Imagine being 31 and single, not by choice, but by circumstance. You’ve gone through several bad relationships and looked back asking yourself what were you thinking.
There was this one guy you dated who was secretly married – no wonder why you could never go over. Then there was this other person who after two years still wouldn’t commit.
You were sick of waiting around, so you left him, your job, and the city where you both resided to live closer to your parents.
With pressure from your parents and a desire to start a family, you try the internet to find a match. After going on several unsuccessful dates, you finally find this guy with a wonderful resume – a law degree, a $250,000 a year job, a close family, and a good group of friends.
At 37, he wants to start a family too. There’s only one problem. You’re not physically attracted to him. Instead, he feels more like a brother than a lover.
After a year of dating, he finally asks you to marry him. What do you do? You value quality of life and emotional security the most. Sexual chemistry has only failed in the past.
Such is the situation of a FS reader named Mary Jane. She has until the summer when she officially becomes Mrs. MJ.
MARRY THE RESUME OR THE SOUL MATE?
MJ has never met a guy as stable as him. He also has the perfect resume. Every other guy MJ has dated was less accomplished with a lower level of education and financial wealth. After all, less than 5% of households make over $200,000 a year and less than 10% of Americans have a Master’s degree.
If MJ marries him, she’ll live a comfortable life, especially when she adds her $120,000 income to his salary. Some might think what’s wrong with living a fabulous single life with her income until the perfect guy comes along. Sadly, when one bedroom condos rent for $3,000+ and the median single family home in the Bay Area is 10X higher than her income, life is OK, but not fabulous.
MJ is a realist. She realizes most marriages don’t maintain their physical intimacy level over time, so what’s the big deal if she isn’t physically attracted to him to start? There’s only upside! She cherishes friendship and companionship more than anything else.
At the age of 31, MJ also worries her pool of suitors is shrinking because she only wants to date older guys who are more accomplished. As we’ve learned in the Golden Cross Of Love, she is exactly right.
Some believe life is too short to marry someone with no chemistry. Why not just be friends? 31 isn’t that old by any means, especially from the perspective of us older folks.
But what if he’s as good as it gets? What if a guy of this quality never asks her to marry him again? She’s already gone through multiple horrible relationships. She doesn’t want to be alone and she loves attention.
Being with a financially stable person who treats you well isn’t the end of the world, even if everything he does agitates you. There are many cultures where arranged marriages are the norm. “You may not at first love your arrangement, but you’ll grow to love him or her over time,” one of my Indian friends said.
Should MJ marry the resume and live a financially secure life with a lack of chemistry? Or, should MJ continue to wait things out until she finds the perfect man who turns her on and has the financial requirements she expects? $200,000 a year or greater income, the ability to buy a $1.5M or greater home in the San Francisco Bay Area, a good family background, a professional degree, physically fit, 5′ 10″ or taller, and can always give her the love and attention she needs?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below and take the poll.
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
I’m guessing most of you will be romantic idealists and choose to stay single rather than marry someone with a great resume, but with no chemistry. Being practical is so boring. Why not just go for “the one” or nothing, right? Fair enough.
But guess who are the dreamers? Young people who’ve never been scarred! They enter the work force all bright-eyed and think they want to work forever. Then, one day a colleague stabs them in the back or they get hoodwinked by their boss.
If they haven’t been diligently saving since day one, they might wake up like most people and have this “OH SHIT” moment where they’ve got no other option but to work at the job they hate because they don’t have enough money saved.
The same goes with dating. We grow up watching love stories that always have happy endings. But after dating one too many scumbags or disloyal women, we start thinking whether we’ll ever find someone worthy of being our life partners. We become jaded. We question whether someone else’s affection for us is genuine, or a ploy to just toy.
It’s really too bad we can’t know then what we know now. Marrying is like investing your entire portfolio in one stock.
If the marriage doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce. According to Brette Sember, family attorney and author of two books on divorce, “You can plan on mediation costing somewhere between a few thousand and $7,000, whereas if you litigate, you could spend $15,000 – $50,000.” Then there’s the wealth destruction of divorce itself.
For those of you who have that ideal someone please give him or her a hug. Go into detail about what you appreciate about them. Thank them for putting up with your idiosyncrasies that might drive a lesser person crazy. Let’s never take our partners for granted!
The Pros Of Marrying A Resume
- More financial security
- Potentially less arguments since money is a top reason why couples fight
- More respect for a partner due to their professional achievements
- Parents might be more proud of you and your spouse
- More chances to network with other people who can provide more opportunity
- More financial security for your parents
- A greater ability to do what you want because your spouse makes enough money for both
- More money to help other people in need
- More happiness due to more financial freedom
- Won’t be alone
- Nothing wrong with marrying a friend
- If you divorce you get half
The Cons Of Marrying A Resume
- Lack of passion or no passion
- Physical and emotional intimacy becomes a chore
- Higher chance of infidelity
- You might always wonder whether there’s a soul mate out there waiting for you
- Less happiness because you’ve chosen to settle
- Potential shame or disappointment due to a divorce
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