Are you a man if you cannot take care of your family? Are you noble, if you do not have a job and let your wife slave away at the office, so you can latch onto her healthcare insurance, and eat the bacon she brings home? Hell yeah brothers! Stay at home men of the world, unite!
The beauty of equality is that we men don’t have to work the majority of our lives away anymore. We can be the homemakers, and be proud of it too! With our big muscles, we can re-arrange the living room furniture with ease. Being relatively taller, we can change fire alarm batteries every year without fear of breaking our necks.
When the general contractor comes over to remodel the bathroom, ladies can rest assured we men are less likely to get scammed by superfluous charges, such as a $1,000 wonder wall replacement. And when the cable guy comes, you can also breathe easy knowing that we aren’t going to have a romantic encounter either! I mean, how many times have you ever had a cable gal come over? Never!
IS EARLY RETIREMENT CHEATING IF YOU HAVE A WORKING SPOUSE?
I’ve noticed an extraordinary trend over the past couple of years. The trend is that more and more men are desiring to retire early. In some cases, as early as 25! Let’s be honest, writing about retiring in your 20’s and 30’s is a gimmick. These guys aren’t going to sit back on the beach and get rubbed all day. Nope. They are going to try and develop some side income and take care of the kids. The kick in the shins is they think their wives will be happy with their plan!
Just like sleeping with the hostess at your favorite steak house is bad, so is telling everyone you are retired while your wife still works to support the family!
Why Wives Won’t Accept Working Forever If The Husband Doesn’t
* When you see someone relaxing, you too want to relax! It’s human nature to want what other people have. Do you really think your wife will be happy with working 40-50 hours a week while you lounge in your underwear all day at home? Only if her job makes her 100% happy, which we know will never happen. I would venture to guess the best jobs are liked by people 70%-80% of the time at most, which leaves 20-30% of dissatisfaction.
* Men will start to get lazy. It’s not in our nature to cook, clean, wash the dishes, and change diapers. We are hunters and love to play games! Eventually, we’ll stop being as consistent with our cooking and cleaning, and our wives will notice! We’ll get the wrong garnish at the grocery store, and our wives will blow their tops! Men are doomed towards laziness and women will realize this sooner or later.
* Women get jealous. You think men get jealous? Oh my, women get crazy jealous! There’s something about women where they must fend all other women away. Every woman is looked at suspiciously, especially the attractive ones who enter their man’s lives. Women probably get jealous because men make them jealous. Men like to hunt remember! And that includes other women.
* We must suffer together. Again, it’s human nature that one can’t enjoy more than another. Unless you are getting paid millions for getting a massage, there is suffering at work. It can be the commute, the boss, the annoying colleague who eats boiled eggs for breakfast, whatever. If your wife is suffering, she wants you to suffer too!
Once you combine laziness, relaxation, and jealousy, it’s GAME OVER! Your woman will start to resent you, and at the very least desire to stay at home and experience what you have. Don’t kid yourselves guys! We must have a plan, and saying you are retiring early while you have a working spouse is not one!
How To Convince Your Woman Into Letting You Retire Early
* Talk about your dreams and ambitions. Women love a man with ambition. In fact, some say that men with ambition are sexier than red velvet cake! Fill your woman’s ear with sweet plans of world domination. You can talk about building your online empire or your desire to become a real estate magnate. Whatever it is, your woman wants details, and wants to hear your enthusiasm.
* Always carry a smartphone. Even if you’re sleeping in until 10am, make sure you have a smartphone to insta-respond to text messages when she checks in on you during her work breaks. If you don’t respond within 15 minutes max, she’s going to start wondering whether you’re smoking her cigarettes, playing Xbox with 15 year olds, cavorting with other women, and get pissed! She might also figure out that you’re sleeping in, like the lazy man that you are!
* Show encouragement. Tell her you are proud of her accomplishments at work at least once a week. Most people don’t really care as much about the money as they do about recognition for good work done. Just tell her once a week how proud you are for her doing so well at the company. Tell her you admire her work ethic. Tell her you believe she will go places, and really mean it.
* Promise foot massages and gorilla loving. What does every tired, working woman want after she comes home? Not you! And that’s because you don’t promise her foot massages and gorilla loving! I don’t know how women can stand walking in even 1 inch heels, let alone 2 or 3 inches heels all day. If you promise a foot massage and 3 minutes of McLovin afterwards, I’m sure she’ll let you play War Craft all night long!
* Tell her you’re doing it for us. “Us” is the key word here. You might be someone who is lazy without any backbone to stick it out in the corporate world and make friends. And you know what? That’s OK, because work sucks a lot of the time! You’re disrespected, underpaid, and unrecognized. Nobody wants that. It’s important to reassure your woman that you’re working on your dreams to create a better lifestyle for both of you. Re-emphasize not only the potential of your business, but your ability to handle all the house work.
EQUALITY FOR MEN AND MONKEYS
I love our society’s push for equality. Even though we are heading in the right direction, we aren’t there yet! Women still get paid less then men on average, and you don’t see much diversity in senior management positions. If we men want to retire early and have our lovely wives do all the work for us while we eat pizza and watch football, we must support our women 1000%!
Readers, is it cheating if you declare retirement and have a spouse working full-time supporting you? Women, are you down with your man being a SAHD? Have we reached a point of equality for men and monkeys?
Photo: Breakfast in bed my lady? SD.
Sam, Man Club For Men