments. Not only will you stay on top of all your investments you'll frequently review your asset allocation. As a result, you'll invest in a more risk-appropriate manner.
Instead of trading for short-term wins, you'll tend to elongate your investing time horizon. The more you can invest for the long term, the better your returns tend to be.
3) Having kids will eventually get you in better shape.
You may not get in better shape the first year or two of your child's life given all the time and stress that is required to care for young children. However, as your children grow older and you become more confident as a parent, you'll have more time for yourself again. And with more free time back, you will spend more time eating better and exercising more.
As a logical person, you will eventually get in better shape because you want to increase your chances of living as long as possible. Your ultimate goal is to live long enough until your kids become mature and financially independent adults. After that, your job is done!
Therefore, you will find a way to get fit for the first 25 years of your children's lives. After they are independent adults, then you are free to let yourself go. But by then, your habits of healthy eating and exercise will likely be a part of your daily routine forever.
Tough first year for health
During the first year of my son's life, my lower back pain returned. Further, I gained about five pounds. As a first-time father, I spent a lot of time researching and worrying about my son's vision, along with everything else.
But after he turned two, I worried less and became more confident as a father. As a result, my lower back pain went away and I lost the five pounds I had gained.
In addition to reverting back to normal health, I also found a way to get an affordable life insurance policy for the next 20 years. Once my daughter was born at the end of 2019, I had to figure out a solution. Where there's a reason, there's a way!
Today, it's easier to say no to cronuts and key lime pie. OK, just one bite please.
4) You will become a more level-headed person.
Society can be unkind, especially with the internet. People will randomly hate on you for your sex, race, religion, political beliefs, sexual orientation, you name it. There will be Twitter mobs who try and gang up on you because you said something they don't like. As a result, for your mental health, you should probably spend less time on social media.
But we all get into fights sometimes because we're human. We all have jealousy, envy, and pride. When we are attacked, we either fight back or run away. Sticking up for yourself is the honorable thing to do. But it can also have repercussions.
If you're someone like me who doesn't back down when attacked, having kids will help you let things go more easily.
Often better to walk away
In the 6th grade, a bully randomly grabbed my basketball and kicked it across the court. He had been a troublemaker all school year. When I asked him to get my ball and he refused, I punched him in the right ear. Supposedly I burst his eardrum. He cried and had to go see the nurse.
One popular girl who liked him found out about his injury. When she saw me in the hallway, she kicked my bag and cursed at me. Then she told her friends what a meanie I was and my popularity declined. As a 6th grader, that stunk. But I wasn't going to let anybody pick on me.
Altercations happen with adults all the time too. Online, if you try to fight fire with fire, you may end up getting shunned by the antagonist's online community, even though your antagonist started it. If you try to fight back against a workplace bully, you might get blackballed from getting a promotion because he has powerful friends.
When you have children, you've got more at stake. Since your goal is to live until they become independent adults, you should try to keep altercations to a minimum. Not only is getting into fights exhausting, but it can also be dangerous.
For example, if you flick someone off because they cut you off on the road, you might end up regretting your action because they might have a gun. Instead, you keep your hands on the wheel and mutter obscenities. You also don't want to go to jail because you'll embarrass your family.
5) Having kids will make you more empathetic
As a parent, you see the innocence in people before they're corrupted. Therefore, you believe everyone is precious and deserves respect. As a parent, your empathy for all types of people tends to go up.
When interacting with rough characters, you also realize that something must have gone wrong between the stage of innocence and adulthood. Maybe it was an abusive parent or a father who was never home. Not receiving the love you want as a child is tough. Therefore, you give the people who dislike you more chances. Or you more easily ignore them.
Empathy and understanding also creates positive action. Let's say you don't believe there's equal opportunity for women at your company. If you have a daughter, you will be much more cognizant of the imbalances between men and women. As a result, you may hire more women, mentor more women, or promote more women.
In fact, I just realized the majority of online bullies I've encountered don't have kids. Perhaps it's a coincidence or maybe they're younger and struggling more financially. But the parents I've encountered tend to be more nurturing. We deal with so many temper tantrums at home, the last thing we want to do is argue with others.
6) Having kids will expand your network
Not only will you connect with more parents, you will also make new friends with other parents from your child's school. Your new relationships might get so good that your families might start vacationing together.
If your children end up going to different schools, you will be able to increase your network even further. As a result, you might receive more professional opportunities as well. Further, you might gain more support for your own entrepreneurial or creative endeavors.
Most People Will Become Better After Having Kids
Having kids is both selfish and selfless.
It's selfish because there are already so many kids in the world who need a loving home. We have kids for our own desires. Why not adopt or foster them instead of having so many kids ourselves?
Having kids is also selfless because parents give up so much time, energy, and money with little expectations. Being a parent is a thankless job that needs no thanking because most of the time, it was our decision.
Everybody knows raising kids can cost a fortune. Kids will sometimes strain your marriage and drive you bonkers. Kids will also do bad things that will bring dishonor to your family. But you'll love them anyway.
Overall, I say having kids will make you a better person. You'll develop a lot more patience and endurance. You'll also be kinder to others. In the end, you will probably make a lot more money as well. When you have the best reason to earn, you will.
Related post: The Ideal Age To Have A Baby Based On Economics And Biology
Readers, how has having kids changed you? What are some other positives from having kids? What are some negatives?
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I’m assuming that’s your son, adorable little fellow. Thanks for sharing your financial wisdom
Sure, if Mother Nature will allow you to have children.
Well done Sir. This is one of your best posts and I’ve been reading your stuff for at least 8 years.
Why is it so good? First of all, it’s contrary to what we’re being told by our media and institutions on a daily basis. Whether they say it directly or indirectly, over the past 30 years (and still today) the message has been that having kids is a net negative for society. Secondly, it’s very solid financial advice for young people who want to work hard, amass wealth and pursue what makes them happy…to have kids.
You hit on all the right reasons why having kids are a huge net positive for a family and for society. As a musician in the film industry, I never thought I would find anything more amazing and creative than seeing a song or music I wrote appear in the mass media…until my wife had my first daughter. Her birth was by far our most amazing and creative creation – a true miracle by any definition of the word. No artistic, financial or emotional endeavor comes close to matching the joy of seeing that baby for the first time.
I know being a parent is not for everyone, but for the right family kids are a gift that never ends.
And as you wrote in the post, it changed everything about everything financial almost overnight. Suddenly all our bad habits ended and we had good reasons to save, to invest, to think about the future that had been part DGAF and part YOLO.
I would also argue that having the right life partner, for me, was just as important as having kids to give me the emotional/motivational boost I needed to attain (and keep) a mid 7 figure portfolio.
I know a lot of young adults (like I did) go thru a self absorbed, narcissistic phase and having kids doesn’t fit into that, however when the time is right, that new family member will do more to increase your ability to create wealth for yourself than any mutual fund or IRA.
Thanks for your comment!
“ having kids is a net negative for society”
I haven’t noticed an overwhelming amount of this to notice. More about the cost of kids delaying household formation.
If you have some examples, please let me know!
It is true that one can never fully understand what having a kid feels like until after having one.
Here is a good short video I was reminded of regarding kids: https://youtu.be/-qqDIqlGUFE
I can never get over people quoting 300k to 1.5 million expense per kid. Not sure what planet those people are living on. So with three kids, I will need to spend $4.5 Million to raise them? That number is for the top 0.1%. Lets take the 300k number so I will to spend close to $1 million ? I must be living on a different planet then.
You could be if you fail to see that living expenses are different around the country. Where did you get $1.5 million btw? I haven’t seen that one yet.
There are obvious cost-saving synergies when you have more than one kid, hence why there is a range as well.
Go through your kid budget and see how much you spend a year. I’m sure the figure will be more than you think. People consistently underestimate their budget and expenses, which is one of the main reasons why there are a lot of personal finance problems in our country.
Related post:
Private Or Public School? Maybe Your Kid Would Rather Have $1 million
You’re right to be suspicious. Those numbers are mostly lies by the media to get clicks on dumb stories – side note: the financial media in the USA is perhaps the dumbest and least honest of all media beats. Whatever they say, do the opposite and you’ll be fine.
Back to your excellent point – I live in what is described as one of the top 3 most expensive cities in the US and I moved from one of the top 10 cheapest cities in the US. How did this move change our finances? The answer: barely. The only expense that was exponentially higher was real estate. Food, clothing, entertainment, utilities, etc etc were either a few points higher or in some cases like food and big ticket purchases LOWER than a smaller city. Why lower? Because there is so much more competition for certain items that you can always find it cheaper. Same with food, same with clothes etc etc. Now if you want to live it up and spend $2,000 on a meal at a fancy restaurant, then there are plenty to choose from, but those restaurants exist everywhere.
The point is we raised our kids on average salaries and lived normal lives. Frugal at times yes, but that is not a “struggle” to survive, that’s just making choices and trying a little harder to be be financially smart.
BTW take informal surveys of your friends and acquaintances – I wager that NONE of them have to spend anywhere near 300k or (LMFAO) $1,000,000 to raise 5 kids much less 1.
I am 58 years now. I have not known anyone who decided to not having kids and not regretted in their 40s. As you grow older, your relationship with spouse becomes monotonous and kids provide a welcome addition.
You do now and I’m almost your age. Never cared to have any, but it took awhile to find a wife who agreed.
Great article! By the time my first child was born (32 years old) I had almost everything – a running business, money and plenty of time. But what I had a problem with was that I started to lose motivation and get bored. When my first child was born, those problems subsided. After the second child was born, I have absolutely no time for boredom and my motivation is back to 110% :-)
Kids are great, we raised three of them. But in my opinion getting them grown and out on their own is even better. Add retirement to that and we are truly free of the responsibility of taking care of dependent kids and have the time and money to do whatever we want without all the planning and coordination kids require. It was a fun thing to do, but if you do life right it gets even better after they leave the nest. Which is another reason to have them fairy early, so that you have more empty nest years without work.
What do you think about having kids later, but spending lots of time with them because you’re financially independent and don’t have to work?
Supposedly, 80% of the time your kids will ever spend with their parents is during their first 18 years.
I’m assuming that’s your boy!? What a handsome lad and an A+ photo.
Been reading you since ‘09 and haven’t commented until now.
Being a dad is the best job I’ve ever had. We’ve got 3 little boys (3.5/2/1) and I’ve been pulling the rigging tight as this old boat can bear.
And Sam- Keep up the great work. As a father and an author!
America is a great place to be. Started at -$10k and knew deep down I could notch it up on high. Beyond all skills I hope to reach to my children, it is that of unrelenting work ethic and passion for worthy projects.
My three siblings have kids and we do not. I noticed that my siblings started to plan more family get togethers once they had kids. I think it’s because they want their kids to know that they are loved by so many even if we all live hours apart. It’s been great to spend more time together in person.
Yes, for sure family get-togethers are more common. More love and support, the better!
Here’s a downside. Ever since we had kids, I’m no longer a priority in my wife’s eyes. It’s always the kids first and second, and me third. It’s fine to be third most of the time, given kids need lots of attention. But not ALL the time.
Even though I work very hard, and spend many hours a day raising our children as well so she can stay at home and not have to need a day job, it’s not enough or appreciated.
It’s been 4.5 years now and it’s getting worse. I need to get of the house and go back to the office. Need an escape. I want to find someone else who cares for my work and myself sometimes.
Sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time. You are smack dab in the thick of it right now with small kids. It is beyond exhausting for both parents at this stage.
You’re busting your ass with work and making sure the bills get paid and she’s busting her ass wiping the kids’ at both ends, trying not to lose her mind from all the crying, making sure they don’t put marbles up their nose, breaking up fights and tantrums, being followed everywhere, etc. It’s mentally and physically draining for both of you.
And then of course COVID has made things so much harder these last few years for everyone. Parents everywhere are all burnt out, myself included.
BUT it does get better and the sacrifices you’re all making now are worth it. You and your wife need each other’s strengths to get through these tough years. Small kids need so much attention it’s insane even when they are playing by themselves. You really can’t trust them to be alone for more than a few seconds. And once they start talking they won’t stop especially if you’re not paying attention to them. Whenever it’s quiet – better watch out because they’re probably into something they’re not supposed to.
Take a deep breath and trust me that before you know it your kids will be playing independently without killing themselves and you and your wife will have more time for each other again. And one day you’ll wake up and your kids will just want to be on their phones all the time or with their friends, and you and your wife will wonder if they’re even in the house sometimes.
Parenting gets harder in different ways as kids age, but what you’re feeling now WILL get better. You just gotta be patient and talk to each other about what you’re both going through. Motherhood and fatherhood are so hard in many different ways, but if you stick together you can get through anything. And your kids will thank you even if they don’t actually say it. Hang in there my friend!
Thank you for your words of encouragement! I picked up my son from school and we spent 2.5 hours together playing so I could give my wife some rest. Then I ordered some food and fed my daughter and son.
It was a long day after – working since 6:30 am.
Just hard to shake the feeling I’m not doing enough as my wife always seems exhausted. I don’t know how other stay at home parents who don’t have a stay at home spouse providing childcare does it. iPad childcare all day?
I’ll continue to do my best as she is too. We’ll hire more help as well and pray things get better.
Went to bed by 8pm last night to make the pain and sadness go away. It worked as I had pleasant dreams.
As a parent with 3 grown daughters, you only get them for about 10 years- and then to Mama Jones’ point- they’re off! But I still would work at your marriage first because if there is not a healthy marriage, there is not a healthy family structure. We have all put our kids’ first way too much and that’s a problem I think for marriages. I’ve seen it. Talk to your wife about it now or a counselor- you sound so sad.
Thanks for bringing up an issue that I think is felt by many other parents and not just you. One thought that you may wish to bring up with your spouse: it is a great service to the kids in the long run for parents to demonstrate what a healthy relationship between adults looks like by showing them how adults value and prioritize each other. The kids might just have a better chance of having healthy relationships with their partners if they see their parents having a healthy relationship.
I feel you. No longer being a priority is a tough pill to swallow. We have to keep on reminding ourselves that we’ve got to do the best for our kids. At the same time, a healthy relationship is also key to raising children.
I often don’t feel like I do enough and it sometimes drives me nuts. It’s worth having more “me time.” And also read, The Courage To Be Disliked and the separation of tasks recommendation.
https://www.financialsamurai.com/lessons-from-the-courage-to-be-disliked/
Although I enjoyed the article, you come up with your need to make an additional 5000$ per month
It sounds so easy on paper but extremely difficult for most
The overwhelming majority will not even make an extra 1000$ per month despite working Long hours
All those ‘side hustles’ and ‘passive income’ is not easy
Its called welcome to being a Man.
You should read “Hard Times Create Strong Men” by the late Stefan Aarnio. This book opened by eyes to the realities of what being a man means. We don’t have to always like it, but reality is freeing.
No Hope, I can 100% relate. For myself, It started going downhill after the 1st kid (now 3 yr old) and when the 2nd kid was born (now 4 months old), it became even worse.
I just want to say that you’re not alone in this. I probably still have -5 years to go until my kids can play with each other and independently.
I’m still struggling but I am determined not to lose myself.
Sam, maybe a good idea for a post on how parents can make up time after multiple children.
I know it’s a personal finance blog, but time may be an essential part of financial independence.
I’m trying to figure it out myself.
The first 6 months is the toughest for mother. We fathers need to give that grace period where all is forgiven, but probably 12+ months. Juggling multiple kids is tough! Especially if the kids aren’t good sleepers.
Another great post! Have you relocated to HI yet? I would absolutely love to meet with you in SF before then. I’ve followed your advice over the years, including what you shared on your interview with Invest Like A Boss (part of the reason I finally started writing on my blog, I just published my first post of the New Year). Let’s meet near one of your favorite tennis courts?
Congrats on starting! That’s often the toughest part. Let me know your thoughts on parenthood and children.
I’m back and forth in Honolulu and SF. Maybe you can attend one of my book signing events this year. Cheers
Thanks! In terms of parenthood and children, I can’t speak to that yet :). I have read some research that showed married people tend to do better financially in the long-run (assuming no divorce, of course) and although the cost of children can be high couples with kids tend to have higher overall earnings than those without.
When’s your next book signing in SF? Maybe we can talk shop afterwards, I’ve been advising/writing for some startups, similar to what you did with Personal Capital. I was inspired!
I’m 48 and had my first child. I didn’t imagine it would take me until this stage of life, but I think it has some advantages. I feel like I’m in a good financial position unlike if I was in my early twenties. So I don’t have to worry as much about paying for things my child needs. I do worry about my health and being active so I can keep up with the child as it grows.
Amazing! How old is your partner? It does feel good to have children when one is financially stronger. But as we grow older, the feeling of regret starts creeping up that we did not have kids sooner. At least for me.
It’s a race against time and deteriorating health. You start seeing people in their 40s and 50s pass away regularly. We’ve got to stay healthy and cherish the moment!
She is 42 and we’re trying to have another before we’re both too old. I wish I had kids sooner, but some of that is out of our control. You need to find the right person first and for some I guess like me it takes longer than expected. I didn’t want to have kids with just anyone for the sake of having them.
Having kids really opened my eyes to so many things. Before parenthood there was just so much I didn’t get and couldn’t grasp about the responsibilities that come with raising kids.
I think I’ve definitely become more patient, empathetic, accepting, and understanding after having kids. And also really appreciate the importance of things like health insurance, life insurance, 529s, etc. great article Sam!
I’ve read Financial Samurai now for over ten years and the timing of this article is really an interesting coincidence for me given my wife and I just had our first child yesterday and I’m reading this in the hospital. This quote made so much sense to me “ There is no greater motivator than having someone to live for.” When deciding to have our new little one this sentiment was very much part of the decision for me. I felt like I needed a stronger purpose in life and had always wanted to be a parent but had delayed becoming one because I didn’t know how I’d manage it while also doing my W2 job and continuing to move towards Fat FIRE. I finally reached the decision that I felt financially stable enough to move forward and that I shouldn’t further delay purpose and happiness. After meeting our new little one yesterday I’m so glad I did!
It’s also a bit wild to me how similarly the Ideal Age article linked above matches our lives given that my wife and I are 32, crossed the $1M threshold for net worth recently (living in Midwest of the US), and that I was promoted for the third time in 2021. That article really connected with me too when it was posted.
Thanks for the great content all these year’s Sam. The early articles I read a decade ago helped inspire me to pursue passive income and financial independence. The passive income that came from that inspiration was a huge factor in us feeling comfortable taking this next step in our lives because we’re now at a point that we’ll be OK if I were ever to lose my job. This reduced my stress immensely and allowed me to move forward in my personal life in a very positive way.
Congrats Jon! What a blessing! 32 is really a great age to have your firstborn. The love for a child is unlike any other.
Amazing you’ve been reading Financial Samurai for over 10 years. What a journey it’s been yeah? Part of the reason why I keep writing is because it’s fun to see how readers have evolved over the years.
Best of luck in parenthood!
Good observation on the Twitter mob and internet bullies not having kids! So true. As a parent, you become much more sensitive to people’s feels because you don’t want your own child to get hurt.
As a parent, you really start following the golden rule of treating others how you want you and your children to be treated.
It was an ah-hah moment when writing this article!
As parents, we read so many books about HOW to connect better with toddlers and young children. From cave-man speak, to repeating their frustrations, to walking away to prevent blowup, and more.
Everything we’re learning is about how to develop more patience and empathy for a child. Therefore, how can we not be more empathetic and patient with adults? We will be.