How do you choose between love or career? Both could last a lifetime, but perhaps not simultaneously.
Yet some lucky people find and manage both beautifully. Which is more important in the long run? Let's study an example of one woman's struggle deciding between love or career. Her name has been changed for privacy.
Sacrificing Love For Your Career
Linda shines at Davis Polk & Wardwell, one of our nation's most prestigious law firms. Just eight years after Yale Law School, at the age of 34, Linda achieved her life long dream of making partner.
At last I have arrived, Linda first thought to herself. She spent countless hours in school studying late at night to get perfect grades and build a perfect resume. That was five years ago.
One day while working on an important case, Linda walked by the pantry only to overhear her associates whisper about her. She couldn't quite catch everything they said. But phrases such as, “She's almost 40,” and “Is she still single?” zinged her ears.
Never one to doubt herself, Linda kept going for the rest of the week. This case is my priority; it's my mission, she kept saying in her head. Her clients are fighting a hostile takeover from a competitor, and it's her job to defend them.
Breaking Down And Feeling Lonely
At 11:00 PM on Friday, she finally returns exhausted to her grey-scaled, minimalism-inspired condo at the St. Regis Residences. With a soft glass of Cabernet, Linda looks out to the Bay Bridge and begins to cry.
Why am I crying? Linda thinks to herself. I successfully defended my client and the competitor is looking to sweeten their offer. My clients will be filthy rich! I'll be filthy rich.
Linda is unhappy because at 39 she is alone. There's nobody to share her $2 million a year income with. And so she shares it with her apartment instead.
She buys the most expensive amenities, such as textured Brazilian cherrywood floors and Waterworks fixtures. Plus, she pays $2,600 a month in homeowners association dues alone so that she can have all the pampering in the world.
One touch of a button and housekeeping will come and take away her laundry and shine her marble bathroom floors. What's the point of working so hard if not only to simplify my life? Linda wonders.
If Looks Could Kill
Despite the frequent client wining and dining, Linda is extraordinarily lean. With high cheekbones and sunken cheeks, she looks almost like a gaunt cross-country runner who indulges in the latest protein bars.
Her eyes are green and intense; she is a woman of focus and intent. She'll snap you with her stare. Yet she is unable to melt you with her smile.
Linda can't believe that almost fourteen years have passed since she first graduated from law school. People told her that her thirties would be the best years of her life.
In many ways they were, as she had one success after another in her career. But, despite all the studying in college, she misses her twenties because she had her youth and her future.
As trivial as it may seem, Linda misses having long hair and the ability to wear a pony tail if she wanted to. No, that's unprofessional and inconvenient, she told herself once she turned thirty. If I am to be taken seriously, I need to have shoulder length hair that is simple, yet powerful. Linda has all the power she's ever wanted now.
The One That Got Away
The one that got away was not a case, but a man she met during work right after she got promoted. He was a new lateral hire who came in as a second-year associate.
Peter, age 28, was her subordinate. After many endless weeks of working together, they fell in love. On the weekends they would get away on road trips up to Napa Valley and stay at their favorite resort, Auberge du Soleil. Linda paid the $700 a night resort fee of course.
One weekend, as they were lounging by the pool, sipping Arnold Palmers and holding hands, the most senior partner's wife appeared. Peter and Linda's hands immediately released, but it was too late.
The partner's wife had already spotted them and she was shocked. How could one of their newly promoted partners and a second year associate be having a relationship? The partner's wife was aghast, and Linda and Peter were ashamed.
Linda was petrified that all her hard work would be for nothing if word got out that she was having a relationship with one of her subordinates, seven years her junior.
No, she's worked too hard to let some man ruin her career. Linda rushed over and spoke to the partner's wife in private, pleading her not to say a word. She agreed, but only if Linda stopped seeing Peter. Linda acquiesced.
Related: You'll Always Regret Sacrificing Love For Money
Alone In The Darkness
It's been five years since the incident, and Linda's career has been on a rocket ship's path. Word never got out about her fling with her subordinate and Peter left several years ago for richer pastures.
Linda has everything she's ever wanted, yet feels empty because she has nobody to share her good fortune with. Next week she turns forty and she worries whether she will be alone, forever.
Tips On Choosing Love Or Career
Perhaps Linda's story resonates a lot with you, or maybe not. We are all impacted in different ways and at varying degrees. So should you choose love or career?
Here are some tips to help you process your emotions and decide if you need more love or career right now. Or if you can find a way to balance both!
1. Identify Your Personal Values
It's hard to build a deep relationship with someone if you don't love yourself first. Identify your personal values and have a deep understanding of what's important to you.
Long lasting relationships are built on shared values, mutual respect, trust, strong communication, and of course love. Interestingly, long lasting and happy careers are built on these same ideals.
Identify the most important values you want to prioritize. Then you can decide if love or career is more important to you now.
For example, if you want to prioritize independence, autonomy and growing your net worth then career should probably be your priority.
Related: Career Or Family? You Only Have To Sacrifice For 5 Years At Most
2. Have Difficult Conversations
If you are in a long-distance relationship and are trying to decide if you should quit your job to be with him/her, get ready to be uncomfortable. Have as many difficult conversations with your significant other as possible before making a career change.
How compatible are you really with this person? Do you share similar long-term goals? Get the answers to questions like do you both want kids, where do you both want to retire, do your families get along, etc.
3. Take A Good Look At Your Finances
What is your financial situation like? If you're single, it's super important to familiarize yourself with all of your assets and liabilities. Open a free account with Personal Capital to get a quick and easy look at your finances.
You can see all of your bank accounts in one secure portal. Plus, you can quickly track your net worth, set savings goals, plan for retirement and more.
If you're in a relationship, take a long hard look at each of your finances together. Do you share similar personal finance goals? How do you each approach debt, spending, saving, investing?
Couples who are on the same page financially tend to have much happier, healthier relationships.
4. Weigh The Pros And Cons
It sounds so simple, and it is. Make a list of pros and cons and see how it pans out. Sometimes just writing things down makes it easier to make a tough decision like love or career.
Then go through the list with your closest friends and family. Perhaps they can lend a fresh perspective and offer additional insights.
5. Trust Your Instincts
At the end of the day, you want to make a decision that will help you sleep easier at night. Think about what your instincts were really telling you when you walked away from your job interview, got denied from a promotion, finished your last date, etc.
Hone in on what makes you happy and how you can keep that happiness going. Having a job you love to go to is priceless. Don't give that type of luck up easily. There are millions of unhappy employees out there, let alone unemployed people.
And finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is also priceless. If you've found your best friend, hold on tight and don't let go.
However, if you're at a job you hate or are in a relationship with a lot of holes, believe you can do better. Trust your instincts. If you put in the effort to improve your life, anything is possible.
6. Think Outside The Box
Sometimes you don't actually have to choose love or career. You can have both! Thanks to the global pandemic, working remotely is becoming the new normal. Perhaps you don't have to quit your job to move out of state to be with your loved one after all.
Many companies are opening up to permanent work from home policies. As long as you have internet access, what does it matter where you're logging in from?
Keep an open mind and think outside the box. Perhaps a beautiful balance of love and career are in your not too distant future.
Related: Don't Make Over $400,000 A Year If You Want To Be Happy
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Readers, what would do if you were Linda five years ago? Would you have defied the partner's wife's wishes for your love of Peter? Or, would you do as Linda did and break it off because she invested too much in her career? Love or Career, which would you choose?
* Note: All names and the law firm have been changed for privacy.
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Great article. When your life becomes connected with your loved one, you do all your actions, focusing already on “two”, somewhere you adjust, somewhere you play along with you, there are compromises in something. But the key point remains in the fact that only YOU always decide. And even if a loved one asks you very much, sets conditions, forces, takes any actions, all the same the decision how to act in the given circumstances remains only for you. You make a choice in favor of your work, no matter how difficult the situation with the partner may be, which means that at least one percent was more important and more convenient for you. Stay with your loved one, sacrificing a career – accordingly, in life for you this person is the most important thing in the world. And you don’t have to suffer that you had to miss one thing, because life is not an easy thing, not everything is perfect in it, and if we make a choice, it means, after all, we win for ourselves in something.
Another factor is how we are raised and as women the experiences of our mothers. My mother didn’t have the freedom and opportunities I had to make choices. She wanted to further her education and have a career but her parents pushed her to get married early and then she had kids to raise. She was in a bad marriage with my father and told me to focus on my education and career and getting married was not important. In fact she made me think that only women without choices get married and if she had to do it over again she wouldn’t get married. It took me until my mid-30s to admit to myself and others that I did wanted a companion. I had been in relationships before with men who treated me well, but as soon as the men started talking about marriage I broke it off. I am now in my mid-40s. I’ve travelled the world and have a very successful career, but have no idea how to find a compatible partner.
Wow, a very classic case of a successful career or love. With the constant reminder of friends that are married with a family. But this is the same case with how Michelle Obama met Barack Obama. Barack Obama was a mentee while Michelle mentored him at a law firm and well you know the rest ;) . Sometimes in the end, you just gotta go with your heart and your gut instinct. If you want love and a career you’ll find a way!
I would have clasped the hand tighter – You have to stand up for what you believe in. With endless money and no love, you feel empty – however it doesnt matter how much you earn if you find that special person – you are the richest man/woman in the world.
Money can be lost overnight – love lasts forever. She has made a big mistake. If other people didn’t respect her – then she can go to another firm. Skills are transferable, relationships are not.
Is it that easy though? Does love really last forever? I see many cases where it doesn’t.
@MyATM I know dozens of women attorneys who put off finding a mate and having children to further their careers, then wish they could turn back the clock 5-10 years. Focusing on your career is a risky proposition – not everyone makes partner, and rarely do people stay at the same job/firm forever, which often means hitting the reset button on your career track.
Nothing says you can’t have your cake and eat it too. My wife fell in love and furthered her career too. I fell in love and my career has been more of a work-in-progress. Probably would’ve been easier to manage that family/life balance if we had kids a few years earlier to be honest.
I don’t think it comes to love vs. career. You can manage both. The nature of finances is instability. There is never a perfect time to start a family.
delurking myself here. but I am sick of people saying Single people have no responsibility. In this case, she is a successful lawyer, she is responsible for her clients, she is responsbile for her financially liabilities and as a citizen(taxes, hoa fees, i.e. she is not a deadbeat.) she is someone’s daughter. I am going to take a big leap and assume she takes some responsbility as a daughter or someone’s sister/cousin. Most of all she is responsibile for her own life. So far, she has succeeded to reach her goal. That’s pretty responsible.
As for sharing whatever she has with someone, that’s her choice. but to me that ideal is overrated. (don’t shoot me.) but why? why should that be the ultimate goal? The way story is written cast her as sad despite all of her accomplishment. Why? Why can’t she feels happy to just be.
Wow this is an interesting post. But in my opinion, it should be career first then when you’re stable financially, you can have the love that you want. :)
I think Linda probably dated Peter because it was convenient. She worked all the time and he was a coworker. Creating a social network outside of work takes effort. I would join some kind of outdoors club or something that interests her so she can meet someone. Heck with her money and willingness to spend it, she can probably hire an executive dating service and pay someone to do the legwork.
It’s too late to change the past, but Linda can change the future. Maybe she should decide what she really wants out of life and make it happen.
Great read, full of vivid descriptions and emotion. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Enjoyed how you captured Linda’s story.
You’re right. Putting things in perspective, she doesnt have many problems or much to worry about. And that goes to show how much more important companionship is, given she is so distraught.
Interesting story, Linda shouldn’t be feeling sorry for herself. She’s a well accomplished woman, and just because she is alone, doesn’t mean her life can’t be fulfilling.
Besides, what if she went for Peter, and he actually turned out to be a money grubbing douchebag, she didn’t sign the prenups and he went for all her millions in assets?
What if they had a child, and he later became a douchebag, and now a child is brought into this marital mess?
There are lots of what ifs in life, and I know it’s easy to look back and say “if i could do it over again…” but that’s life. You just have to live for the present, focus on yourself and what gives you happiness, and happiness will come.
They say you once you stop trying, love comes.
Besides, 40 is not that old, there are plenty of divorced mid-life crisis men milling around. :)
Also, I have a happy ending to a colleague of mine (though she wasn’t quite as successful as Linda). She was 44, desperate to find someone, spent thousands on matchmaking services, and ended up finding someone when she least expected it. He is absolutely enamored by her. So enamored that he wrote a book about her! How sweet is that? :)
That might be a little scary if a woman was so enamored with me that she write a book!!! Maybe Fatal Attraction redux! Good for her though.
If we are in relationships, it’s easy to discount how easy it should be for single people to find someone. We say, eventually someone will come. But, when we are alone, sometimes it feels like the end of the world and we start to question what’s wrong with us.
Tough choices!
In my honest opinion, it should be career first then love. When you already have a stable career then you can start finding that love. Remember, opportunity knocks only once. Love doesn’t have expiration. But career should be established so that your future will be brighter.
Sounds like she needs to read “Your Money or Your Life.” And do a little thinking. It’s ok for her to make her career her #1 priority if that’s what she wants. But she may want to change careers to one that’s more personally meaningful. She could really make a mark somewhere. Or she may be happy with what she’s doing and just needs to assuage those nagging doubts. It may be bothering her that her colleagues think she is somehow nothing without a man in her life… the patriarchy does that.
I’ve got a highly successful professional friend who became a LOT happier once she came to terms with being single. She’s very set in her ways and likes things just so. It is unlikely she will ever find a guy as OCD as she is about home-living. But her mom and other family members are SOOOO worried that she’s somehow less of a woman if she doesn’t get married and have babies. They’re worried their friends think she’s a lesbian. Once she realized that these were her relative’s concerns and not hers and she’s perfectly happy with 2 cats and a large social network of friends, it was freeing. She may find love or she may not, but she no longer thinks there’s something wrong with her for being alone. She likes it that way.
I like that perspective alot. Perhaps it’s just who she is and she should accept it and be happy. Too bad there’s this big gorilla called Society, influencing our various ways of doing and thinking.
The answer is simple: she should look Peter up now and be ready to eat some crow and admit she made a bad decision. Hopefully she can find something in this process.
So much of life is about choices and priorities. No one can have it all. I believe the key is to be deliberate in your decisions, accept that making one choice means another that you can’t make. And then, accept the decisions you make. If I were Linda, I would make it a priority to find a partner. Life is better when it’s shared!
I say she should’ve stayed with Peter or at least tried to find someone she could share her life with because it’s obvious that she feels a void. If she didn’t then that would be a different matter but she clearly does. It leads me to think that working so hard for a career without some balance of family or friends is not really worth it. There’s no insurance for success but if you have a family you love, that’s a pretty good life.
Wow touching story, very hollywood-like. It’s tough to say really… it all comes down to how she feels now, if she regrets it then it was probably a poor choice. $2 million a year is great, but could she have balanced her work and social life better and made only $1 million year? Perhaps still making a lot of money(if not quite as much) and living your life more freely is the way to go.
I think it’ all or nothing for Linda. You can’t work 50% less and make only $1 mill. It’s balls to the wall or no partnership at all.
Absolutely true. Scaling down for less pay is many a Biglaw lawyers dream and ideal situation. Unfortunately, the system doesn’t really make it possible and that’s especially true for partners.
This is a tough situation! I think that I’d realize that I have a lot at stake in my job, but as you mention in the beginning, there’s no point in being rich if you cant spend it on someone. Does peter still work at the same firm now, or has he moved on? Can they continue their relationship today? The decision that was made in the past has already been made an reacted to by all involved parties – there’s no sense in second guessing what they were to do or what was the right situation for the time – the only thing that can help linda (and possibly peter) is if they are able to reconnect.
He’s moved on…. long ago. No idea… I think he found himself another woman already.
That’s a tough one. Just because she’s turning 40 doesn’t mean she’s never going to find someone to spend her life with. But dating takes time so if she is too consumed with work that she doesn’t have any time to date, well then her chances of finding someone are probably going to stay really low. I think people who have good work/life balances are the most happy whether single or not. Hopefully she can focus on the future and not worry about the decisions she made in the past. She could be a fascinating candidate for the Bachelorette!
Good idea! My friend got on the Bachelorette as a bachelor after his friend submitted his application for him!
Does one really have work/life balance if one is single though? Hmmmm.
She made her bed and now she’s lying in it. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who wants to be with Linda. Maybe she should open herself up to more dating opportunities. If she is happy with her career, there is no reason to quit.
Good move on dumping Peter, those office romances never work out well especially when there is an imbalance of power.
She shouldn’t be dating a subordinate. It’s screwed up on so many levels.
I’ve seen it at work and it pisses me off beyond belief. Shitty performer gets special treatment, special assignments, “protection” and eventual promotions because they’re having relations with the boss – which is both unethical and against a clearly stated company policy.
Quite simply, the right thing to do before that fateful trip would have been to voluntarily report a potential conflict of interest, request that the new employee report to someone else and problem solved.
She put herself in that position, so I have sympathy.
Maybe reporting oneself is “the right thing to do”, but I’d venture to guess most people would believe that it’s really none of anybody’s damn business. That’s what I would think too.
That said, there are rules to interoffice romance due to conflicts of interest, liability reasons and so forth, and they need to be reported.
While people may think it’s not anybody’s damn business, they’re wrong for the reasons cited. No different than nepotism, blackmail or any other “hidden” relationships that influence decisions. It’s not fair to other employees or the company.
Well, I wonder how ‘in love’ Linda was if she was able to drop Peter like a hot potato in favor of her job. Office romances happen all the time. If I was truly in love (and he felt the same toward me), I would have continued the romance secretly and started looking for another job. (Or, see if Peter could find another job, although that may be harder since he just transferred.)
Unfortunately, Linda is reaping what she sowed when she chose work over relationships. I don’t see a mention of any friends either, and if that is the case, I can see why she would be lonely.
She can look at this time as a epiphany and decide to cultivate some relationships, or she can continue on her current path. Which will win love/friendships, or money?
It’s tough though bc Linda has invested so much of her time in her career. It’s like a race against time bc of mortality and of fading beauty which is often times needed to first ensnare the mate.
It’s just hard to pull away…….
@Money Reasons
I see your point here, but not every woman wants children. So those women you work with who appear lonely because they don’t have children may not be as lonely as you think they are. Maybe they have fulfilling lives outside of work through volunteering or hobbies that keep them occupied and engaged.
I love kids and work around them 180 days a year (well, 175 this year due to furlough days) but I don’t have any of my own. That doesn’t make me lonely, it makes me well rested! ;)
Good point LH! Do you plan to have kids or live the well rested, free life? I love this topic, and would love to gain more perspective from you or other women who are considering not having kids. Perhaps a guest post!
I might take you up on that guest post offer! I sort of wonder how many people had children because they thought they had to, but then realized maybe they shouldn’t of (ie.e they weren’t the best parents, they had little time, etc.) Maybe I’ll angle it in that direction. I’ll get back to you on this. ;)
Hmm, yeah that is a good point.
Actually my aunt, who is married, decided not to have kids either, so the “having kids” element to my prior comment isn’t really relevant…
I guess “being lonely” is a relative thing, especially if kids aren’t involved. I think without a intimate “opposite sex” companion, bonds with friends and animals (cats and dogs) become much more intense.
I guess it comes down to the question “Is Linda happy?”. Based on her success, power and respect levels from others, I would guess that she is.
I think the only way that she wouldn’t be happy is if she views not having a partner as somehow wrong or losing something. But that just society norms, if she can get past that, it’s all good.
I’ve believed for a while now that all the money in the world means nothing I’d there’s nobody to spend it with.
Linda is turning 40, not 80! She’s still young and has time to find someone to have a relationship with. Perhaps if she wants children, she may have to decide to adopt instead of having one biologically, but then again maybe not (look at Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman!)
However, if Linda is unhappy with her life, then maybe it’s time for a change. She’s achieved her initial goal of partnership so maybe it’s time to set a new goal; one where she works less and focuses on what really makes her happy – or finds time to research what may make her happy. I’d say that this 40th birthday can be the beginning of a new start – a middle of your life start where she can set new goals to achieve. All I can say is Happy Birthday Linda -make it a great one!
Tis true. But isn’t 40 the new 60? Just kidding! It probably is time for a change. She should take her millions and at least go on a 6 month sabbatical or leave of absence!